Wtf???

[Notagain101]

It's 4am and for a third night I am awake. My DP is also awake and is sat in the other room again.

I don't know where to begin. I left an abusive marriage years ago. Mostly psychological which turned physical on one occasion which was the end of the marriage.

I have been with my DP a few years but we have only recently moved in together. In the last two weeks we have had two massive fights about the same subject. He seems to have become a different person overnight. He is stuck on these thoughts that I have said things I know I have not said. He has literally ripped me apart making all sorts of comments and accusations about me as a person.

He keeps going round in circles, one minute saying he knows he's wrong about what he is saying but then in the next convo bringing it all back up again. He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them. I got to the point last night where I said I am not defending myself anymore. If you don't hear what I'm saying and you really believe your thoughts about me then why are you still here.

Anyway I am feeling like I am losing my mind. Everything I say just gets twisted and used against me and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I phoned a helpline yesterday. I needed a sounding board as I didn't know up from down. The counsellor told me that from what I was describing that she felt I was being gaslighted by my DP. I thought maybe it was in my head due to my past abusive relationship.

I don't know where to turn now. I am living with a man who clearly doesn't like me very much. When I say that it should end due to this he backtracks. I don't have a question to ask really. Just brain dumping here as I can't think straight.

Follow your senses, they are 100% correct. I moved someone into my home, they completely changed, he started saying I had done and said things that I hadn’t, made out I was going crazy (I wasn’t), things got worse over a few months and he got sexually abusive. He would apologise and blame it on his mental health, he made me feel bad because he had nowhere else to go. He got more and more abusive and eventually I kicked him out (he pulled the suicide card yet again). I wish I had listened to my senses at the start 😬.

kick him out. It’s not your problem if he has nowhere to go, he’s not your responsibility.

No no no. He does not get to treat you like this. Not even once.

OP you need to be resolute about leaving him. Perhaps you could start a new thread and MNetters can help you through the process of making sure you can make a clean break safely and talk through the practicalities.

Boot the fucker out of your property. Don’t engage in any attempt to reel you in to a row, or any weeping or nonsense from him. Any hint of rage, call the police. He’s not worth a moments thought.

Op you have children?

What does he think you've said, is there any truth? I think it's best to make a clean break quickly if it's all fantasy.

is it gaslighting when they genuinely seem to believe what they're saying? My ex seemed to sort of gaslight himself - he created this alternate version of events (externally verified by the way) and then deluded himself into believing it as fact.
It could also be a means of protecting their own ego; that's something we all do to some extent, to reduce cognitive dissonance (c.d. = when we think we are nice people, but we have done a bad thing, so our self-image clashes with our actions).
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220525-how-self-deception-allows-people-to-lie
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-do-people-deceive-themselves-5218829
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/explorations-in-positive-psychology/202304/when-pretending-turns-into-self-deception

He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them.
This guy, by contrast, sounds like he is mentally ill.

Unlikely to be a coincidence. He has landed on his feet and is finding out how much shit and gaslighting you'll take. Don't take any of it.

His thoughts are facts because he's thinking them? I can't roll my eyes hard enough! Wanker.

My advice is in answer to one specific part of your post “I feel I’m going crazy”

Ive been where you are. I used to write down any arguments, ‘discussions’ as soon as possible while it was still fresh in my mind, I wrote all the he said/I said stuff down in detail.

It meant later when he stated things he had said, or I had said (or we didn’t say), it meant I had written proof of what had happened. It wasn’t worth showing him what I’d written, as he had his own version of the ‘truth’. But in my own mind I knew I wasn’t misremembering things and wasn’t crazy.

The other posters are giving you good advice and it may be that for you this is the beginning of the end. My advice above is just an interim thing to do while you decide your long term future.

I couldn’t carry on and I am now divorcing.

I did the same thing @Isheabastard, simply to get my head straight when he came back with his twisted version, so I could see what it was he was doing.
Once they are doing this, there's no way you can have a conversation with them. It would just make you ill.

So fucking what?

His problem to solve, not yours. Seems like now he's moved in, he feels comfortable being his true self.

So you now chuck him out, and he can sort out his own life.

Don't allow him to abuse you. You've survived an abusive marriage and developed PTSD from it. You know this man is abusive. Do not allow him any further into your life. You have a choice here.

The only fact he needs to concern himself with is that he needs to leave YOUR house and feet the fuck out of your life.
Get a friend or 2 round pack his crap up and change your locks.

@Notagain101 how are you?

Can I jusy sy OP - don't panic about this. Don't think that you theraphy has not worked because of this.

It has. You have recognised what is going one, checked for clarity here and with the helpline, and will figure this out.

Going back to theraphy sounds like a great idea to help vyou through this but I say well done.

Also - I recognise how horrible it is to have your future dreams stolen.

He sounds fucking frightening - get him gone.

This is really strange behaviour and awful for you what we is causing it.

You need to be firm that he needs to move out. I recommend having a friend there when you tell him. Change the locks when he goes.

Deal with the 'can we work this out' if you want after, but you cannot have him living with you.

Sorry for delay. Been working. He woke up at 4am and started walking around the place and woke me up.

Sounds to me like he's either a substance user (moving in may have disrupted his using patterns leading to paranoia) or experiencing a MH episode, because it's unusual to have masked this sort of behaviour entirely then suddenly show it all at once. Albeit not impossible. I say this not to excuse him, but to warn you. Sudden onset of paranoid accusation flipping from believing it true to knowing it isn't is potentially very risky for you. You need to prioritise keeping yourself safe.

He's claiming I said things about his family members that I just never said.

Together three years. Gave up a rental.

Yes adult children

There is zero truth. In fact he admits I didn't say it on occasion and says it's what he thinks I think. Then he goes back and says I actually said it.

I have started this already.

It's been a hard day as I'm knackered and worked a long shift. We have not resolved this. He's at work right now so who knows.