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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wtf???

105 replies

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:29

It's 4am and for a third night I am awake. My DP is also awake and is sat in the other room again.

I don't know where to begin. I left an abusive marriage years ago. Mostly psychological which turned physical on one occasion which was the end of the marriage.

I have been with my DP a few years but we have only recently moved in together. In the last two weeks we have had two massive fights about the same subject. He seems to have become a different person overnight. He is stuck on these thoughts that I have said things I know I have not said. He has literally ripped me apart making all sorts of comments and accusations about me as a person.

He keeps going round in circles, one minute saying he knows he's wrong about what he is saying but then in the next convo bringing it all back up again. He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them. I got to the point last night where I said I am not defending myself anymore. If you don't hear what I'm saying and you really believe your thoughts about me then why are you still here.

Anyway I am feeling like I am losing my mind. Everything I say just gets twisted and used against me and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I phoned a helpline yesterday. I needed a sounding board as I didn't know up from down. The counsellor told me that from what I was describing that she felt I was being gaslighted by my DP. I thought maybe it was in my head due to my past abusive relationship.

I don't know where to turn now. I am living with a man who clearly doesn't like me very much. When I say that it should end due to this he backtracks. I don't have a question to ask really. Just brain dumping here as I can't think straight.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 13/07/2023 07:09

So either he's had a very conveniently timed psychiatric break and is experiencing delusions, in which case he needs to be away from you and seeking professional help.

Or, far more likely, he's an abuser who like so many abusers has waited to show his true colours until he feels he's got you more "trapped".

Either way he needs to go. I'd give the same advice to anyone but particularly someone who has been in a previous abusive marriage and suffered PTSD. You must put yourself first now. Can you contact the helpline you called again for advice or courage, or women's aid to help you with a strategy for safely getting him out of your house?

FireflyJar · 13/07/2023 07:49

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:42

I am absolutely heart broken.

Get him out. He has sold his place so has money. Please don't waste your life

FOJN · 13/07/2023 08:05

Op please listen…not to be over dramatic but this situation is making my spidery senses feel worried for you.

You're not the only one. His behaviour seems quite calculated and I'd be worried about how he might escalate things.

Get him out of your house and change the locks. Have someone with you when you ask him to leave. Where he goes is not your problem.

Why are you both awake at 4am rehashing the same thing? Has the argument been going on since last night or has he woken you up to start the argument again.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:11

He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them

So he's insane then.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:12

VeridicalVagabond · 13/07/2023 07:09

So either he's had a very conveniently timed psychiatric break and is experiencing delusions, in which case he needs to be away from you and seeking professional help.

Or, far more likely, he's an abuser who like so many abusers has waited to show his true colours until he feels he's got you more "trapped".

Either way he needs to go. I'd give the same advice to anyone but particularly someone who has been in a previous abusive marriage and suffered PTSD. You must put yourself first now. Can you contact the helpline you called again for advice or courage, or women's aid to help you with a strategy for safely getting him out of your house?

This.

No matter what happening, you need to stop cohabiting with him, and take a "break" from the relationship (which sounds like it should end up being a permanent break).

MrTiddlesTheCat · 13/07/2023 08:18

He sounds very frightening OP. Please listen to what other posters are saying and get rid.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:18

I am living with a man who clearly doesn't like me very much. When I say that it should end due to this he backtracks.

I've had this.

From an abuser.

Rather typical abuser behaviour.

I'll emotionally batter and verbally abuse you, put you on the defensive, on and on .... Until you look like you're finally going to walk. Then it's "let's just forget about all that now, it's over and done with now, ok ... It's my fault, ok; I'll take all the blame ..m alright, let's leave it" etc etc etc.

You're made to feel like you can't let things go, or you're pedantic, or you take things too seriously or you don't know how to move on from an "argument" (it's not an argument) ...... But this shit never stops, he's back to it again another time quite soon; when he's thinks he's safe from being dumped and you've been drawn back from the edge he pushed you to.

They just enjoy abusing people, it makes them feel powerful, they get some kind of high or satisfaction from it, it's his they're wired .... They also think.if they make you feel bad enough about yourself, you'll never leave them because you'll be grateful.theyre with you and you'll be cowed and controlled and subservient in the relationship.

Grumpusaurus · 13/07/2023 08:18

He has a place to go! He can go to a myriad of cheap hotels right now and then look for a new place.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:19

*it's how they're wired

You're an emotional and verbal punch bag, and it doesn't change.

Nugg · 13/07/2023 08:24

Echoing others his housing isn't your issue.

Please consider the freedom programme.

barbarahunter · 13/07/2023 08:24

He sounds a lot like my ex DH. I agree with others who are saying that he needs to go. It is not you, OP, you have done nothing wrong. It's a sobering thought to realise that there are a lot of abusers in society. Like me, you got unlucky more than once.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:29

I am living with a man who clearly doesn't like me very much.

Btw you're ahead of the game by seeing that .... Many women being abused would just make excuses and try harder. They wouldn't even be able to get their head clear to see the behaviour for what it is.

Fact is .... He probably neither likes nor dislikes you, he's just an abuser and that drives his behaviour. You're very likely to be an ordinary harmless woman with nothing significant to dislike or hate about you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/07/2023 08:31

You need to ask him to leave. Have someone to support you whilst you do it but you must do it

sugarplumfairy36 · 13/07/2023 08:33

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

nasanas · 13/07/2023 08:34

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:37

The set up is he has for rid of his own home and moved into mine. He has nowhere to go.

That's not your problem to solve. Get him out.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 13/07/2023 08:41

He is gaslighting you, speak to women’s aid for advice. See if you can do the freedom program.

Seek help in getting him out of your house because the relationship is over and he has to go. The longer you leave it the longer he will wear you down.

MumblesParty · 13/07/2023 08:43

What is he claiming you’ve said?
He sounds delusional.
I recall a psychiatrist friend telling me about a patient who had one single fixed delusion about something someone had done to him. It had never happened, and he sometimes admitted he knew it hadn’t, but he remained convinced it had. In every other aspect of his life he was completely fine and functioning. It’s a form of psychosis, linked with OCD and intrusive thoughts too I think.

barbarahunter · 13/07/2023 08:44

Just wondering: is it gaslighting when they genuinely seem to believe what they're saying? My ex seemed to sort of gaslight himself - he created this alternate version of events (externally verified by the way) and then deluded himself into believing it as fact. I think mental illness was/is the reason, or is it narcissism? Or self delusion? A bit of everything?

barbarahunter · 13/07/2023 08:46

Actually the post above mine sort of answered my question, thank you

Flopsythebunny · 13/07/2023 08:57

Please get rid of him now. If you allow him to stay it will get worse, you'll feel trapped and the rest of your life will be miserable.
He can go and stay in a cheap hotel until bhe e finds somewhere else to live

orangegato · 13/07/2023 08:59

What’s he accusing you of? He sounds a cunt, you know what to do. What would you say to a friend who was in this situation. Run, don’t walk.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/07/2023 09:16

How long have you known each other? When you say he gave up his home, did he give up a rental or did he sell?

WonderingWanda · 13/07/2023 09:39

Well done for coming here and taking that first step op. You've recognised that this situation isn't right and it is making you very unhappy. It doesn't matter what the cause of his behaviour is, the important thing is you.

You need to end this and tell him to leave. Whether he has somewhere else to go or his mental health is not your problem. You are a survivor and you've done it once so you can do it again. Be strong and firm and don't back down or be coerced into feeling guilt or responsibility for him.

crazeekat · 13/07/2023 09:53

get the abusive fucker out ur home and out ur life before he does more
permanent damage to you.
he is abusing you. he thinks your an east target. please walk away now from this.

FartSock5000 · 13/07/2023 10:18

@Notagain101 here's the thing. If you had said something that was upsetting to your partner then in a healthy relationship he'd sit you down and tell you what you said upset him and why. You'd talk about it. If you don't believe you ever said what he thinks you said you can apologise for his hurt feelings/perception and then move on having talked about and resolved the issue. That is what loving, respectful partners do. You can agree to disagree but you BOTH care about the other person enough to understand that we don't use things like this to 'punish'.

In your case, he is bringing up instances of perceived offense over and over and not ever trying to resolve anything. He is using these 'offenses' to punish you and force you into a submissive demeanor and when you aren't complying, he keeps going. This is not healthy, respectful or loving. It IS Gaslighting and is a form of abuse because this is a deliberate action intended to cause harm.

That's how you tell if your relationship is a good 'un or not.

This man is showing you who he really is and now he has you in a vulnerable position, he is letting his abuser flag fly free. All those nasty personality traits he kept hidden to lure you and snare you are coming out now he knows you've nowhere to go.

Tell him it's not working for you and that he has X days to leave. Where he goes isn't your problem. You aren't his mummy. He is a grown man who made his choices.