Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Many mothers go back to work full time or nearly full time when their children are younger than yours because their financial circumstances require it. You won’t be any less of a mother for doing it. Providing for your child is an important thing to do.

But it is difficult if you’re particularly longing to be an SAHM. Unfortunately that only works if both parents are on board with that and it sounds like your DH isn’t. Did you discuss you being an SAHM before your DS was born? Has he changed position on you?

@Blipblopblap
He doesn't understand how you feel about the prospect of spending less time with your son and you don't understand how he feels about the possibility of an unexpected change in his revenue stream.

It would be easier for your 3 yr old to adjust to additional hours in the nursery than it would be for your husband to adjust to an unexpected or unanticipated reduction in income. I suspect the concern is greater when you are self employed.

It is not unreasonable for your husband to expect you to share the financial burden. I think it is particularly unreasonable to expect to live a certain life style and to expect the responsibility of providing that life style.

I think because professional men work with so many successful career women they see that it is possible for a woman to have a career and to have healthy well adjusted children. The equation no longer requires it to be one or the other.

You both have a right to be happy and satisfied, but neither of you are entitled to that happiness and satisfaction at the expense of the other.

You 2 may need to seek some help in finding a solution that works for the both of you.

What was the agreement before you had children? Having a dynamic where one works FT and one is a SAHP or works a lot less is something that both parents have to agree on. I personally will resent my partner if I were pushed into being a SAHM, and would likewise resent them too if they were adamant they'd want to be a SAHP only after the child was born.

Your son needs looking after one way or other, you want to do it and you're the best person to do it, so it seems like a no-brainer that you should look after your son.

It's understandable wanting to move, but it's absurd for a grown man to get aggro daily over a house. Just sell up and move somewhere currently in budget if it's that big a deal.

Is he angry a lot?

You seem to pay everything child related, will that be the same if you get a different job?

It’s understandable for him not to happy about being th sole provider- you need to look at how you can contribute more.

This probably won't be popular advice but I think if a DP threatens divorce, you should tell them to leave. They are either committed to the relationship and the family, or they aren't. If their commitment is based on bullying you to do what they want, then it won't be long before they find another issue to threaten divorce over.

She takes care of their son, she works part-time, and I bet she does the lion's share of the housework and life admin. How much more should she contribute? Is her husband going to do 50%, and I mean a full half, of the childcare/parenting related needs and housework if she goes back to work full-time? I fucking doubt it.

When you have a 3 year old, being a stay at home mum needs to be a team decision.
retraining is not a bad idea, it’s good to have a reasonable career as someone needs to earn money and you never know what will happen. That said, what does he do around the home? Have you spoken to him and said I’m doing this, it won’t get me a job earning as much as you do. Earning less doesn’t change the number of hours in a day- are you proposing to share the parenting and housework more? If it’s all or nearly all left to me then I cannot work full time hours at a job and then be our cook and housekeeper and our child’s parent too. If you really want that you will need to step up at home, that’s just reality.
now, about this divorce threat. What the fuck did you mean by that? If you want to threaten that again then I might just make it happen. What would you do - suddenly be able to afford the house you want because you don’t have us anymore? Move hours away and drive to see your child once a month?
im trying here. A marriage takes two. If you hate our house that much then you might need to find some counselling to cope as you can’t keep taking it out on me and our child.

is moving somewhere impossible? If he hates that house so much? It will take years for you to get a decent income that will help, is it really impossible to move ANYWHERE you like more without you adding a lot more money?

make sure you earning more doesn’t all go into the pot and on your child and he has much more disposable income than you.

I don't think either of you are wrong to feel like you do. But your two ideas of how you think your lives should be, are clearly incompatible. You both need to compromise. So you need to sit down and work out your finances and look at how you could increase your hours, maybe a job with longer shifts over fewer days, so you can provide family income. In return, he could look how he adjusts his working hours so that he can look after your child so you don't run up child care costs.
And also start looking at houses to move to.
Do a written plan with set timeframes you both agree to in order to achieve your various objectives by. Often when there's something concrete to refer to, it lowers frustrations because people can see and tick off actual achievements so it puts their mind at rest that they're getting closer to their ideal situation.

You could go full time and move but I'd put money on your husband still not being happy and they'd be new problems that pop up.

What was said before you had the baby about being a SAHP? Does he want you to earn more or work more as there is a difference. If you could retrain and work three days earning more is that a compromise.

Have you asked about his work is he stressed about loosing some contracts. He sounds stressed and being self employed has a risk associated with it.

On the flip side my DH has no career ambition and I hate it too while I work part time for now us having the nicer things in life holidays and renovations is all going to have to wait for my salary and it’s infuriating having all the pressure on me. Why should I shoulder the high pressure job yet the other person on my team coasts!

He can't just tell you what to do. You need to sit together and look at the figures. How much will chil care cost, how the housework will be divided if you are working more. Would you need a cleaner. Who takes time off when child is ill. He would need to understand that you increasing your hours would put additional pressure on him and is he sure he wants that?

You could suggest a compromise that you once your dc is in school you look to increase your income.

It's not the house that's making him unhappy, it's him.
You are the person he married and the mother of his DC. It would perhaps be different if you had been career driven pre DC, but you weren't. You work already.

I'd see his point if you couldn't pay the bills, but just so he can move to a house commensurate with his ego - nah.

Depends how much staying together as a family means to you. If you were not together any more, would you be able to afford the house you have? Working 2,5 days a week is not a lot. I've worked 4 days a week since DD was born. STBXW is a very high earner, still wanted me to be FT. Not so we could move (we could have afforded this) but just because. I would have gone back FT anyway within a few months as DC starts school in Sept.

She left me recently, for an even higher earner. Now we're getting divorced and our house will have to be sold - I'll end up in a much smaller house, will have to go back to work FT, and my family is broken forever.

I'm not saying she left me because she wanted a better house (that wasn't the reason), but having very divergent views on work/finances is not a situation likely to last indefinitely.

How would you feel if DH left? Would you be able to maintain your current lifestyle? If not, and you want him to stay, might be worth meeting in the middle and upping your working hours if not to FT then to 4 days?

I'm so surprised by most of the replies,2.5 days a week is plenty with a 3 year old and to increase will only increase child care costs so unless high pay not so worth it for what will impact on family life all round.think how much more difficult it will be once starts school and has the holidays etc,2.5 days seems a good balance.dh is being unreasonable and rude and his earnings are yours too as he wouldn't be able to work without you looking after your DC so please don't see it as you not contributing!I can't imagine he'd be better off if he divorced as his work would be impacted as he'd need to look after his child 50/50.if he's this unhappy in himself he shouldn't be taking it out on you,but making a plan to work towards is something.ifnyou were working full time would he be happy stepping up his childcare and housework to 50/50 or would he also be expecting you to continue all of it on weekends etc too?sounds like hes raging but directing at you unfairly.

Neither of you points of views are wrong.

But I think how you are both handling the issue is. You both have wants that you see as needs. You want to keep your routine but you don’t need to. He wants to move, but doesn’t need to. It might be miserable but it’s a home.

I do get both points of view. I have been a single parent who would have liked to be able to work less and also be the main bread winner. Both position are not pleasant.

a compromise needs to be found somewhere. Even if that is waiting until da starts full time school and then you working more.

Your husband sounds like a bit of a bully and threatening divorce is extreme. If you are using all your free hours it sounds like a good balance. In a few years time your child will be in school so you can look at retraining or upping your hours. They are only little for a short time.
Is your marriage happy apart from this? Does he pull his weight parenting?

I’d feel the same as your husband.
I’ve been the main earner where my partner had no work ambitions and all the financial stuff fell on me

Ask him how paying for childcare will work.

Tbh if someone threatened to sell the house under me and mention a divorce, I'd tell them to go for it. Take my half of the house and sort out somewhere else for me and my kid.

I would be concerned that my husbands self employed business is in trouble if saying you need to work more hours and contribute more towards the bills is something that your husband has only recently started mentioning. Anger around your current house could be him masking what’s really going on. In any case, having a part time or sahp only really works when both parties are truly happy with the arrangement. Talk openly with him.

To be honest my ex husbands lack of ambition was a huge source of resentment- you can never understand the pressure and stress of being a main earner until you are one. You have a year until child is in school and then remaining a STAHM is a luxury and choice rather than necessity. There is nothing wrong with your husband wanting to better your home environment and if it's making him stressed and Ill where you are now then don't you feel guilty you refuse to help?

I'll never enter into a relationship again with someone who doesn't have similar ambitions when it comes to wanting to support themselves and better their lives

Can you not change houses without taking on extra work?
The stress of the housing could be the only problem.
Is there somewhere that has better parking, better neighbours, is older but just as big etc.
Look at moving and discuss how he will manage paying for the extra childcare should you work an extra half day per week. You could look at getting a better paid job but probably not work more than three days due to consideration for the child and your husband being a contractor working all over the place and for long hours..

I can understand your husband’s perspective, but threatening divorce is emotionally manipulative. It does sound like he is completely miserable in your current house though, so you should both be looking to compromise a bit.

I wonder if he’s is being unrealistic about your earning potential right now,. Having a small child does mean you need to find more flexible work and that doesn’t always attract the best salaries. You would need to sit down together and work out how much you could realistically earn, how much childcare would cost and how that would impact your finances. You could end up worse off! This would also factor into how much you can afford to borrow if you move. Affordability for a mortgage is going to be tricky right now due to interest rates so he may have to suck it up for a bit longer until your child is at school, you have access to school holiday clubs and interest rates/cost of living crisis has eased a bit before moving house.

Contract work is variable so I can understand the nervousness. We only agreed to my DH doing contract work once I was in a position that should he be out of a contract for a period of time I
could cover the bills. He has been out of a contract for the last month now and it makes me nervous. The pressure of everything being reliant on your income
is huge. I can understand where he is coming from and I can understand your concerns too. You both need to find a way to communicate better.