Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Working pt with a young DC is ideal for most ppl - if you increase hours you have to think about an increase in childcare. Those who work ft with young dc usually have willing grandparents around. Has your husband got a plan for how that could be managed.?

Equally the home situation sounds very stressful. Could you do a sideways move to improve That?

Tell your husband he shouldn’t have married you and got you pregnant if he didn’t think he could provide for you all.
you already work part time which is more then enough contribution as a wife and mother to a little one. Soon enough he’ll be in school and you’ll be able to work more hours.
Highly unattractive when a man expects so much of his wife.

Whilst it is understandable he doesn't want to be the main earner, but plenty of people are and are fine with that
It is also understandable that you don't want to go to work more at the expense of time with your son, but plenty of people do and are fine with that.

Both your desires are reasonable, it is important both you of recognise that though, so you don't find yourselves in a blame flinging situation... finding a mutually agreeable solution is what you need, divorce threats make that harder.

You might find if you invest in your career and progress that you uncover an ambition that you didn’t know you had op
@Blipblopblap

OP already has employment, and if he is planning to leave then better not increasing income until after the event.

Her lifestyle? Her son is only 3, she works part time. You realise little ones need taking care of right?? Not every mother want to pay someone else to raise their baby some are more comfortable doing it themselves.

You live in my dream home by the sounds of it. Are YOU happy I that house? Do YOU want to move?

He sounds horrible! So you do all the wife and mother work, you pay for your child's needs but that isn't good enough?

I am willing to bet that if you got a full time job, you'd STILL be expected to do wife and mother work full time as well.

I am a SAHM and no man could bully me into giving that up. I'm on your side OP!

But for lots of people, a wife expecting the husband to provide would be equally unattractive. The default is for both partners to share the financial responsibility and the domestic load. Unless a couple agrees otherwise from the outset, it is perfectly reasonable to a man to expect his wife to contribute financially, just as it is perfectly reasonable for a woman to expect her husband to pull his weight at home and with the kids.

Working part time or being a SAHM is a luxury, it’s something that you need to be able to afford. If the family can’t afford it then you can’t do it.
DH and I both work full time , three children, youngest 3.5 , I went back to work full time when the youngest was 6 months old. We couldn’t afford for me to stay on mat leave longer or for me to be PT.
Ive been the main earner at various points in our marriage and the pressure is immense, it feels like the weight of everything is on your shoulders, what if something goes wrong etc … it’s a horrible feeling. I feel where your DH is coming from.

This is tough.

You need to contribute some money now to the main joint account, so you both out all money in the main account, pay all the bills from this including childcare, activities and clothes, and then take a small amount of personal money each and then the left overs can be saved.

your OH needs to see what you already contribute, how much childcare is, and also feel the pinch of reduced personal spending so he can see what needs to give in order to save to move house.

you could also show that by earning more you don’t actually have more.
show what will happen when the free hours kick in and when you child goes to school.
make a financial plan for the next few years to show you are working on it together

There is an easy compromise here.

To earn decent money, you will need to freshen up your skills. So find an evening course that starts in September and get that done now. Your ds will start school the following September so as soon as he starts school, you can go back to work full time (or nearly full time).

That way, your dh can see there is a long term plan and he won't have to carry the whole load forever. He can plan to move and it will give him something to work towards. You'll become more independent which is important. You should never be unable to pay your own way if the need arises,

I don't blame him for feeling stressed. In a cost of living crisis, with mortgages rising rapidly, being the only decent wage coming in, must be a heavy load.

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting flamed by so many for being/wanting to be a SAHP. That’s clearly not the case. 2.5 days in a lower paid job and then covering childcare, there will be hardly anything left after that. No wonder you can’t contribute much and are reticent to go full time.

I would be doing the sums and showing DH exactly how much more you’d have after childcare if you were FT. You also need to account for more deductions for tax and NI etc. I would bet that it wouldn’t be enough to get a much bigger mortgage/move house, as a mortgage provider would be looking at your childcare costs too.

I work 16 hours a week with a young primary aged child. DH high earner. He knows full well that my ability to do every school drop off, pick up, keep the house nice, homework with DD, cook dinners, washing, all the shopping etc. - that’s easily where the other 22 hours of a FT job go. And that we don’t want DD in wraparound every day because that would just cost more and we’d have less time together. I also have flexibility in my work if DD was unwell.

There’s value in what you’re doing, and your DH should really know that with interest rates etc the way they are now, that you working more (and paying for more childcare) and him in contract work would mean that you wouldn’t be able to move house within a few months. He’s being unrealistic.

Looking at some courses to do to improve your employability when your DC is a bit bigger would be a great thing to start doing now though. And that might be what your DH needs to see, that you’re playing the long game.

If these men want a full on working earning wife they need to do full on 50 / 50 house / mental load and child care. You can’t have it both ways matey.

@Mumtothreegirlies

I agree, not every mother wants to work and pay someone else to look after their children.

But most of us suck it up and go to work anyway because our families need the financial security and there is no money tree in the garden.

It's not fair to unilaterally decide that one person will shoulder being the breadwinner during a COL crisis while you spend half the week pottering around at home with one child who is entitled to free nursery hours and the other half in a low paying job with no plans to improve it.

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHP, or working part time but it should be agreed between partners.

I think when you are married and have a child you should be a team, a unit, and all money should be family money. You have given him the ability to build the business by taking care of the house and the child. Not all labour is paid, but it is still valuable.

I don’t know how divorcing you is going to help financially as the 2 of you would then be maintaining two households on your incomes instead of one.

It seems more like a threat to bully and control you and punish you, rather than a solution. I wonder whether I could ever trust such a person again.

Personally I’d rather have a smaller house and spend more time with my child than slave away in an office all day every day alone and come home in the dark to a big house.

If I were you I would get some legal advice about what you’d be entitled to if you split.

It sounds like he's unhappy, i doubt moving or you working more hours will change that to be honest. I'd think about what you want to do even if that means going it alone.

Of he is threatening divorce over this, then he is a bully and doesn't value your contributions. If he wanted you to earn a full time wage then he shouldn't have had a child with you. You work, you contribute and I think he needs to suck it up.

Posters are missing the point. They are financially secure, the current arrangement is working.
The husband doesn't like the house and wants a bigger one. If someone told me to work more because THEY wanted, a bigger house, or a newer car I'd be raising eyebrows. Why is what he wants more important than what's best for the family?

What he has to remember is where there is a benefit there will also be a burden.

It's not flaming op or missing the point to flag that this relationship sounds like one that might not last the distance and therefore she needs to think about her own financial position

Another one here who can see both sides. I was the breadwinner in my marriage and I felt like it wasn't something I had specifically agreed to. I said I would step up while exH launched his own business but then he never really put enough effort in to make it work, and as months became years, I became more and more resentful. I felt very trapped in the end because I was paying for everything and I had no options. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to share that load.

Just because as house is 'new build' does not mean it is nice. Most new 'starter homes' built in the last 15 years or so are of awful quality, cheap materials, crap insulation and poor finishes and often shoehorned on to small plots of land in so-so neighbourhoods.

The DH is being an arse insofar as threatening divorce but as others have pointed out you both need to sit down and have a calm chat if that's possible. Talk finances, share of chores, childcare and work out a plan to move on as a unit and not as two people with different different expectations.

Well if he's expecting you to work more and contribute more financially that's fine - but I sure hope he'll be doing half of all the childcare/housework/cooking etc

Has your husband thought of the realities of you working more. 50% of the housework, 50% of life admin, more childcare bills, 50% of everything related to raising a child. Cancelling his work to cover a sick child day. Covering 50% of school holidays.

Whilst he may not enjoy living in a new build, it’s currently affordable. One day you can live wherever you want but you won’t get back time with your son

What does success look like for both of you? Is it a big house or is it having time to do school pick ups and have more family time. It sounds like you need to carve out a full hour one evening for you and DH to write this down and see if your wishes align.