Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

I’m quite shocked at some of the replies here! I can see both points of view here to an extent, but having been the main breadwinner before my divorce and now being a single parent and shouldering all the costs of that I definitely have a lot of sympathy for OP’s husband in this scenario TBH. It really is stressful being the main earner in today’s UK, especially now during this cost of living crisis and especially if self-employed which has inherent risks.

He sounds very stressed and I don’t think it’s fair as a pp put it for one person in a relationship to unilaterally decide that the other person will earn the lion’s share of the money and they’ll be a SAHP. I know exactly what you’re saying OP, you can’t bear to be separated from your child and you like your routine. I felt the same way and I cried my eyes out leaving my child and felt completely distraught about it for years, but I just had to put my kid in nursery and get back to work once my mat leave was up, I simply didn’t have the luxury of choice. And I’m not sure you necessarily do either from what you’re saying here.

He shouldn’t be threatening divorce but by the same token he may feel that he is being held hostage in an unfair situation by OP’s stance. I suspect if the tables were turned people would be telling OP that her partner is taking financial advantage of her etc. I don’t think that’s your deliberate intention OP but you must see how he could perceive it that way.

I don’t know what was discussed/agreed previously in your relationship OP with regards to being a SAHP (but also circumstances change and whatever agreement there was may need reassessed as the economic outlook and environment in the U.K. has changed MASSIVELY in recent years which I think it’s easy to be less acutely aware of when you aren’t the main earner).

There are sooooo many possible solutions to the issues you both have here and you need to sit down and thrash out some sort of compromise you can both agree to here in the medium term. I’d suggest you try to calmly run through a few possible scenarios and look at their pros and cons for both of you. It’s true what others are saying, what he’s suggesting here may well not actually make much financial sense in the short term once you sit down together and properly run the numbers. And may need a lead in period while you train up etc. And yes you need to make sure if you’re doing more hours at work that he takes on his fair share of childcare and housework etc. I know most men aren’t great at this but I’m not sure why everyone is assuming this isn’t the case already, OP didn’t say anything about that aspect of things.

Oh and to add, if he has been able to build a successful business which pays for everything and you're all comfortable, why doesn't he feel pride and happiness that he provides for his family?
He brings home the bacon, what else does he actually want? Does he see his money as his money and not for the family?

You are being taken for an absolute mug by a man who just doesn't value your work.

If he can provide to the point you can be there for your child so they can be home from school every day at a reasonable hour, good!

You know, wrap around care is not the same as parental love. Child care providers aren't allowed to hug your child. They're not allowed to say I love you.
They must keep a professional distance at all times.
If they fall over they don't get a kiss better.

Only a loving parent can do that. It is no wonder kids have got serious mental health issues. It isn't at all in the child's best interests to be in school and clubs for 10 hours a day.

Stick to your guns op! (This post has riled me up!)

I agree. He sounds quite aggressive anyway if he gets angry about the house every day!

See what he does when you tell him he'll be sharing the sick days 50/50. I doubt he's supportive enough to have even considered that.

Just to say this isn't true re the lack of affection from childcare workers etc. My son is hugged and kissed at nursery. The workers there are lovely, and often when I pick him up he's sitting on one of their laps having cuddles and music time or reading.

I think one partner working very part time can only be supported if BOTH parties are on board. He sounds deeply resentful and to be honest, I don't blame him. Your son is 3 and whilst I appreciate everyone feels differently re nursery/childcare/routines he really ought to be having more social interactions with children his own age and nursery will do that for him.
It's ok not to be a "career person" but your marriage isn't going to survive if you dig your heels in regarding not wanting to work more.
Is there a compromise in that you could bring your working days up to 4 days a week as opposed to full time?
You can't have it both ways OP - you can't expect him to be happy and have your current childcare routine at home as well.

So any bloke during a cost of living crises who is stressed about being the household primary earner in a self employed capacity and the raft of responsibilities that brings should in actual fact just feel 'pride and happiness' that he is a 'provider' allowing his wife to work part time?? Okaaaaaaaaaaay

Neither of you are wrong - but did you both fully agree you would be mostly SAHP before DS was born? I can understand the resentment of being the majority income earner. Personally I always wanted to keep my financial independence with my career but I’m not massively ambitious

If my husband wanted to divorce me for being who God made me to be, a woman, a mother who cares for her children, they he will be free to go anytime he wants. Someone wanting me to have a nice salary so he can move into the house of his dreams. LOL, OMG...really? What about if I never have this amazing job but just find any job, even part time?

I think you are psychologically abused and soon if you just agree and try to do what he wants , you will be financially bullied also

stop shaming those parents (mums) who need to work and/or chose to work. It’s just as valid as not working

I know right!

it’s not the 1950s anymore @SwordToFlamethrower

I have a DC the same age and also work minimum hours to work around childcare. It is pressure on DP being the main earner and it does mean our income takes a hit, but they will be at school in no time. Childcare costs will be lower then and DC will be a bit older which reduces the mum guilt.

Will your DP compromise and keep things as they are for one more year? You could use the time to do a course?

Peony654

the poster is psychologically bullied . no one is shaming her for that. people want to offer compassion

you don't get married to be forced to work so you have the right amount of salary, so your partner moves to the house he wants. It does not work necessarily this way in everyone's life

you can work as hard you want and never have the house of your dreams or all the nice things you want

He feels trapped and is simmering with rage. You are taking the brunt of it. The only way out in his mind is to break up the family to FORCE the sake of the house he hates.

You need to accept you are moving and work out a plan together.

In your position I would want to know what would happen if you work full time but due to the cost of childcare you still couldn’t move, would he be happy to accept that and where you live now? Then I’d plan from there.

You know, wrap around care is not the same as parental love. Child care providers aren't allowed to hug your child. They're not allowed to say I love you.
They must keep a professional distance at all times.
If they fall over they don't get a kiss better.

Should I have the breakfast club worker my DD just ran up to and gave a hug when I was dropping her off at school arrested then? Or her first nursery key worker who would say “bye, love you” when she was a baby? Or the TA that gives her a cuddle if she grazes her knee at school?

Literally no one is claiming childcare is the same as parental love, but for a child from a stable and loving family it really doesn’t need to be. They still have their loving primary relationships.

You don’t need to make childcare out to be some kind of dystopian, Romanian orphanage nightmare to justify your choice to work no or fewer hours because that’s a perfectly valid choice in its own right. Just as other women’s choice to work more hours is also perfectly valid. And neither is going to lead to damaged children, (but a dysfunctional marriage between their parents might).

Op it's probably a combination of wanting you to be more ambitious and bringing more money.
Yes you know each other for many years but people's views change.
I would explore my options - could you mostly work from home and shift your core hours with DH so your son can be in the nursery a bit less? You can see him a bit more than normal hours even if you are working more

It really is stressful being the main earner in today’s UK, especially now during this cost of living crisis and especially if self-employed which has inherent risks.

He sounds very stressed and I don’t think it’s fair as a pp put it for one person in a relationship to unilaterally decide that the other person will earn the lion’s share of the money and they’ll be a SAHP.

So much this! You need to go back to work more days a week. And take some pressure off your husband

OP, I think you should work more. Lots of mums do it. I do. I wish I could spend more time with my children but my husband and I have had to assess our finances and this is where we landed. I think it is healthier for our relationship and we share responsibilities such as when the kids are ill, appointments, etc. I also have a good pension and so we will both be much better off in retirement both having contributed to pensions.

It doesn’t sound like you can’t work more hours because childcare would be unaffordable or your job doesn’t allow this - you just CBA!!!

Childcare workers do hug kids. Mine always had hugs at nursery.
I still think her DH is a knob.

Is the threatening divorce a real threat or just him trying to articulate (badly) how strongly he feels?

DH, and by OP's reckoning as well, sounds really unhappy. So OP's happiness is coming at his expense. So many of the posters on here seem to think that he should just suck it up because OP's happiness is more important. Why?

Why is it best for the "family" to have one parent that is unhappy but that's ok because he agreed to be the main breadwinner?

I think you need to sit down and thrash it out. Look into all FT related childcare costs - how much for FT nursery, how much for a CM, what the options are when your DV starts school (spoiler, if you want CM cover in the holidays, you often have to pay for the hours your child is in school). Look at the salary you can reasonably expect FT, work out the tax and NI.

Put all the bills down in a spreadsheet (he probably forgets childcare is an expense if it comes out of your account).

Then list every household task. Who will do the weekly shop, the laundry, clean the bathroom and kitchen? Will you need a cleaner? If not, will he do the shop with the DC while you blitz the house? Does his appreciate that will be his Saturday, every single week, now, if you’re FT?

I think the divorce threat is extreme stress erupting. I have been self-employed in the past and it is very difficult, especially now. Her Dh must be thinking that if his business collapses, they will all be in a terrible mess. I don't understand why OP can't at least work 4 days a week.

What is he asking? Does he want you to pay for the childcare and half of the bills?
Childcare bills are usually as much as a mortgage payment around here.
Maybe put everything in one pot, hand out spends that are equal to each of you and then pay bills (all of them) and save money from what's left.
He's being an arse.