Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Each to their own but I think it’s in a baby/toddlers best interests to have a parent look after them rather then nursery staff. Having worked in nurseries it’s not the kind of place I’d feel happy for my baby to spend the majority of its time in. This is my personal preference and I wouldn’t have had children with someone who didn’t want that for our little ones.

It sounds like he already has one foot out the door. Men don't bring up divorce on a whim, unless they are manipulative arseholes. He's probably unhappy with the chaos of a small child and envisioning how his life would look if he lived alone with his current disposable income. Reading between the lines he is probably jealous of the attention you give your son as well. You sound like a wonderful mum but wanting to cry at the thought of being separated for more than 3 days and being the only person to buy toys sounds like you have an extremely close attachment. He senses this and isn't happy.

Well…. One big issue here is the fact he wants you to earn more but hasn’t actually proposed anything to make it feasible. By that I mean, paying fur more childcare out if his wages (so he actually feels the pinch re the cost!), him doing more HW etc… because you won’t be in the house to do it and him taking dc to nursery before and after work, incl time iff when he is ill so you can concentrate on your career the way he has for the last 3 years…. Thanks to you!!
So far, he seems to want you to earn more, work more but Wo changing anything else to his own routine/no inconvenience in his part.

The other huge issue is that he is making you responsible fir his own unhappiness. I mean the house you have might not be perfect but I doubt a house move is going to be what solves his problems. And making unilateral decisions on what YOU should be doing with YOUR life to solve HIS problems is…. Crap to say the least.
So is thinking that his wants are more important than yours and he can bulldoze around you and you should comply. There is a lack of respect towards you and your input that makes me very uneasy (I’m going to assume he also thinks looking after a toddler is easy and you dint do anything all day long right?).
And so is the fact he thinks he can use emotional pressure tactics such as ‘I’m going to divorce you if you dont change ego You are’ is ok…

Come on, posters bringing up weekly shop and laundry. They can do an online shop- that will take 10 minutes- and even with a baby, laundry doesn't need the OP to stay at home 5 days a week to do it.

What? You got married because you thought it made your husband, legally obligated to be the only one earning in the household?

I don't know where the 'selfish DH wants OP to fund HIS dream home' came from.

OP said herself there are terrible neighbours, it's not a good area etc.

Why do we assume DH is thinking only of himself when it comes to the house?

Most parents would want to raise their child in a good safe area, in a comfortable home, with good local schools and clubs and no horrible neighbours.

If he's expecting a sim racing room or something stupid for himself from the new home, then I can see why OP takes issue with it. But if he just wants a better home for his family, then I don't see why that makes him a dick.

He also isn't just concerned about the house but their financial security overall as he works on contracts and there is no real second income as a safety net. That's just sensible.

OP is also 'literally crying' at the idea of her three (THREE!) year old doing an extra day or two in nursery (where presumably he is already settled in and OP has been happily sending him 2.5 days a week). If I was DH I would find that quite an extraordinary reaction and potentially a manipulative one.

Reading between the lines he is probably jealous of the attention you give your son as well. You sound like a wonderful mum but wanting to cry at the thought of being separated for more than 3 days and being the only person to buy toys sounds like you have an extremely close attachment. He senses this and isn't happy.

I wouldn't be happy with my DH working only 2.5 days and being so attached! And it wouldnt be because I was jealous. I think OP needs to detach from her son a little. Harsh as it sounds.

While I agree that we are not in the 50s any more,I still find it sad that women who are with a Partner, are expected to return to FT work with small DC.You are working PT ,which is plenty I think.He sees you as "only doing 2.5 days" except I bet he doesnt see how much HW etc you do .If he wants more ,he needs to step up ,its not fair to put it on you .

1- she isn’t at home 5 days a week. She already works 2.5 days a week
2- yes ‘they’ can do the shopping online (takes more than 10 mins though), the cleaning at the WE. But how much do you bet it’s tte OP who will still do all of that and he is going to do just as little as he does now?
3- I doubt this guy is going to be content with her doing the same job but full time. Nope he wants her to earn enough so he can have what HE wants. He wants her to have her to have a personality transplant be become career driven when she never was. He isn’t going to be content with her simply going from half time to full time work.

its not just ‘pottering around’ though is it.
I loved the years I spent with my children and being able to be there for them 100%. It also meant my husband could focus on his job 100% too as he didn’t have to factor in cooking, cleaning and childcare during the week.
for us personally it was a comfortable arrangement that worked. We made financial sacrifices like no professional haircuts, beauty treatments , no new furniture etc and I always cooked from scratch. That’s how we made it work. It made no sense to us for both of us to be stressed in a job and for our children to have to be without both their parents majority of the time before they could even walk or talk.

@QueensBees I don't see that at all. The OP hasn;t mentioned what housework he does, so we can't assume. But we do know they live in a rough area with awful neighbours, because she says so. Why should the DH work all hours and then return to a horrible home because OP wants to buy all the toys?🤔

This "not a career person" business doesnt work in 2023. Maybe her DH was fine with that 14 years ago. Times have changed.

the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry.

You'll get over it. Honestly, tears are not something to hold over him in this situation. It needs to be a more practical discussion about how to go forward. Your situation with DC will be changing soon anyway and you'll be able to work/contribute to bills more without huge childcare overheads. It's not enough to say "i'm not ambitious" and expect someone else to fund that.

All of housework doesn’t take 10 minutes. Any woman who goes from PT to FT without first renegotiating division of housework is a fool

@SunRainStorm that’s because, despite the fact the OP describes all the faults of the house, she doesn’t say SHE wants to move. Only that it’s making her DH angry, that HE can’t cope with it and HE wants to move. Not her, him.

fwiw what the OP describes are things my DH would say about our current house (bar the NDN). I have no issue with the house myself.
Its just that we live in a housing estate and his dream is a farm house in the middle of the countryside with no NDN.
We can’t afford a farm house. And he happily overlooks all the good sides of that house. We’ve settled that down years ago - that’s what we can afford so that’s what we have.

No where in the op's post has she said that he expects her to do all the housework etc if she goes back to work full time

Also all this 'oh she has to pay for extra childcare etc' err well yes, I'm sure some of her wages will go towards this, but considering that her dh pays for everything else out of his wages, that seems only fair that she contributes more towards other expenses. I'm sure if he suggested she pays the mortgage and the bills and he pays childcare she'd be less happy.

Seems it's one rule for one and another for the rest. He's expected to work full time and cover all the bills, to enable her to work part time, continue with her 'lovely' routine, and only pay for a bit of childcare etc. what if HE wanted to work part time and have a 'lovely' routine whilst she HAD to work full time, would that be fair?

Marriage should be a partnership, and it reads like only one person is enjoying this partnership at the moment. How about a bit of compromise and working together so you are both happy. Sounds like he's reached the end of his tether and has issued this ultimatum of divorce to shock the op into action.

@Dolphinnoises I didn't say all of housework needs 10 minutes. I think the online shop does. OP has posted only once and made no mention of housework as being her problem in going back to work. She just says she wants to spend time with her son.

Lol
if he works ‘all hours’ (which the OP doesn’t say), he physically won’t have the time to do the HW.
Plus the OP will have done most of it anyway by default.

It's a hard one because for the next few years I don't think you'll see in an increased income at the end of it because of the increased costs.
Is your husband intending to step up and pay half the childcare costs, as well as stepping up with household jobs if you go f/t?

You need to have a serious conversation and get to the bottom of this. Him mentioning divorce is very concerning (and all that anger) and either he's already made his mind up it's over or his contract work is drying up. You need to find out what. I really don't think it's just about the house.

OPs husband can’t be that worried or he wouldn’t be suggesting getting a bigger house. She can’t work 4 days a week because she’s busy being a mother. 2.5 is more then enough and she shouldn’t be expected to work anymore unless her husband is willing to do 50% of the childcare and household duties too. But then he’d have to take 50% from his working life so what would be the point in that?.

Op, you are going to have to clarify if the housework is your main problem in going back to work, if you want an answer from MN.😉And how long your DH works? Presumably 5 days.

No wonder so many children have mental health conditions these days and don’t even know what gender they are.

Btw @BansheeofInisherin are you telling us that nowadays EVERYONE should be a career person? It’s not enough to work full time, you need to want and have a career too?

You do realise that to do that, it also involves working long hours.
Who is going to pick up the child at nursery if they are both ‘career driven’? Who is going to look after the child when they are ill?

Atm her DH has the ability to ‘work long hours’ and be career driven BECAUSE she is there to pick up the child etc… If she was to become as driven as he is, who do you think will have to make the most efforts to make it work?

I can guarantee it would be the OP, simply because her DH hasn’t even mentioned any of the issues could come with her wft and he could help to overcome them (aka by working as a team). He only said that this is what he wants. He expects this to happen Wo a thought about the practical thing consequences of that.

No wonder so many children have mental health conditions these days and don’t even know what gender they are.

Are you suggesting that this is because their mums worked when they were young?

EH @Mumtothreegirlies I am yet to see any data that shows a connection between SAHMS and children who know what gender they are. Do you have any to support your point?

@QueensBees I assume they will work it out like most other couples in the UK do.

Posters are not saying that the HW is tte main issue for the OP.

They are pointing out this is ONE of the MANY issues the OP will need to look at with him if she was to up her hours.

So is the childcare arrangements (picking up and dropping), chid illness and general running of the house that the OP is doing atm and isn’t shared.