Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

There is unreasonableness on both sides. I know wouldn’t be happy at all in a relationship where the financial contribution was so uneven. However this should all have been discussed pre baby or before the baby got to be 3 years old, it’s unfair of your DH to let it get to the point of argument.

This ^

Could you work slightly more and pay towards the bills?
An idea is to go halves on the childcare bill so he can see how much it costs and you buy the food and pay for another bill or something along those lines.

What do you mean by 'ordinary type job' OP?

Do you have options to take on more responsibilities or training in your field in order to earn more?

Working 2.5 days a week is very little. You're not paying for much (especially if your childcare encompasses free hours) and it's not fair to your DH if you're prioritising your lifestyle over his.

Where is your son at the moment while you work if you say he’s due to start morning pre school soon? If you are in the UK your childcare expenses should be pretty low if he’s (presumably) entitled to the 30 free hours? Averaged over a whole year that is give or take about 2.5 full days.

I don't think either of you are wrong although he seems to be expressing his opinion quite aggressively. Threatening divorce?
In my mind 3 is still very young and most of your earnings would go on child care.
I returned to work when my youngest was at school. Now they're 12 and 10 and I still only work part time (50%). My DH supports this. He would also support me working full time if I wanted. The truth is me working part time benefits the whole family. It benefits the children because I have more time to focus on them, it benefits me because there's less pressure on my time and I want the children to get my main focus. It benefits DH because I'm able to do 90% of the domestic chores (which I generally enjoy) and there's just less pressure on the family.
When my youngest starts high school next year I want to work more hours and increase my earnings. This all works perfectly for us.
However, if your DH feels under pressure being the main earner his feelings need to be taken in to account. Can a compromise be found? Can you agree to find full time work when your child is at school?

If the house is making him that unhappy, sell it and rent, or move to a similar priced one for now. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get it, and what do you want more, the big house or time with your child ? I know which I’d choose.

I’d feel the same and would want to divorce if I’m honest because supporting myself and 50% of a child would be less pressure than supporting myself, 50% of a child and another grown adult. But these threads never go well as some women on here think they have a God given right to be a SAHP regardless of what it does to the mental well-being of their partner.

He sounds like an angry, deeply unhappy person. He’s angry every day because he lives in a new-build house?!

I would suggest you work more, but not to please him. So that you can be financially independent, because this relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

And please get your child benefit paid into your own account, just in case.

Perhaps OP can go FT and her husband part time and look after child if it’s so important to have one parent at home - hmm thought not

It's all very well not being a career person and to enjoy life in the slow lane with your son until you're suddenly a single parent. You're not building up any financial security for yourself this way, and I'd have a serious talk with your husband about the ways in which he needs to step up with housework, childcare etc to enable you to work more.

Women on here whose partners want to stay at home or work part time are invariably told this is unacceptable and their men must pull their socks up 🤷‍♀️.

It's not a human right to opt out of full time work at another person's expense, but neither is it a human right for a man to swan off to work and leave all the child and house stuff to his wife while also expecting her to earn lots.

Act now to find employment. Your DH has started his escape plan.

Neither of you are listening to each other.

I sympathise with you both, and understand both viewpoints.

The thing is, what are you going to do? What was the plan before you got pregnant? What is your plan when DC starts school?

Work out a plan together. Something that's realistic and where all parties feel valued, understood, not being 'carried'. And I mean that in all senses - finances, shared household jobs, childcare, etc.

Well, how about talking through a compromise? You look at retraining/what would be needed to get a better job with a view that you'll look at moving to something different when your DC starts pre-school with 30 free hours, so the childcare hit will be minimised?

Unfortunately costs are just getting higher and it's pretty normal for parents to have to work full time, even if they would rather not.

And yes, agreed to what everyone else said about making sure that child and house related jobs are split equally. Does he do his fair share (commensurate to him working more than you) at the moment? If he doesnt, that's the first thing to bring up.

I think if he is threatening divorce there are probably bigger issues than just your job and the house. Afterall, with a divorce he would be even less likely to be able to afford something bigger.

I'm curious as to what his issues with the house are. How bad can it actually be?

Have you sat down and done the calculations around how much extra you would actually bring in full time? I'm in a very similar situation to you. DH earns 8 times what I do, and I work 2.5 days a week. An opportunity came up recently for me to go full time and we did all the sums. Because of the way the tax system works, if I doubled my hours, I wouldn't get double the pay because I'd would start paying tax, student loan etc. On the other hand, our childcare bill would double. We would only be slightly better off financially. I'm talking £100 a month at most. That £100 was not worth giving up all the benefits to us both from me being part time, such as being able to do all the cleaning, shopping etc and being there for the kids.

I understand where he is coming from. He doesn't want to be the main breadwinner, and that's fair enough. It's very stressful and it would be hard not to feel resentful towards the other person if they seem unwilling to share that load.

He may also find the lack of ambition very unattractive... for lots of people, it isn't about the money itself, it's about the qualities that they want in a life partner. He is entitled to feel how he feels.

However, you say that you've always been like this, so imo it's quite weird to marry someone without any drive or ambition and then get annoyed with them for being like that. Did you talk about how you would manage things between you before having children or was it just that assumptions were made on both sides?

Personally, I think the default is that everything - earning, childcare, domestic stuff etc - should be split equally between both parents, and any other arrangement has to be by mutual agreement. Of course, if he wants you to work more, then he will need to step up with regard to pulling his weight at home, caring for dc etc. It absolutely wouldn't be fair to expect you to work more while still carrying all of that load. But if he is willing to do that, I think it is reasonable to ask you to work more. Your dc will be fine either way.

I honestly think the most important question is what did you agree before dc? Because if the deal was that you would both work full time, particularly if his workmis erratic, I don't blame him for being upset now.

Having said that, as part of his insistence that you work more, is it well understood that childcare costs will go up? Also that most likely there will be more compromise needed for things like pick ups and drop off, housework, cooking etc. Because I assume you do the vast bulk of that currently.

How much does he contribute in a hands on way to household chores and childcare? I expect if you worked extra hours you'd still end up doing almost everything you do now regarding housework and looking after your son. I bet he hasn't even considered that aspect and how much he does in that respect.

Possibly he's worried about his job security and the pressure of just 1 income. Possibly he's just looking to complain and starting the process of you splitting up but setting the scene for it being your fault due to you not working enough.

If the focus really is extra income I'd consider taking an evening job a few evenings a week for as soon as he's home from work. He takes on dinner and child bedtime duties while you work. If he complains about having to do that you'll know what his attitude is.

Before you turn your life upside down and do what he wants, will you working FT and a new house really make him happy, or will he then want something else ? It’s not about what he wants, it’s about what you both want, and the compromises you’re both willing to make. If it doesn’t suit you, don’t do it.

So what reason will you come up with your child is in school? are you not going to work FT forever?

I work part time because it works for our family. It was always the deal when we had children. DH works long hours and so doesn’t have to do anything around the house. He still does of course when he sees things, he very much pulls his weight and would do anything I asked if I hadn’t got round to it. I do all family admin which I don’t mind. This works for us to avoid any childcare costs. I will increase my hours slightly when he retires and it’ll be my turn to keep him! But it’s always a joint decision. If he threatened me with divorce over it, I’d be tempted to tell him to leave and do it. Adults have conversations, not shoot threats around when they’re not getting their own way. But equally you need to work out if you need to increase your hours. How much would it cost in extra childcare? You said you paid for childcare, does he expect that to continue? If you’re going 50/50 then you need to tell him what his share will be. He might be expecting you to pay for it all. Go into the conversation with figures, expectations around share of housework, mental load etc. try not to get emotional about it to get your points across better.

This sorry, what is the plan if his earnings don't cover the bills? How much do you earn a month and how much is childcare?.

It's all priorities really. He wants to upgrade his home at the expense of time for his son to spend with his mum, you want the opposite.
What you would need to earn to upgrade your home and also increase your childcare requirements might be enormous... And is that even realistic?
Personally, I'd want to work that out and see if an achievable plan can be worked out and what the time scale would be. You can't just walk into a high paying job and more hours on low income would just be swallowed in childcare so you'd just be building experience for an eventual promotion, so that would still take time.
But he clearly hates his home which isn't fun, and at the same time he shouldn't blame you for being the same person you always were when he married you. It is crap that he's threatening divorce for that reason! Let's hope it's just an expression of his desperation and not him being an arsehole.
I was in a similar situation, my DH also couldn't stand where we were living, we choose to prioritise time for the kind with mum, but we both saw that as the priority and changing our living situation we saw as a longer term aim, the younger years being soon gone. So I'd feel exactly like you, the tricky but is you both are leaning in different directions.
The root problem is the house though, not your attitude or priorities.
Is there an intermediate move you could make which would address the pain of where you are without requiring you to suddenly be pulling in a lot of money?
Can you make a sideways move?

His concerns are valid, in terms of deciding together the balance of work outside the home vs childcare. However he sounds very unreasonable in the way he's raising things if he's raging and threatening divorce. Is he otherwise controlling?