Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife my thoughts exactly 😂 Glad it’s not just me!

I’d have been totally cool if he hadn’t messaged me and in fact wasn’t expecting to hear from him. We had a brief opening chat yesterday that came to a natural end. He could have just waited until he had something to say beyond “morning”

I’ve heard sometime describe messages like that as the virtual equivalent of tapping someone on the shoulder and not saying anything.

“I’ve heard sometime describe messages like that as the virtual equivalent of tapping someone on the shoulder and not saying anything.”

Yup. Are they worried that if they don’t say something you’ll go off them? And not realising that the more they do that the more you go off them anyway? 🤔

I went on my 7th first date today, which I had high hopes for. He was the first person I matched with when I started OLD and we had previously chatted for a bit then he dropped down my list and I forgot about him.

I had some unexpected free time today, so contacted him yesterday to see if we could meet up today.

The date (coffee on the river) was very pleasant and I found him nicely attractive, but his life is in a mess (recently separated and not divorced), and it sounds like he and his wife are quite acrimonious, and also rustling over their DC, while I'm fairly settled.

One of my hard nos is a man who is still technically married as I don't want to invite that sort of drama into mine and my DC lives. Unfortunately he didn't make that clear before I met him! I'll definitely add are you still married to one of my pre-date questions in future!

Anewnamea It felt like he was absolutely shocked that somebody might not have every evening free & he just kind of gave up at that point & thought he'd stop being the pleasant, normal man he'd been up until that point & go for sex at mine instead then

@Thisisworsethananticpated 100% adulting is tough but like you said we are working through stuff better than we did in the past.
I'm glad to hear you are doing good and sounding strong and in control.

@Starseeking if you got on well and found him attractive, will you see him again? I’m still married but 100% my exH is just that, ex! Not divorced due to financial things to sort out which may take some time.

@NervesOfCotton thanks! Lol. I do go invisible 😂

I have unpaused Hinge and had a couple of matches and also two chats on Facebook dating.

Have changed what I’m looking for to a long term relationship, so that will no doubt decrease likes! 🙈😂

Unfortunately not @VenturingOut80. He says they only split up in January this year after 13 years together, and he's at the stage of claiming that all the issues in the relationship were with his ex. Things sound very acrimonious between them, and I don't want to be a crutch.

He's also just moved into a house share at 45, whereas I own my home, car, savings, pension, and I don't like him enough to go further knowing what I know now about relationships!

@Anewnamea I agree with you on boundary setting.

I matched with a 50 year old man week, who said he has twin girls age 24 and that his wife died 5 years ago.

After 3 or 4 days chatting I was on the verge of agreeing to meet up with him, when he started texting me filth. I said I wasn't comfortable with that chat given we'd not met, then the expletives came out, calling me a frigid bitch and all sorts.

This man must obviously have his copy paste filth messages already set up because he then starting sending me a string of explicit messages about what he wanted to do to me, too quickly to be typing at that time, which I had to block in the middle of the stream.

To say I was shocked is an understatement, to say the least. Very glad I dodged that bullet.

@NervesOfCotton sorry to hear that, there was no need for him to be so rude!

@NervesOfCotton Also the entitlement is unreal, he decided he can come round your house for food and sex and got angry when it didn’t suit you. The mask came off quick! Reminds me of a man who suggested we exchange pictures “instead” when I’d said I wasn’t able to meet for coffee that week. I was baffled by his suggestion and declined since I have multiple pics up on the app already and his previously pleasant attitude changed so fast 😂

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife yep, it’s a shame some of them don’t realise they’re more likely to put a match off by bringing attention to poor conversational skills/ low effort and would be better off staying quiet until they’re up for a proper chat 😆

Morning all.

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife

God yes I hate those messages. Trying to get a conversation going with someone monosyllabic is a pet hate of mine.

I hate when you ask them something about themselves or their life and they reply ‘yes’ or even worse ‘lol’

@Starseeking

Ugh don’t you just hate those men who think absolute filth is sexy and it’s what they think we want? And when they start with the insults because you won’t indulge their sleaziness - red flag!

@Starseeking I don’t blame you re. Man who was still married. I wouldn’t be up for entertaining a married man in any way shape or form. Especially when you get so many threads on here about women being fooled by a married man and being horrified to find out there the OW. I really think people should disclose if they’re still married before even arranging a date, but at least he came out with it eventually.

That’s horrendous about the man with twins, what an awful experience. That would have really shocked me too. I’ve never even considered the idea of a man pre- preparing abusive messages ready to copy and paste 😱 he sounds completely unhinged and dangerous tbh

It’s interesting how these sort of men can’t even hide how awful they are until after their first date. It would be in their interest to keep the mask on for as long as possible, but I’m glad they show us who they are in advance. When a lot of men complain about not being able to get any dates on apps I wonder if this is part of the reason for some of them.

VenturingOut80

I think there is a huge difference between ‘amicable seperated and not yet divorced ‘

to a man who literally still has the weeping raw wounds of an un amicable seperation he hasn’t yet processed , and probably can’t

and their pain and despair gets bought up in your first date !!!!

Nodding along to all of this. How about when you ask about their hobbies & they say 'Normal stuff' or music? Favourite food? 'Same as most people'.

I know those questions are mind-numbingly boring (for all of us!) But it's getting a feel for the man isn't it. I was actually giggling at these messages this man was sending me the other day (before he showed his true side) & it's just that isn't it, the massages aren't real, but they give you a vague feel for the person.

@NervesOfCotton

Totally. The first few messages can be a bit like an interview but as you say it’s about getting a feel for someone and if there’s something to work with. Closed or one word responses don’t give us anywhere to go and it’s hard work.

I do hate when someone says ‘tell me about you’ - I never know what to say. I’ve gone back before and said ‘what do you want to know’ and the reply was ‘everything’ 🤷‍♀️

SamW I've had that before, numerous times
Also 'Why are you single?' Ugh.
(Might answer that one sarcastically sometimes...)

Were you on the date with me lol

This is exactly what happened, most of the date was spent talking about his wife...no thank you!

Starseeking

😂😂😂😂

True! I suspect my exH would be the latter. He's so not over it.

The one word answers are such a passion killer! If you can't even be bothered to write a full sentence what is the point in meeting.

My pet hate is 'What are you looking for'. So far that seems to equate to 'are you up for a quick shag?'

My pet hate is 'What are you looking for'. So far that seems to equate to 'are you up for a quick shag?'

I usually answer "my missing sock".

Lack of effort with messages and profiles seems to be the norm these days.

I spent ages getting new photos & thinking about what to write in my profile.
99.9% of matches haven't even looked past the first photo.

My date tonight hasn't replied to my message asking if we're still on. So that might be cancelled 🙄

Agree @NellyTheCake

Ive put effort into my profile and yet messages show that no one has actually bothered to read a word of it.

We might as well just put one photo and leave it at that

SamW98
But we put the effort in for the one person who takes the time to look through your profile and decides they'd like to get to know you better.

Unfortunately, finding that one person is becoming more & more difficult.

Sorry things didn't work out with Mr EA. For what it's worth, I thought you handled it very well.