Distancing myself from long term friend - but feeling bad

[S2P78]

Hello,
In summary, a long-term friendship (24 years) has become very difficult, and made me feel rubbish, and I don't want to engage with her at the moment. I'm seeking thoughts on how to manage this, as she's told me she feels 'shut down'.
Over the past three years, she's cancelled on me numerous times, become incredibly self-absorbed, and the final nail was her setting up a whatsapp support group as she's going through IVF on her own to try and have a baby (we're both in our 40s). She started sending daily injection updates on this (along with requests for 'glory songs' to go with each one), and there are 20 of us on the group. I went along with this for the first round, then start of the second, but then it felt too much. I've got a lot of my own stuff going on (relationship problems and dad with alzheimer's, etc). I've sent her supportive messages, a book and card as it is for this IVF round, and I had loads of conversations with her last year about the IVF and chose the sperm donar with her on a long zoon call. In the end, I sent her a message saying I wish her all the luck in the world, fully support her, but can't be on the whatsapp group anymore. This was after avoiding speaking to her this year because at Christmas she said she needed to 'forensically' examine the friendship, which left me cold. I feel a bit bullied and that it's so all about her and she can't see past herself, or understand how I feel in all this.
She told me that by taking myself off the whatsapp group I'm not on her IVF journey, and she's sad I can't respect that the 'songs/banter' are her way of needing support during what's a really tough experience. She basically laid on the guilt trip...saying I had basically shut her down and now wasn't supporting the way that she need.
I'm finding the friendship and her impossible, and now she says she'll call me after this round, which I'm pretty sure is going to involve her telling me how I've hurt her feelings. I can't see the conversation going well, but by not talking to her she's making me feel bad. How can I handle this please?

She sounds insufferable

She sounds very difficult.

If she does start, you could point out that you also need support - you're not just a supporting character to her story but you also have your own stuff going on which she isn't supporting you with and is making worse by her demands for you to be her cheerleader.

Or just stop contacting her and back away further if she starts having a go at you.

Just sack her off, she's a complete pain in the arse.

People change over time, relationships change over time and you can take comfort and joy remembering the good times you had in the past but now it's time to move on as you are both no longer the same people with the same interests and lifestyles.

I don't use WhatsApp as I hear too many stories similar to yours and it appears to turn many people into becoming over sharing nutjobs.

You've got one life, stop wasting it on people who aren't on the same page as you.

You can mute WhatsApp groups so you don't get notifications, and can either ignore or read posts when you feel like it.

With regards the old friendship, don't feel guilty for looking after yourself. Your friend sounds overly self absorbed and exhausting.

If it all gets too much step further back, explain you don't feel you can be the support she needs at the moment.

What a total bore fest for you.
This sounds tedious and self-absorbed in the extreme.

Following this because I have a pattern of ending up in these emotionally draining relationships too.

Sounds like a really unequal friendship.
She bins you then goes back to you, presumable because she s feeling rubbish and wants to take her feelings out on someone and no other friends would tolerate that dynamic.
Best for your mental health and self esteem if you remove yourself from her line of target.
Just don't respond to messages like that don't engage she s looking for responses and engagement and not matter what you say or do it likely won't be enough as she needs an emphatic Al punch bag

Normally I would disengage and just let things drift, but in this case..

I'd tell her how difficult your Dad's alzheimers is to deal with. I've been there. You watch the person you adore slowly eaten up by this brain disease. It gradually takes your loved one and fills his body with a stranger who doesn't recognise you very often, who may be frightened and distressed and therefore may lash out. It steals them.

Lay it on thick, that you're in a very difficult place send you can't support her - you have nothing left in the tank.

I'm sure you really hope that it works out for her, etc, etc, but that's HER life, and you have your own responsibilities and worries that have to be your priorities.

Tldr - she's being a selfish sod and you do not have to put her first. Let her drop you if she wants. She's an emotional vampire and you'll find life better without her.

Just tell her you can’t be what she needs so for both of you it’s best if you step away from the friendship

A WhatsApp group with 20 people who are expected to shower her with love and attention? She sounds crackers.

Does she think that everyone who isn't going to Wimbledon this year doesn't respect Wimbledon? Or all the people who aren't chefs don't respect chefs?

She doesn't see you as you are, and wants to talk you down. Not sure why you think you're friends. She's not being friendly to you, or even nice.

She isn't 'making you feel bad'. You are choosing to perceive this in a way that makes you somehow 'guilty', so you're feeling guilty. Would you feel bad if she said you'd violently beaten her? Doubtful. You'd be worried about her sanity, and pissed off about the false accusation. The problem is you think you might have done something wrong.

Stop allowing your feelings to be manipulated. She's being unpleasant to you. Walk away.

I'd give her a little leeway on the (frankly bonkers) WhatsApp group due to pumping herself full of hormones and that sending people a bit loopy.

But I'd not cut her any slack for her total lack of awareness of your life and how hard it is to deal with a parent with dementia.

You really don't need to waste the headspace on her (unless you find it a welcome distraction).

Thanks all. These responses are a big help. I've felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't like her much at the moment, but recognise it's a long friendship and she's going through a tough time with the solo IVF (though also think that's her choice). It may just be a phase, so have been torn between just completely cutting off or letting her tell me how I've made her feel. She'll never see my side because of how self-focused she is at the moment.

Just take no notice. You're not stuck between anything, because you don't have to do anything. If you don't want to be in her group, don't. If you think she's going to meet you and criticise you, postpone until you feel like it. Nobody is making you act within the friendship.

Thanks @Watchkeys you're right. Just how would you deal with the guilt trip as a result of postponing until I feel like it? That's basically what I've been doing but she says the 'shut down' is 'horrid'.

Can't imagine your phone not blowing up is she does get pregnant...
Imagine 9 months of 'supporting' her pregnancy.. And the birth...
Urgh. Best off out of the whole drama op.
No disrespect to anyone having IVF...

I'd recognise that I hadn't done anything wrong, and if she wanted to see it as 'horrid', that's her perception rather than a fault in me. So there wouldn't be a guilt trip. Nobody can make me feel guilty for being horrid unless I myself think I've been horrid. I'm not horrid, and I don't do horrid things, so there would be no guilt.

Your question is 'Why am I willing to believe that I am being horrid?'

There's a self belief thing in there. When were you first encouraged to believe that you're not a good person with good intentions, and that other people's interpretation is the way to judge yourself? Obviously, the question is 'What was your relationship like with your mother as you grew up?'

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree, it's just commonly this way.

Just how would you deal with the guilt trip as a result of postponing until I feel like it? That's basically what I've been doing but she says the 'shut down' is 'horrid'.

God I’m am waiting with baited breath for this answer because I am in a similar situation awaiting a similar emotional bollocking myself and my patience has worn to a complete thread with the situation. @S2P78 I am so shit at dealing with the emotional manipulation.

Forensically examine the relationship??
Wholeheartedly agree with PP.... Insufferable, completely.

It is so liberating to leave people like her behind OP.
I wouldn't give her another thought. If you can't bring yourself to stop communication totally, just swerve her, be vague etc and she'll give up quick enough.
Don't feed it.

Thanks @Swallowdoubleandrunamile I've been trying to swerve her but she's so persistent. Yes, the forensic comment left me completely cold, and I did tell her that's why I've been avoiding 'the chat' - because that left me v uncomfortable.

@Watchkeys Yes, I hear you. I think the 'feeling guilty' belief actually comes from my dad, and I need to work on realising/believing I've not done anything wrong here.

You know you've not done anything wrong.

You're essentially believing a nasty rumour about yourself here. What would you do if someone said that one of your kids had been horrid to them? Or another friend, who you think is a lovely lovely person? Would you think that they should feel guilty, or would you be indignant? 'How could someone say that about you? You're such a lovely person, you're not horrid at all!!'

I'd just block her from contacting you in anyway.
It's all about her, she's punishing you by making you wait till she's finished her round so she can have a go at you and is sticking you on a guilt trip. She's not a friend op, she's a user.

Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.

I don't nean to upset you by saying this, as I actually think that SHE is being horrid. You're dealing with the slow decline of your father (irrespective of how good or bad the relationship, that takes a toll) and SHE is selfishly expecting you to focus on her attempts to get pregnant.

Possible future child does not trump present, real human Dad who is right here, right now.

She's behaving selfishly and doesn't care a bit about your current troubles.

You don't have to stay in contact with someone that self absorbed and callous.

I'd have ghosted her after the forensic comment tbh. How hurtful.

Oh my god
she thinks she’s so important
I couldn’t imagine ever demanding so much time and attention from people.
theres 20 people in this what’s app group .wow ,
she sounds like a user ,
I don’t think I’d do a big explanation thing ,but I’d definitely be a lot more busy in future