Distancing myself from long term friend - but feeling bad

[S2P78]

Hello,
In summary, a long-term friendship (24 years) has become very difficult, and made me feel rubbish, and I don't want to engage with her at the moment. I'm seeking thoughts on how to manage this, as she's told me she feels 'shut down'.
Over the past three years, she's cancelled on me numerous times, become incredibly self-absorbed, and the final nail was her setting up a whatsapp support group as she's going through IVF on her own to try and have a baby (we're both in our 40s). She started sending daily injection updates on this (along with requests for 'glory songs' to go with each one), and there are 20 of us on the group. I went along with this for the first round, then start of the second, but then it felt too much. I've got a lot of my own stuff going on (relationship problems and dad with alzheimer's, etc). I've sent her supportive messages, a book and card as it is for this IVF round, and I had loads of conversations with her last year about the IVF and chose the sperm donar with her on a long zoon call. In the end, I sent her a message saying I wish her all the luck in the world, fully support her, but can't be on the whatsapp group anymore. This was after avoiding speaking to her this year because at Christmas she said she needed to 'forensically' examine the friendship, which left me cold. I feel a bit bullied and that it's so all about her and she can't see past herself, or understand how I feel in all this.
She told me that by taking myself off the whatsapp group I'm not on her IVF journey, and she's sad I can't respect that the 'songs/banter' are her way of needing support during what's a really tough experience. She basically laid on the guilt trip...saying I had basically shut her down and now wasn't supporting the way that she need.
I'm finding the friendship and her impossible, and now she says she'll call me after this round, which I'm pretty sure is going to involve her telling me how I've hurt her feelings. I can't see the conversation going well, but by not talking to her she's making me feel bad. How can I handle this please?

Just tell her that unfortunately your mental health is quite poor at the moment (lie, basically) and so you are prioritising that. You are doing this by taking time out from friendships etc. You will let her know when your brain is better.

This is how I dealt with a toxic friendship. Ie make it all your fault. It worked a treat. Unless she's a complete bitch she can't argue with your need to take care of yourself.

Hello everyone. It's been a while! Thank you all for your extremely helpful responses/suggesetions. In the end when she called (and didn't ask me anything much about my life at all, and spoke at length about her IVF) I said I had found the friendship very difficult and quite hurtful, so for now I don't want to meet up (as she suggested meeting up). This felt really hard as it was drawing a line, and sad. But for now, it's not a good friendship for me. She's soon to do her third round of IVF, and I'm glad not to be on her whatsapp support group. I do feel very sad though it still feels all about her. She never even asked how my dad is on the call, and I'd said in a message a while back that things have got bad. Anyway, thanks. Feels like losing a family member as we were such good friends, but it didn't sit right.

Well done, OP. Its very hard to let go, so allow yourself to grieve the loss of the old friendship. The current "friendship" is so one sided that there's nothing to grieve for, after all.
I lost a long term friend a few years ago, and whilst it hurt like hell at the time, I was actually finding her a negative in my life and having no contact has been good for me, something I only realised once we were no longer in touch. I miss who she was 15 years ago, and I don't miss the bitter, self centred person she gradually morphed into.
It's very liberating freeing yourself from a relationship that no longer works.

Thanks for the update OP. Sounds like your managed it well. I think you mostly got good advice on this thread. It’s been an interesting read.

It reminded me how I had to end a friendship that was starting to annoy me. She then only upped the arrogance and pity me, “I have to manage on my own, tiny violin antics”. It was very annoying as I had a been a good friend.

I extracted myself rather messily and looked like a B* to her probably, but I was even trying to be nice doing that and I never blamed her or confronted her.

These people do manage to turn things round though, and make you feel guilty somehow! Arghh. Whatever their good points either in the present or the past (my friend could be funny and energetic and outspoken), I think they have mental issues they can’t see, perhaps often hidden until you start to notice or they relax more around you (ie.take you for granted and show more arrogant or difficult sides).

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Well done OP.

Time will help.

Its ok to feel sad.

If she does have a baby, it will only get a LOT worse.

You are well out of the situation.

Do not be the least bit surprise if she persists.

She is a bully who clearly has respect for the boundaries of others, just her own.

You may need to block her.

Look after yourself as you go through this difficult and painful time with your father.

Far better that you have finally seen her clearly and not got used by her over the coming years.

She sounds both tedious and batshit.

Well done op. You have to put yourself first. I got rid of flaky self absorbed friends this year or the ones that got in touch to see what my dd got in her exams!! Honestly the brass neck of it. Lol

Good for you OP it's hard but friendship should work both ways

It sounds like you handled the call perfectly. She seems to have a terminal case of Main Character Syndrome. Don't feel guilty just find yourself some actual friends who are mutually supportive.

You want her to leave you alone? Do this

#1 send her a text telling her that you have decided that being a mother is not for her and that God knows best, and that some people are just not meant to reproduce as it would go against Mother Nature's law of only the fittest survive and replicate. Tell her to accept it and stop wasting time and money trying to create a child when she doesn't need one anyway. OR

#2 send her a text telling her that she has become obnoxious and insufferable, and that you can't take it anymore, and that you don't care if she gets pregnant and that you don't want anything else to do with her. Ever. Goodbye, good luck and good riddance.

Remember, she is not MAKING YOU feel anything, you are doing that to yourself as you are judging and condemning yourself based on her assertions. Once you decide that it's okay that you don't give a shit about her or her life, you will be emotionally free and nothing she says to you or anyone else will bother you.

When there is a conflict between them and you, always choose yourself. Your peace of mind, your money, your time, your boundaries, your property, your children, your family, your nerves, your mental health, your life. Always make yourself most important thing in your world and you will never again have these kinds of problems.

You're welcome.

@Cimone Would you really ever say something so horrible to someone?

Agree @ThreadExterminator unnecessarily horrible. But @Cimone ’s penultimate paragraph “When there is a conflict…” I think makes some excellent points; you could post that on many Relationship threads. Some of us put others first too much, for no good reason.