Distancing myself from long term friend - but feeling bad

[S2P78]

Hello,
In summary, a long-term friendship (24 years) has become very difficult, and made me feel rubbish, and I don't want to engage with her at the moment. I'm seeking thoughts on how to manage this, as she's told me she feels 'shut down'.
Over the past three years, she's cancelled on me numerous times, become incredibly self-absorbed, and the final nail was her setting up a whatsapp support group as she's going through IVF on her own to try and have a baby (we're both in our 40s). She started sending daily injection updates on this (along with requests for 'glory songs' to go with each one), and there are 20 of us on the group. I went along with this for the first round, then start of the second, but then it felt too much. I've got a lot of my own stuff going on (relationship problems and dad with alzheimer's, etc). I've sent her supportive messages, a book and card as it is for this IVF round, and I had loads of conversations with her last year about the IVF and chose the sperm donar with her on a long zoon call. In the end, I sent her a message saying I wish her all the luck in the world, fully support her, but can't be on the whatsapp group anymore. This was after avoiding speaking to her this year because at Christmas she said she needed to 'forensically' examine the friendship, which left me cold. I feel a bit bullied and that it's so all about her and she can't see past herself, or understand how I feel in all this.
She told me that by taking myself off the whatsapp group I'm not on her IVF journey, and she's sad I can't respect that the 'songs/banter' are her way of needing support during what's a really tough experience. She basically laid on the guilt trip...saying I had basically shut her down and now wasn't supporting the way that she need.
I'm finding the friendship and her impossible, and now she says she'll call me after this round, which I'm pretty sure is going to involve her telling me how I've hurt her feelings. I can't see the conversation going well, but by not talking to her she's making me feel bad. How can I handle this please?

All on her terms again, isn't it?

Plan the chat for when she does ring. Know what your boundaries are, and the message you want to get across to her. Literally practise your lines.

Tell her that you can't give her the support she obviously needs. There's really to comeback to that.

Just leave her to it and don't feel guilty.

This behaviour isn't going to end if she has a successful pregnancy. No doubt her 20-strong support group will need to listen to endless tales of morning sickness, scanxiety etc. then how many soiled nappies etc. etc. It'll never end.

Fertility treatment was the easiest part of the solo parenting journey for me (and conceiving was far from straightforward).

Her pregnancy journey doesn't gain special status just because she's doing it alone and she'll alienate everyone if she carries on like this.

I have been in a similar situation in the last year . The friend- has at times been a really good friend at times but is so self absorbed .

I have probably through necessity than planned action but not pampered to her drama . Rather than when kicks off about something minor just almost pacified.. I have no idea why I have done this but I have to say that actually now it feels a much more balanced friendship..

I would just send an email lay out you don’t plan to evaluate your friendship - it feels things have already changed if you feel it’s necessary - you need to focus on your dad right now and put phone her WhatsApp on mute .

I say this kindly but are you both 10?

If she's detracting from or adding nothing to your life then mute her for a while

There's no need for guilt. It's your life. Make your choices

If you don't want 'the chat', don't have it

If she keeps pestering, block her

You have to advocate for yourself. She has to advocate for herself

She chose to get IVF, you didn't chose for your dad to have Alzheimer's, she sounds incredibly selfish and thoughtless.

You've posted about her before haven't you? Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but I think you mentioned not having children of your own, and making your peace with it not happening in future?

If you don't have DC and she's demanding you cheerlead her through IVF then she's a stone cold bitch. Even if it isn't a sensitive subject, it wouldn't take a great leap of imagination to think it might be and to understand you stepping back on this topic.

Don't pull any punches if she does try to have a conversation with you.

I think you may have posted about this a few weeks ago and then had the thread removed, and it sounds like it’s moved on since then from what I can remember.

You can take control of this, and you don’t have to be available or wholly supportive of how she’s dealing with her situation. Focus on yourself, and if you’re uncomfortable with the WhatsApp group or with speaking with her, then don’t interact. Anyone who insists that you have to wave pom-poms publicly or in a group situation when it’s regarding fertility and pregnancy is going to lose friends who can’t cope with that. I bet you’re not the only one in the group thinking that it’s not okay. She’s showing you no sensitivity so why should you?

WOW ...... you have been banished until it suits her. I would banish yourself from her life!!

Qbish is giving great advice OP. You really mustn't feel guilty - think of it this way, you're only feeling guilty because you're actually a very good friend in normal circumstances. She is using this to manipulate you.

I just googled "how not to feel bad when being emotionally manipulated" and there's loads of good info out there. If you have the time, and want to, I suggest reading/watching as much as possible so that when the chat comes you are fully prepared.

@Rainbowshine @JenniferBarkley Yes, I have posted about this before - had a panic and removed thread in case she saw it, which I know sounds a bit pathetic! It's just a bit heartbreaking because I don't have family of my own, she used to be a really good friend, and she's turned into a self-absorbed nightmare, so it's hard to let go - even though, for now, I know that's what's needed. I did leave the group, and told her I still fully supported her but was finding it overwhelming. She said she was sad I wouldn't then be on her journey because it's 'tough as fuck'. Anyway, thanks for wise words.

@Strugglingtodomybest that's really helpful, thank you. I just want 'the chat' over now but have to wait until she's done with this round. I also want to not think about it or care anymore and I guess that's a process. We have a lot of history and I'm quite shocked by how self-absorbed she's become in the past few years.

If I were you, I think I’d message her and say something like this:

Dear Friend,

Whilst I do support you in your IVF journey, I think you have forgotten all that I have going on right now. Watching my father being stolen from me one day at a time by Alzheimer’s is absolutely heartbreaking, and is taking all my emotional energy and headspace at the moment. I’m not just a bit part actor in your life - I am a real human being, with needs and stresses of my own, so it is not a moral failing on my part that I cannot be part of your cheer squad and dedicate all my energy to you.

I am not sure that a chat with you, after you have ‘forensically examined’ our friendship, is going to achieve anything, as I am not willing to be made out to be the villain here.

I wish you well.

@S2P78.

It sounds very one sided.

Some people have a time in our lives and then they go, you haven't done anything wrong.

There is nothing wrong with knowing you don't have the bandwidth to give people what they want, especially when that support is unlikely to be reciprocated.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thank you. I may use some of that and def like the line 'I can't be part of your cheer squad' - as that really resonates. She said the whatsapp group was just for important updates, which I think I'd sort of understand, but it's not - it's also to pile on the praise. It's v clear it's about being an audience to big her up too.

I’d keep any message about you. My suggestion:

Whilst I do support you in your IVF journey, my attention and energy needs to be focused on my dad. Alzheimer’s is also tough and it is taking up all my time and energy and have little capacity for the WhatsApp group and others are contributing to it. I just choose to deal with my emotions privately. Please respect that we are handling our own challenges right now and that we will be dealing with them in different ways. I wish you well with everything.

I'd just keep telling her you wish her all the best on 'her' journey, but IVF isn't 'your' journey, however your Dad is, and this is where your focus and energy will be for the foreseeable future.

If she starts harping in about IVF, grunt and nod and when she pauses for your response is rinse and repeat. 'I wish you all the best dear friend, but I don't have the time or energy for anything other than focusing on my df'

I'd be tempted to be passive aggressive and say that you know she of all people understands, and that's why you haven't given her a hard time about not supporting you re your dad - because you know she doesn't have the bandwidth.

You should probably be classier than that though!

Some great advice on here.

You just need to have the courage to go through with it

I would send her this message

‘I have always and will continue to support your IVF journey but for now I need to take a step back and take care of my lovely Das with Alzheimer’s and other issues we are dealing with right now. I wish you all the luck in the world - take care’

And put a stop to this nonsense. It’s pure attention seeking. Next it will be the support group for her being with a newborn alone or accepting childlessness.

Enormous step back. It will be a relief trust me.

@Translucentwaters that's pretty much exactly what I sent her! And she left a 10 minute voicenote saying it was sad I couldn't show her respect that this was her choice to seek support via the whatsapp group, and that this was the best way of supporting her. So I've done the big step back - and it is a huge relief, but was given a proper guilt trip for it. No acknowlegement of my dad or any of that - just that she'll call me after this IVF round is done. I am a bit gobsmacked by the guilt trip, as my message was respectful, and kind, but so be it.

You have partially closed the door already.

Expect to hear from you when she realises you have had enough with some big drama. It’s all about her isn’t it.

I would probably reply that it’s s shame she can’t see the pressure you are under, and that’s probably part of the problem atm. Wish her well and leave it. Or even block her for a bit. ‘The friendship’ sounds totally one sided.

*her

I would no way take the phone call and have to listen to her berate you. Just ignore,

Wtf is a glory song?

@Translucentwaters Yes I am going to try and avoid the call.

@canpinkydance it's a different song for each IVF injection and I guess her calling it a 'glory song' (no idea) is her way of praising herself for it or something. I don't know, but it is all quite bonkers.

I'm trying to think kindly that she's just not in a good place at the moment, but I feel deeply uncomfortable about the way this friendship makes me feel and how she is these days - so self-interested, it's a bit frightening. I've never known anyone be so self-absorbed, and she was a good friend. It's a balance of trying to step back without being unkind, I think.