Distancing myself from long term friend - but feeling bad

[S2P78]

Hello,
In summary, a long-term friendship (24 years) has become very difficult, and made me feel rubbish, and I don't want to engage with her at the moment. I'm seeking thoughts on how to manage this, as she's told me she feels 'shut down'.
Over the past three years, she's cancelled on me numerous times, become incredibly self-absorbed, and the final nail was her setting up a whatsapp support group as she's going through IVF on her own to try and have a baby (we're both in our 40s). She started sending daily injection updates on this (along with requests for 'glory songs' to go with each one), and there are 20 of us on the group. I went along with this for the first round, then start of the second, but then it felt too much. I've got a lot of my own stuff going on (relationship problems and dad with alzheimer's, etc). I've sent her supportive messages, a book and card as it is for this IVF round, and I had loads of conversations with her last year about the IVF and chose the sperm donar with her on a long zoon call. In the end, I sent her a message saying I wish her all the luck in the world, fully support her, but can't be on the whatsapp group anymore. This was after avoiding speaking to her this year because at Christmas she said she needed to 'forensically' examine the friendship, which left me cold. I feel a bit bullied and that it's so all about her and she can't see past herself, or understand how I feel in all this.
She told me that by taking myself off the whatsapp group I'm not on her IVF journey, and she's sad I can't respect that the 'songs/banter' are her way of needing support during what's a really tough experience. She basically laid on the guilt trip...saying I had basically shut her down and now wasn't supporting the way that she need.
I'm finding the friendship and her impossible, and now she says she'll call me after this round, which I'm pretty sure is going to involve her telling me how I've hurt her feelings. I can't see the conversation going well, but by not talking to her she's making me feel bad. How can I handle this please?

@summerpuppy She said she set up the whatsapp group to provide people with IVF updates as it's 'exhausting' having to contact people separately and update people that way. I get that, but in fact it's not updating with important updates, it's daily injection updates and a lot of 'glory songs' (which I don't get at all) and seemingly wanting praise at every step. If it was just the odd important update I'd have stayed on it as it wouldn't have felt overwhelming.

Just how big is her ego that she thinks anyone other than her partner and their respective parents would be interested in whether she conceived or not and would want updates about her having ivf?

What an absolute load of self important bollocks and drama.

I o own what a glory hole os but I've never heard of a glory song.

It sounds equally horrible.

I had to end a 15 year friendship during covid too, it was sad, I totally feel you. sometimes people change.

It took me a long time to finally see how unreasonable my friend was, becasue when I moved city as a teenager, she was one of my new schoolmates who took me in and supported me, so I was biased when h warned me that she was bad news. I woke up and ended things when she commited a crime by impersonating a stranger who she was kind of jealous of to get back at her ex. she asked for my support on this, I straight out said no it's a crime, she was pissed off, I ended things right there. it was an ugly breakup, we blocked each other on everything. I was scared of her afterwards so also made all my social media private and deleted my linkedin.

so yours isn't the worse, things happen, and it's not your fault.

I do know what a glory hole is but I've never heard of a glory song.

It sounds equally horrible.

@Jongleterre she's having IVF alone (no partner) and donar sperm, hence the need for her 20-strong 'egg support group' (her words).

Did the eggs ask for a support group or is she already helicoptering?

She has been manipulating you. Everything has to be on her terms.

Now it is time for your life to be on your terms.

If you don't want to meet up, don't. You don't owe her anything, you don't owe her explanations about your grandfather, or whatever. Just say (in your best Mumsnet voice) "Sorry, that doesn't work for me." And she'll hopefully bin you, and the job is done!

@Qbish thanks - yes, you're right about her terms. I feel that v strongly. I can make excuses not to meet up, but when it comes to her wanting a phone chat, I can say I'm busy, but she doesn't stop trying, and now says she' try me after this IVF round. She may not (which would be best) but she's v likely to keep pushing for 'the chat'. So what do you do then?

Sorry but regardless of what she's going thru it's her life and people shouldn't feel coerced into having to live thru it also. I wouldn't want to stay close to this lady tbh

I’ve just had to bin off a totally self absorbed person that I found myself stuck with for years. Long story. Circumstances changed and I seized the chance to break free. I was the last man standing in a long list of people who’d had enough of being drained by propping her up but were never asked about themselves. No regrets.

Mute her in life, she's sounds self obsessed pain in the arse. Let it go and get on with your life, don't be available for someone who is one way traffic, no matter the issue.

And then the trials and tribulations of parenting a baby alone.

I know “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot on MN, but she sounds like a narc and this WhatsApp group is going to be her narc supply for the foreseeable.

This is what gets me about people.

She has made the decision to do this, this is her journey and yes of course people will ask questions and support but ultimately this is her decision and it is so annoying when people want you be as invested as they are.

Everyone has their own lives and problems etc. She cannot expect everyone to be at her beck and call and if she does then i would swerve that completly. She sounds like hard work OP.

I bet you if she does conceive and have the baby you will hear about what a struggle it is to be a single mum ....

You've explained how you felt to her, and she's still pushing for a phone call.

Just don't answer it. Mute her contact.

And if she incessantly calls or leaves horrible messages, then you block her!

Breathe a sigh of relief and walk away.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Just start ignoring her and if it gets to the point where you have to say something just let her know that the friendship no longer works for you.

She sounds absolutely insufferable. She isn't owed your friendship, it should be a mutually beneficial relationship and it clearly isn't so leave it.

Yes, as other PPs have said, if you think that she's going to be this needy and selfish only through IVF, you've got a big surprise coming if she gets pregnant! Nine months of that, and then years of parenting...

Honestly, I would have the "chat". She'll keep nagging you otherwise, and even blocking people doesn't always work. And in the chat, you say very clearly, that you are not able to support her in the way that she needs. And you wish her well with everything. And will maybe see her around.

If she wants to have a chat - remember, you're in the chat as well.

Ignore her. Or set up an WhatsApp to support you, with just her in it and post your stuff (obvs don’t, but you could imagine it) And if she really pushes you tell her YOU’VE forensically examined the friendship and it isn’t working FOR YOU.

And actually I would get the "chat" over with ASAP. Then the situation isn't hanging over you, stressing you.

So I disagree about blocking her on everything, before the chat. Maybe afterwards. And then you (and she) have closure. It only needs to take five minutes.

@Penny5534 I think that, then she sends really nice Christmas presents and cards and I feel guilty and that I can't just not reply to her. I would hate to be ghosted myself, and she's a very old friend, so it's really hard - but I do agree that she's insufferable at the moment (she def didn't used to be - I think being on her own for ages, running own company, solo iVF etc has made her super self-absorbed).

Or tell her that you’d love to have a chat, appreciate that she’s noticed you’re having a tough time and you will let her know what she can do to help.

Just have the chat. Pull the tooth. Rip the plaster off. Bin your "friend".

@Qbish yes, I thought that - but am so dreading the chat. I know if I don't let her have her say though she'll just go on. She won't entertain a chat until she's finished this round of IVF though so could be a while. She's basically told me that now i'm not on her journey/the whatsapp group I can't call her now.

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