Distancing myself from long term friend - but feeling bad

[S2P78]

Hello,
In summary, a long-term friendship (24 years) has become very difficult, and made me feel rubbish, and I don't want to engage with her at the moment. I'm seeking thoughts on how to manage this, as she's told me she feels 'shut down'.
Over the past three years, she's cancelled on me numerous times, become incredibly self-absorbed, and the final nail was her setting up a whatsapp support group as she's going through IVF on her own to try and have a baby (we're both in our 40s). She started sending daily injection updates on this (along with requests for 'glory songs' to go with each one), and there are 20 of us on the group. I went along with this for the first round, then start of the second, but then it felt too much. I've got a lot of my own stuff going on (relationship problems and dad with alzheimer's, etc). I've sent her supportive messages, a book and card as it is for this IVF round, and I had loads of conversations with her last year about the IVF and chose the sperm donar with her on a long zoon call. In the end, I sent her a message saying I wish her all the luck in the world, fully support her, but can't be on the whatsapp group anymore. This was after avoiding speaking to her this year because at Christmas she said she needed to 'forensically' examine the friendship, which left me cold. I feel a bit bullied and that it's so all about her and she can't see past herself, or understand how I feel in all this.
She told me that by taking myself off the whatsapp group I'm not on her IVF journey, and she's sad I can't respect that the 'songs/banter' are her way of needing support during what's a really tough experience. She basically laid on the guilt trip...saying I had basically shut her down and now wasn't supporting the way that she need.
I'm finding the friendship and her impossible, and now she says she'll call me after this round, which I'm pretty sure is going to involve her telling me how I've hurt her feelings. I can't see the conversation going well, but by not talking to her she's making me feel bad. How can I handle this please?

You just tell her the truth,

Hi Sandra,

I fully support your IV journal and sincerely hope it is successful and you have your much longed for child. Earlier, we had a conversation where you questioned my engagement with various xxx activities, and to be honest, I’m having my own relationship problems and coping with my dad who has Alzheimer’s, so I just don’t have the mental resources to be your emotional cheerleader as I’m in desperate need of support myself. So, for now, I need to step back from our friendship to protect my own mental health and give you the space and time to engage with those who are best able to give you the positivity and hand holding you need right now.

Seriously op, you need to just decide not to feel bad. Recognise that yoru feelings are entirely justified and she is entirely selfish. If you do get embroiled in the call, get in there first and say you felt as though teh friendship was all about her IVF journey but in return she showed scant regard for the challenges you faced with family dementia and other issues that are every bit as valid ot you as the iVF is to her. Talk for as long as possible about yourself and ask her if she knows X about you or Y about you. Put her on the spot about how little interest she has shown in your own difficulties.

Over the years, I've ghosted two friends and gone very low communication with another, and on all three occasions it was because the friendship was based on me being the devoted handmaiden to whatever drama they had going on. It's jeffing boring. You have no need to feel bad.

Maybe just tell her you are dealing with some stuff too and you need to focus on you for a bit.

Leave the group - it's ok to not be interested in her ivf journey.

Gently step away (you don't need to say or do anything) and breathe

It's a balance of trying to step back without being unkind, I think.

You have not been unkind, just honest. She is the one who is being unkind to you. A 10-minutre voicenote telling you off? Just mute her for now.

Maybe part of your feelings is a sort of grief for the friendship you had, which has now gone.

She's not a friend, just block her and move on, don't feel guilty 🤷‍♀️

@MrsSquirrel spot on the grief for the friendship past, that's given me food for thought, thank you. I need to process that and move on.

She sounds awful OP. Seriously, read the first paragraph of @SoWhatEh 's post over and over and over again and take this approach.

She's been a terrible friend to you.

I wouldn't dance around it - she is being a shitty friend. Yes she's going through IVF which is a challenge on the best of days, but that does not give her carte blanche to treat you as her exclusive emotional support human.

I'd send a text: I don't have the time or the energy to be 'forensically examined' and being honest, I'm quite upset that you feel that's an appropriate response to me asking you for some time and understanding because of Dad's situation. You don't seem to be able to recognise that you aren't the only person going through tough times at the moment. I wish you the best of luck on your IVF journey.

Then block her.

Don't take it on, it's not your responsibility. I had friend a bit like that. We're no longer friends, and that's because I took "the call".

Perfect response

I feel your pain with this. I've also got an old friend who has become a completely different person. Very selfish, very self obsessed. You have a conversation with her and it isn't a conversation because it's just her repeating herself. She doesn't listen to a word I say unless it's by text so my words are in black and white. Even then, she often ignores what I've said even when it's big news. She asks for favours that aren't reasonable, like asking me to drive her miles out of my way when I have a chronic pain condition and she can easily afford an Uber. She makes jokes that are under the guise of banter, but are actually just hurtful personal comments. She drinks too much and gets loud and boorish. She's ruined holidays. She physically shoved me out of her way at one point so she could have her own way with something.

I feel sorry for her because she has a lot going on, her boyfriend is almost certainly cheating on her and she's been depressed for a while. I know she's very unhappy. And we've been friends for many, many years. This behaviour is totally out of character for her.

I honestly don't know what to do. It's stressful. She used to be such a good friend...

Oh Op, I can feel your sadness - can’t add much to what pp have said in terms of advice, but just in case you were doubting, her WhatsApp group is absolutely insane.

As someone who has done multiple cycles of ivf, the idea of:
a) setting up a WhatsApp group for ivf updates
b) guilt tripping friends into joining it
c) choosing ‘glory songs’ for each injection
d) guilt tripping friends who leave said group

Makes my very soul want to leave my body. Obviously everyone copes with things differently; If she wants daily support then fine, join one of the many excellent online support forums (eg mumsnet). You just cant demand that level of support and cheerleading from everyone in your life, it’s not fair.

@MindatWork Thank you - that really helped actually. Particularly from someone who's been through multiple rounds of IVF. I've really doubted myself as she's laid it on thick how 'tough as fuck' and 'fucking horrific' this journey is (after I left the group) to make me feel guilty, I guess. I'm trying to be kind in thinking that this is her (unique) way of dealing with it, and maybe she's not mentally stable about it all and really struggling, which I understand. It's just the self-obsession of it that I can't get my head around. Now her saying she will call me once this round is done (and not before) is her way of pushing me out of 'her IVF journey' - but in all honesty, I'm relieved as I never asked to go on it...if she'd been a great friend in recent years I'd probably have stayed on it, but she hasn't. I think she think she has - but it's always on her terms and timeframe.

Rant over. feel better now. Thanks mumsnetters :)

@MindatWork I'm also thinking the hormones may be affecting her badly, so trying to cut her some slack, but not enough to stay on the group/be made to feel like a rubbish friend when I know I'm not.

You’ve been incredibly supportive, please don’t let her make you believe otherwise. She cancelled on you a few times, that’d be enough for me to distance myself from a friend. And if they told me they were going to be ‘forensically examining’ (cringe a la cringe!) the friendship, I’d be out of there!

I appreciate that it’s a tough time for her but it sounds as though she’s become hooked on the attention that she’s getting from her WhatsApp audience and it’s gone to her head.

She sounds unhinged and self absorbed. Bin her

Bottom line is that this "friendship" has been one way and on her terms for years.

The IVF journey is just more of the same.

Sometimes shared history can hold people back from being honest about the relationship.

All you have is shared history.

She is not your friend.

Accept that and step away.

Your message was good, but her response was all about her, as usual.

The truth is, she is not that interested in you, she is interested in the role she has assigned you in HER life.

This won't change and will likely get a lot worse if she has a baby.

Step away and focus on your life and people who actually care about you and your story.

She really doesn't.

Honestly if the thought of the phone call is causing you dread, don't have it. You don't have to. You shouldn't feel that way with a friend and you've already made the decision to step back.

OP you’re doing the right thing by stepping back. You do realise that if the IVF works, then it’s just going to get worse? You’ll have the pregnancy updates, then the baby updates….it will be relentless.
I know it’s hard to step away from friendship. I’ve had to do it to my once best friend. I’ve another friend now, who has become so selfish, and self absorbed. Even her husband can’t bear the way she is these days. I told her recently that if we met now we wouldn’t be friends….we’re only friends because we know each other so long.

@magicstar1 Thank you - that's a helpful message. It's really tough isn't it, realising people can change and you simply don't get on anymore. I've known her since I was 20 - but I just don't like her at the moment. Maybe things will change again, but at the moment this friendship is v unhealthy for me. I'm still sad about it though.

@Meeting thanks - I don't want to have the phone call. When she suggests a chat (as she will, in time - once she's finished the IVF round) I am going to send a message saying I don't think it's a good idea, and why things should be left for now. I'll make it nice - she won't take it well (she'll say I'm 'shutting her down' and being horrid again) but it feels the right thing to do for my mental health. I just can't deal with her at the moment.

I think avoiding her is a good strategy for the next while. You have been friends for a long time and that means periods of being less/more close and periods when people behave in ways that are less/more likeable. So I wouldn't burn any bridges with this one for now as it may be in a while she returns to being the friend you have had. If she continues in this way for a long time, you can assess if you want to stay friends later.

Yes, exactly, have the chat, but explain very clearly what your end of the friendship currently feels like from your POV. Be clear about what you need from her and say you don't have the bandwidth to support her as she wishes at the moment, so you're stepping back. There need to be two people in this 'chat', though -- you're not a restaurant being reviewed!

You feel bullied by her which is so unhealthy.

She is not entitled to any phone call with you.

Her long berating WhatsApp has been quite enough.

Absolutely avoid her and her phone calls.

When she asks for a call, say No, you are busy and do not have the time and wish her well, but you are busy.

No one is entitled to your time to give out to you.

Old friendships can be precious but this one has not been for years.

Step away and feel no guilt.

She left you a 10 minute voice note??! Please don’t say you listened to it all?

This is a person permanently stuck on “transmit”. She isn’t listening to a word you say. You’ve told her that your own issues with your Dad mean you don’t have space to give any more of yourself and she still left you a monologue of a message, and is also dictating when you might be allowed to actually speak yourself.

Sod that. I would own her phrase - say “yes, I am shutting you down. I have no capacity to meet your requirements in the same way you seem to have no capacity to understand my circumstances. We are both going through a difficult time and clearly need to navigate our lives separately for now. I hope we can reconnect in the future when both our paths are smoother.”

in fact, why not leave her a voice note to that effect and then block or mute her. Don’t dance attendance on her timescales!