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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think this is too much of an age gap for me

152 replies

Sh179 · 10/07/2023 21:14

I've known this man through friends for many years, but he asked me out a while ago. Initially I was unsure because I've always been happy when single and after last breakup I decided to remain so. We've had two dates. He's known my age for a while but never told me his and was a bit reluctant when I asked. So I'm 47 and he's almost 65. I was a bit shocked as I thought maybe 61 at most. To be honest, I don't think I want to be with someone that much older than me. Is this understandable?

OP posts:
OnenightinBangkok · 16/07/2023 15:44

PaintedEgg · 14/07/2023 09:27

I find men who target so much younger women to be inherently creepy.

It's one thing when two adults meet and hit it on regardless of age difference. I've mentioned before I'm much younger than my husband, but we've met organically and knew each other in some capacity before we started dating - and neither was actually aware of the other's exact age.

I think there is something off with middle aged men who lurk at the bars and specifically go for women in their early 20s, just as there is clearly something off with a man who is pushing 70 trying to date a middle aged woman and concealing his age.

Even if he'd hide his ID, his age would show in other ways.

I find such men creepy too but it hardly applies when we're talking about a woman who is close to 50!

But as others have pointed out, the real 'danger' is the OP becoming a carer for an older partner.
Whatever, she doesn't owe him a relationship!

I admit that there IS a significant age gap, however, any suggestions that a man in his sixties who fancies a woman approaching 50 is creepy is downright ludicrous imo.

OnenightinBangkok · 16/07/2023 15:53

My husband is ten years my senior. I met him aged 30, he 40.
There is a similar age gap between the couple up the road but they MET when she was 16 and he 26.

It's the same age gap but I was a grown adult when I met my dh so not creepy but I DO find the fact that she was 16 and he 26 creepy.

It's not about age, it's about stage of life.
As we get older, the gaps become less significant in terms of power imbalance, creepiness etc.

Thus a 50 year old woman with a 70 year old man is not creepy but a 16 year old girl with a 36 year old man very much is.

Tangerinedreams3 · 16/07/2023 15:55

I agree. Creepy is the wrong word. Unwise is better.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/07/2023 16:04

I find such men creepy too but it hardly applies when we're talking about a woman who is close to 50!

No, it is still creepy.

It's creepy to go for people young enough to be your child.

PaintedEgg · 16/07/2023 16:40

@OnenightinBangkok The whole scenario is creepy. If they met and just fancied each other that's one thing. But from what we know about this guy he made an effort to hide his age and would not consider dating woman the same age as him or slightly older. This implies he specifically targets younger women, making their age one of the deciding factors for him. No matter how you spin it - it is creepy

Sh179 · 16/07/2023 16:56

I'm going to be speaking to him tomorrow night. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm going to be honest and tell him his age is an issue for me, it's more than I'm comfortable with. He knew by my reaction I was shocked when we last spoke - I managed to drag it out of him at the end of the conversation, so I've had time to think since.

OP posts:
Sh179 · 17/07/2023 18:12

So I rang him today. I was honest and said the age gap of 18 years was an issue for me, that I wasn't comfortable with it. I get emotional letting people down/disappointing people, could feel myself getting emotional - which is probably silly in this situation - but held it together. It's because although we've only had 2 dates, I met him through friends and so have known him for many years. He said he'd enjoyed it, was happy with how things are going but admitted he thought it might be an issue/a mismatch.

OP posts:
Sh179 · 17/07/2023 18:15

He also repeated that he should have got married years ago, which he'd said to me before!

OP posts:
80s · 17/07/2023 18:18

Well done OP. I hope he felt as bad about disappointing you by his secretiveness. Can't see how you did anything hurtful to him here.

Mimilamore · 17/07/2023 18:46

If you get on well and can discuss any issues I would say go for it. Better to have a few good years ( and it could be many) with somebody you really care about and cares about you than miss this opportunity. Mumsnet can come over so mercenary sometimes... our chap might be running marathons in his 79s/80s impossible to generalise.
However any doubts about anything other than age gap proceed with caution x

Sh179 · 18/07/2023 01:27

I'm happy with my decision. As well as the age issue for me, I mentioned previously that he talked about himself a lot, didn't really ask me anything about me and went quiet when I did speak about myself.

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 18/07/2023 01:42

Sh179 · 17/07/2023 18:15

He also repeated that he should have got married years ago, which he'd said to me before!

He is 100% looking for A Wife. Someone to tend to him in his autumnal years.

He might not have even fully articulated this in his own head, but it’s what he’s doing.

It probably doesn’t matter too much who The Wife is, as long as he’s attracted to her, and she’s fit and able.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person, and I don’t even blame him for wanting A Wife. I just personally wouldn’t be signing up for the job.

Good on you for putting yourself first. There will be other men.

Sh179 · 19/07/2023 08:49

CrazyArmadilloLady · 18/07/2023 01:42

He is 100% looking for A Wife. Someone to tend to him in his autumnal years.

He might not have even fully articulated this in his own head, but it’s what he’s doing.

It probably doesn’t matter too much who The Wife is, as long as he’s attracted to her, and she’s fit and able.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person, and I don’t even blame him for wanting A Wife. I just personally wouldn’t be signing up for the job.

Good on you for putting yourself first. There will be other men.

This made me laugh because, although I think he liked me, this is also true as he mentioned that he should have got married years ago, a few times.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/07/2023 12:17

Completely agree with @CrazyArmadilloLady.

He's not subtle about it.

Men as they age, love to be looked after, and are very focused on their comfort.

They make no bones about it and can be quietly and not so quietly demanding about their meals and timings.

Over the past decade some friends of mine have lost their mothers who pandered throughout their marriages to men like this.

Not bad men, but definitely selfish and presumptuous men who presumed their comfort trumped everyone else's.

They have had quite the shock as none of these friends have accepted nor facilitated their fathers presumption that they would step into their late mothers shoes.

They all admitted that they visited home largely to see their mothers and now that they have past, the draw was hugely diminished.

They were all firm with their boundaries and never entertained the grumblings that inevitably came with the shocknof their new reality.

They had careers and their own familys so home help and delivered meals became the norm and they learned to make their own tea and toast 🙄 in their 70's!

Its sad but it is not unusual.

Thankfully, my children so love my independent husband, I could imagine them being wonderful if I went first.

BCBird · 25/12/2023 05:47

I would say he is too old.

Sausager · 25/12/2023 06:00

BCBird · 25/12/2023 05:47

I would say he is too old.

So did OP @Sh179 back in July! 😁

SantasFavouriteElf · 26/12/2023 02:05

Too big an age gap. My stbx was ten years older and I realised, over the years, it was too big. We were at completely different life stages and I ended up living in a sexless marriage as, bluntly, I wasn't attracted to him.

I've been with men my own age now (which I hadn't before I was married) and what a difference! I'd definitely not go for an age gap more than 3 years.

It's not just the different life stages, attraction...but also to fact he will retire a lot earlier than you and you'll end up being a carer when probably still working. Lots to consider.

RowanMayfair · 26/12/2023 03:08

SantasFavouriteElf · 26/12/2023 02:05

Too big an age gap. My stbx was ten years older and I realised, over the years, it was too big. We were at completely different life stages and I ended up living in a sexless marriage as, bluntly, I wasn't attracted to him.

I've been with men my own age now (which I hadn't before I was married) and what a difference! I'd definitely not go for an age gap more than 3 years.

It's not just the different life stages, attraction...but also to fact he will retire a lot earlier than you and you'll end up being a carer when probably still working. Lots to consider.

She broke up with him in July...

aurynne · 26/12/2023 09:11

Tangerinedreams3 · 16/07/2023 15:55

I agree. Creepy is the wrong word. Unwise is better.

I prefer "ridiculous".

Daffodilwoman · 26/12/2023 09:16

There’s a reason he didn’t want to tell you his age. It wouldn’t be for me. Tell him he needs to be fishing on a pjs full of pensioners. Why isn’t he chatting up women 20 years his senior if age is just a number?
You are in the prime of your life, he isn’t. Don’t get lumbered with being a nurse maid to an old man.

Daffodilwoman · 26/12/2023 09:16

Pjs=pond

Catsknowbest · 26/12/2023 09:23

I'm 48 and my fiance is nearly 61. He's the best man I've ever known. Just wish I'd met him sooner as I do get sad that we won't have as long a marriage as some but I wouldn't change my choice

Ladolcevita233 · 26/12/2023 09:56

And all the people who bang on about 'age doesn't matter' blah blah, fail to acknowledge that it is almost always older men with younger women, not the other way around. No way would most of these men date 15 years older than themselves...

Exactly.

Men are always taking advantage of women being too nice, and people pleasers like op says she is; to go after significantly younger women ... When they'd never consider older women.

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 12:03

Yep, someone on OLD was furious that I was the same age as him because in my profile I said I was younger but all my pictures were taken in the last 6 months!... something to do with not being able to keep up with him...twat

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:33

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 12:03

Yep, someone on OLD was furious that I was the same age as him because in my profile I said I was younger but all my pictures were taken in the last 6 months!... something to do with not being able to keep up with him...twat

🤢🤢