I think this is too much of an age gap for me

[Sh179]

I've known this man through friends for many years, but he asked me out a while ago. Initially I was unsure because I've always been happy when single and after last breakup I decided to remain so. We've had two dates. He's known my age for a while but never told me his and was a bit reluctant when I asked. So I'm 47 and he's almost 65. I was a bit shocked as I thought maybe 61 at most. To be honest, I don't think I want to be with someone that much older than me. Is this understandable?

This. If things proceed you will have a few years as a wife and many many years as a carer . If you were the same age difference but both younger you would have some years to have fun. He is already at the young-old stage.A good friend of mine is 58. Her husband is 68. They married when she was 24 so have had many years together. She has really noticed his age recently. He is heading towards old man stuff. She wants to be doing things.

My husband does the Age UK phone a lonely person volunteering thing. The people he calls are usually 70 plus and always men. He has yet to meet one who is even remotely interested in hearing any of his news. He doesn't mind. Your situation is different Op but the old man is just the same.

There's 25 years between my sister and her husband. She is 53. They are great together. He has a very quick dry humour and they bring out the best in each other. He is very active and plays golf 3 x a week. Sister is still working in a job she adores and doesn't want to retire even though she could as they are financially well off.
They spend there weekends hiking in the lakes, socialising with friends, going to the theatre and generally having a great time.
My point to all this is that it's not necessarily all doom and gloom just because of an age gap. There was a similar gap between nan and grandad.
If your not feeling it that's fine. You don't Mn to tell you what to do. You have your own brain to do that surely.

men of my age seem to have aged worse than me. Haven't looked after themselves - teeth etc. No style.
Their conversation is limited to what they want to talk about - their gym sessions, pension, grandchildren - showing endless photos on their phone to demonstrate how adept they are at using it. They have no listening skills. It's as though they never learned how to do it.
They also mostly lack ability to do domestic chores apart from barbecuing.
And they wear ridiculous coloured trainers.
As you said that's based on your experience Nurturey not necessary typical of every 65 year plus male!

I think the difference is the age that you meet though, I am making an assumption here but I suspect your sister and her husband met younger and created this fun healthy life style together.

Yes, I might think differently if we'd met years ago, but I am just feeling uneasy about it

They say age is just a number , and that is true , but we all have an ick factor to what is our own personal preference.
You know this person whilst a decent bloke , isn't in you range of who you are comfortable dating , so tell him you don't want to lose the friendship but you don't want to date.

Yeah too old for me.

OP if he complains about you being ageist or something, ask him if he would be ok with dating an 81 year old woman - and if not, why not?

I highly doubt there are many 65 year old women trying it on with 47 year old men.

My 52 year old friend was 'hit on' by a 26 year old. She's 56 now and they're still together. They don't live together but they're still in a very happy relationship. I think they both recognise that they won't ever live together and that ultimately he may choose to settle down with someone else but it's currently still working well for them.

My first husband was nine years older than me, when I see him now it really shows.

With the best will in the world when you're 65 the gap will feel massive.

and that's enough to call it quits

personally I dont mind large age gaps, but i dont think there is a point in putting effort into something that immediately gave you an ick

and dont worry about upsetting him - he had no issue leading you on by trying to conceal his age

I don't think I want to be with someone that much older than me.
End of thread!

I'd just say "no spark, sorry". The fact that the spark went out when you heard his age does not need to be mentioned. I wouldn't make things up about not wanting a relationship. He'd surely be pissed off that you went on 2 dates knowing in advance that you didn't want a relationship. Makes it sound like you were leading him on.

@Sh179 Does this man have children? If he does, you may be closer in age to them than you are to him!

It’s a huge age gap. I just knew you’d get loads of replies saying I know someone who is very happy with a 20 year age difference in their relationship. The point is that YOU don’t want this to go any further and that’s all that matters. Tell him that don’t want to date him. If he asks why you can say that you’re happier being single (which is true because it’s better to be single than to be with someone so much older who tried to hide his age from you!).

I'm 49 and my boyfriend is 62.
I love our age gap and we have plenty in common despite this. We have a great sex life and can't keep our hands off each other.
Although, I find older men much more attractive so I may be a bit biased.
Personally , I couldn't date a younger man but it's horses for courses isn't it.

I think this age gap can work well while you're both younger. Now you're most probably at different life stages. If you want to date him, go ahead, but I would not move in quickly, take it slowly and see what develops.

But equally you can have 'old' 45 year olds and young at heart 65 year olds it's so individual.

Not for me I'm. Sorry

I'm dating someone 13 years older than me (I'm 51, he'll be 64 this year). It works because I should be in a position to retire relatively early and he intends to retire late so we won't be too far apart on that, he's still very much in energetic business building mode, launching his 4th company this year, we're well matched in interests and he's interested in my life, he's very physically fit and young for his age (no ED!) - he doesn't seem 64, he seems much closer to my age. But a lot of men become old very early - if he was like a lot of 64 year olds, I wouldn't go near him. So I think it depends on the individual, and on how well matched you are.

He's not a nice guy.
You're describing a narcissist.

A huge red flag of the overt narcissist is they ramble on about themselves and then when you try to get a word in, you feel they aren't particularly interested, they are just waiting on their turn to speak again. So you find yourself rushing what you have to say. Perhaps even, doubting it's importance or worrying you are boring them.

It's one of the first things you'll notice with dealing with some of that sort.
I mean the fact that he is 65 and actively pursuing a 47 year old is a dead givevaway too imo (not saying all huge age gaps suggest that. Sometimes the younger person pursues for example, and the older person is pleasantly surprised and just goes with it).

That and you knowing he has told his family about you. And his talk of marriage...it's to force intimacy. To make you feel obligated to keep seeing him.

It's not nice behaviour. It's creepy. He's a 65 year old man, he knows this is not how you conduct yourself when just having had a few dates. He's trying to guilt you into keeping seeing him.

Run!

Also highly likely he's knocked a few years off!

I don’t think it’s ageism. It’s just practicalities.

That said, the only 65 year old man I know is very fit, a never-smoker, a rarely-drinker, regular weight, lovely man. I’d date him in a second. His lovely overweight smoker friend? Nope.

No children. As I said previously, he's close in age to my mother - she's 71. He's single a long time.

Yes, practicalities. It might seem selfish, but I really don't want to start going out with a man who'll be 70 in five years time and all that might involve.

Women really don’t need to feel pressured into dating men old enough to be their fathers. We have our own sexuality and desires too you know?!

It would be a no for me, far too big of an age gap and I’d have no desire to end up being a much older man’s free career to be frank. On top of that, I really don’t like the fact that he doesn’t seem to have much interest in you as a person and was keen to withhold his age. For you know he might have even knocked a few years off the truth if he was that reluctant to tell you!