Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think this is too much of an age gap for me

152 replies

Sh179 · 10/07/2023 21:14

I've known this man through friends for many years, but he asked me out a while ago. Initially I was unsure because I've always been happy when single and after last breakup I decided to remain so. We've had two dates. He's known my age for a while but never told me his and was a bit reluctant when I asked. So I'm 47 and he's almost 65. I was a bit shocked as I thought maybe 61 at most. To be honest, I don't think I want to be with someone that much older than me. Is this understandable?

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 10/07/2023 22:18

I'm getting the impression he'd like a lot more than that and I really don't want to lead him on.

I don't see anything wrong with telling him that you're not interested in a relationship right now (as you said in an earlier post). If he really persists then just tell him that you're not comfortable with the age gap.

FWIW, I'm 62 and glad that my husband isn't 80. To each her own, but large age gaps aren't my thing.

Original poster
Sh179 · 10/07/2023 23:09

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 10/07/2023 22:18

I'm getting the impression he'd like a lot more than that and I really don't want to lead him on.

I don't see anything wrong with telling him that you're not interested in a relationship right now (as you said in an earlier post). If he really persists then just tell him that you're not comfortable with the age gap.

FWIW, I'm 62 and glad that my husband isn't 80. To each her own, but large age gaps aren't my thing.

Yes, that's what I think I'm going to say

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 23:12

Outside perspective does not matter - for some it would be fine, for others way too big of an age gap

You find it to be a problem then its all that matters

also red flag that he tried to sort of-kind of hide his age

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 10/07/2023 23:32

red flag that he tried to sort of-kind of hide his age

Agreed. And it indicates that on some level he isn't comfortable with the age gap.

Original poster
Sh179 · 10/07/2023 23:37

I really had to drag it out of him!

OP posts:
Tangerinedreams3 · 10/07/2023 23:38

Eeeww way too old I'm 47 and there's just no way. I'd go upto 55/56 but no more for me. That's an old man who is going to be 70 when you're early 50s!!

Original poster
Sh179 · 10/07/2023 23:41

Tangerinedreams3 · 10/07/2023 23:38

Eeeww way too old I'm 47 and there's just no way. I'd go upto 55/56 but no more for me. That's an old man who is going to be 70 when you're early 50s!!

My previous relationship was 10 years older but that was okay for me

OP posts:
LordSalem · 10/07/2023 23:41

At 32 I had a fantastic night with a 59 year old. Worlds apart but absolute electric chemistry. Bit different to entering into a relationship though.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 23:49

Sh179 · 10/07/2023 23:37

I really had to drag it out of him!

to me that's more worrisome then the age gap itself to be honest

as someone else said, it sounds like even he has problem with it and if both sides feel uncomfortable with the age gap the there is no sensible way forward in that relation

also its generally a red flag when people are willing to "lie by omission" to get close to someone. age is something you cannot hide forever...what others things he may be hiding? ones that are harder to check than his age

AdoraBell · 10/07/2023 23:53

Completely understandable if you are not comfortable with that age gap.

QueefQueen80s · 11/07/2023 00:00

Gross. Would you go for the same difference the other way around, so a 29 yr old?

Can you imagine being 65 and wanting to be with a man 47?

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/07/2023 00:10

He'll be retiring next year and you are in the prime of your life. What is he thinking that he will go out to work, and he will be at home all day? No way! Stick to your own age from now on and you'll have much more fun.

Original poster
Sh179 · 11/07/2023 01:36

He has retired since earlier this year

OP posts:
Ihadenough22 · 11/07/2023 03:25

Your 47 and he is almost 65. He is way to old to you. He knew as well that you were a lot younger than him. 18 years is to big a gap to get involved with someone one. Just think he was leaving school when you were a new born. I would only be getting involved with someone around your own age or say at most 4 or 5 years older than you.
You want to be with someone who is at the same life stage as you if you're interested in a relationship.
I currently work with a lady who is 63 and she is active. Her husband meanwhile is 73 and he does not want to go places or do things. In a few years she will get to retirement and I can see her become old before her time because of him.
Don't get involved with this man because he can't offer you the more equal relationship that someone of your own age can.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/07/2023 04:12

It wouldn’t work for me either.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 11/07/2023 04:14

People are so obsessed with age!
A friend’s husband was 10 years younger than her and they used to joke about it but the V expectation was obviously that he would eventually be her carer and outlive her. He recently died suddenly of a huge stroke aged 53 -she is utterly devastated /never would have v expected that.

SallyWD · 11/07/2023 06:56

My friend has exactly this age gap. She's 48 and he's 66. All I can say is that in the last year he's aged rapidly. He now has some health complaints and she's spent a lot of time looking after him. It's really no life for her.

Original poster
Sh179 · 11/07/2023 06:59

As I said, 10 years older was fine, I'd possibly even stretch to 13 but thinking about it, 18 is just too much. And my mother is only 71!

Also, another thing I haven't been sure about is, we've had a few phone conversations, even though only two dates, I ask how's things and he's always first to talk about himself and goes on for a good while. He doesn't really ask me any questions but I just start telling him what I've been doing, he goes a bit quiet so I don't carry on for too long!

He's also told a member of his family he's met someone, which after two dates I wouldn't mention to anyone until I'm sure myself.

He also told me he should have got married years ago.

He is a nice guy, respectful and gentlemanly, but I'm going to have to let him down gently.

OP posts:
RachelTopliss · 11/07/2023 07:08

I'm 48 and I had a few dates with a chap who turned out to be 65 next month. I didn't sleep with him and didn't really fancy him but he was interesting to talk to. But then he moaned a lot and talked about ailments and funerals and his grown up kids. He would have taken it to the next level but I wouldn't. I was always paying too because he's on a private pension and only gets three quarters because he retired early.

ChimChimeny · 11/07/2023 07:15

Even without the age gap the lack.of interest/back and forth on the phone calls would put me off

PermanentTemporary · 11/07/2023 07:22

Well, two good dates is great. Good point to stop...

Too much for me. I used to find 4 years a bit much of a gap sometimes.

Woman2023 · 11/07/2023 07:22

Sh179 · 10/07/2023 23:37

I really had to drag it out of him!

He's interested in what he wants, not your feelings. He's already shown this by not being open and honest with you.

Yet you "don't want to lead him on".

It's up to him to manage his own feelings, not your job.

People pleasing in every day situations is fine, but in relationships your responsibility is to only accept behaviour as good as you would give to someone else.

keepmovingon · 11/07/2023 07:27

Sh179 · 10/07/2023 21:43

I think this has helped me decide it's not for me. To be honest, I enjoyed the 2 dates, he's a really nice guy, a gentleman, but I still am unsure whether I want to get into another relationship- I think the single life suits me better. Is it best to be honest with him as to the reasons why I don't want to take it any further?

If you enjoy his company and dates can you just not continue with this. You don’t have to be in love, get married, live together and have children with this guy. Just enjoy each other and maintain your independence. Single life with company and intimacy if you fancy it.

Nurturey · 11/07/2023 07:30

I'm a similar age to this man and I wouldn't date him. Wrong to generalise but I'll do so anyway based on my experience.

Unless they have wealth, men of my age seem to have aged worse than me. Haven't looked after themselves - teeth etc. No style.

Their conversation is limited to what they want to talk about - their gym sessions, pension, grandchildren - showing endless photos on their phone to demonstrate how adept they are at using it. They have no listening skills. It's as though they never learned how to do it.

They also mostly lack ability to do domestic chores apart from barbecuing.

And they wear ridiculous coloured trainers.

You can do far better OP.

RachelTopliss · 11/07/2023 07:36

@Nurturey the man I went out with wore Adidas trainers in a denim blue and also Samba trainers. Always in jeans and a shirt.

Swipe left for the next trending thread