I think this is too much of an age gap for me

[Sh179]

I've known this man through friends for many years, but he asked me out a while ago. Initially I was unsure because I've always been happy when single and after last breakup I decided to remain so. We've had two dates. He's known my age for a while but never told me his and was a bit reluctant when I asked. So I'm 47 and he's almost 65. I was a bit shocked as I thought maybe 61 at most. To be honest, I don't think I want to be with someone that much older than me. Is this understandable?

I'm 47 and that's too big a gap for me.

I'd like to think I'm a young 47, DH is younger. 65 is retired and considerably in a different life stage.

Even a hugely physically fit 65 year old, would have a different mentality that I think would likely cause issues.

@Stratocumulus · Yesterday 21:27

“Young man’s darling, old man’s nurse.”

As PP has observed, you’re at different life stages & always will be.

This. ^ Couldn't pay me enough to be with an older man - 10 years older or more - especially when I am in my mid 50s myself, as this would make him late 60s/early 70s.

My DH - in his late 50s now, is a bit grumpy and moany some days, and he has one health problem after another some months, and he doesn't want to do much and has to be dragged out as he loves nothing more than just sitting down watching TV!. 😆Love him, but he's a lazy buggar some days. But I can be a moany old twat and a bit grumpy too some days!!! 😆 We do rub along well though, and have lots in common, and we are a good fit.

(Both in our mid to late 50s.)

I could never imagine being with someone like my DH now, if I was only say, 30-35... OR if I was in my late 40s, I could never be with a man of 70. All I think is ewwwwwwwwwwww. Way too old! And I wouldn't be physically attracted to him. Wouldn't want to be his carer either.

There's nothing wrong or selfish about that. It's perfectly reasonable - it's about what works for you.

And I also think this is entirely possible.

There’s a large age gap between my father and his wife. He’s 84 and she’s in her early 60’s. They adore each other, but it’s very hard on her now he’s older. She’s terrified of losing him and although he’s in good health, she’s now responsible for a much older partner and facing the prospect of being alone in her later years, unless
she meets someone else. They have been
together for a very long time though so have had a life together.

I would just tell him it’s not working for you and move on op. The age gap isn’t going to work longer term.

I appreciate the helpful advice. He's away for the rest of the week now but we're going to speak at the weekend when he's back. I've made up my mind now that almost 18 years is just too much for me.

Duno what the obsessions are with age if your happy what does it matter and I would like to kindly point out no matter what age you could end up being a carer unexpectedly. There's some big age gaps in my large family all happily married

Is your mother single? Perhaps you can set them up on a date! I doubt he'd look at an older woman though.

men of my age seem to have aged worse than me. Haven't looked after themselves - teeth etc. No style.
Their conversation is limited to what they want to talk about - their gym sessions, pension, grandchildren - showing endless photos on their phone to demonstrate how adept they are at using it. They have no listening skills. It's as though they never learned how to do it.
They also mostly lack ability to do domestic chores apart from barbecuing.
And they wear ridiculous coloured trainers

So they havent looked after themselves yet they go to the gym??!!

No, she's not, but he sure is closer to her age though!

🤣 but please do suggest it to him and repost back 🤣🤣🤣

Hell no it would not be for me. Ask yourself this: would he date a woman almost 20 years his senior? If not then run for the hills.
The fact of the matter is that you WILL end up being his carer if you stay with him, unless he dies soon. No point in sugar coating the facts.
It’s also very telling that he kept his age a secret.

I also agree that men do not age well.
Of course this is Mumsnet where women claim that their 59 year old husband is as fit as a 21 year old and looks just as good. Bollocks they do. My son is early 20s and I can tell you 100% that NO 59 year old could ever be mistaken for being the same age. Lord knows who they are comparing their oh to but it certainly is not the young men I know.

You don't need a reason to say no to a relationship if you are unsure.

FWIW my DH is 20 years older and we have been together 25 years. He is the love of my life and we are very happy. However now he in his 70s the age difference does mean that we want different things from our life- I still want to travel and go out and he is less interested in all that. We have teens and he was never really a fun young dad and even less so now. I worry also about his health- he has started to become forgetful and bad tempered. I'm in for the long haul and I knew that I would be facing this one day, but it is still hard.

OP,

A huge age gap.

Do you want to be someone's carer?

You could easily find yourself doing tjat for your mother and him.

He is 100% thinking about himself and how this is just perfect for HIM.

A nice younger woman.

Older men can be surprisingly full of themes and think that the age gap shouldn't be a problem.

He has absolutely nothing to offer you, beyond the possibility of being his carer.

He likes to talk about himself and doesn't ask about you?

Typical older man who likes his own voice.

You would want to be out of your mind to consider this.

Definitely suggest he ask your mother out as he is much much closer in age to her than you.

I bet his face would be a picture at THAT suggestion 🤨🙄.

You make a lot of good points there

Isn’t it “old man’s darling, young man’s slave”?

My mother, who is now in her 90s, always used to say to us when we were young "Better a rich man's darling than a poor man's workhorse". That's despite her marrying my dad who was as poor as she was! Sadly for her I dated a few rich men but married a poor one 😄. She once said to me "I always knew you'd marry someone as poor as a church mouse" This apple didn't fall far from the tree!

I'll be talking to him later in the weekend and am just going ro say I'm not comfortable with the 18-year age gap, he knew I was a bit shocked on the phone anyway. I'm nervous about telling him though in case he thinks it's a silly reason for not continuing to see him, even though he admitted he was stressed about me knowing his age.

A previous poster said why not continue to see him and just enjoy dating - I couldn't do this if my heart is not really in it.

Anyway, I'll report back with how he reacts early next week. The opinions here have been really helpful - thank you all.

Who cares how he reacts.

Of course he may dismiss your opinion, but who cares.

You do not owe this old man a girlfriend.

Do not be apologetic or diffident in your manner.

It's not going to work for you, so good luck !

Thats it.

OP, men are not entitled to date us just because they want to. Remember that.
He could be the nicest man in the world, that doesn't earn him the right to a relationship with you.
I'm sure he does think the age gap is a 'silly' reason not to date him. He would wouldn't he given the benefit is all on his side?
You obviously don't want this and i think you're being very sensible. If that displeases him, too bad. He's really shouldn't be surprised.

Yuck. No.

Try asking him whether he'd consider dating an 82-year-old woman and watch his expression.

The tell him that yes, that's exactly what you feel too.

Life's too short to risk a high chance of spending your last 30 years wiping this guy's bum.

I don’t think it’s just the age gap. Way more talking about himself than willingness to listen is not a great sign either.

Your first sentence- I wish i had understood that as a young woman. Men are not entitled to date us just because they want to.

I wouldn't care if he was 35- he doesn't show interest in you and tried to omit his age because it was likely to put you off. Candour is needed to let people make their own decisions.

After 2 dates you don't really need to end things, just decline the next but if he's been telling people he has met someone I can see how you'd prefer to let him know.