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Original poster

Stag Do "Joke" AIBU

145 replies

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 08:54

AIBU

My partner's due to go for his best friends stag next weekend. I've been fine with this and haven't given it much thought until I've seen a message on the group chat from my OH saying 'bring condoms, what happens on stag stays on stay'

The context of sort it all seemed like it was meant to be jokey but I'm also heartbroken because what if he's being genuine?

We've got a 3 month old and it's massively upset me. I feel so disrespected and like it hugely affects trust whether it's 'banter' or not...

Any advice? Should I prepare myself now to leave him? Please no fear mongering

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 09/07/2023 17:55

I think it was meant to be a joke not my humour btw.
Just showing off in front of his mates. Again not my cup of tea. But if he really was planning on cheating he would just do it anyway.

Westcoastwoman · 09/07/2023 18:00

StellaJohanna · 09/07/2023 17:52

You don't want "fear mongering"? Okay. I work with 200 men and was brought up by men. It's not a joke and it's not banter. Jokes and banter are funny.
If my husband left me and our tiny baby alone to go on a stag night/ weekend/whatever the fuck it is these days, I would know I was with the wrong man. "Stag nights" used to be a few drinks - always the night before the wedding day- and the groom tied to a telegraph pole in the town centre or some other daft prank. They are now something else entirely. I will leave it there.

That will 24 carat bells on. ^^

1FootInTheRave · 09/07/2023 18:09

Oh c'mon op.

You know, he knows and almost everyone else know this wasn't a joke.

The mention of condoms make this totally sinister.

QS90 · 09/07/2023 18:18

Honestly we're it my OH, I would put it down to an (albeit unfunny to me) joke. A lot of the jokes on the WhatsApp he has with his chums wouldn't be funny to most women I know (they went through a phase of sending each other photos of themselves doing a poo 😒). Really gross, but ultimately harmless. If I'd have seen the message in question, I'd probably have laughed and told him to remember to pack extra small size, or good luck chatting someone up with tales of potty training and video games. HOWEVER, that's our relationship. Only you know how much you trust your OH, what he is like, whether that is his humour... If your gut is telling you something is amiss, it is worth checking it out. But I don't think you can gauge too much by just the message.

greyhairnomore · 09/07/2023 18:20

Not funny what an absolute dick head.
I'd be considering things and making him have an STD test.
Also I'd be telling the other wives and girlfriends.
How childish.

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 18:20

StellaJohanna · 09/07/2023 17:52

You don't want "fear mongering"? Okay. I work with 200 men and was brought up by men. It's not a joke and it's not banter. Jokes and banter are funny.
If my husband left me and our tiny baby alone to go on a stag night/ weekend/whatever the fuck it is these days, I would know I was with the wrong man. "Stag nights" used to be a few drinks - always the night before the wedding day- and the groom tied to a telegraph pole in the town centre or some other daft prank. They are now something else entirely. I will leave it there.

100% agree with this! Now it’s all about strip clubs, gang bangs, one night stands, who can get the groom drunk enough to shag another woman before his wedding! Honestly I’ve hear it all and that’s coming from a close male friend of mine

StopStartStop · 09/07/2023 18:22

OP, he meant it.

belei1922 · 09/07/2023 18:24

Op I'm so sorry to me this isn't a joke he is saying what is going to happen . What were the replies ? It would be over for me

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 18:26

belei1922 · 09/07/2023 18:24

Op I'm so sorry to me this isn't a joke he is saying what is going to happen . What were the replies ? It would be over for me

Nobody replied, they obviously did not see it as a joke either and did not play along with it, they ignored the message which would tell me that he meant every word of what he said. Maybe the others didn’t respond for fear of getting found out by their wives of gf or maybe they just don’t agree with his intentions

YRGAM · 09/07/2023 19:07

I have been on around 20 stags and witnessed this kind of chat in the group in approximately 70% of them, and not a single one of them has had any situation in which a condom would be used. Maybe my friendship groups are different to your husband's but I'm pretty sure it was a joke

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 19:16

QueenFree · 09/07/2023 17:14

I went on a hen do a few years back and one of the girls going said that in the group chat as a joke (she was married). We all took it as a joke. And I know her DH found it funny.

As much as I could understand it being a joke, I do think it's strange that noone else replied...that would concern me too OP. It just feels strange.

Yeah…that’s not the same.

QueenFree · 09/07/2023 19:27

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 19:16

Yeah…that’s not the same.

Show quote history

Well...yeah, that's the point.

If it were a joke everyone else would be in on it, but they're not, so it is "strange".

It's obviously not the same, at all. And that's why OP is right to be concerned.

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 19:27

YRGAM · 09/07/2023 19:07

I have been on around 20 stags and witnessed this kind of chat in the group in approximately 70% of them, and not a single one of them has had any situation in which a condom would be used. Maybe my friendship groups are different to your husband's but I'm pretty sure it was a joke

What about the other 30%?

YRGAM · 09/07/2023 19:34

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 19:27

What about the other 30%?

Show quote history

There were no messages about condoms or what happens on stag staying on stag...

AllOfThemWitches · 09/07/2023 19:36

Fuck that shit.

TheaBrandt · 09/07/2023 20:06

My ex was very honest about some men and stags. He stayed lived in HK and stayed home with the women while the men of their group went on a “golfing weekend” which was actually in a brothel in the Philippines. The women were utterly clueless “aww Nigel is really missing me” after phone calls.

It’s not a “joke” it’s a vacation from his marriage to shag prostitutes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 20:45

YRGAM · 09/07/2023 19:07

I have been on around 20 stags and witnessed this kind of chat in the group in approximately 70% of them, and not a single one of them has had any situation in which a condom would be used. Maybe my friendship groups are different to your husband's but I'm pretty sure it was a joke

Except the places stag dos go are full of brothels. And everyone knows stags frequent them. It's not a coincidence. You can pretend this doesn't happen but it happens all the time.

If it quacks and waddles, it's probably a duck.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/07/2023 21:01

It wasn't a joke. I'm not surprised at the amount of posters applying the old mental gymnastics to excuse him though.
Let's be honest, it's bad enough when your fellas friendship group has that one nobhead who treats women like shit and encourages the others to do so. Your OH is that nobhead. How mortifying that no one responded.
If you don't want to do anything about it at the mo, try not to think about it and don't ask him what went on. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
He wouldn't be the person I wanted to enjoy the rest of my life with.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/07/2023 21:02

To be honest, those men were probably thinking, fucking hell mate, you've just had a baby

BathroomOnTheRight · 10/07/2023 03:43

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 17:09

I wouldn't say he's a lad per say but he is a tradey so there's a lot of immature banter between the blokes but generally it's about each other and fairly harmless.

He is ADHD so can sometimes say things impulsively (not an excuse, I know)

I've often thought before he can try a bit too hard to fit in with the guys and try to be the funny one.

For further context, when I read the message in question none of the other guys had replied or acknowledged it but I don't know if that's reassuring or not... They aren't really a group of people that I would say would cheat bar one who's a waste of space but he doesn't really normally hang out with the group anyway, but even he just put a laughing emoji and nothing else.

I feel like I'm thinking every single outcome there is, it's driving me a bit mad. I feel it's a wait and see situation which is a bit torturous...

OP as I said, tell him if he goes on the stag do, then your relationship is over. He has to choose. You're being a walkover by not giving him an ultimatum.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 08:24

Only you can know if this is enough to implode your whole marriage

They're not married, are they?

Anyway, that's a bit like "throw the marriage away" said to someone who's been cheated on. It puts onus and responsibility and action onto the betrayed party; when none of those are actually on them.

If op's relationship "implodes" it would be her partner who's imploded it, not her.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 08:32

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/07/2023 21:01

It wasn't a joke. I'm not surprised at the amount of posters applying the old mental gymnastics to excuse him though.
Let's be honest, it's bad enough when your fellas friendship group has that one nobhead who treats women like shit and encourages the others to do so. Your OH is that nobhead. How mortifying that no one responded.
If you don't want to do anything about it at the mo, try not to think about it and don't ask him what went on. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
He wouldn't be the person I wanted to enjoy the rest of my life with.

I'm inclined to agree with this post.

There's often one person leading the laddy, low moral, macho, "cheating is ok" mentality in groups of men; and your partner appears to be the one in his group (or he wants to be the one).
Significant that no-one replied to his "cheating is ok and this is the opportunity to do it" message.

This would be bad for any man full stop, but one who's just had a baby .....

At the absolute absolute best, your partner is a man who desperately wants to be seen as cool and a "big man", an alpha, a "lad", a shagger etc - in the most toxic masculinity way of being any of those things. And so says things like this in male groups. So basically I order to impress (he thinks) other men, he'll happily imply her cheat on his partner and mother of his new baby (and of course imply he's happy for others to do the same to their partners and keep it secret) ..... thereby treating her with massive disrespect to them.

And that's the very very best case scenario here.

The worst id that he cheats on you/intends to cheat in you and got caught referring to it.

MyTruthIsOut · 10/07/2023 08:32

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/07/2023 21:02

To be honest, those men were probably thinking, fucking hell mate, you've just had a baby

100% agree with this.

They are probably disgusted that he’d even joke about this (except it’s not a joke) when he has a 3 month old baby at home.

You have my sympathies OP, it’s a really shitty thing for him to do 🙁

rookiemere · 10/07/2023 08:34

Maybe I'm clutching at straws but the ADHD and not fitting in well with the lads means he may have thought it was just a witty throwaway comment.

Do you have access to his phone OP? I'd maybe start there for any previous group conversations, sounds like if he was cheating or planning to he'd not be particularly good at hiding his tracks.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 08:37

If be very interested indeed to see what hos reaction would be if he found a similar message from you in a group chat about an upcoming hen do;

"Remember to bring condoms, girlies...m what happens on the hen do, stays on the hen do!".

How do you think he'd see that op?

Would he easily think it was just a joke?

If he even believed it was a joke, how would he see it in terms of your character and respect for your relationship and for him?

I'm wondering if he'd be out the door.

And thats without the vulnerability and dependant position of being a woman who's recently had someone's baby.