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Original poster

Stag Do "Joke" AIBU

145 replies

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 08:54

AIBU

My partner's due to go for his best friends stag next weekend. I've been fine with this and haven't given it much thought until I've seen a message on the group chat from my OH saying 'bring condoms, what happens on stag stays on stay'

The context of sort it all seemed like it was meant to be jokey but I'm also heartbroken because what if he's being genuine?

We've got a 3 month old and it's massively upset me. I feel so disrespected and like it hugely affects trust whether it's 'banter' or not...

Any advice? Should I prepare myself now to leave him? Please no fear mongering

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2023 13:34

I'd confront him about it. Even if it's just a joke, I wouldn't want to be with the kind of person who would make that kind of joke, and I'd make that clear.

blahblahblah1654 · 09/07/2023 13:34

Not surprised you're upset. Really gross comment. I'd be worried myself. Where is he going on the stag do?

EarthSight · 09/07/2023 13:40

I don't think he was joking. He sounds like a laddish, blokey bloke who shags women on dirty weekends like this. I'd feel like a mug in your situation. Grim.

EarthSight · 09/07/2023 13:42

Also, 'it's only a joke' is something that almost every abusive scum bag has said to get out of a tricky situation. It's THE get out card and it's patronising your intelligence.

rwalker · 09/07/2023 13:42

Sounds like your married to one of the inbetwenners
id be surprised if that was his intention why would you so publicly announce it

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 13:59

rwalker · 09/07/2023 13:42

Sounds like your married to one of the inbetwenners
id be surprised if that was his intention why would you so publicly announce it

He mentioned it in chat to his mates. From what I’ve been told, a lot of men see cheating on stag do’s as no big deal and unlike women, they generally will not grass their mates up. The saying “what happens on a stag do stays on a stag do” is extremely common apparently! I’ve heard some horror stories about men cheating on stag nights

NeverThatSerious · 09/07/2023 14:02

How the fuck is that a joke? ‘Oh har-di-har isn’t it hilarious ‘joking’ about cheating on my wife who’s home with my tiny baby??’ What an absolute twat. I’d be very upset to realise I was married to such a gross specimen.

Codlingmoths · 09/07/2023 14:09

I don’t know your husband to know whether he’d possibly think that could be a joke, but I’d have to sit him down before he went, say I saw this, and I am wondering what could possibly have made you type that. I’d like to read the rest of your chat if you don’t mind, while I question if you should come back if you go on this stag. Or if I should apologise to my baby for having selected such a father and refocus my life on our precious child.

Lovehearts82 · 09/07/2023 14:14

It's probably just a joke, like you say, the context seemed jokey. It's a bad one, but if he's the type to say anything to keep up with his mates, then it will all be "banter".
You have 2 options, say something or say nothing.

chohiad · 09/07/2023 14:34

I suppose it depends on his personality, I know a few men who I could imagine saying this "for a laugh" with no intentions, but no my DH wouldn't and if he had written anything like that it would be really out of character and would upset me. Only you can know what you think he meant by it and whether it bothers you.

frozendaisy · 09/07/2023 14:44

I am almost sure my H wouldn't message this as a "joke" or even at all, but I know for a fact between the men's group at least one of his mate's would message this as a joke, whilst being an absolutely lovely, gorgeous, charming most faithful man in real life. But he does, I get the odd message read out for comedy value where I get to shout "wrong oh so very wrong", send "potty mouth" messages.

So yes it can be messages between men, for comedy value, it's more likely to be that than not that if they are a bunch of devoted loving family men.

retinolalcohol · 09/07/2023 15:11

As PP have said, even if it was a 'joke' it's in very poor taste. So funny to go behind my partner's back, whilst she's at home taking care of our tiny baby, and shag someone else. Hilarious.
It's this type of 'joking' that normalizes 'boys will be boys' type behaviour. Disrespectful, often misogynistic behaviour. So even if that is his idea of a joke, still not brilliant news tbh.

But then for me, it kinda reads like he's testing the waters - if she others play along happy days, we all cover for one another as we're all implicated. If not 'it was only a joke'.

I agree with PPs who have said that they'd be wanting him to offer to pull out of the stag. He shouldn't want to go now, knowing he's out that horrific thought in your head & you'll be a bag of nerves the entire time. I'm sorry OP. It's really disappointing when you see something that changes your view of a person

OhmygodDont · 09/07/2023 15:16

Give him a full box and tell him to enjoy his new single life.

it’s not funny it’s not cool. It’s try hard lame. The fact he thinks it’s cool shows his a grade A dick in the wild.

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 15:16

I would say it would be a different thing if one of the others had written it. Then it could just be "Dave" who's known as a bit of a dick, being a dick.

But it's come directly from him.

retinolalcohol · 09/07/2023 15:23

Also I'm another one with male friends/associates who say stag do's are often a free for all. What happens on the stag stays on the stag. No one says a word soon as they land back home. I had a friend who I would've sworn blind was 100% faithful, never ever shown any signs in front of me, until I found out that he'd cheated several times on stags. It's a pack mentality.

People here who are claiming they know people who would joke about this but are 'faithful' - are you sure?
The point is that they all stick together and the wives/wives friends never find out. Cheats aren't walking around with neon signs over their heads. In fact they're often the ones whose wives/partners think 'oh my DH would NEVER'

OP the fact this would even enter his head to joke about is not a good sign. At best he has little respect for the mother of his tiny baby. At worst he'd cheat on you given the opportunity and approval of the 'lads'

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/07/2023 15:26

That’s horrible. Tbh, I can’t imagine ever being with a man who would find that funny. If my husband received such a message, he wouldn’t go.

chohiad · 09/07/2023 15:31

People here who are claiming they know people who would joke about this but are 'faithful' - are you sure?

Wouldn't put money on it, never would, I just mean we all know the ones that have put it about and they're the ones you'd expect to make those kinds of jokes, but equally know some boisterous characters that talk the misogynist talk with banter like this but know them to be generally happy blokes that aren't like the first group mentioned and I would be surprised to find out they had cheated. I don't see men as a homogenous group, and wouldn't assume banter like this is from a cheater, some men love to talk the talk and come across as Billy Big Bollocks but could very likely just be bravado.

rookiemere · 09/07/2023 15:32

How did you happen to see it on his group chat OP ?

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 16:10

Of course it means they’re planning to cheat.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 16:16

EarthSight · 09/07/2023 13:42

Also, 'it's only a joke' is something that almost every abusive scum bag has said to get out of a tricky situation. It's THE get out card and it's patronising your intelligence.

It's Schrödinger's joke. You see what the reaction is (or if your wife sees it) then decide it's a joke.

I'm sorry OP. It's horrible.

rookiemere · 09/07/2023 16:17

DH would never in a million years send a message like this. I would never say 100% that he wouldn't cheat because you never know for sure, but I'd be incredibly surprised and disappointed if he wanted to pay for sex with a paid sex worker and I'd find it hard to stay after that tbh.
It's an odd thing to joke about, if you've no intention of following through.

Babdoc · 09/07/2023 16:19

Presumably as this delightful specimen is not married to OP and has therefore not made any vows to be faithful, he thinks it’s fine to shag around on a stag trip.
On the plus side, not being married makes it a lot easier to dump his sorry arse. No expensive divorce required, just change the locks while he’s away and dump his stuff in bin bags in the garage to collect when he returns.

rookiemere · 09/07/2023 16:21

Babdoc · 09/07/2023 16:19

Presumably as this delightful specimen is not married to OP and has therefore not made any vows to be faithful, he thinks it’s fine to shag around on a stag trip.
On the plus side, not being married makes it a lot easier to dump his sorry arse. No expensive divorce required, just change the locks while he’s away and dump his stuff in bin bags in the garage to collect when he returns.

I think you're giving him more credit than he deserves, if you think a wedding ring would make any difference.

StaunchMomma · 09/07/2023 16:39

Top tier cuntish behaviour, IMO.

I absolutely hate laddy lads. Utterly grim.

Original poster
littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 16:45

Update

We've spoken. I asked to see the full chat group which he did allow me to do.

He still sticks by it being a joke with the lads but honestly, I've cried most of the day. I feel a bit sick at the thought. I've never considered him to be that way inclined and don't believe he has ever cheated on me and with the willingness to show me the full chat I'm not 100% sure what I believe.

I'm on mat leave and leaving would financially be so, so difficult on my own. I don't know what to think or feel at this point.

OP posts:
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