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Original poster

Stag Do "Joke" AIBU

145 replies

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 08:54

AIBU

My partner's due to go for his best friends stag next weekend. I've been fine with this and haven't given it much thought until I've seen a message on the group chat from my OH saying 'bring condoms, what happens on stag stays on stay'

The context of sort it all seemed like it was meant to be jokey but I'm also heartbroken because what if he's being genuine?

We've got a 3 month old and it's massively upset me. I feel so disrespected and like it hugely affects trust whether it's 'banter' or not...

Any advice? Should I prepare myself now to leave him? Please no fear mongering

OP posts:
Sunnyfunnytimes · 09/07/2023 16:47

I don’t understand why you don’t know what to think,you saw the evidence with your own eyes. That doesn’t mean you need to leave. But you must know what to think right?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 16:49

What's he suggesting to deal with this? Not going? I wouldn't ask but I'd expect it to be offered. Or is it affronted 'WHAT? It's just a JOKE FFS' kind of thing?

Smoothiecarton · 09/07/2023 16:51

Revolting.this would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t think I could move past it even if he decided not to go.

Equalitea · 09/07/2023 16:52

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 16:49

What's he suggesting to deal with this? Not going? I wouldn't ask but I'd expect it to be offered. Or is it affronted 'WHAT? It's just a JOKE FFS' kind of thing?

This!

Shapemyeyebrows · 09/07/2023 16:53

@littlerainbow0405 in the context of the chat was it “male banter”? I wouldn’t leave a relationship over this, but I really wouldn’t like it. Only you know him as a person and whether it’s his character to make such jokes. “Lads” will say stupid things to their mates but like you, I would be incredibly upset if I saw my partner had sent such a message.

themummylife · 09/07/2023 16:54

That’s not a joke. It isn’t funny, it’s just gross. I have a group of male friends, none of them ever speak like this. Neither does DH. ‘Lad’ culture repulses me, it’s almost always disrespectful to women. I couldn’t be with a man like this.

I’m so sorry you’ve been so upset all day. Has he explained what part of the joke is funny?. Has he reassured you in any way?.

TeenLifeMum · 09/07/2023 16:55

My dh would never say this but he’s not a lad type guy so not sure he’d have said that when single. Not the kind of guy I’d be with and it works make me seriously question our future. It’s so disrespectful.

CrackerAndPudding · 09/07/2023 16:57

Can he explain how saying that was a joke? Like what was the funny part? Without context I cant see how that is jokey at all

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 17:03

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 16:45

Update

We've spoken. I asked to see the full chat group which he did allow me to do.

He still sticks by it being a joke with the lads but honestly, I've cried most of the day. I feel a bit sick at the thought. I've never considered him to be that way inclined and don't believe he has ever cheated on me and with the willingness to show me the full chat I'm not 100% sure what I believe.

I'm on mat leave and leaving would financially be so, so difficult on my own. I don't know what to think or feel at this point.

Of course he’s going to say it was a joke. He’s not exactly going to admit he has any intentions on cheating on you. His message speaks for itself! It’s not something to joke about. What I’d be doing the night before he goes and is all packed is going through his bags/ suitcase/ pockets/ wash bag etc to see if I can find evidence of said condoms. And even if I didn’t I’d be wary that he might buy them from the shop on the way. But I doubt it’s a joke. As I said before this code for “what happens on a stag do stays on a stag do”! He is not the only man to have ever said this.

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:04

I’m going on an all women’s trip in a few months and we have a group chat about it and one woman said almost the exact same thing.

I didn’t find it offensive at all and I know she would never cheat on her husband.

We all just laughed and us single ones said we’re putting a hat on the door etc but none of us are going to have a holiday fling as that’s not why you’re going.

I think you are being over sensitive, which is understandable seeing as you’ve not long had a baby.
But it was a silly joke and nothing to get upset about.

Original poster
littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 17:09

I wouldn't say he's a lad per say but he is a tradey so there's a lot of immature banter between the blokes but generally it's about each other and fairly harmless.

He is ADHD so can sometimes say things impulsively (not an excuse, I know)

I've often thought before he can try a bit too hard to fit in with the guys and try to be the funny one.

For further context, when I read the message in question none of the other guys had replied or acknowledged it but I don't know if that's reassuring or not... They aren't really a group of people that I would say would cheat bar one who's a waste of space but he doesn't really normally hang out with the group anyway, but even he just put a laughing emoji and nothing else.

I feel like I'm thinking every single outcome there is, it's driving me a bit mad. I feel it's a wait and see situation which is a bit torturous...

OP posts:
QueenFree · 09/07/2023 17:14

I went on a hen do a few years back and one of the girls going said that in the group chat as a joke (she was married). We all took it as a joke. And I know her DH found it funny.

As much as I could understand it being a joke, I do think it's strange that noone else replied...that would concern me too OP. It just feels strange.

yellowsmileyface · 09/07/2023 17:14

CrackerAndPudding · 09/07/2023 16:57

Can he explain how saying that was a joke? Like what was the funny part? Without context I cant see how that is jokey at all

To those asking what the joke actually is, assuming you're not being rhetorical, I think the intended humour lies in how outrageous the suggestion is.

It's akin to how, when I was a teenager, if I had the house to myself, I might make a joke to my mum about throwing a wild party. The joke is that it's a cliche and I wouldn't really do it.

Just to add, I don't find it funny in the slightest myself. It's crude, disrespectful, and misogynistic as it implies using women as glorified sex toys. Even if it is "just a joke", I'd have a pretty big problem with it.

MyTruthIsOut · 09/07/2023 17:19

So what was the “full chat” when you asked to see it?

yellowsmileyface · 09/07/2023 17:22

Ultimately he's done something which is now causing you a lot of emotional distress.

It's his responsibility to fix things and reassure you, regardless of the intention of his actions. Is he willing to try to make you feel better, or does he seem to believe it's your responsibility to just get over it because it was a joke?

Is he actually aware how much it's upset you? I get the impression you've been mainly keeping that to yourself. I think he needs to know how much this has affected you.

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 17:24

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 17:09

I wouldn't say he's a lad per say but he is a tradey so there's a lot of immature banter between the blokes but generally it's about each other and fairly harmless.

He is ADHD so can sometimes say things impulsively (not an excuse, I know)

I've often thought before he can try a bit too hard to fit in with the guys and try to be the funny one.

For further context, when I read the message in question none of the other guys had replied or acknowledged it but I don't know if that's reassuring or not... They aren't really a group of people that I would say would cheat bar one who's a waste of space but he doesn't really normally hang out with the group anyway, but even he just put a laughing emoji and nothing else.

I feel like I'm thinking every single outcome there is, it's driving me a bit mad. I feel it's a wait and see situation which is a bit torturous...

I feel that you are defending him and making excuses for him. Just because he has ADHD it doesn’t excuse him from writing messages on a chat implying that he’s going to cheat, neither will ADHD stop him from cheating. There is a reason why he made this ‘joke’ and tbh it isn’t funny and I would never trust him after that. He obviously knows the phrase “what happens on a stag do stays on a stag do” so it seems to me that he knows exactly what what he’s talking about. As a pp has said, it is concerning that none of the others replied or went along with the ‘joke’ so they obviously didn’t see it as a joke either.

MimiSunshine · 09/07/2023 17:24

Intended to be a joke or not, it’s hugely disrespectful to you and your relationship and he’d have a lot of work to do with me before I had full trust or respect for him.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:26

What was the context of you seeing that first message? As in popped up or you were checking his phone?

How did he react when you mentioned it? Defensive, apologetic, confused, angry?

It's not funny, I'd expect a contrite apology and him to delete the message.

Only you can know if this is enough to implode your whole marriage

LostSocksBrigade · 09/07/2023 17:31

The thing is you're now going to spend the whole stag time at home worrying. He disrespected you and your relationship because you are enough and he should be showing that even when you're not around. The real test of trust is how he talks and behaves when you're not there and for whatever reason he wanted people to know he would cheat and hope to get away with it. It's not okay. He shouldn't go on the stag.

Kedece2410 · 09/07/2023 17:35

If he'd just said what happens on stag stays on stag I'd say that was fine but the condom comment would really concern me.

How's he reacted seeing how much it upset you

Phos · 09/07/2023 17:40

I think it's probably just banter and you (and many many PPs) are being way too precious.

SirChenjins · 09/07/2023 17:41

And some PPs have such low bars for their husbands and partners it’s pathetic.

houseonthehill · 09/07/2023 17:41

Sounds like childish bravado to me... the equivalent of shouting WAHEYYY! on a night out. I don't think that type is likely to try to pull anyway - it's just showing off in front of his mates.

Westcoastwoman · 09/07/2023 17:45

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 09/07/2023 13:10

Your DP told his mate to bring condoms WTAF?

Is this man still in your house or are you in the process of kicking him out right now?

I hope it's the latter as he is NOT partner material, he's put in writing that he's planning to cheat and encouraging his friend who is about to get married to do the same 🤮

You'll never be able to trust him again, so what's the point of your relationship now?

Exactly this ^
I'm sorry that this is happening to you OP.

Please make plans to get rid of him, he is an absolute louse.

StellaJohanna · 09/07/2023 17:52

You don't want "fear mongering"? Okay. I work with 200 men and was brought up by men. It's not a joke and it's not banter. Jokes and banter are funny.
If my husband left me and our tiny baby alone to go on a stag night/ weekend/whatever the fuck it is these days, I would know I was with the wrong man. "Stag nights" used to be a few drinks - always the night before the wedding day- and the groom tied to a telegraph pole in the town centre or some other daft prank. They are now something else entirely. I will leave it there.