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Original poster

Stag Do "Joke" AIBU

145 replies

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 08:54

AIBU

My partner's due to go for his best friends stag next weekend. I've been fine with this and haven't given it much thought until I've seen a message on the group chat from my OH saying 'bring condoms, what happens on stag stays on stay'

The context of sort it all seemed like it was meant to be jokey but I'm also heartbroken because what if he's being genuine?

We've got a 3 month old and it's massively upset me. I feel so disrespected and like it hugely affects trust whether it's 'banter' or not...

Any advice? Should I prepare myself now to leave him? Please no fear mongering

OP posts:
BuffyTheCat · 09/07/2023 11:00

It’s not funny and it’s incredibly disrespectful to you. Is he usually this immature and thoughtless?

crumpet · 09/07/2023 11:00

It’s not funny. Either it’s a joke, in which case my values/sense of humour would be so fundamentally different I’d query whether I was in the right relationship, or he’s planning to cheat, in which case ditto.

LightDrizzle · 09/07/2023 11:01

I don’t think that was a joke I’m afraid. I’m really sorry.

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 11:10

Yeah, it's not a joke. He's basically laying the ground to say he's up for everyone cheating on their partners, because he's planning some one night stands. He's hoping for others to concur, because then he protects himself against the ability to "tell" on him, because he could dish the same dirt on them.

I'm so sorry. At least you know who he is now. If he can't find anyone for his ONS on the stag, you know he's got no issues with having one if he gets the opportunity in the future.

Now, you're just essentially always going to be wondering if today will be the day he cheats.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2023 11:14

A joke is meant to be funny

thedancingbear · 09/07/2023 11:22

I can’t see any sense in which that could be considered a joke.

this is LTB territory. Fucking scumbag.

Aprilx · 09/07/2023 11:29

It doesn’t sound like a joke to me, sorry OP.

Whattodowithit88 · 09/07/2023 11:33

Irrelevant. Joke or not his just had a baby that’s 3 months old, it’s disgusting and disrespectful towards you to be saying something like that in the first place regardless if it’s a joke.

I would be telling him to not go or stay out there because he has shown he can’t be trusted and things that are important and keeps relationships together he has no problem risking over a stupid joke.

Sunnyfunnytimes · 09/07/2023 11:38

He’s just told his mates he’s planning to cheat on you and they should do the same if they wish. And they all keep it secret.

I don’t see the humour in it.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 09/07/2023 11:38

Hes not joking, awful of him to say that. Id begetting my ducks in a row.

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 11:38

I know people will say I am over-reacting, but considering it was your HUSBAND that said it, not his friend, I would tell your husband you want him to pull out of the stag do. Absolutely. I would tell him if he goes, we're over. That you're filing for divorce. And MEAN IT. He is planning something. It is not something that would enter a married man's head to make a joke of. He means it. Please know this. He means it. It's not a joke.

Absolutely. Ultimatum time. Your saw the message. You do not take it 'as a joke'. It would never enter his head or any married person's head, to 'make a joke' about it. You no longer trust him. You want him to withdraw from the stag do. Or else your marriage is over. You, are not joking, you are deadly serious. He has to choose. His marriage, or the stag do. If he goes, he is leaving his marriage. His choice.

Ilikejamtarts · 09/07/2023 11:44

Meant as a joke or not, I hate shit like this. It's disrespectful towards you for starters, he's making your relationship sound like a joke to his mates and it also gives the impression to his mates that he has little respect or care towards you. So Evan if he doesn't cheat or isn't the type, I still think saying things like this to mates isn't nice and can make people think negatively of your relationship.

Qilin · 09/07/2023 11:44

This isn't the kind of 'joke' dh and his friends would say, even more so when married.

I'd be horrified if dh made such a comment.

But they]n I've never really understood the whole thing about stag nights involving sex - strip clubs, prostitutes, lap dancing or whatever. Surely they should be celebrating being married to a person they love. You don't celebrate love by sleeping with another women or watching other women remove their clothes. It's never made sense.

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 11:46

littlerainbow0405 · 09/07/2023 08:54

AIBU

My partner's due to go for his best friends stag next weekend. I've been fine with this and haven't given it much thought until I've seen a message on the group chat from my OH saying 'bring condoms, what happens on stag stays on stay'

The context of sort it all seemed like it was meant to be jokey but I'm also heartbroken because what if he's being genuine?

We've got a 3 month old and it's massively upset me. I feel so disrespected and like it hugely affects trust whether it's 'banter' or not...

Any advice? Should I prepare myself now to leave him? Please no fear mongering

I have been told by a very good male friend of mine that a lot of men see a stag do as an opportunity to cheat, he also told me that the general rule for a stag do that a lot of men follow are those very words you have just quoted on your thread “what happens on a stag do stays on a stag do”, he also said that whatever DOES happen on a stag do is never mentioned or talked about ever again. It seems quite a few men view a stag do as an opportunity to go absolutely wild and do whatever they wish! I would be very wary of the message you saw and I doubt it would be a joke.

Shapemyeyebrows · 09/07/2023 11:54

Whether it’s a poor joke or not it would bother me thats his mindset. I wouldn’t necessarily end the relationship over this but I would most definitely hit home to him that it’s completely unacceptable. I mean, is that how he talks about you and your relationship to his mates? I wouldn’t dream of going away for a hen do with my friends and texting them to say “bring good underwear - what happens on hen do stays on hen do” 🙄

SirVixofVixHall · 09/07/2023 11:56

RenoDakota · 09/07/2023 09:08

Christ, there are some ridiculously low bars on here.

Show quote history

Agree with Reno

Equalitea · 09/07/2023 12:42

You can’t trust him. That’s not a joke. He’s hoping to use the condoms on the stag. If he went on the stay his things would be packed and the locks changed for his return.

rookiemere · 09/07/2023 12:43

That's a very odd "joke" for a faithful married man to make.

1980to1989 · 09/07/2023 12:57

If I were you OP, I'd say nothing (for now), then once he's finished his packing I'd be making sure to find those condoms he's packed. And if I couldn't find them, I'd be assuming he'd be buying them at the airport.

Either way, it would be game over for me. Stag do's are notorious for this crap - I shudder to think how many wives and girlfriends are cheated on each time their other 'arf simply has to go on one 🙄and the women back home have no idea, or perhaps they suspect, but you know... 'boys will be boys' 🙄

YouJustDoYou · 09/07/2023 12:59

Yeah, "hilarious".

moodypromises · 09/07/2023 13:03

What were the messages before and after this was text? Because unless you have confronted him and he has said it's a joke. It doesn't come across like banter at all.

Statistically women most get cheated on in pregnancy and post partum and it's ducking shit.

My dh went to Amsterdam with his best friend last year and I fully trust everything (I secretly read messages)

This year said best friend went again a month after his wife gave birth and my husband didn't go this time.
Messages came like "Bro, you should have come as I've fucked up, (other friend) pushed me into visiting a prostitute blah blah and I regret it"

Dh told me straight away he won't be going with him again. And he hasn't. That friend has been back again last week!

I don't think any man should be saying that on a group chat, joke or not it's fucking disrespectful and I would confront him.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 09/07/2023 13:10

Your DP told his mate to bring condoms WTAF?

Is this man still in your house or are you in the process of kicking him out right now?

I hope it's the latter as he is NOT partner material, he's put in writing that he's planning to cheat and encouraging his friend who is about to get married to do the same 🤮

You'll never be able to trust him again, so what's the point of your relationship now?

LubaLuca · 09/07/2023 13:15

So what's the joke? Everyone going is actually celibate?

Janella · 09/07/2023 13:18

I hope for your sake that it is just a stupid 'joke'. some men do banter with their friends like this especially when they think they are unobserved. I can understand your shock. I'd be very very pissed off and hurt if my DH did this and I would expect a sincere apology.

Talk to him? It could be that he's referring to an in-joke or quoting something/someone else and out of context this sounds way worse than it is meant.

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 13:28

Janella · 09/07/2023 13:18

I hope for your sake that it is just a stupid 'joke'. some men do banter with their friends like this especially when they think they are unobserved. I can understand your shock. I'd be very very pissed off and hurt if my DH did this and I would expect a sincere apology.

Talk to him? It could be that he's referring to an in-joke or quoting something/someone else and out of context this sounds way worse than it is meant.

I think you are very naive.

And there is no possible excuse, even 'in-joke', that would ever make what he said ok. Nothing could ever excuse this. And would OP even believe his excuse anyway.