Possible Emma Thompson Moment

[MaybeAgain2023]

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

I don’t treat my relationships like a covert operation.

My initial post was simplistic.

Of course I don’t think he will admit it but his reaction to asking would tell a lot. If the op is suspicious and those suspicions are valid there will be other signs.

I hope that it is a beautiful thoughtful present for the op. If it is, what’s next? By not discussing how she’s feeling this will just happen again with something else. He’s broken her trust in the past, in that situation I just feel that you’ll continue to find things to be worried about unless you speak to him about why it’s triggering you.

I doubt that things will just go back to normal if she gets a nice gift for her birthday.

I think it’s more than defence. It’s been nearly a decade, and you’ve spotted a spend just before your birthday and your go to is he’s bought it for her. Not you, That’s not defence, that’s a major lack of trust still. You haven’t moved past it at all, you’re just living with it.

"Of course I don’t think he will admit it but his reaction to asking would tell a lot."

Yup. Naive 🤣

He’s broken her trust in the past, in that situation I just feel that you’ll continue to find things to be worried about unless you speak to him about why it’s triggering you.

Well, yes, the trigger is that he cheated in the past. She is aware of that. It's perfectly normal for someone who has been cheated on in the past to be more vigilant going forward. Even if she was in a different relationship now she would still be aware of potential red flags. That is actually sensible for all women. It's more foolish to put naive blind faith in someone.

I didn’t say anything about blind faith, I said have a discussion.

Hoping for the best outcome op xx

About what exactly?

"DH, what's this transaction in the bank account?"
"That is a birthday present for you."

That solves nothing. You think the man won't be able to control what his face does? He hid a whole affair before. He knows how to lie.

Or do you mean discuss how she finds some things suspicious? If he is cheating, he'll be more careful. If he isn't cheating, then what is bringing it up going solve?

Maybe, glad I don’t live my life constantly watching for red flags in my relationship though.

🤷‍♀️

Being assertive with someone who isn't is like giving someone a second bullet for their gun when the first one missed.

.

BUMP!

There will be many women who have taken this approach, to then find out later that this sensible and adult approach does not work with people who are embroiled in affairs.

Op this is hard.

It's going to eat you up inside until you know.

Even if the present is for you then I think accept it and enjoy it but you need to speak to your DH about how you felt beforehand. Basically what you have put on here. He won't want to hear it but then you shouldn't be having to live it!. You need to have a frank conversation but I honestly don't know how you can get the trust back.

If its not for you then at least you know the truth, and can make a plan.

Good luck. I hope it is for you. X

Bumpity, bump, bump 😄

Sorry OP, I really hope you get the answer you want & get a lovely surprise on your birthday! I think you're right to keep you powder dry until you know more. Take care 💐

I've got my fingers crossed for you - I hope you have a lovely birthday 🥳

Why not drop it? You made a bad suggestion, that's fine. People have explained why. Just take it on the chin.
What is the point of making repeated smug comments about how you don't feel this way in your own relationship. Fine, but the OP does at present so what help is that?

Of course you don't give him a heads up before your birthday, anyone who has been betrayed understands the deception that goes into that.

However I think that if you are given the gift by him then you need to tell him your fears and what you have been going through over the week.

It's important IMO that he understands the impact his behaviour is still having after all these years.

@letthatmango
absolutely spot on and thank you.

The truth is that after my initial nervousness I’m feeling ok and will push it to the back of my mind and enjoy the weekend.

After the affair I decided to focus on me and my life. If it happened again I didn’t want the interim years to feel like wasted years. We can’t control other people’s behaviour, only our own response to it. So although I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t be in the same situation again, I would be prepared and have a plan.

It’s reassuring to know, although many years have passed, I haven’t become complacent.

"Maybe, glad I don’t live my life constantly watching for red flags in my relationship though.

🤷‍♀️"

That must be nice and smug for you. Hope it stays that way 🤷🏽‍♀️

I hope it’s for you.

100% this. ^ You are not helping @Floofer20 You are just making the OP feel worse. Is that your intention>>> ???

Repeated ones? I made one in reply to a poster who laughed and called me naive again because I think talking to your partner is better than not.

Honestly, I hope everything works out for the OP

I should imagine it’s going to be a really long week waiting OP. I hope you get a lovely surprise for your birthday xxx

Oh I really hope it's for you.
no way of logging into the shop website. you'll be able to see what it is, your size or not and delivery address etc.
wishing you all the best.