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Original poster

Possible Emma Thompson Moment

337 replies

MaybeAgain2023 · 06/07/2023 22:33

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

OP posts:
Libraryloiterer · 07/07/2023 10:18

gettingthethrow · 07/07/2023 10:13

When people say 'just ask him/her' in these situations, I find that baffling.

The essence of infidelity is deception. Asking this direct question guarantees a fail/fail outcome. If they aren't cheating, and you ask, you'll get a true answer, but the repercussions of asking that question of an innocent party might have serious consequences. If they are cheating, because infidelity is based on deception, you're extremely unlikely to get an immediate admission anyway.

It's a pointless question. In the case of suspected infidelity, the only sensible course of action is to be vigilant and investigate quietly.

Fail fail outcome, that's exactly it, well expressed.

Winter2020 · 07/07/2023 10:18

Hi OP,
Does your husband have any children? £200 could be a prom dress?

Hopelesslydevotedtoshrews · 07/07/2023 10:18

Everyone who has ever broken a bone, had an operation or recovered from a bad back or something gets a periodical reminder that they went through that. A stubbed toe, picked up too heavy a shopping bag etc. They serve as a reminder and a warning. This is what has happened to you now. An acute emotional injury that you have recovered from, but that doesn't mean it never happened.

I hope it turns out it was a gift for you. Will keep my 🤞🤞🤞. But even if it isn't you'll be ok OP.

lostinfusion · 07/07/2023 10:24

Is there any other birthdays around the time other than yours & OW's? his mum for example or maybe someone at work & there's been a whip around?

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 10:34

I'd wait until the OW's birthday had passed - around now surely, if OP's birthday has passed - then ask him about it. If the present was for OW, then he won't be able to produce it or pretend it's for OP's birthday. If it's for OP, then sure, you may have spoiled the surprise, but so what.

There's no way I could face dealing with something like this on my birthday, especially if there were other people present.

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 10:34

If OPs birthday is next week, I mean!

PurpleButterflyWings · 07/07/2023 10:35

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

Bonkers idea. All the husband will do is deny everything and say the gift is for her.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 10:39

We can get rid of every court of law in every land, according to @Floofer20’s logic.

Just ask the suspected crim if they did it…… 🫤

TheEponymousGrub · 07/07/2023 10:40

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 10:34

I'd wait until the OW's birthday had passed - around now surely, if OP's birthday has passed - then ask him about it. If the present was for OW, then he won't be able to produce it or pretend it's for OP's birthday. If it's for OP, then sure, you may have spoiled the surprise, but so what.

There's no way I could face dealing with something like this on my birthday, especially if there were other people present.

No, unfortunately OP still has to wait until her own birthday, because a lying H would say "Shame the surprise is spoilt but yes it was for you" - and then pop out and buy the same item again, with cash this time.

lostinfusion · 07/07/2023 10:42

I think OP definitely has to wait until her birthday, unless she doesn't really want to know

ChittyBangabang · 07/07/2023 10:43

Oh Op. What a predicament.

You sound incredibly sanguine, to your credit.

Good luck.

Sunnymummy8 · 07/07/2023 10:44

Really hope it isn’t and it’s a beautiful gift for you 😊

peachescariad · 07/07/2023 10:45

Make sure you screenshot the transaction.

PurpleButterflyWings · 07/07/2023 10:45

Hopelesslydevotedtoshrews · 07/07/2023 10:18

Everyone who has ever broken a bone, had an operation or recovered from a bad back or something gets a periodical reminder that they went through that. A stubbed toe, picked up too heavy a shopping bag etc. They serve as a reminder and a warning. This is what has happened to you now. An acute emotional injury that you have recovered from, but that doesn't mean it never happened.

I hope it turns out it was a gift for you. Will keep my 🤞🤞🤞. But even if it isn't you'll be ok OP.

That's actually a good analogy. I have been hurt by people in the past, and bad things have happened to me (some involving others who hurt me,) that took its toll on me at the time. I have healed/recovered, but something will jar me and bring it back up now and again... Doesn't mean I spend every day thinking about it, or am affected by it every day. It just means it happened, and it's still at the back of my mind, and it gets shoved to the front now and again.

When the trust is gone from ANY relationship though - when one of them does something 'wrong' it's never quite the same again. As a pp said, the broken teacup (and then repaired) analogy is an excellent example. Healed and repaired nicely, but with tiny little cracks that you can barely see and have hardly any effect on anything, but the cracks are still there.

The Emma Thompson scene is a heart wrencher. I know she is a bit of a luvvie, but I do love her. Amazing actress. Also, #sorrynotsorry, I think she is far more attractive than Alan Rickman's bit of stuff in the office. Much prettier. She does need to ditch that fugly grey skirt though. It's minging!

@MaybeAgain2023 I hope the gift is for you lovely. 😍

Dumbphone · 07/07/2023 10:48

gettingthethrow · 07/07/2023 09:58

I hope the purchase is for you @MaybeAgain2023 but if it isn't, have you thought about a contingency plan if you confront him? What if he says that he had bought this thing but changed his mind and returned it, for instance?

Absolutely this. Go through each and every scenario he could give:
leaving gift for someone at work
returned it
fraud(!)
for you for another date (anniversary etc)

I mean you can’t confront this until the day after your bday celebrations end, but I’d work out in each instance what you would need to see to put your mind at rest (I.e. work emails where a discussion was had about Joan’s leaving gift for example).

The fact is, if he’s having an affair he will find a way to cover it up. You’ll be unlikely to catch him physically red-handed so to speak over this.

SomePosters · 07/07/2023 10:55

fingers crossed this gift shows up on your birthday x

Edders71 · 07/07/2023 10:59

Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Are you aware of whether he is still in contact with her at all? Nine years is a long time, does she have another relationship now?

MMmomDD · 07/07/2023 11:02

@MaybeAgain2023

Foofer is naive about ‘if couples only talked’.

And - of course there is an argument for taking contour of the situation and telling him -
’’’ I may be spoiling the surprise but this is triggering me. So - I need to see your present to me’’’

And my first reaction to your post was that exact course of action. However, on reflection - you are being smarter by waiting.
Telling him won’t achieve anything - he will just tell you it IS for you. Regardless of who the intended recipient is.
Waiting to see is the smart move. Hard as it is - sending you a hug.

DrSbaitso · 07/07/2023 11:05

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

You would be a really crap secret agent.

OP, if you've had no other reason to think the worst, then try to hold it together. It could well be innocent. You're right that you'll always have to live like this, though, and I am sorry for what you're going through.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/07/2023 11:10

bump

Theimpossiblegirl · 07/07/2023 11:15

What a horrible waiting period, op.
I hope it's for you.

ScribblingPixie · 07/07/2023 11:19

Nine years is a long time, OP. Truly hoping this is your gift and your birthday becomes a milestone moment in your relationship. Good luck!

Squemers · 07/07/2023 11:23

Just ask him.

But be prepared for the answer.

PurpleButterflyWings · 07/07/2023 11:36

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/07/2023 11:10

bump

Why on earth have you 'bumped' this thread? Confused It was only 5 minutes since the last post! How odd.

3luckystars · 07/07/2023 11:37

Maybe it’s the new trend.

bump