Page 9 | Possible Emma Thompson Moment

MaybeAgain2023 · 2023-07-06T21:33:35+00:00

It’s my birthday next week 9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years. OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed. I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance. Feeling nervous

Gothambutnotahamster · 07/07/2023 13:44

MaybeAgain2023 · 07/07/2023 12:29

@letthatmango
absolutely spot on and thank you.

The truth is that after my initial nervousness I’m feeling ok and will push it to the back of my mind and enjoy the weekend.

After the affair I decided to focus on me and my life. If it happened again I didn’t want the interim years to feel like wasted years. We can’t control other people’s behaviour, only our own response to it. So although I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t be in the same situation again, I would be prepared and have a plan.

It’s reassuring to know, although many years have passed, I haven’t become complacent.

Absolutely spot on Op - great attitude and I'm sure it'll be for you! An early happy birthday to you!

Riverlee · 07/07/2023 13:45

Hopelesslydevotedtoshrews · 07/07/2023 10:18

Everyone who has ever broken a bone, had an operation or recovered from a bad back or something gets a periodical reminder that they went through that. A stubbed toe, picked up too heavy a shopping bag etc. They serve as a reminder and a warning. This is what has happened to you now. An acute emotional injury that you have recovered from, but that doesn't mean it never happened.

I hope it turns out it was a gift for you. Will keep my 🤞🤞🤞. But even if it isn't you'll be ok OP.

Good analogy.

Riverlee · 07/07/2023 13:50

Just a thought, how will you know whether it’s been given to ow or not? I guess if he has to work ‘extra hours’, ‘meet up with the lads’, ‘wears best clothes’ that day then it’s pretty obvious. However, if there’s no suspicious behaviour around the birthday date, or a couple of days either side, what are you going to do? You won’t know if it’s been given or not.

Will you then ask him about the ‘anomaly’ on your bank account? Maybe make noises about contacting the bank as you’ve got fraudulent activity on your account, been scammed etc?

Incognito2023 · 07/07/2023 13:57

@MaybeAgain2023 you sound incredibly calm and strong about this - I join all others on here hoping that your spidey senses are just working overtime and you get a lovely surprise on your birthday.

however- as you said you have zero tolerance this time, and are prepared to end things if need be…

Are you wondering if he may have got OW a retrospective/for ‘old times sake’ gift as it was her special number birthday, or are you thinking the affair may have restarted up again? And does it make a difference to you? Will that change your actions? Does a possible gift for sentimental reasons mean that he still has feelings for her, ie/ an emotional attachment even if there is no longer a physical affair - is that worse?

Sorry if this question is poking a wound - and obviously please don’t answer just to satisfy our morbid curiosity- but it may help to prepare you, to consider different scenarios

I’m sorry you are living though this - especially as you said things are good between you now. I genuinely hope this is just one more example of how hard it is to rebuild the trust, and that it all turns out well… 💐 We’re all rooting for you, x

Thatwouldbeme · 07/07/2023 16:16

If it's not for you, he's a git, if it is for you it's a nice surprise. Hope its the surprise

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 16:34

Are you wondering if he may have got OW a retrospective/for ‘old times sake’ gift as it was her special number birthday, or are you thinking the affair may have restarted up again? And does it make a difference to you?

To be honest I would absolutely not be cool about my DB blowing two hundred quid on a nostalgic gift for his ex-mistress either. Maybe not as bad as screwing her again, but still 100% out of order.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/07/2023 16:39

@MaybeAgain2023 I've had something like this- and I know exactly what you mean about it changes things- it's always kind of there in the background, just not mentioned- I hope it's all fine - xx

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 20:40

What is the point of you on this thread, @Floofer20 ?

You came on with a ‘God, isn’t it obvious what you should do’, inappropriate suggestion, and then added on a ‘why don’t couples just talk?’ kicker. Helpful?

This is a support thread, on the relationships board.

This an OP, who through no fault of her own is doing her best in a relationship where she was cheated on. She is carrying some pain. She is in a situation, and has reached out for support.

Everyone except you (and the person who posted ‘.’ and the insensitive people laughing over the stupid ‘bump’ post - WFT?) has been really supportive?

How hard is it?

If you can’t be, maybe head over to AIBU and see if there’s someone who’s down and needs a kicking over there.

Rosietheravisher · 07/07/2023 22:47

TheresBoozeInTheBlender · 07/07/2023 12:34

"Maybe, glad I don’t live my life constantly watching for red flags in my relationship though.

🤷‍♀️"

That must be nice and smug for you. Hope it stays that way 🤷🏽‍♀️

Meaning you don’t hope it stays that way at all. But @Floofer20 has a point.

op was so easily triggered which suggests that she still has some stuff to work through - regardless of her husband. I hope op will seek out some help and find someone to talk to. It is ok if there is some residual anger and grief to process. If she keeps putting a lid on it and saying it’s ok she might never really resolve this for herself and she deserves that peace of mind. As others have said being cheated on is so abusive and brutally damaging. 9 years sounds like a lot of time but the damage remains etched on the mind. Op needs to be really gentle with herself.

op, I think you should treat yourself to something nice. Don’t just rely on Dh’s presents. Buy yourself a present. Perhaps have a pamper day at a spa with a girlfriend. You really deserve it.

RatatouilleAndFeta · 07/07/2023 23:50

Gateappreciation · 07/07/2023 07:46

Hoping there’s an innocent (and nice) reason for the purchase.

Wonder when the writers (Richard Curtis?) and Emma Thompson filmed that scene, they realised how it would go down in history as a defining film moment.

What scene?‽!

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2023 00:12

It would be really nice and respectful to the op @RatatouilleAndFeta if you could just RTFT 🤷‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2023 00:33

Floofer20 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Why don’t you just ask him?
why would you wait around and worry about it for a week or more?

hey DP, I saw this purchase from X shop - something for my birthday?!

you will either find out it’s not for you or ‘ruin’ a surprise which has been ruined anyway by this wondering

honestly I don’t know why couples don’t just talk to each other.

Because he's unlikely to say "no darling, it's for Cynthia, you know the one I used to shag. Well happens that I've hopped on again for another go so I've brought her an expensive dress. You don't mind do you?"

HellonHeels · 08/07/2023 00:46

Rosietheravisher · 07/07/2023 22:47

Meaning you don’t hope it stays that way at all. But @Floofer20 has a point.

op was so easily triggered which suggests that she still has some stuff to work through - regardless of her husband. I hope op will seek out some help and find someone to talk to. It is ok if there is some residual anger and grief to process. If she keeps putting a lid on it and saying it’s ok she might never really resolve this for herself and she deserves that peace of mind. As others have said being cheated on is so abusive and brutally damaging. 9 years sounds like a lot of time but the damage remains etched on the mind. Op needs to be really gentle with herself.

op, I think you should treat yourself to something nice. Don’t just rely on Dh’s presents. Buy yourself a present. Perhaps have a pamper day at a spa with a girlfriend. You really deserve it.

Show quote history

A spa day?

Are you taking the piss?

Rosietheravisher · 08/07/2023 01:35

HellonHeels · 08/07/2023 00:46

A spa day?

Are you taking the piss?

Show quote history

What’s wrong with that? She needs to do something soothing for herself. Look, it’s just an example. It might be a weak one but you know what I am getting at.

if I was in op’s position I would seek counselling but I would also plan nice treats for myself that soothe the body and mind, good food. We don’t have to rely on men to make us feel good or validated. we can do that ourselves.

Riverlee · 08/07/2023 06:57

RatatouilleAndFeta · 07/07/2023 23:50

What scene?‽!

Show quote history

The scene (or scenes) where Emma Thompson discovers a box with beautiful jewellery in, and then on on Christmas day gets a similar sized box with a cd (?). No sign of the necklace. She knew then husband was having an affair.

Rosietheravisher · 08/07/2023 07:34

I had another thought, OP. Somewhere deep down you must fear that he had feelings for the ow otherwise why would you automatically go there? Even if the present turns out to be for you, you will still have to talk to your dh about this. Yes, you snooped but I would hope he would forgive you. After all, you forgave him for much more. And what he did has changed you so that you are now hypervigilant. If you can’t be open with each other about this then you should think about whether you really are as happy as you say, or whether that “happiness” has a cost for you. And if I you are willing to continue paying it.

Side note: in Love, Actually (a film written by a man) the ET character stoically bears her pain in silence, doesn’t have an outburst and then packs it neatly away when her husband releases himself from the sexy vixen to carry on their charade of a marriage, but we know that he has got a glimpse
of his power as an older successful man and will probably stray again. The film tells us that ET’s characters has incredible creative talents and is very intuitive but she is portrayed as a “frump”. A lesser actor in that role would have us all up in arms but ET is so intelligent that she fights this portrayal and wins, her integrity, beauty and strength shining though. She should have won an Oscar for that scene alone.

Theoldwoman · 08/07/2023 07:35

Stay strong OP x

MackenCheese · 08/07/2023 10:39

Riverlee · 08/07/2023 06:57

The scene (or scenes) where Emma Thompson discovers a box with beautiful jewellery in, and then on on Christmas day gets a similar sized box with a cd (?). No sign of the necklace. She knew then husband was having an affair.

Show quote history

Yes, she found the original box in her husbands pocket and was excited on Christmas day to discover that he'd bought her a cd and no sign of the jewellery. She went quietly to her room in agony. And then had to carry on with the kids and the rest of the day, smiling even though she knew what her husband had done.

powershowerforanhour · 08/07/2023 15:03

"Yes, you snooped but I would hope he would forgive you. "
OP didn't snoop or turn into Miss Marple as a PP snidely suggested. She came across the transaction whilst shifting money between accounts.

Nor, I would think, is she necessarily "easily triggered" , in denial, consciously or unconsciously miserably fretting about the past every second of the day and scrutinising her husband for 9 years for any tiny hint that he might be considering an affair.

Happening upon a £200 payment he made to a women's clothes shop whose wares OP has never bought, hasn't got a strong desire to buy and has never mentioned to her husband and worrying that something might be up considering his past actions, does not mean that OP is some sad, nervous wreck constantly imagining the worst all these years.

OP has said that for the past good while she has been happy with her relationship and leaping to insist that she can't really be and implying that she doesn't know her own mind is nasty, patronising and very, very sexist.

Doggymummar · 08/07/2023 15:06

Oof how worrying

LobsterCrab · 08/07/2023 15:11

Oh OP, I hope it's for you.

Doggymummar · 08/07/2023 15:11

What film are we referring to?

BadNomad · 08/07/2023 15:15

Doggymummar · 08/07/2023 15:11

What film are we referring to?

Good Luck to You, Leo Grande.

bookworm44 · 08/07/2023 15:39

I have everything crossed it's for you but it sounds as if you know what you need to do if it isn't.

GeriatricMumma · 08/07/2023 16:04

I'm invested now