Possible Emma Thompson Moment

[MaybeAgain2023]

It’s my birthday next week

9 years ago DH had a short affair. We worked through it and all has been fine for a number of years.

OW had a significant birthday this week. I’ve noticed a transaction on the online bank account, which I never look at (via PayPal which he rarely uses). This set my spidery senses going. It’s from a store I never shop at and I didn’t know that he knew it even existed.

I’m now waiting to see if this present materialises. If it doesn’t it’s a deal breaker. I’m on zero tolerance.

Feeling nervous

Hope you are having a great time OP - very relieved for you

Ahh enjoy!

Ahh the BEST update! Hope you have a wonderful night! ❤️

Super update, so happy for you

What a great update! Happy birthday!

Wonderful news, i'm so happy this had the best outcome. You must be so relieved 🥰

That's great news, go and have a lovely time!

Ps we need to see a photo of the frock.

Great news, and I'm glad the "ta-da!" moment was tonight so you can relax and enjoy the weekend and your birthday too.
Also- glad the dress was beautiful ;-)

Oh that’s lovely!! Clearly he’s tried really hard too!

Your update has made my day OP! And given me more hope for my future! Thank you for coming back with your good news.

I knew in my heart of hearts the present was not indicative that he was cheating. My guess was that he had bought something for himself (stationery or something - I had no idea what the site sells). But what was concerning to me was that op immediately questioned if he was cheating or not. After the affair ended 9 years ago...for me that was evidence of some residual doubt and fear that op needs to deal with. I still believe that.

It is almost as though many people think this was about whether or not dh was cheating. It isn't. It's about why the Op jumped to that conclusion so quickly.

Why does this give you hope for your future? Your dh is a completely different person to OP's. Just because OP's dh isn't cheating doesn't mean the same holds true for yours (don't get me wrong, I hope he isn't. I'm just interested in the weird logic.

Oh thanks!! I didn’t realise my DH was a different person to the OP’s, thank you so much for helpfully pointing that out. 🙄 You’re not really interested in my logic are you? Or understanding my or the OP’s situation or thought processes. You’re just interested in patronisingly demonstrating your superiority. Ok. Well done you. You’re perfect, we are not. Or whatever.

On the off chance you do actually want to know what I meant it’s that this thread makes a refreshing change from the standard MN bullshit mantra of “once a cheat always a cheat” as though you can encompass the whole of humanity in one simplistic phrase.

Your logic just didn't make sense to me. And still doesn't. And I have a right to say that. That it seems to touch a nerve for you is your issue not mine.

It doesn't make any difference to me whether anybody's husband cheated once or twice. I have been in the same situation myself. I forgave him, but I would never do that again because doing so undermined my self esteem whether I realised it at the time or not. For me the slogan once a cheat always a cheat is neither here nor there. It means that we focus more on the cheat and their actions than on ourselves. What matters is that the victim of that cheating is able to acknowledge and process the damage, heal and move on rather than sitting around waiting to see if the cheat is going to cheat again. Or not. Fuck that.

Hers was a completely normal reaction IMO.

When infidelity happens and trust is broken, whilst many may move forward, forgetting it has ever occurred isn't realistic.

That is the nature and damage that it does.

I would think it very strange for anyone to assert that although their partner had an affair they are 100% certain they never would again.

THAT would strike me as naive.

Of course you can hope that it won't happen again but to be 100% sure? Nope.

Things like serious illness, death, infidelity change a person.

The world and how you view your part in it, your confidence in it, changes.

The affair changed the OP forever, even though she has largely successfully moved on.

She wants to think well of her husband, and does, but that doesn't mean she has suspended her disbelief that her husband is ever capable of having an affair.

History has told her otherwise.

I'm delighted for the OP that her justifiable fear was not borne out.

I am genuinely interested to know why people are willing to live with that residual fear. I thought I could, but I can't. Cheating causes irreparable damage to a relationship, but the damage to one's heart and mind can be healed by moving on. I found real peace and happiness without the cheat. It's different approaches, isn't it? There is no right or wrong answer here. We each make a choice.

@Rosietheravisher I think that's a different question.

Many agree with you, but some believe they can forgive and move on.

But that doesn't mean you forget what happened, hence that say "to forgive but not forget".

Some are more able to move forward with a partner than others.

Neither are wrong.

But I agree with you, to live in huge fear of the next time would certainly not be any way to live if that were the case.

It's not "residual fear" as much as maturity and awareness. It is realising that these things do and can happen to anyone and with anyone. So it's not that she hasn't forgiven him or gotten over what happened, it's just that she has changed/grown and now sees the world differently. It's gaining a more realistically view of the world. It wouldn't matter who she was with, her outlook will be the same. People cheat. Being vigilant means the damage will less if it occurs because you haven't been completely blind sided and knocked off your axis by naivety. It's about protecting yourself. It's natural and normal.

Oh thank goodness!! 👏👏👏👏

"It's about why the Op jumped to that conclusion so quickly."
She didn't. Her first thought was that it was for her. Her very logical conclusion was "Likely a present for me, which will be proved by the appearance of the present. Alternative explanation if present not forthcoming - likely present for her".

Less likely that he'd bought a £200 dress for his aunt, or £200 worth of stationery (???) for himself. Granted the first post did not say that it was a womens' clothes shop... but when this information was added, you stuck to your guns that OP was being overly edgy about the whole thing and couldn't understand why other people might adapt their thinking in the light of new information.

You want to understand how people live with what in your mind was "residual fear" and can be happy without having to leave the cheater and move on as you did. OP explained this very well:

"Being aware is just how I am now, and I would be, whether I was still with him or had moved on."

It’s not “residual fear”, that implies living in a constant state of turmoil and if that’s how it was for you I’m not surprised you moved on, it’s never again having blind faith in another person - and it makes no difference whether that is in a rebuilt relationship with the old partner, or a new partner. It’s questioning things that you notice rather than just letting them go. It’s having a healthy level of skepticism and awareness. Which I’d say is advisable for anyone, in any relationship.

Really? That's normal? Genuine question, kindly meant. I would have expected OP, in the first instance, to automatically assume that the extra present was for OP and am genuinely curious as to why that wasn't the case after all those years of what she says is now a good relationship. Why does she still remember that the OW's birthday is a week before her own and that OP would buy a present for her? After 9 years. That doesn't sound like what you call maturity. It isn't immature, but...No matter how much you all try to explain it to me I just don't see what you see. I don't get it. But who cares if I get it or not? The drama is now over and if OP feels the need for outside help for unresolved issues I'm sure she'll seek it out.

So pleased to read that @MaybeAgain2023

Hope you had a good time. And that the dress is lovely!

Oh do fuck off with your patronising faux-innocent “kindly meant”. OP didn’t “assume” anything. She sensibly exhibited a healthy skepticism and waited to see. And posted for some support while waiting. If you have genuinely been cheated on and genuinely don’t find that that causes a lasting alteration in your outlook in any future relationship (with the same partner or a different one, because no one is immune) there’s probably no point me or anyone else trying to explain it further.

@Rosietheravisher I am happily reconciled but I see things differently and it’s nothing to do with not trusting my husband, feeling safe with him or holding onto the affair, it’s just I know what human beings are capable of. My naivety has just gone. My LIVED experiences make me see things differently.

There was a thread the other day on here about a husband and female friend stopping for an hour and a half at a service station. A friend of the wife had raised it as odd. The general feeling on the thread was of mirth at the idea that anyone could have sex in a service station in that time. Before being cheated on I would have laughed too. Now I know that it’s entirely plausible, as is having an affair entirely within working hours, while going on the daily dog walk, never going on ‘dates’ with the AP, never buying them gifts, burner phones, secret apps etc etc etc This thought process around that thread didn’t happen because I don’t trust my husband (it was nothing to do with him and his affair didn’t have long distance days out) it happened because I now know that it’s all possible. Who knows if this guy is having an affair but I certainly don’t have a naivety anymore. My view on this has changed.

@MaybeAgain2023 has had the same ‘awakening’ as myself, she is all to aware of how people can behave. In the case of the gift she knew that what she hoped for may not be the case because LIVED EXPERIENCE tells her that. She was careful and guarded and has an exit plan should she not be treated with the absolute respect she deserves. That’s a healthy response. The fact the OWs birthday is a week before her own and she remembers that is hardly proof of what you’re saying, jeez I have people I’m not close to, who remember my birthday and my childrens birthdays, just because of its proximity to their own. It happens all the time.

Sometimes we don’t need to instantly book more counselling or naval gaze when faced with a very obvious problem that we then deal with successfully and move on from as OP has.