Proposal - opinions

recentlyengaged · 2023-07-05T21:23:04+00:00

Hi, My partner recently proposed - unexpected but happy, we have been together a while and are expecting our first child! I can't help feeling a bit sad that my partner didn't mention to my Dad beforehand, this feeling is probably enhanced due to my Dad having lung c (but doing ok at the moment). I can't shake the feeling and feel a bit flat, but I know that I'm probably being totally unreasonable - do people still do that even these days or is it an old fashioned tradition? We've not told anyone yet. Thanks! x

Hohohoholidays · 05/07/2023 22:24

I wouldn't want my dad to be asked, I don't belong to him but it is very individual and I'm sure you'll also get posters coming along disagreeing with a proposal altogether!

Daffodil18 · 05/07/2023 22:28

Well if you haven’t told anyone yet, then tell your DP how you feel and that you would like him to ask your DF first before you tell anyone. You can’t turn back time but you want to feel it’s still special and I think that would be a good compromise. Your DP could say to him I wanted to ask but got caught up in asking you but before you make it official that he wants his blessing first.

Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:28

Hohohoholidays · 05/07/2023 22:24

I wouldn't want my dad to be asked, I don't belong to him but it is very individual and I'm sure you'll also get posters coming along disagreeing with a proposal altogether!

Thank you, this does help rationalise my thoughts as the exact thing did cross my mind when I was trying to clear my mind- not being owned etc!

I know everyone will have different views, not sure if it's my Dad's situation as well as pregnancy hormones maybe too! x

OP posts:

Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:29

Daffodil18 · 05/07/2023 22:28

Well if you haven’t told anyone yet, then tell your DP how you feel and that you would like him to ask your DF first before you tell anyone. You can’t turn back time but you want to feel it’s still special and I think that would be a good compromise. Your DP could say to him I wanted to ask but got caught up in asking you but before you make it official that he wants his blessing first.

Yes I was thinking something along these lines too, which I think deep down is why I've held off telling anyone!

You've worded this really well. Thanks x

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gogomoto · 05/07/2023 22:29

I wouldn't want my dad to be asked before me! It's not Victorian times

Groutyonehereagain · 05/07/2023 22:31

WTAF? Is this for real?

Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:32

gogomoto · 05/07/2023 22:29

I wouldn't want my dad to be asked before me! It's not Victorian times

I'm not sure I want him to be asked as such, but maybe given a heads up that he was planning to do it? I'm not sure if my Dads situation is playing in to things as I am overthinking every special moment; especially with me being pregnant and looking in to the future x

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vincettenoir · 05/07/2023 22:38

This tradition has been dying out since the 60s /70s and is sexist. But it’s still adhered to fairly regularly. Much like the FOTB giving her away.

But your feelings are valid and probably have a lot to do with your Dad’s current vulnerability.

But as it’s done now, the best thing is to recognise your feelings and move on. It might help to think of ways to include your Dad in the wedding. Maybe you can ask him to choose a reading / song for the ceremony. He could get involved in choosing menu etc. It sounds like you want him to be recognised and involved and you can definitely achieve that.

All the best for the big day.

StrawberryRainbows · 05/07/2023 22:38

I felt exactly the same as you when my DH proposed. I had him go and ask my dad first. Not that he required my dads permission as we were mid 30s, however I felt it was the principle around it.

StrawberryRainbows · 05/07/2023 22:39

Cultural factors were at play as well.

Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:40

StrawberryRainbows · 05/07/2023 22:38

I felt exactly the same as you when my DH proposed. I had him go and ask my dad first. Not that he required my dads permission as we were mid 30s, however I felt it was the principle around it.

Thank you. I was starting to worry about the post and expect a grilling given a response above!! I guess everyone has individual views around this and I'm not entirely sure what mine are or what's impacting them at the mo which doesn't help... yikes! Thanks for responding x

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Stickybackplasticbear · 05/07/2023 22:41

Jesus it's not the 19th century. Why would he ask your dad? You're not a possession.

cheshirebloke · 05/07/2023 22:41

Why would you want dp to ask your dad, are you under 18?

Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:53

vincettenoir · 05/07/2023 22:38

This tradition has been dying out since the 60s /70s and is sexist. But it’s still adhered to fairly regularly. Much like the FOTB giving her away.

But your feelings are valid and probably have a lot to do with your Dad’s current vulnerability.

But as it’s done now, the best thing is to recognise your feelings and move on. It might help to think of ways to include your Dad in the wedding. Maybe you can ask him to choose a reading / song for the ceremony. He could get involved in choosing menu etc. It sounds like you want him to be recognised and involved and you can definitely achieve that.

All the best for the big day.

Thank you. I found this really helpful/constructive.

I think there's more to this the more I reflect and I'm worrying about the future re my Dad etc and about the wedding itself and wanting to share all the special moments x

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Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:56

Stickybackplasticbear · 05/07/2023 22:41

Jesus it's not the 19th century. Why would he ask your dad? You're not a possession.

Not asking, more giving a heads up I was meaning.

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Original poster

recentlyengaged · 05/07/2023 22:57

cheshirebloke · 05/07/2023 22:41

Why would you want dp to ask your dad, are you under 18?

I didn't mean asking for permission, I probably didn't word the post well. I just meant giving him a heads up x

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Dery · 05/07/2023 23:03

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Sorry your father is suffering at the moment.

But why would your fiancé give your father a heads-up before asking you? I think that would be really disempowering to you. It’s a major life decision which affects you most of all. You should be the first to know about it! And in fact if you look at Jane Austen (eg Pride & Prejudice / Sense & Sensibility etc), the woman receives the proposal first and then the father’s permission is sought (not needed in this case obviously). You’re a person, OP, not a possession.

Loyalty · 05/07/2023 23:09

I think the cancer is affecting your processing.
Yoi getting married is between your DH to be and you, he doesn’t need to give your dad the heads up. Did you tell your parents before your started TTC?

Mari9999 · 05/07/2023 23:16

@recentlyengaged
It seems a bit odd to expect someone to ask your dad for your hand in marriage when you are already expecting jis child. To what exactly would your dad be saying yes..it seems that all of the giving and taking has pretty much occurred

I am assuming that you are both living together and pregnant. None of those things would typically have been true during the period when asking for a hand in marriage would have been the custom.

Women today tend not to think of themselves as a possession that one man gives to another man.

Let your dad look forward to the arrival of a.new grandchild. I think that it is a bit anticlimactic to want to trot out old traditions under the circumstances. If you want to involve your father in a process , why not involve him in something related to upcoming birth of your child. You could give him the honor of naming your first child. In some cultures, it is a family elder or grandparent who chooses the name of the first born child.

HerMammy · 05/07/2023 23:19

I think the fact you're pregnant and live together it's a bit past the checking with dad stage 🤣

TheFlis12345 · 05/07/2023 23:20

On Mumsnet it is regarded as horrific and archaic to ask for a father’s blessing 🙄

In the real world, 95% of people I know asked, and my DH knew I absolutely would not accept a proposal without my father’s blessing.

Sparkl · 05/07/2023 23:23

I wouldn’t marry anyone who asked my father before they asked me. I know people like ‘traditions’ but some of them I honestly can’t understand what value people see in them.
Really.
What is better about your partner asking your father if he can marry you instead of asking you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2023 23:31

I once asked my dad what he’d do if a man ever asked him if they could marry me. He said he’d say no because no man who deserved me would discuss it with him instead of me.

You’re pregnant, he presumably didn’t ask your dad before that happened?

You're repeating that it’s not to ask permission so then what on Earth is the point? Why would he tell your dad instead of talking to you? I really don’t get it, sorry.

You’re getting married, you’re having a baby, tell people and celebrate these happy events, even more so given the sadness of your father’s illness!

You should both tell him your happy news, I’m sure he’ll be delighted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2023 23:32

TheFlis12345 · 05/07/2023 23:20

On Mumsnet it is regarded as horrific and archaic to ask for a father’s blessing 🙄

In the real world, 95% of people I know asked, and my DH knew I absolutely would not accept a proposal without my father’s blessing.

Do you live in the U.K. or another developed nation in 2023?

Mari9999 · 05/07/2023 23:33

@TheFlis12345
Just curious , would you have asked your father's bl
blessing or approval prior to getting pregnant?

If you are essentially living the life of a married couple and having a child together , what exactly is there left for him to approve? What if dad thinks that your partner is a jerk, can he decline to approve? If dad say that he does not approve, what then happens ?