Proposal - opinions

[recentlyengaged]

Hi,

My partner recently proposed - unexpected but happy, we have been together a while and are expecting our first child!

I can't help feeling a bit sad that my partner didn't mention to my Dad beforehand, this feeling is probably enhanced due to my Dad having lung c (but doing ok at the moment).

I can't shake the feeling and feel a bit flat, but I know that I'm probably being totally unreasonable - do people still do that even these days or is it an old fashioned tradition?

We've not told anyone yet.

Thanks! x

In the UK, Home Counties to be specific, and it’s absolutely still the done thing in my circle and broader groups I know.

Oh that was in reply to @AnneLovesGilbert , quoting didn’t work for some reason.

Hard to say, children were not a consideration for us. It would be unusual in my circle to have children pre marriage anyway and in the couple of times friends have, the guys have still asked for the parents blessing before proposing.

I don’t know any situations where a father has said no. I know one where he was quietly reluctant and with good reason. That marriage barely lasted a year (the couple were not at all matched).

You aren't your father's chattel so why should he be consulted first before you? There are only two people getting married and your dad isn't one of them!

I know it's "traditional" but it's a sexist and infantalising tradition. Like women can't think for themselves so men make the important decisions.

Did your partner ask your dad's permission to get you pregnant outside marriage? If not it just seems a bit ridiculous to consult him post-impregnation about a marriage proposal. A father is far more likely to have strong feelings about the former than the latter.

A bit harsh as her father has c and could use something to look forward to rn 😕

Precisely

He can look forward to the wedding and celebrating the engagement with them! I hope he does. I may be a feminist but I don't have a heart of stone!

Bit nuts to get all trad about asking your dad when you weren't even expecting to get married even though your pregnant. You can't be that modern independent woman one minute and your dads property to be given to a husband the next. I can't be doing with the sexist nonsense around proposals full stop. You're clearly in a 21stC relationship so don't apply 19thC rules to it now.

Also - congratulations (on baby and engagement), and sorry about your dad. Sure he'll be overjoyed for you.

I think for a lot of people is f fashioned and goes back to a time your father, essentially, owned you.

And no one ever seems to care about asking/giving the heads up to the mother. I have no idea of Ops relationship with her mother not speaking about this Op specifically. But it's extremely rare anyone wants their Mums to weigh in, unless the Dad is out of the picture or deceased. So I think its often really disrespectful to the mother.

A man showing that he values his, potential, future wife's opinion as the first and most important opinion, is a good thing imo.

The other thing is that it doesn't make sense. There's very few people who would turn down a proposal because their Dad wasn't happy about it. And it's expected the Dad keep his opinion to himself, if he doesn't approve. So I feel its pointless. You are involving someone and asking for their opinion (even if it's giving a heads up you are expecting an opinion) knowing they probably won't freely give it. That's not respect to anyone. Again, in my opinion.

I get there's a further complication of your father's illness. You want the special moments. But it will just as special if you tell him together. You will see his reaction first person.

On the other hand, it's not something that bothers me so much it I would judge someone for it.

I don't think the figures are anywhere near 95% of men doing this. But I would agree the amount of people doing it is fairly high.

My Dad is like the PPs. He wouldn't have been impressed by someone who wanted to ask or inform him first. It would have gone even worse if they just approached him and not my mum. And my Dad is from a culture where it is quite common. But he has always hated it too.

I have two sisters. We were at sister 1's wedding when sister 2's partner felt inspired to ask my dad whether he had his 'blessing' to propose so sister 2 soon. Dad was visibly baffled by this - he did not know what to say
I asked him about it later and he just stated that she is an adult woman, therefore it's her choice and none of his business

I would find it utterly bizarre if a partner of mine did ask my dad tbh. I'm not a child, incapable of making my own choice, or a possession to be given away from one man to another.

My husband didn't ask my dad. It never occurred to me that he would. He did explain afterwards if he did ask my dad, he would have told my mum. My mum would have let on and totally ruined the surprise for me, because that's the sort if person she is.
That he understood all this about me and our family dynamics made me even more sure I had chosen the right person.

As PP have said, this tradition dates back to a time when women were essentially possessions of their fathers - then their husbands when they married.

I like to think we've come quite long way from there. Maybe your fiancé has the same opinion!

OP I’m sorry your dad isn’t well and hoping he has a full recovery.

My partner spoke to my parents before asking me and I felt really relieved that he did. I completely agree with others that I’m not my dad’s possession but I definitely hold traditional values so appreciated that touch. However, I know many people don’t feel the same and do see it as outdated. He may have worried you’d feel disrespected if he had spoken to your dad first. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be disappointed and I imagine hormones plus worry about your dad’s health are also influencing your feelings. I also agree with a previous suggestion, asking your partner to speak to your dad, with you, retrospectively and get a blessing that wsy would be a lovely compromise ❤️

Feel the need to comment after all the "independent women" have spoken up.
Yes it's an old fashioned tradition, but I would have felt the same way as you if my now DH didn't approach my dad before.
He arranged a golf day for them both and my dad really appreciated the effort involved and it's a memory for them both.
It was actually my first question to my DH after I said yes if he asked my dad because it was important to me.

If it's something that is bothering you be honest with your now fiancé (congrats!) because that's what relationships are all about. X

I'd have felt the same way. It was important to me that my dad was given a heads up (not asked) beforehand. Different strokes for different folks!

I proposed to my now-husband. He'd have had me sectioned if I'd given his dad (or his mum) a headsup! And furious because his family are nosy bastards at the best of times.
But seriously
It sounds like you feel very tender about your dad right now . Maybe it would feel special for him to be the first person to hear the happy news?
And congratulations OP.

I find it odd that you want the 'tradition' of your fiancé speaking to your DF but don't care about the 'tradition' of waiting get married before you get pregnant....
.

Ugh ignore the old maids moaning about sexism. If it's important to you then speak to him about it.

I'd reject any partner who talked to my dad about marriage and engagement, as if my dad needed to know or had any say in the matter. It's rooted in some of the worst aspects of misogyny and sexism and I won't have any part in it. Fortunately I can't imagine my current DP doing anything so monumentally daft.

It might be that your DP has similar views on it as a tradition, or thinks you might. So check with him. If he also thinks it's misogynist twaddle he might be reluctant to talk to your father. If he held off because he was unsure of your views, he'll probably quite happily go and talk to him. Either way, I wouldn't let it mar your view of the proposal. I think it's a good thing your partner has moved into the 21st century.

I wish my husband had asked my dad. Dad would have got a great laugh out of that. My husband didn’t really ask me either, I’m one of those feminists that apparently annoy so many on this thread because we discussed it together and decided. Had a baby beforehand as well (because despite what they’ll have you believe on this board, if you’re financially independent marriage doesn’t matter).

However that’s me, not you. Talk to your fiancé, maybe you can both tell your dad together so he’s first to know, and it’s ok if this speaking to your father first was important to you. Your fiancé probably thought he was doing the right thing by you. I hope you have a smooth pregnancy, a beautiful marriage and your dad is ok.

Imagine he had asked your dad but then you said no!! How humiliating for him!

The whole family would know and maybe on your back to accept!

I personally would not like a potential husband to ask my dad. What's it got to do with him? However my son did ask his future FIL his "permission". Which really supposed me in this day and age. Luckily my DIL to be said yes.

I think your hormones and worry about your dad are making you feel "flat". I would do what a PP suggested and ask him to tell/ask your dad first before letting anyone else know.

Good luck with the pregnancy and wedding, this feeling will pass I'm sure. :)

It is horrific and archaic. Why your dad and not your mum? Best friend? Sibling?

The thought that anyone would go to my dad before me to discuss us getting married is ridiculous.

Given you’re pregnant and living together,it seems silly to me to be clinging on to some old traditions when you’re clearly in a modern relationship

Maybe your dad can do a reading or something as someone suggested though

You're getting married and are having a baby, congratulations!!!

Bluntly, if you're looking for tradition, what you're looking for is the term shotgun marriage, you being pregnant already...

You're pregnant before marriage, presumably cohabiting (or historically 'living in sin', that kinda negates the 'asking for my father's permission' thing.

FWIW I had one kid before marriage, I proposed to him, then another after, my bff's dh asked her dad in advance.

@Ragwort always one that says something like this. It's no more odd than celebrating Christmas if you don't go to church every Sunday. Of course traditions can be picked and chosen - just because she wants her father in the loop for a proposal doesn't mean she has to strictly follow every tradition that exists 😂