Page 4 | Proposal - opinions

recentlyengaged · 2023-07-05T21:23:04+00:00

Hi, My partner recently proposed - unexpected but happy, we have been together a while and are expecting our first child! I can't help feeling a bit sad that my partner didn't mention to my Dad beforehand, this feeling is probably enhanced due to my Dad having lung c (but doing ok at the moment). I can't shake the feeling and feel a bit flat, but I know that I'm probably being totally unreasonable - do people still do that even these days or is it an old fashioned tradition? We've not told anyone yet. Thanks! x

Mari9999 · 07/07/2023 00:30

@applesandmares
I agree that the tradition is archaic and represents a time when women were treated and viewed as possessions to be given and sometimes bartered away.
I think some people try to make incremental changes and because they do not view themselves as chattel or possessions they are not offended by the origins of the tradition.

I am less offended by the "giving away" language in a ceremony than I am by bridal showers ( hens do )for people who have been living together , have furnished a home, and often times have several children together.

It is such a thwarted practice, that is in no way tied to the
reasons and origins of the tradition, and Is just a blatant gift grab attempt.

Very few of the traditional practices related to weddings same to have any real meaning. In some instances doing away with archaic practices that reflects the marginalization of women is a good thing. Some of the other traditions have been so bastardized as to be meaningless.

ManAboutTown · 07/07/2023 07:45

I've proposed just the once.

It was accepted - I told her Dad and she told her Mum at the same time. Then we rang my folks

Seemed to work

BeautifulWar · 07/07/2023 07:49

Sorry to sound harsh under the circumstances, but did he ask your dad before he impregnated you?

Times have moved on, you're not your father's property, you are a valid person in your own right, with your own free will.

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 07:51

applesandmares · 06/07/2023 16:27

The people who think it's sexist, misogynistic etc - did anyone walk you down the aisle to 'give you away'? Or did you walk yourself? Because I've never seen a woman walk down by herself 🤔

I don’t just think it is sexist and misogynistic, it absolutely is. If it wasn’t then women would be going to their boyfriends mother and asking for permission to marry him, but they don’t do they. And no sorry to disprove the point you seem to be trying to make but no, I did not allow myself to be “given away” and nobody walked me down the aisle, because I was born in 1970 not 1770 and I am not somebody’s property. It makes me weep that so many women on this thread think there is nothing wrong with this. Seems like we are doomed to be the inferior sex forever.

applesandmares · 07/07/2023 08:12

@Aprilx hang on, why do you draw the line at proposal etiquette & aisle walks and not marriage as an institution, which is historically marred with sexism and misogyny? If you are someone that takes real issue with the history of a tradition, why are some acceptable to you, and some make you want to weep?

Bloodyleaverspartybollocks · 07/07/2023 08:16

When me and DH decided to get married he rang my Parents when I was in my way over for a visit and "asked" my dad.

I obviously knew he was doing this
It wasn't about belonging but it was something nice for my parents and they were so excited when I turned up there.
He then proposed in front of my parents & DD who was only 5 at the time so it was super cute. Obviously that was panned by us too.

guineacup · 07/07/2023 12:10

StrawberryRainbows · 05/07/2023 22:38

I felt exactly the same as you when my DH proposed. I had him go and ask my dad first. Not that he required my dads permission as we were mid 30s, however I felt it was the principle around it.

What "principle" are you referring to?

Unless you believe in the principle that your father has the right to determine your marriage, this is merely an antiquated tradition along the lines of the FOTB giving you away or dressing in white to indicate "purity" (my Dad continues to believe that second marriage brides shouldn't be dressed in white as they are no longer "pure".)

guineacup · 07/07/2023 12:12

TheFlis12345 · 05/07/2023 23:20

On Mumsnet it is regarded as horrific and archaic to ask for a father’s blessing 🙄

In the real world, 95% of people I know asked, and my DH knew I absolutely would not accept a proposal without my father’s blessing.

Your "real world" isn't the world most people inhabit!

guineacup · 07/07/2023 12:19

Dery · 06/07/2023 08:24

In any case, if you look at what happens in Jane Austen, the marriage proposal is made to the woman first and then parental approval is sought.

Absolutely, even if you wanted to adhere to this 19th century tradition, the man proposes first, is accepted, and THEN gets permission from her father!

You're making up a tradition that's even more backward and sexist than in Jane Austen's times!

monsteramunch · 07/07/2023 12:26

@TheFlis12345

In the real world, 95% of people I know asked, and my DH knew I absolutely would not accept a proposal without my father’s blessing.

When you step back and think about it though, don't you think it's utterly bizarre for people to ask one of their partners parents' blessing, rather than asking neither or asking both?

It's really odd to only ask for the blessing the parent who happens to have a penis regardless of whether the other parent is closer to their child / more involved etc.

It's one of those things people do 'just because' but on reflection, can you see why people think it's sexist?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/07/2023 12:36

Ah OP, that's a shame. I understand where you're coming from.

It wouldn't bother me no. But my partner lost his dad several years ago. He's already said it's important he asks my dads permission.

Definitely talk to him.

Notellinganyone · 07/07/2023 12:57

Patriarchal bullshit OP. You don’t belong to your father.

GreyCarpet · 07/07/2023 12:59

I wasn't my dad's property for him to warrant being asked!

My exh didn't ask dad and, if I'd found out he had, I wouldn't have said yes.

Now if my current partner told children first and asked what they thought, I'd be ok with that. But the only person I need permission from to marry is me!

guineacup · 07/07/2023 13:45

I'm not sure I want him to be asked as such, but maybe given a heads up that he was planning to do it?

It's bizarre to me how this is attempting to be justified. Would you normally expect
your partner to give you Dad the "heads-up" about significant milestones in your relationship!

Did he give your Dad a heads-up before he first had sex with you?
Did you give his Dad the heads-up before you told your partner you were pregnant?

It's so weird, especially as asking your father BEFORE proposing is NOT EVEN THE TRADITION!

guineacup · 07/07/2023 13:47

And imagine giving your Dad the heads-up only for you to say "No!" 😂

TheFlis12345 · 07/07/2023 14:58

monsteramunch · 07/07/2023 12:26

@TheFlis12345

In the real world, 95% of people I know asked, and my DH knew I absolutely would not accept a proposal without my father’s blessing.

When you step back and think about it though, don't you think it's utterly bizarre for people to ask one of their partners parents' blessing, rather than asking neither or asking both?

It's really odd to only ask for the blessing the parent who happens to have a penis regardless of whether the other parent is closer to their child / more involved etc.

It's one of those things people do 'just because' but on reflection, can you see why people think it's sexist?

that didn’t really apply in my situation. My DH actually asked both my parents together because “I knew you wanted me to ask your dad but we both know who really wears the trousers” 🤣

toottootmummy · 07/07/2023 15:07

My DH asked my dad before proposing and I believe my dad very much appreciated it, it was the done thing in his generation.
I'm very much my own person, was mid 30s totally independent of my parents when he proposed.
It's not for everyone but it was nice for us. My DH and DF get on well now and perhaps this discussion before proposing may have laid a good foundation for their relationship going forward.

applesandmares · 07/07/2023 20:50

@guineacup not sure what's bizarre about giving your parents the heads up about milestones. I specifically told my partner not to let my mum know if he was ever to propose because I knew she'd spoil any surprise for me, but I wanted him to let my dad know. I also gave my parents the heads up that we would be trying for a baby. I don't think that's particularly unusual!

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 07/07/2023 21:38

Both of our sons in law spoke to DH and me together to let us know they were planning to propose. They weren't asking permission, simply doing us the courtesy of paying lip service to tradition and we were very touched to be taken into their confidence. Family is very important to both our DDs and they were equally touched that their partners had confided in us.

Artemi · 08/07/2023 04:54

applesandmares · 06/07/2023 16:27

The people who think it's sexist, misogynistic etc - did anyone walk you down the aisle to 'give you away'? Or did you walk yourself? Because I've never seen a woman walk down by herself 🤔

DH and I walked in side by side together.
Absolutely no fucking way would I have been "given away" either

BlackPetals · 08/07/2023 05:08

I wouldn't marry anyone who thought someone else has a say in the decision about who I choose to legally join myself with.

Does tradition actually matter to you since you're unmarried and pregnant?

daisychain01 · 08/07/2023 05:17

So you want two men to have the power to discuss your future by one asking the other for permission to take you of their hands. Riiiiight.

honestly, I've heard it all now. Thank goodness we have women like you to keep the patriarchy alive, kicking and thriving. How utterly tragic for you that they didn't get the chance to exert their control.

CapEBarra · 08/07/2023 05:59

My (now ex) boyfriend proposed to me when I was 27. I’d been living away from home for 9 years, owned my own flat and car, and had a great job. It would have been weird to have needed my father’s blessing.

guineacup · 08/07/2023 06:41

applesandmares · 07/07/2023 20:50

@guineacup not sure what's bizarre about giving your parents the heads up about milestones. I specifically told my partner not to let my mum know if he was ever to propose because I knew she'd spoil any surprise for me, but I wanted him to let my dad know. I also gave my parents the heads up that we would be trying for a baby. I don't think that's particularly unusual!

Well I think it's incredibly weird to me to effectively tell your DP:

"I'm ready to marry you and would say 'yes' if you asked me, but when you've worked out how you feel about me, and decided you want to commit to me, don't tell me of your life-changing decision first, tell my Dad." Just why?

guineacup · 08/07/2023 06:50

applesandmares · 07/07/2023 20:50

@guineacup not sure what's bizarre about giving your parents the heads up about milestones. I specifically told my partner not to let my mum know if he was ever to propose because I knew she'd spoil any surprise for me, but I wanted him to let my dad know. I also gave my parents the heads up that we would be trying for a baby. I don't think that's particularly unusual!

Telling your parents that you're trying for a baby may not have been something I chose to do, but I can understand that some people might.

It's giving parents the "heads-up" before you've had that conversation (such as a proposal) that's the bizarre thing imo. Using your analogy, it's like giving your dad the "heads-up" that you're going to try for a baby before you've talked it through with your DP!

And then you talking to his dad about it after you'd had the conversation, only for his dad, "yes, I already know!... he told me you would be trying for a baby last week, and we had a beer to celebrate!"