By the time I go to bed tonight I'll know whether my marriage is over...

[FAQ]

and am dreading it. DH and I are going to "chat" tonight about what is going to happen.

I want to go back to Relate and reach a compromise on the things which are causing the issues - before I went away he told me point blank he wouldn't go back.

I need to explain to him that me doing things "his way" - wouldn't actually stop the arguments/stop me getting frustrated but actually make it worse

If he still refuses to even consider compromises then we'll be finished .

Really dreading it (the chat) and wish I was still back up in Edinburgh.

Poor you. If he does refuse to meet you halfway, what will happen? He leave, you leave?

I'll leave - I know everyone will say I should stay here - but I can't see myself living in "our" house if we've split up - just wouldn't be able to cope IYKWIM.

Wouldn't move out straight away - probably be here until around Easter by which time I should have got the money through from my Granddad's estate (which will be enough to pay off my Credit Card and put down deposit on a flat/house to rent and get a bit of furniture together etc. Also will (hopefully) have found a job by then and also have had time to sort out childcare etc.

Sounds like you've thought it through. Have you shared your plans with your husband? Maybe having you sit and go through your departure plan will give him a jolt?

I hope you can reach a compromise FAQ. Don't know the background. Would a temporary separation be a solution?

You sound like you're head is screwed on and have thought of a good plan.

No - those plans will be discussed tonight (presuming he doesn't say that he'll go back to Relate before I get to that stage).

Bumper - I'm hoping that if we did split it will only be temporary - before I went away he did admit that he did want me to stay (previously he refused to answer yes or no, only saying that he wanted the DS's here). But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

It sounds awful for you FAQ.

Do you not think though that it would be easier on the children to stay where you are? IIRC you live near the school. It will be a terrible upheaval for them. Presumably the house would be too big for your DH on his own.

He should be the one to go and get a flat! (IMHO)

Hope you are OK.

FAQ wishing you strength and hope it all goes well tonight.....am in similar position.

thing is collision - if we do split - and it becomes permanent - neither of us could afford to keep this house - so it would have to be sold so a move would be unavoidable.

Sometimes you need a break from each other to realise what you get from the other person. You are dealing with it well though. I really hope things work out for the best for you.

and also I know that if I stay here in the house I wouldn't be able to move forward - we bought this house together (ok the mortgage etc are in his name - but we chose it together and it would be a constant reminder of what could still have been). Really don't think I'd be able to cope with that.

FAQ, hope you are OK
I know the last time we posted together, you and I didn't see eye to eye, but I do hope things get better for you soon.

Oh, bummer! Thought you rented for some reason.

Yep, better to move and get the boys settled somewhere new.

This could be the jolt your H needs TBH. Does he want to be a weekend Dad and take them to McDonalds and the park??

how do you feel about him?

lol Wotzonked - I don't really look at the posters names when I'm having disagreements on here - I could be arguing with you on another thread right now (I'm know I'm not as I'm only on about 3 current threads) and I wouldn't know it was you.

no - haven't rented since 2001!

I don't know what he wants - not sure he did before I went away - and will find out tonight if he's got any idea yet!

I do still love him (I think) last week was lovely - the DS's and I had a great time - but it was strange doing all that stuff without him - felt like there was someone missing IYKWIM. At the same time it was great to be able to do my own thing without having to think whether it was going to cause a disagreement..

Be strong for tonight and make sure that any decisions that are made are what you want.

I really feel for you but I do know you have had problems for a while and maybe this is the kick he needs.

Horrible situation though.

thanks - have already warned my good friend that there is a risk I may be knocking on her door at some point this evening in floods of tears......

This time last year when we nearly split he waited until it was almost too late before agreeing to Relate (I'd put a deposit down on a house to rent and was gathering bits and pieces together) - but I need to make sure he knows that if he doesn't agree now to Relate the split will still happen. I'm not having him messing me around like that again.

anyhow - better go and do some RL stuff....

oh dear - DS1 not happy - he was looking forward to playing PS2 with daddy this afternoon - but no sign of him getting back from work yet......

when is he due home ?

Have you seen him since you got back, or will tonight be teh 1st time.

I hope it all works out for you QoQ.

FAQ I mean....

saw him last night - he picked us up from the bus station - spent a short while playing with the DS's - and then he got them up this morning. We went to church and he went out to work to "do a couple of hours".......well it's now 2.40 and he's still not in - looks like he's going to work until the call centre closes (4pm) - DS1 won't be happy .

is he home yet?

I hope its good news tonight...

not really sure what to say FAQ but just wanted to you to know there is moral support here when you need it xxxx

well not good news I'm afraid.

Just had a very calm discussion with him. He says he wants us to stay together - as he (also) thinks that we could get back to how it used to be. However, he says we will only go back to Relate if HE thinks it's necessary - which he doesn't. Told him that it was Relate or we would split. And that was about it really. Interrupted him slightly to say that really if his answer to Relate (or other marriage counseling) was "no" then there was nothing more to discuss. He didn't try and continue. .

He's going out tonight (just across the road to the Polish bloke that lives opposite) so I'm hoping that he'll think about it then and realise I'm serious. I'll give him a couple of days to change his mind - but not going to give him as long as he had last time (when I'd already paid the deposit for a house to rent!).

He doesn't seem to "hear" what I'm saying. I just hope that (presuming he doesn't change his mind in the next few days) when we do split it's only temporary.