By the time I go to bed tonight I'll know whether my marriage is over...

[FAQ]

and am dreading it. DH and I are going to "chat" tonight about what is going to happen.

I want to go back to Relate and reach a compromise on the things which are causing the issues - before I went away he told me point blank he wouldn't go back.

I need to explain to him that me doing things "his way" - wouldn't actually stop the arguments/stop me getting frustrated but actually make it worse

If he still refuses to even consider compromises then we'll be finished .

Really dreading it (the chat) and wish I was still back up in Edinburgh.

oh dear

still all on his terms, and what he thinks is best.

am sorry , FAQ

and if i had had a big talk with DH about whether our marriage was going to continue or not, and he then went out to a mates , i would really lose my temper..... surely you should be talking more together?

this is an enormous decision, a bigturning point. Am on your behalf that he has gone for a night out despite the seriousness of the situation

Sorry you are dealing with this FAQ

FAQ

Hope he realises Relate's the way forward.

actually I'm rather pleased he's going out (was pre-arranged and he did suggest we talked it over tomorrow instead of tonight)........when he HIS now taking the day off.....see my posts on the Dyson thread to know why I'm about that).

TBH I think if he stayed in one (or both) of us could continue trying to debate things out and it would turn into a row. I've already got it clear in my mind that it's Relate so that we can (hopefully) reach a compromise or a split. I think we could talk until we're blue in the face but it wouldn't make him decide to go back to Relate.

I shall use the opportunity to watch the ER episode on 4onDemand which I missed while at my brother's and ermm.......sit on my ar*e for the rest of the night

fair enough

and actually if he hadn't planned to go out already then I would more than likely have gone round to my friend's house for the evening - I had pre-warned her that I may turn up just for a shoulder to cry on and some space from DH.

FAQ: will support you 100% here, so what follows is only trying to help. Can I just try to put forward your DH's possible point of view? (A technique my late Dad taught me and has helped me loads in various situations)....
Maybe his saying "we'll only go to Relate if I think it's necessary" is, from his perspective, no different from your saying "I'll only get back with you IF we go to Relate".
Maybe this Polish chap is a great mentor and will help him work through his issues? Or maybe the whole situation is doing his head in, and he needs a bit of respite. Yes, he might just be an selfish bastard, who refuses to go to Relate because it would be uncomfortable, and he might prefer to go across the road to drink vodka than face the music. But you need to consider all the possibilities. For me the bottom line would be "do I still love him, do I still want him (and vice versa) and can we find a way we both agree with to try to put things right".

(sorry, cross posted, wasn't ignoring what you'd just written)

PMSL @ Polish bloke being a good mentor - he's a complete p*sshead that got thrown out of 3 bars the first night he invited DH to go out drinking with him (as he was groping every woman that walked through the door!!!. Then a few weeks later (when DH had stopped going out drinking with him because of the issue mentioned above) we were woken at 2am by him being escorted home in the police van........

I'm 99.99% certain he needs the respite and he's not going there for mentoring

I do still love him, and I do still want him.....but not this way IYKWIM.

Sorry.

He is a selfish selfish man.

I would have thought the week away would have made him realise that his bullying behaviour had to stop, but it seems it continues.

Do you really love him, or is it that you're afraid of being without him?

Sorry if this offends. I have followed your story all along, under your (and my own) various name changes & my opinion is still the same. He needs a serious wake up call & you need to make him see that you won't wait about until he decides what he wants.

Oh FAQ, so hard for you. So, you still love him, still want him, but need to sort out the stuff that isn't working. You think you can do that by going to Relate, he wants to sort it out too but doesn't want to go to Relate. Any chance you can work out the compromises on your own? Perhaps writing it down rather than talking about it, at least as a starting point? Remind each other before you start that compromise is a two-way thing. If you both really love each other and want to get back together, then you need to try to avoid point scoring and proving that either one of you is right or wrong. Dead easy for me to say of course, not being in that position!

BTW, if I was in that position, I'd be off getting pissed with the Polish chap across the road to escape from the pain of it all, so don't be too hard on your DH in that respect.

(sorry, haven't been following previous threads so possibly completely out of touch here. Ignore if so)

ladette - I'm not bothered at all by him going out - I've just had an awesome week in Edinburgh (including one FANTASTIC night out on the p*ss) so I can hardly begrudge him a drink when we're going through this.

WoS - yes I know - that's why this time if by the end of this week he's still refusing to go to Relate ASAP (ie once we have some money) then we will split up. If AFTER we've split up he decides he wants to go to Relate and proves to me he's serious then I'll happily go back.

I don't think I'm too concerned about not being with him - although I was staying with my brother in Edinburgh most days it was me on my own, making my own decisions, doing our own thing and (for me) it was a proving ground for myself that I COULD do it on my own.

I've said all along I'm no way "innocent" in all of this, but at the same time he's not guilt free either. But he doesn't seem to see it that way......I don't want to point score - I want to sort it out, and I know that if we do sort it out I'm going to have to compromise along the way - which I'm very willing to do - just not to the extent where I have no real say in anything

FAQ...thinking of you........sending you hugs.

Remember that you have my e-mail and mobile no if you need to talk.....xxx

Message withdrawn

Thanks Karen

Remimds me - I must make sure I pass on your email and mobile to my DB so that he can arrange to get your travel cot back to you! Was very useful thanks

Dior - I'm trying not to pin my hopes too much on Relate (not that it even looks like we'll even be going right now.) just need to cling onto something IYKWIM...

Sorry not read whole post FAQ...how was it when you got back??

Just had a thought - would going to Relate on your own help? Talk things through with a stranger?

how was what when I got back where

NAB - it's virtually impossible for me to get to Relate - would involved finding childcare/someone to pick up/drop off at nursery/school for a couple of hours - bus takes nearly 1hr to the town centre, then it would be a good 20 minute walk from there, then the time of the session, then the same back again......I've got a couple of good friends that have helped me out with childcare before but knowing their own childcare situations just wouldn't be practical

Back home!!!!!!!!!!!!!