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Original poster

Recreational drugs

116 replies

Beth812 · 03/07/2023 23:25

My partner and I have been together a year and a half. We don't live together. Things are going great and we get on extremely well. We never stop laugh and share alot of the same values...

One thing that is very different is he will occasionally use cocaine on nights out with his pals. Not when we're out together as he knows I don't and never have done. It's just not for me and I'm happy with my wine on a night out tbh.

He was away with friends in a stag do a few weeks ago and told me he took alot of cocaine and some ecstacy. They all were. He was pretty honest and said it was a heavy weekend.

I think my face said it all when he was telling me. It doesn't change how I feel about him, much but and I'm aware he told me this pretty early on after meeting that he'd use cocaine on the odd night out.

I don't know why it's getting to me a bit. Can things work if we're just very different that way?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 03/07/2023 23:56

I'm pretty easy about such things providing they aren't regular habitual users many of my friends use occasionally some very frequently occasional users I can't get worked up about. Addicts are a different story

PeraltasWife · 04/07/2023 00:05

Honestly no, in my opinion it will never work. You can force it to work but unfortunately most drug takers even if its only "recreational" are selfish and will put their needs and their drugs over almost everything. It might work for awhile, while your not living together and there's no real responsibilities tp each other but as soon as those responsibilities start rolling in it will get very hard very quick. Just think, do you really want to live together, buy a house together etc knowing that whenever he feels like it he will drop a couple of hundred quid to chase a high. He will tell you its a one off, a laugh, just a bit of fun etc but it's not, its selfish. If you have kids and your money is tighter, will it still be ok for him to go out with the lads and spend £££ doing coke when your sat home with a baby or young kids hoping you've got enough money for school uniform/days out/basics like food and heating while hes having a "cheeky line", what about when it starts not being so recreational, when he decides he wants a little bump, a mid week buzz when it starts escallating and hes taking more and more to chase that high. I know this sounds very dramatic but from bitter experience it does happen. Recreational drug takers/ full blown addicts whatever you want to call it surround themselves with other like minded people, he won't see the problem as his mates will all be doing it, they will back him up that your a nag, boring, trying to control him. It will cause endless arguments when your desperately trying to save or have nice stuff for your family and he's spanking money up his nose with no regard for his family and when you try to tell him he needs to stop, for himself, you, the kids you'll get told "well you knew this about me from the begining". That's before you even factor in the come downs, the depressive episodes, the paranoia and often aggressive outbursts that follow, plus the legal ramifications what if he gets caught, stopped arrested. Its a class A it is dealt with very seriously. Will you be happy to get in a car with him not knowing for sure if he has had a line or not? Drug driving is as dangerous as drink driving. Would you be happy to be with him if he decides to sell a bit "for a mate" "it's just a g here and there, nothing major etc" then he starts associating with more drug dealers, getting stuff on tik when he can't afford it, the possibility of having dealers turn up to your house or the police if he got caught? Again I'm sorry to sound so dramatic but I've lived this and I wish I could of had someone tell me what was going to happen, to save me from the heartache and tears. In my experience it always starts small, and because you put up with it to begin with it gets harder and harder to leave. Please do yourself a favour and get out now its not worth it.

ZekeZeke · 04/07/2023 00:51

I've Zero tolerance for drugs of any kind and wouldn't respect any acquaintance of mine if they were a user, regardless of how often.

He has told you who he is, listen!

Why is it bothering you now? Probably because after 1.5 years you are thinking of the future.
Don't build a life with him and please don't have kids.

BritInAus · 04/07/2023 00:53

I really hope you're being careful with contraception

Original poster
Beth812 · 04/07/2023 07:20

BritInAus · 04/07/2023 00:53

I really hope you're being careful with contraception

What do you mean by this?

OP posts:
Yetisrus · 04/07/2023 07:39

There is a massive difference between an occasional recreational drug taker to an addict. Some anti drug people want to group everyone together but you can't. Same with alcohol, not everyone who drinks is addicted to alcohol. Some recreational drug users can go months/years between a line or pill. An addict will be looking for the next fix. As someone who spent 15 years in the London club scene I've seen all sorts.

He told you, it's not like he hid it. But if it goes against your principles then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker.

BritInAus · 04/07/2023 07:43

It's one thing casually dating a drug user. It's another having a child together.

GrazingSheep · 04/07/2023 07:43

*Beth812 · Today 07:20
BritInAus · Today 00:53

I really hope you're being careful with contraception
What do you mean by this?*

She means don’t have a baby with a drug user.

OrkneyBird · 04/07/2023 08:27

I personally wouldn't want to be serious with this person and I understood exactly what the contraceptive comment meant, I would go further and say use condoms with him.

I would struggle with trusting them when they go out with their friends. Trust and reliability are huge to me and if they are on drugs you don't know if they will be faithful or come home with an STI that they infect you with.

You don't know if they will take crazy risks under the influence or lose stuff causing financial or security risk to you and your home or identity.

I would be worried every time they go out on one of those benders. I would worry about their safety.

I also think drugs and alcohol use often creeps up. Exceptions do not make the rule, and generally drug and alcohol use escalates with time.

Someone responsible who can have a good time with little to no alcohol and no drugs is far sexier to me than someone who takes class A drugs with his mates even if they only meet a few times a year.

ZekeZeke · 04/07/2023 18:07

Beth812 · 04/07/2023 07:20

What do you mean by this?

Show quote history

She means exactly what I posted above, don't have kids with this druggie.

Original poster
Beth812 · 04/07/2023 18:54

I'm not planning on having kids with him. I'm not sticking up in anyway but I think 'druggies' a bit harsh.

Hes hardly been out with his friends on nights out as our weekends/days together are rare and usually spend free ones together. So he's maybe used it 3 times in the last year and a half. Like I said, on nights out with friends

OP posts:
Weekenders · 04/07/2023 22:54

Beth812 · 04/07/2023 18:54

I'm not planning on having kids with him. I'm not sticking up in anyway but I think 'druggies' a bit harsh.

Hes hardly been out with his friends on nights out as our weekends/days together are rare and usually spend free ones together. So he's maybe used it 3 times in the last year and a half. Like I said, on nights out with friends

That wouldn't bother me, but clearly would bother others who've had negative (or in some cases no) experiences of partners taking recreational drugs.

You're going to have to decide yourself whether you are a good enough fit.

I'd advise everyone to moderate their drug and alcohol use, but wouldn't judge one more harshly than the other.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/07/2023 22:57

I think the point is he's fine with it and isn't going to change, so the decision is all yours. I wouldn't like this but I have dated people who have used drugs in the past (we are all so old this is quite a lot of our generation!) I wouldn't be into anyone currently using them, even if occasional and recreational.

Dotcheck · 04/07/2023 23:01

What a turn off.
The drug industry/ crime/ risk of fentanyl poisoning. Nah

NotAboutToGoBackAndForth · 04/07/2023 23:09

How can calling him a druggy be harsh when he’s literally out taking cocaine and ecstasy?? Is this normal for the majority of people or something?

I can just about be with someone who smokes weed but I can see that we all have different boundaries

LadyJ2023 · 04/07/2023 23:10

Blimey this would certainly change how I feel if my other half took drugs!! Have you no standards!

Sendouttheclowns · 04/07/2023 23:15

If you have any doubts about his 'habit' OP then you need to read this ;

https://www.sanctuarylodge.com/news/cocaine-overdose-what-happens-to-your-body/

Twoshoesnewshoes · 04/07/2023 23:16

okay, so I have a different opinion.
my DH goes to a music festival once a year with friends. When there, he sometimes uses cocaine or MDMA. Then maybe one other time a year, at a big event gig or similar.
he is not a druggie. He has the odd pint of craft ale, he is not surrounded be like minded people, nor is he selfish or narcissistic.
he’s a really good person.
the responses on here are bizarre.
like alcohol, spending, eating etc, this is on a spectrum. We all have our line. Personally, I couldn’t be with someone who drinks alcohol every day, or gets drunk, or swears, or makes sexist or racist jokes.
OP, you decide your limit, and that’s fine.

ThePM · 04/07/2023 23:23

Yetisrus · 04/07/2023 07:39

There is a massive difference between an occasional recreational drug taker to an addict. Some anti drug people want to group everyone together but you can't. Same with alcohol, not everyone who drinks is addicted to alcohol. Some recreational drug users can go months/years between a line or pill. An addict will be looking for the next fix. As someone who spent 15 years in the London club scene I've seen all sorts.

He told you, it's not like he hid it. But if it goes against your principles then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker.

Some people who are anti drug ( much more pertinently ) know that the cocaine trade is hand in glove with murder, people trafficking and rape the whole way along the supply chain. Before you get near undermining democracy.

Your boyfriend is part of that, that’s what his money goes towards. I wouldnt touch him.
Buying cocaine is truly an abhorrent thing to do.

Doyoumind · 04/07/2023 23:44

PeraltasWife · 04/07/2023 00:05

Honestly no, in my opinion it will never work. You can force it to work but unfortunately most drug takers even if its only "recreational" are selfish and will put their needs and their drugs over almost everything. It might work for awhile, while your not living together and there's no real responsibilities tp each other but as soon as those responsibilities start rolling in it will get very hard very quick. Just think, do you really want to live together, buy a house together etc knowing that whenever he feels like it he will drop a couple of hundred quid to chase a high. He will tell you its a one off, a laugh, just a bit of fun etc but it's not, its selfish. If you have kids and your money is tighter, will it still be ok for him to go out with the lads and spend £££ doing coke when your sat home with a baby or young kids hoping you've got enough money for school uniform/days out/basics like food and heating while hes having a "cheeky line", what about when it starts not being so recreational, when he decides he wants a little bump, a mid week buzz when it starts escallating and hes taking more and more to chase that high. I know this sounds very dramatic but from bitter experience it does happen. Recreational drug takers/ full blown addicts whatever you want to call it surround themselves with other like minded people, he won't see the problem as his mates will all be doing it, they will back him up that your a nag, boring, trying to control him. It will cause endless arguments when your desperately trying to save or have nice stuff for your family and he's spanking money up his nose with no regard for his family and when you try to tell him he needs to stop, for himself, you, the kids you'll get told "well you knew this about me from the begining". That's before you even factor in the come downs, the depressive episodes, the paranoia and often aggressive outbursts that follow, plus the legal ramifications what if he gets caught, stopped arrested. Its a class A it is dealt with very seriously. Will you be happy to get in a car with him not knowing for sure if he has had a line or not? Drug driving is as dangerous as drink driving. Would you be happy to be with him if he decides to sell a bit "for a mate" "it's just a g here and there, nothing major etc" then he starts associating with more drug dealers, getting stuff on tik when he can't afford it, the possibility of having dealers turn up to your house or the police if he got caught? Again I'm sorry to sound so dramatic but I've lived this and I wish I could of had someone tell me what was going to happen, to save me from the heartache and tears. In my experience it always starts small, and because you put up with it to begin with it gets harder and harder to leave. Please do yourself a favour and get out now its not worth it.

Bloody hell. Yes, it does sound dramatic.

I'm a mother. I've always had a good job. I'm middle aged now but back in my 20s and 30s I would do MDMA and/or cocaine on nights out. Loads of people I knew did and had perfectly respectable lives and weren't wasting money they couldn't afford or getting addicted. I wouldn't do it now as I'm a parent but I don't judge other people who do any more than I judge people who get wasted on alcohol.

I get the points about the crime and everything else you might be supporting when buying drugs, but thousands of people enjoy recreational drugs regularly without turning into druggies.

Original poster
Beth812 · 05/07/2023 00:19

Honestly regret posting on here sometimes.

People questioning your standards when only asking for advice. I do have standards and apart from this, what I've been asking for advice about he is kind, intelligent, a good person and makes me happy. We're similar in alot of ways, value wise, clearly minus this, which is why I was finding it so difficult to know what to do.

OP posts:
NotAboutToGoBackAndForth · 05/07/2023 09:14

Well you asked if things can still work out if you’re very different and people have given you their opinions. I don’t see the problem?

Sarah493403940 · 05/07/2023 10:14

Me and my ex boyfriend had this when we first started going out (not why we split up!)...I was the occasional drug taker through but with psychedelics like magic mushrooms 3-4 times per year. He really didn't like it but admitted he wasn't sure why he didn't like it...I was up front about it and said it was important to me as it actually helped my mental health (studies back this up!) and something me and my friends had enjoyed together for a long time.

Eventually as we got to know each other better and I guess trust grew he became less bothered about it. I think for him it was because he'd never taken drugs...he didn't understand it / worried I would maybe do something out of character or maybe even jealousy that I was having an intense experience with someone else.

Cocaine is very different to psychedelics though...for a start there are physical health risks (although not so much with infrequent use) and when I've tried cocaine I would say that it's made me a worse version of myself (bigger ego, overconfident, hyper-sexual!)...whereas psychedelics are like truth serum / a big reality check so you're usually the best version of yourself.

There's no right or wrong answer though...you just need to decide if it's something you can tolerate / and it's perfectly reasonable if you can't as it's a big difference in principles.

AgentJohnson · 05/07/2023 12:32

I think the point is he's fine with it and isn't going to change, so the decision is all yours. I wouldn't like this but I have dated people who have used drugs in the past (we are all so old this is quite a lot of our generation!) I wouldn't be into anyone currently using them, even if occasional and recreational.

This

A grown arse man putting white stuff up his nose, nah not for me. If the frequency of use is linked to how frequently he sees his friends, then it’s likely his use will increased when/ if he sees them more. I had friends who would drink to the point of oblivion several times a year and in the end, I lost respect for a behaviour I fundamentally didn’t agree with.

5128gap · 05/07/2023 12:41

If I had my time again, I'd never have entertained a relationship with someone who did this For everyone that handles it, keeps it to the odd night out, compartmentalises, you'll get others where it escalates to be a huge life changing problem, causes mental health problems, debt, criminality and untold suffering. The problem is there is no way of you knowing which he will be, because neither with certainty, does he. You could both be lucky, and ethics aside, it won't be a problem. I, and others who have had relationships with people who take drugs were not so fortunate. Its a risk I'd certainly never take again.