Recreational drugs

[Beth812]

My partner and I have been together a year and a half. We don't live together. Things are going great and we get on extremely well. We never stop laugh and share alot of the same values...

One thing that is very different is he will occasionally use cocaine on nights out with his pals. Not when we're out together as he knows I don't and never have done. It's just not for me and I'm happy with my wine on a night out tbh.

He was away with friends in a stag do a few weeks ago and told me he took alot of cocaine and some ecstacy. They all were. He was pretty honest and said it was a heavy weekend.

I think my face said it all when he was telling me. It doesn't change how I feel about him, much but and I'm aware he told me this pretty early on after meeting that he'd use cocaine on the odd night out.

I don't know why it's getting to me a bit. Can things work if we're just very different that way?

The choice is your's ... the fact is that you are posting about it because clearly you feel a little unsure, we all have different 'standards' and 'values' that we find acceptable.

Personally I don't know any 'recreational' drug users ... through my volunteering with the street homeless and disadvantaged young people I do know a lot of people whose lives have been ruined by drugs, so no, I would not dream of dating someone who uses drugs. I wonder how many of those 'cool' middle class 'recreational', occasional drug takers who like to dabble in a few drugs at festivals are prepared to go out night after night to help the addicts and drug dependent people whose lives are in utter chaos?

I'm constantly baffled by lax attitudes and the assumption of civil disobedience about drugs.
Buying drugs supports international illegal trade which marries up with trafficking, gun trafficking, illegal warfare and other nefarious and unpleasant activities.

Why would anyone seem ok with propping up a criminal system that harms thousands if not millions of people?

I wonder how many of those 'cool' middle class 'recreational', occasional drug takers who like to dabble in a few drugs at festivals are prepared to go out night after night to help the addicts and drug dependent people whose lives are in utter chaos?

I'm a festival drug taker, as are most of my friends. This does not compel me to help drug addicts. I enjoy a gin on a Friday night. This does not compel me to help alcoholics. I enjoy eating too many crisps when watching TV. This does not make me qualified to administer binge eating therapy. I could keep going... But the argument makes no sense?!?

I wouldn’t be impressed but if I didn’t have kids with him or live with him then I’d be considering whether to walk away or whether to just accept it. I think calling him a druggie is a bit harsh, if his use is only on stag do’s / festivals etc. Or is he using more than this? I’d have an open and honest chat about it. Tell him how much you like him, can see a future but this is the one thing holding you back. Maybe the drugs don’t mean much to him and he will pack them in rather than risk you ending things. You’ll only find out if you chat about it, good luck

I genuinely don't think it's more than this. He's never done it on the many nights we've had together.

I spoke to him briefly last night about , he knows I'm not impressed and asked if I was disappointed and he said as soon as he told me he could tell I was. I've told him I think we are very different in this aspect. He said if he knew I would be feeling like this he wouldn't have bothered but of course he might just be saying that.

We are going away for a few days at the weekend and don't want there to be an atmosphere so I'm trying to put in on a box until we're home.

I do feel a little sad. Apart from this he's been the best thing in my life for a long time and I am disappointed. He was a big festival/gig goer and I knew he did this (cocaine) occasionally on big nights out a few weeks into meeting him. I guess its hit me hearing it from him straight after coming back from the stag

@Zanatdy thank you x

See what happens over the next few weeks now he knows your feeling on drugs, he may be willing to give them up. Sounds like he’s realised how much you dislike drugs at least

There's a whole lot of judgement in these comments... sweeping generalisations that come straight from the daily mail 🙄

Recreational, occasional, drug use does NOT equate to addiction, poor moral character or the array of inferences levied.

What I think needs genuine consideration is your feeling uncomfortable. That's real and you should trust your gut and your reaction, why do you feels that way? Can you put a pin in it? Does he/did he prioritise getting trashed over you/family? Or is it just discomfort at the unknown/taboo element of it?

I wouldn't take that uncomfortable feeling as you're incompatible, or throw it away if things are otherwise good.

@Gobimanchurian thanks, that makes sense. I think it's the unknown for me. My group of friends have never done cocaine. Only smoked a bit of cannabis now and again when we were 18.

I'm maybe just niave to it all. I remember being out with work colleagues just after lockdown and they all started doing it before we all headed out the apartment for a day out. We're all professionals and I was shocked then and had no idea they were all doing it on nights out too.

FirstTime ... would you feel differently if you personally knew someone whose life had been ruined by drugs ... or are you just happy to accept that it's cool to take drugs at a festival and your actions have no bearing on drug trafficking, county lines etc? Where do you obtain your drugs from? Do you have a child ... do you have any comprehension of what parents go through if they lose a child to drug misuse?

If you don't want to be with someone that does coke that's just fine. I think it's important to talk seriously about it now. That's a boundary for me , so I do understand why you might feel this way. Fwiw I knew lots of people that did coke when I was young , and I refused to date any of them. I don't like how arrogant people become when using , and they talk absolute crap too.

Don't feel that you have to become un-naive to it all OP. It's good that you don't know about a drug lifestyle. xx

@Beth812 that's understandable, if it's never been around you in that way I get it's a shock, and hard to have any context of what it means. Talk to him, about how it makes you feel, about why /when he does it and for how long he has. If it's a once or twice a year thing when he's not around you, I wouldn't try to force him to stop, but that's got to be your decision and you be ok with it.

As background (I have been around it a lot) my mum & Stepdad both had serious drug addiction problems while I was growing up in the 80's (heroin) that killed my mum. My teens and twenties (in the 90's) for my social circle was centred around recreational drug use (ecstasy, acid, coke to a lesser extent).

We've all held down jobs and gone on to be functional adults with families and mortgages. Some of them still 'partake' occasionally (in our 40's) - personally it's not for me anymore. I find I just don't go when that's on the cards. But what I'm saying is they're not necessarily the same thing (albeit for some people one becomes a pathway to another, and of course it's less A or B but somewhere inbetween. That why the conversation is important

I know someone whose life has been ruined by drugs, yes. I know several more people whose lives have been ruined by alcohol. I am not an addict, and neither one of those scenarios has any bearing on me and doesn't stop me from having a glass of wine or half a joint.

I have 2 children. I can't imagine the pain of a loss of a child for any reason. Road traffic accidents kill more children than drug misuse. It's not something I think about every time I get into my car tbh. I feel as guilty about my bit in the drug supply chain as I do about my bit in purchasing clothes made by children. Both actions are wrong, I'll grant you that, and I try to minimise them.

The thing that lots of people struggle to understand is that there are huge numbers of people, possibly people that you interact with or depend on for professional services, who are recreational drug users. The fear and moralising is misplaced and frankly ridiculous. I am never going to become a heroin addict, the mdma that I take every 2 years or so isn't going to change my life. My husband is not going to bankrupt the family, start stealing from the neighbours, or die of an overdose because he smokes an occasional joint at the weekend.

There is a gulf between the worst case scenario and what the OP describes her boyfriend doing. I find it really interesting how many people don't see that, but we are all different I suppose!

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest!

I'd rather be with a recreational drug user than a middle aged woman who gets hammered on proseco at weekends!

@Lisabirdy or neither?

The question that 'recreational' drug users seem to be happy to avoid is how they obtain the drugs, as far as I am aware it is illegal to sell drugs so how do you obtain them? It's not illegal to buy alcohol so I don't think the comparison is relevant (of course I agree that alcoholism is a real problem as well as drug abuse) but no one is breaking the Law by buying alcohol. I think we all know that the illegal drug trade causes absolute misery to many people both in this country and overseas and surely no one condones that? Or are you happy to turn a blind eye to drug dealers?

I'd rather be with a recreational drug user than a middle aged woman who gets hammered on proseco at weekends!

It's not really an either / or though, is it? Personally I'd rather be with neither. But I'd certainly rather be with a person who has a glass of wine or two a couple of times a week than someone who takes illegal drugs a couple of times a week.

People are saying posters are being over dramatic about drug use…..maybe that’s because some of us have seen the effects first hand.
I have zero tolerance for drugs, having seen too many lives ruined by so called recreational users. It’s a slippery slope and damages not only the user but those around them.
I personally know a girl who had a child with a drug dealer, she was young at the time and didn’t know anything about it until they started getting raided every other week when she had a young baby.
I know a family who are deeply in debt because the man spends it all on weed and makes out he’s too ‘sick’ to work. He’s also using coercive behaviour with his partner but unfortunately she can’t see it despite friends trying to rally round her and the children.
I know two separate and unconnected families who are now just children and their dads because the mums were drug addicts, one committed suicide and the other is allowed no access because she was abusive.
A work colleague has just become a single parent as her husband has been doing a few too many lines of late and it’s affecting all of their lives due to his behaviour and money problems.

A friend has been telling me her dd thinks her partner has been having an affair, he’s been ‘disappearing’ for a couple of days at a time, not telling her where he’s been, acting a bit jittery and strange. He got arrested last week for committing lewd acts in a public place and was in possession of cocaine, so that’s probably his career and job down the drain, along with a load of stress and upset for the rest of the family.
I don’t suppose any of these people set out to become an addict, get caught, become abusive, get into debt, whatever, but it’s happened. They all probably thought they were in control….until they weren’t. Only you know if you can handle the risk of maybe having to deal with some of that shit.

I don’t personally use drugs but anyone stating they wouldn’t be friends or acquaintances with a drug user are deluded. It takes all sorts and you’d be astonished who takes recreational drugs.

my bug bear would be the total waste of money and the ethics of it.

@Ragwort I buy mine from a friend. I suspect most people do the same

I don’t personally use drugs but anyone stating they wouldn’t be friends or acquaintances with a drug user are deluded. It takes all sorts and you’d be astonished who takes recreational drugs.

Why deluded? People can choose their friends on whatever basis they like. Sure, they might unwittingly have acquaintances or even friends who take drugs, but that doesn't mean their principle is deluded.

Not much of a friend though, particularly in light of the post from NoIroningHere.

My work colleague got upset when their drug friend became a “friend to the family” when her daughter got to 14 or 15. Really, who needs to be friends with someone that would happily sell whatever your kid asked for.

And of course all the customers are paying money ti the people who murder. https://apnews.com/article/mexico-violence-drug-cartels-67f52a3eb9e826a259f045fa1c071fee

@ThePM I think we just have very different experiences of the world that's all.

First Time. .... what a bizarre comment 'I get them from a friend' ... do you not give any thought to where your friend gets them? They hardly pop down to Waitrose to pick them up with their weekly shopping? Surely you are aware that what you are doing is illegal and your 'friend' could get into serious trouble .... but yes, your final comment is very appropriate... and I'm glad that my world doesn't involve having friends who are drug dealers.
Have you not heard of county lines and young, vulnerable (possibly trafficked etc) people being forced into drug dealing? Or do you choose to just ignore those truths in order to get the occasional 'high' from recreational drug use?