Recreational drugs

[Beth812]

My partner and I have been together a year and a half. We don't live together. Things are going great and we get on extremely well. We never stop laugh and share alot of the same values...

One thing that is very different is he will occasionally use cocaine on nights out with his pals. Not when we're out together as he knows I don't and never have done. It's just not for me and I'm happy with my wine on a night out tbh.

He was away with friends in a stag do a few weeks ago and told me he took alot of cocaine and some ecstacy. They all were. He was pretty honest and said it was a heavy weekend.

I think my face said it all when he was telling me. It doesn't change how I feel about him, much but and I'm aware he told me this pretty early on after meeting that he'd use cocaine on the odd night out.

I don't know why it's getting to me a bit. Can things work if we're just very different that way?

Mumsnet is generally (in my opinion) fairly hysterical around drug taking. My middle aged, professional, degree educated, perfectly normal husband is a recreational drug user. Even that sounds like a stretch to be honest, he will take MDMA once a year or so and smokes a few joints a month. Many of my friends are the same, they include social workers, professors, teachers, mental health nurses, ... Very few people in my social circle get absolutely hammered on alcohol on a regular basis. I would find that more off putting to be honest.

Everyone is different, but I would have no problems with what you describe

No recreational drugs in a partner for me ever again I hope.

After knowing the damage all of them can do to someone, their mental health and functioning, I find it gross.

@Twoshoesnewshoes

my DH goes to a music festival once a year with friends. When there, he sometimes uses cocaine or MDMA. Then maybe one other time a year, at a big event gig or similar. he is not a druggie. He has the odd pint of craft ale, he is not surrounded be like minded people, nor is he selfish or narcissistic. he’s a really good person.

Even if he doesn't do it often, he's still contributing to an industry built on trafficking, abuse and organised crime.

He might be a nice person in general but he's helping fund some really, really awful stuff.

You were the one that said your OH had done A LOT of cocaine a couple of weeks ago!

From what he said they had done it during a 3 day stag so I'm assuming it would have been over the 3 days so more than the once which is alot. The other times on 2 or 3 nights out over the year. I was making reference to the comment 'druggie'.

If you don't think it's that bad then stay with him.
I think people that take drugs ,no matter how infrequently ,rarely make good partners though

It’s really no big deal, I don’t know many people that don’t dabble recreationally & the hysteria on here is unfounded & usually from people who have had no experience of any recreational drug use either directly or indirectly. Smoking & drinking are worse in my opinion (I wouldn’t ever date a smoker). Ultimately the choice is yours but he isn’t forcing you to do it & he was honest with you

The thing is that you never know if he can remain a recreational user or whether it will spiral into a full addiction.

A comment from someone with zero experience of drug use, this is the sort of nonsense my Mum used to spout.

So what happens if you go out with his friends? Does he not partake and they all do? Or does he not invite you out with his friends?

In my experience relationships like this don’t work because your values and boundaries are fundamentally different and that’s without even going into the ethics of him using a drug like Cocaine.

The pearl clutching on this, Jesus Christ.

For me occasional is fine. Just don't come home high, don't have it in the house and done make it more than once every few months.

I don’t know about you but I prefer not to to have to inflict rules on my partner. If I have to do that then we’re not compatible.

OP you're perfectly within your rights to ditch him and it sounds like it will continue to make you uncomfortable.

But I take drugs occasionally in the same way as your bf does, and so do most of my friends. We are all totally ordinary/functioning adults and parents and personally I don't have a problem with it at all - in fact for me booze is way worse in terms of the effects/impact on others.

Hysterical reactions here.

Op, I know plenty of recreational drug users and I am one myself. I'm a responsible parent, and so are all of the others I know who use occasionally.

Up to you to decide what you wish to do about your oh, I'm just here to reassure you that we are not all terrible people on the verge of an unrecoverable downward spiral. We're all normal and frequently boring.

@Pollywoddles never had to have a conversation with rules involved, this is just my take.

@Makemyday99 my best friends daughter is a crack cocaine and heroin addict, started on weed and progressed onto harder drugs , so maybe my view of drugs is influenced by this.

I get that, I’m just making the point that if someone did have to then they’re putting conditions on the way their partner uses drugs. That to me is something that demonstrates that they are uncomfortable with it and in my opinion has no place in a relationship. It’s certainly not one I’d want to be in, on either side.

My ss is a smack addict but he he didn’t work his way up so to speak, I know a lot of people who take recreationally (including myself) & have done for years & not one of them has progressed to full blown drug dependency & I have never been remotely tempted, it’s very rare for that to happen. I know far many more adults with alcohol dependency.

Its down to you and your standards when it comes to stuff like this.

Me personally, it's not for me, I don't judge either but I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who took drugs recreationally even if only a couple times a year. I feel there is a heavy amount of immaturity involved with this stuff. Anyone over the age of 20/21 still doing it is pretty darn immature.
'Only doing it with friends on a night out' feels very peer pressure and shows an inability to make their own decision.
That's my personal opinion. It's not necessarily right or wrong.

If this is something that bothers you, then no, it might not work. Look at it this way, it's bothering you 1.5 years later. This isn't a small difference of opinion. It's quite big, its illegal substances.

No pearl clutching here.
i have zero tolerence for drug use.
When your core values and principles are fundamentally different its not going to work.
Drug trafficking is revenue for organised crime who are involved with the likes of slavery, prostitution, firearms...
Taking drugs, well you are contributing to this, end of.

@Pollywoddles ah yes I'm with you! Completely agree!

Calling someone a druggy because they use drugs now and then (a few times a year) is the same as calling someone who drinks alcohol in the same frequency an alcoholic.

It's a very extreme label to give somebody.

So … are you suggesting that the only people who get addicted to substances like cocaine are those who choose to do that??

What?

Personally I can accept the odd bit of shared weed every-once-in-a-while if we’re both at home alone chilling on a weekend but I have zero tolerance for hard drugs (recreational or not). It’s dangerous (a friend of mine had a heart attack), terrible for your mental health and coke is bloody expensive which means that weekend habit is probably costing him 500 pounds a month. Very irresponsible (I hope he doesn’t have children). This habit would be a massive red flag too big to overcome 🚩