Page 5 | He doesn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive yet

Goldenhour3 · 2023-07-03T19:56:01+00:00

Hi everyone, A bit of background. I’m 24, he’s 36. We met on a dating app. We’ve been dating for over two months now - and have been having sex since the fourth date. A week ago, I asked him where he thought the relationship was going (given that we’d not spoken about exclusivity yet). He said he was looking for a long term relationship and was enjoying getting to know me, but that he didn’t want to rush into a relationship yet, because it didn’t end well when he rushed into a relationship with his last girlfriend. He said he wasn’t speaking/seeing anyone else. I told him that I wasn’t happy with that and that I’d prefer to call it a day. I also raised other concerns, namely that we don’t have a lot of time to see each other because of his work commitments (and child). Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time, and that he’s going to drop some of his work commitments to see me, blah blah blah. Anyway, he’s not yet asked, and we’re still drifting along. We’re also both still on dating apps even though he’s said he’s logged out. My last boyfriend was crazy about me, and asked me to be his girlfriend after a matter of weeks and it was a brilliant relationship (even though it ended). He told me he was falling in love shortly after. I can’t help feeling that that is what love and passion is supposed to be like rather than all these wishy-washy uncertainties. On the one hand, he’s nice, handsome, thoughtful, introverted like me, and he was very determined to say all the right things when I said we should go our own separate ways. On the other, he takes 8 hours to respond to texts, doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy about exclusivity. Do I just call it a day or persevere? Maybe he does just genuinely want it to “develop naturally”? Sorry for the long ramble!

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 04/07/2023 12:40

Just don’t bother replying or reply ‘no thanks, all the best.’, not worth even 2 seconds of thought. You’re 24, go and live life, no need to shag some sad sack single dad who can’t even make you laugh.

FloweryWowery · 04/07/2023 12:42

How dare you expect a response to your text, i was looking at pictures of my dEaD paRENts

blahblahblah1654 · 04/07/2023 12:47

You're best off out of it. His text message was a load of drivel. He's now trying to manipulate you as he thought he had the upper hand. I'm sure you'll find someone who's crazy about you!

QueenBitch666 · 04/07/2023 12:50

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

He's worried he's losing a convenient shag. Raise your standards

WitcheryDivine · 04/07/2023 12:54

Oh he was going to ask you this weekend! Wow doesn't this remind me of something someone in Year 8 would say.

"He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic." WELL that's you told isn't it. 😂He clearly thinks because he's older that he can also control the entire timetable of your relationship and tell you how you should and shouldn't be behaving. Well, bad luck sonny because OP has moved on.

Very glad you've dumped this tedious odd fish OP!!!! Fun men exist.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 04/07/2023 12:56

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tell him to pull the other one, it has bells on.

caringcarer · 04/07/2023 12:56

Ragwort · 03/07/2023 20:58

He's clearly keeping his options open, you are good enough 'for now' but he's hoping someone better might turn up ...bin him off.

This is spot on.

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 12:57

Didn’t need to read the whole thing, he should want to be exclusive by now if he doesn’t he is keeping his options open. Sorry op

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:00

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

What a load of shit, you’re well rid of this one op.

OMGitsnotgood · 04/07/2023 13:01

If he doesn't want to be exclusive at this stage, time to get rid. He's getting sec with someone he quite likes but is still keeping his options open. At the very least, keep looking yourself, you don't have to be exclusive either.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/07/2023 13:02

If you continue to see this.man you are a fool. You are 24, he is 36 with a child, come on OP. I can tell how this will pan out if you like? He's spotted a young, eager woman and is shocked you had enough about you to end things. Stay away, you do not need to take on his baggage. He got cocky thinking you would stick around for the crumbs. Dont prove him right. Have some self respect.

VanGoghsDog · 04/07/2023 13:06

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Whatever.

You're just not well matched I guess.

Greengrassoh · 04/07/2023 13:44

He’s called you toxic for thinking 8 hours is a long time to reply to a text?

Please to god update us that you’re not reconsidering.

sodthesodoff · 04/07/2023 13:44

Ah so he's trying to make you out to be the bad person when you say you want to split up

Don't fall for it

He's an emotional amoeba.

Lucky escape. Don't get sucked back in.

Notice how none of us are saying otherwise? We've seen this shit before.

Run. And keep running.

VasariMichelangelo · 04/07/2023 13:50

Texting is toxic? Now, I get some people aren't big texters but it's not toxic and people generally like to communicate often with their partner - especially in the 'honeymoon' phase!

As everyone has said, he's feeding you bullshit to continue to string you along, but even worse now he is trying to put guilt on to you and using terms like 'toxic' for a completely normal thing so you blame yourself.

I'm only a couple of years older than him and the only 'right time' to become official is when you have the discussion to see where you are both at - which you tried to do.

And the looking at photos of his deceased parents is beyond manipulative.

He sounds awful. Find someone who makes you laugh and ditch this manipulative user for good.

All of us a bit longer in the tooth have dealt with people like this on more than one occasion, he is who he is and he's not going to change. You could be the most intelligent and mature 24 year old in the world (and you certainly sound as if you have both qualities if you have the presence of mind to question this so early in and not solely listen to him), but you still don't have that life experience.

Don't let him reel you back in, you deserve better

VasariMichelangelo · 04/07/2023 13:52

Apologies, I hope I didn't sound patronising. I just remember being with an older partner when I was in my early 20s and this all sounds so familiar. It's a learning experience though.

PeaceGoodMercutio · 04/07/2023 13:52

He doesn't make you laugh...

He's 12 years older than you, but treating you like you're stale bread that will do until the fresh sourdough comes out of the oven.
No. Just no.

RachelNoire · 04/07/2023 13:56

He doesn’t make you laugh.

that’s very telling. He’s not the one for you, not just for that reason either. You can do better!

toodlesofoodles · 04/07/2023 14:01

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

No. No, no no no no.

Do not fall for this utter shit. If he was going to ask you he wouldn't be on dating apps. If he was going to ask you he'd have told you about being upset or at least apologised for taking a while to get back to you, not waited until you told him to piss off. Classic manipulation tactic to keep you hanging on for more crumbs

And if by some realm of magic he's telling the truth then if you walk away now he will do anything to get you back.

24 you're literally in the prime of your life, an absolute catch and then some and some 36 year old loser who can't even decide if he wants to stop shagging other people wants YOU to chase HIM? Nah.

AuntieJune · 04/07/2023 14:06

I'm in my 40s OP. There's a chance that a man in his late 30s is lovely and wants to look for someone in their 20s for a genuine long term relationship.

However in my experience, a man in that category is invariably an emotional fucktard whose last gf got tired of his reluctance to commit/grow up/have kids, and wants to pretend he's not ageing by dating someone in their 20s AND quite importantly, enjoys the power imbalance of dating a younger woman. Bonus points for excessive gaming/porn/lego/cycling.

If I was 24 I'd go and find someone to have adventures with, not settle down with an old sad sack.

Nagado · 04/07/2023 15:00

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Aww Golden I was going to message you and offer you a million pounds if you gave him a bit more time. See how easy it is to promise that you were going to do something if only that person hadn’t done A, B or C? And it didn’t take any effort on my part at all.

Seriously though, he’s a fuckboy. And fuckboys can be fun when you’re enjoying yourself, you want to be free and single and not tied down. But the novelty wears off as you get older, and nobody wants a fuckboy who is rapidly approaching his forties, isn’t interested in your life and doesn’t even have the personality to make you laugh. I can see what he was getting out of this arrangement but I’m not seeing what was in it for you, at all!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 15:46

nobody wants a fuckboy who is rapidly approaching his forties, isn’t interested in your life and doesn’t even have the personality to make you laugh.

This.

And the 500 word wall of text manipulation? You should save it and keep it as a cautionary tale of what men will do when they think the shagging is going bye-bye. It's all about him, not about you.

Original poster

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 15:47

Just to update everyone 😅

We’ve since had lots of back and forths and called it a day.

Thanks for all your messages, some of them really made me laugh 😅😂

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 04/07/2023 16:22

Give me someone who makes me laugh over a handsome man any day of the week

Pinkjacket22 · 04/07/2023 16:24

Highlyflavouredgravy · 03/07/2023 21:01

Oh god, get rid!!!

How are you even having sex with someone who doesn't make you laugh???

He soubds awful!

This! You could do so much better! What an asshole he sounds