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Original poster

He doesn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive yet

151 replies

Goldenhour3 · 03/07/2023 20:56

Hi everyone,

A bit of background. I’m 24, he’s 36. We met on a dating app. We’ve been dating for over two months now - and have been having sex since the fourth date. A week ago, I asked him where he thought the relationship was going (given that we’d not spoken about exclusivity yet). He said he was looking for a long term relationship and was enjoying getting to know me, but that he didn’t want to rush into a relationship yet, because it didn’t end well when he rushed into a relationship with his last girlfriend. He said he wasn’t speaking/seeing anyone else. I told him that I wasn’t happy with that and that I’d prefer to call it a day. I also raised other concerns, namely that we don’t have a lot of time to see each other because of his work commitments (and child).

Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time, and that he’s going to drop some of his work commitments to see me, blah blah blah. Anyway, he’s not yet asked, and we’re still drifting along. We’re also both still on dating apps even though he’s said he’s logged out.

My last boyfriend was crazy about me, and asked me to be his girlfriend after a matter of weeks and it was a brilliant relationship (even though it ended). He told me he was falling in love shortly after. I can’t help feeling that that is what love and passion is supposed to be like rather than all these wishy-washy uncertainties.

On the one hand, he’s nice, handsome, thoughtful, introverted like me, and he was very determined to say all the right things when I said we should go our own separate ways. On the other, he takes 8 hours to respond to texts, doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy about exclusivity.

Do I just call it a day or persevere? Maybe he does just genuinely want it to “develop naturally”?

Sorry for the long ramble!

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 11:00

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Think that he's a manipulator and focus on how good and free you feel without him. They do this to guilt trip you back into compliance or just to make you feel bad... 'Oh, I was just about to make it all worthwhile and you've spoiled it'. You gave him his chance by raising the issue and he didn't do what he needed to do. Move on.

Rockschooldropout · 04/07/2023 11:01

How long has he been single OP ? My admittedly long time ago experience of OLD is that most of the middle aged guys on there with children from previous relationships etc were usually on the rebound from a relationship and looking for an ego stroke - I suspect he’s similiar - you aren’t in his future you are his , you’ll do for now ego massage .. you are 24 .. the worlds your oyster , don’t settle for scraps of this man’s plate

whereaw · 04/07/2023 11:03

You're 24... don't waste your time! If I could go back to being 24...
It sounds like he thinks he's 17, and trust me, men like that never grow up.

Peachtoiletpaper · 04/07/2023 11:05

Please ignore that diatribe. 500 words of 'me me me' and bollocks. Asking someone to be your GF doesn't require an elaborate setup. You want someone enthusiastic, not handy with the excuses. He's manipulative too, trying to say that your style of communication is toxic, plus bringing in some sympathy material. You've given him a chance, he hasn't been up to scratch.

FOJN · 04/07/2023 11:05

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh FFS.

Hangovers from his previous relationship are not your problem. If his experience with his ex is causing him to exercise such an extreme level of caution now then he isn't ready for a relationship.

The story about why it took him so long to reply to you yesterday is manipulative bullshit.

500 words! He's given me the ick and I don't even know him.

Murpe · 04/07/2023 11:05

From what you've said, ending it was absolutely the right thing, and that follow up he's sent you is manipulative. You are well rid.

If you ask people in LTRs and marriages how the early weeks of the relationship were, no-one (at least among people I know) started with one of them saying the kinds of things he's been saying in your earlier posts. When people really like each other and hope for potential LTR, they act like it.

moofolk · 04/07/2023 11:12

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 08:56

Hi all,

Thanks for all your messages. You’ve made me wake up and smell the coffee, so have sent a message calling it a day. I’ve offered to send his stuff back. Feel strangely good - I don’t want crumbs, I want someone that’s mad about me like my ex was.

Good for you.

Stick to this. Forget his pathetic 500 word text.

He was holding out for the chance of something better and panicked when he realised he already had something great (you), and he's not god enough for you.

He's 36 and you're 24. Why can't he get a woman his own age to like him? Older men often seem attractive to younger women, I understand it from your point of view, but honestly there's something wrong with anyone who goes for people so much younger than them.

I'm 44 and the idea of being with anyone under 40 is a bit hmmmm, but anyone under 30 is basically a child. Again, this is not a judgement on you, but on him. If he wants to be with someone so much younger then he is basically a child. He is deficient.

Stick to your guns and hold out for much, much better.

Onthelow · 04/07/2023 11:13

So when was this weekend away planned for? Do you actually believe him anyway? I wouldn’t. Why does he need to make an appointment to ask you to be his girlfriend? Do 36 year old men behave like this when they want to be with someone?

Shapemyeyebrows · 04/07/2023 11:41

@Goldenhour3 wow, this guy is a master manipulator. Please please don’t let him scramble your head, you have your whole life ahead of you and if you continue down this road with him I worry he’s going to turn you into a shell of your former self. This is what these types of men do, prey on the younger more innocent ones, as I think most women with a bit more life experience behind them would see these red flags more clearly. There’s a difference between constant texting and leaving you constantly on read for 8 hours. You just want a level of communication which flows and feels normal, you have pointed this out to him and he’s called it unhealthy and toxic. Wow!! I really hope you don’t get sucked up by this man, go out and meet someone closer to your age who makes you feel like your walking on cloud nine, not walking on eggshells x

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2023 11:45

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why don't you know what to think? He's stringing you along, you know he's stringing you along.

He fundamentally wants a different type of relationship than you do, so knock it on the head. The age gap alone means that he has commitments with his kids that you don't have, so he's not going to be able to put the energy and time in that you want.

Are you so desperate to not be single that you'll accept whatever scraps are thrown your way?

Rainbowqueeen · 04/07/2023 11:49

I don’t believe a word of what he says.

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. You should feel secure, confident in what you have together and on the same page. And it shouldn’t take you calling it quits for him to consider your needs

Whichwhatnow · 04/07/2023 11:51

He sounds incredibly tedious apart from anything. He doesn't make you laugh, sends essays explaining in painful detail why he was yet to take the monumental(!!!) step of asking you to be his girlfriend and overall seems to take himself wayyyy too seriously. The message is also, as others have said, really quite manipulative - texting is toxic? And pulling out the pity card because the only reason he ignored you is because he was looking at photos of his dead parents. I call bollox.

I only have two exes and my current DH but in all of those we were boyfriend and girlfriend right from the off, like date 1 or 2. Admittedly one ex turned out to be a twat and it didn't work out with the other one (tho we're still friends) but the commitment, passion and laughter was there from the start with all three.

Stick with your decision OP. Can you actually imagine a life with this man? I couldn't! You deserve the whole package x

philautia · 04/07/2023 11:56

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't make you laugh?

I am sorry but I think you've got caught up in the possibility of a relationship with a man who is handsome (possibly), thoughtful (but not actually thoughtful as he rarely asks you questions about you) and introverted (neither here nor there).

He sounds like a dull ornament who is learning how to be in a relationship from Google and I hate to say it, but that 500 word long begging text was probably AI generated.

80s · 04/07/2023 12:03

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend.
Sure, that was DOUBTLESS the plan.

he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex
And now he's had the experience of leaning too far in the opposite direction, and learned what happens then.

He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic.
So he's making out that you wanted him to text constantly? He's painting a picture of you as needy and demanding. Bet that really makes you want to have him back, eh.

He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents.
Unless you killed them, what does this have to do with you? Manipulative arse.

cuckyplunt · 04/07/2023 12:06

This happens to DD all the time, meets a guy, really likes him, he wants to keep his options open. She bins them off.
I think men are in the mindset that there is always a better option coming if you just keep swiping right.

AuntieJune · 04/07/2023 12:07

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Is asking someone to be your girlfriend a thing now? You have to wait around for official sanction and until then you're just a fuck-muffin? Pah

What with the dead parents, preoccupation with his ex and calling you toxic for wanting him to contact you without an 8 hour delay - I'd say this relationship is about as romantic as a dead fish

So what you should think - drop this one, look for a better one

He sounds mournful and self-obsessed tbh

safetyfreak · 04/07/2023 12:10

Well done OP.

Funny that he now begging for you to be his girlfriend. I would not trust him and taking 8 hours to reply to a text is displaying "meh" attitude towards a potential partner.

SoWhatEh · 04/07/2023 12:10

That's a rubbish reply. Designed to make you feel guilty and as if you are missing out on what you wanted all along, for daring to have requests that don't comply entirely with his pace and thinking. You're not.

I'd keep your reply brief and say, no hard feelings but it clearly wasn't working, then sort out a time for him to collect his stuff.

80s · 04/07/2023 12:11

Man seeks out younger woman to get his own way easier, then discovers she is more mature than him.

Naunet · 04/07/2023 12:28

Oh OP, you’re selling yourself short, he doesn’t make you laugh, doesn’t take any interest in you, is 12 years older AND has a kid, plus he has weird emotional issues - what’s with him painting this idea of making things ‘official’ needing to be some grand proposal?! Bizarre (or he’s just a manipulative liar). He’s stringing you along and you deserve better.

GoldDuster · 04/07/2023 12:34

It wouldn't matter if his reply was a 5,000 word text saying that he was going to propose to you at Christmas. He's boring and self centred. And most importantly, he doesn't make you feel good and that is enough for you to decide that it's not going anywhere and end it.

He doesnt' get the final say on whether it's over.

EmmasRegurgitatedShrimps · 04/07/2023 12:35

“Toxic” eh? He’s trying to make you doubt yourself, planting seeds of craziness. As a pp said, painting you as needy and demanding. And why is becoming a couple his decision?

Run, my friend, run like the wind.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 12:37

Notice how it took him under 2 hours to respond to your text calling it a day because his sex supply was threatened?

I agree with all other posters, he's manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty about ending it, especially mentioning his deceased parents.

Caravanvirgin · 04/07/2023 12:37

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

That he is manipulative, game playing shit and you definitely made the right decision to end it.

2bazookas · 04/07/2023 12:38

My last boyfriend was crazy about me, and asked me to be his girlfriend after a matter of weeks and it was a brilliant relationship (even though it ended). He told me he was falling in love shortly after*

Only, LBF was not crazy about you, and he didn't fall in love. The "brilliant relationship" ENDED.

Your man-meter is broken. Probably smashed by the love-bomber.