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Original poster

He doesn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive yet

151 replies

Goldenhour3 · 03/07/2023 20:56

Hi everyone,

A bit of background. I’m 24, he’s 36. We met on a dating app. We’ve been dating for over two months now - and have been having sex since the fourth date. A week ago, I asked him where he thought the relationship was going (given that we’d not spoken about exclusivity yet). He said he was looking for a long term relationship and was enjoying getting to know me, but that he didn’t want to rush into a relationship yet, because it didn’t end well when he rushed into a relationship with his last girlfriend. He said he wasn’t speaking/seeing anyone else. I told him that I wasn’t happy with that and that I’d prefer to call it a day. I also raised other concerns, namely that we don’t have a lot of time to see each other because of his work commitments (and child).

Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time, and that he’s going to drop some of his work commitments to see me, blah blah blah. Anyway, he’s not yet asked, and we’re still drifting along. We’re also both still on dating apps even though he’s said he’s logged out.

My last boyfriend was crazy about me, and asked me to be his girlfriend after a matter of weeks and it was a brilliant relationship (even though it ended). He told me he was falling in love shortly after. I can’t help feeling that that is what love and passion is supposed to be like rather than all these wishy-washy uncertainties.

On the one hand, he’s nice, handsome, thoughtful, introverted like me, and he was very determined to say all the right things when I said we should go our own separate ways. On the other, he takes 8 hours to respond to texts, doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy about exclusivity.

Do I just call it a day or persevere? Maybe he does just genuinely want it to “develop naturally”?

Sorry for the long ramble!

OP posts:
Creepyrosemary · 04/07/2023 05:32

He's just not that into you. A man that is into you will let you know and get exclusivity because he's fucking scared that someone else might date you.

Donotshushme · 04/07/2023 05:49

Why are you so keen to have exclusivity with this?

"On the other, he takes 8 hours to respond to texts, doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy about exclusivity."

You deserve someone who is actually into you. Move on.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 04/07/2023 05:49

Actions speak louder than words. He may want a long term relationship but, and sorry to be harsh OP, he does not want one with you.

Sycamorethanever · 04/07/2023 05:58

AlyssumandHelianthus · 03/07/2023 21:56

I feel so sorry for younger people dating these days. Just the idea that when you are obviously going out with someone they can just shag someone else and effectively dump you because they haven't said they're 'exclusive' yet. What bollocks! What absolute using bollocks! And then because you've bought into that crap you're not even allowed to be pissed off! It's such crap.
You're worth more than that!

This. What a load of shite. I had no idea things had moved to this until I saw Love Island and thought it was weird at first, then madly skewed in favour of those that like having their cake and eating it.

As others have said, he’s just not that into you. Get rid and find someone that appreciates you and makes you laugh.

Denise82 · 04/07/2023 06:08

End it. You are at different stages in your lives with different responsibilities. It won't work. It's only been 2 months take that as a blessing that you haven't wasted more time on it.

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 06:12

"wants to ask at the right time,"???

Either you're together or you're not. This isn't a marriage you're talking about.

Drop him. He's not that into you. He'd drop everything like a shot if he thought you might be right for him.

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 06:12

Also do not waste time on someone who doesn't make you laugh. What else is there to life?

StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 06:17

He's stringing you along and you're almost falling for it. In fact, you've shown him how to manipulate you.
It looks like he might 'want a long term relationship' with someone, but he doesn't think highly enough of you to commit. Sack him.
Bag up his stuff, put it outside your door, and text him to collect it before it's stolen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 06:19

On the one hand, he’s nice, handsome, thoughtful, introverted like me, and he was very determined to say all the right things when I said we should go our own separate ways. On the other, he takes 8 hours to respond to texts, doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy about exclusivity.

First set of thing? Look good on paper. Second set of things? What you actually need to make you happy.

Bin him and his stuff. Not really. Bin him and ask if he wants to pick his stuff up from outside your door.

Rewis · 04/07/2023 06:45

Almost middle aged single dad who takes 8h to respond to texts, doesn't make you laugh, doesn't actually show interest in by not asking anything about you when you do meet up.

If he has kids I can understand being cautious about getting into a relationship. What does he bring to the table?

FireflyJar · 04/07/2023 06:52

Goldenhour3 · 03/07/2023 21:37

I feel like such an idiot. I want to call it a day but he’s left stuff at my house. Do I just bin it?

@Pinkbonbon He said he does want a long-term relationship.

Look he's just not that in to you, only into the sex. Someone has already thrown him back in the sea and he doesn't want to get wet again just yet. In 6 years he will be 40 with a 14 year old kid, and you will be on MN wondering why you can't have a baby with your long term boyfriend. Yahda yahda - you rt the picture?
As for his stuff, text him and tell him it's outside waiting for him

TarquinOliverNimrod · 04/07/2023 06:57

Look, he doesn’t make you laugh. That’s all you need to know 🤷🏻‍♀️

FireflyJar · 04/07/2023 06:58

Sorry, even worse 4 years before he's 40!!!!

gannett · 04/07/2023 07:03

doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself

Never mind anything else, these two things alone suggest you're not into him and there isn't a real connection. Which is perhaps why he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. Refusing exclusivity after two months is literally saying "this is only a casual thing until we both find people we actually connect with", there's no ambiguity about it. (I'll defend the 8-hour replies as someone who can take a lot longer than that to reply to messages.)

If you want more than a casual fling then you need to end it because he's not offering anything else. Get him to collect his stuff, binning it would make you seem a touch crazy.

Rewis · 04/07/2023 07:08

Goldenhour3 · 03/07/2023 21:37

I feel like such an idiot. I want to call it a day but he’s left stuff at my house. Do I just bin it?

@Pinkbonbon He said he does want a long-term relationship.

Depends what it is. If you're gonna break up in person then hand it to him. If over the phone then ask him what he wants to do with it or just drop it off to him.

Also don't feel like an idiot. This is exactly what dating is for and you figured it out jn two months. I'd call this successfully dating experience. Plus if the sex was good then I'd call it a win.

Autumntimeagain · 04/07/2023 07:12

OP his actions tell you all you need to know. He's only half arsing in this 'relationship', regardless of the crap he says !

He's just saying the words you want to hear, but he's showing you the truth with his actions. Don't fall for it.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 04/07/2023 07:17

Rewis · 04/07/2023 07:08

Depends what it is. If you're gonna break up in person then hand it to him. If over the phone then ask him what he wants to do with it or just drop it off to him.

Also don't feel like an idiot. This is exactly what dating is for and you figured it out jn two months. I'd call this successfully dating experience. Plus if the sex was good then I'd call it a win.

Show quote history

Oh god don’t bother phoning him, it’s been two months, just text him and rip the plaster off. You don’t owe him a bloody phone call.

GeriatricMumma · 04/07/2023 07:17

You are both still on dating apps??

Sounds like you aren't committed either??

Whendoesmydietstart · 04/07/2023 07:19

I'm quite a lot older than you, I'm probably more your mum's age. When I was dating if you wanted sex then fine, but no sex before monogamy was always the rule if you were looking for something more than a couple of one night stands. If you do like him tell him that this relationship is making you feel insecure, and you want to either date properly, putting sex on the back burner until you are exclusive, or stop seeing each other. It's all going his way so far.

BigButtons · 04/07/2023 07:19

Saying you are exclusive and him actually being exclusive are 2 different things.
don’t listen to words- the are meaningless . What he does, he actions are the things that tell you all you need to know.
go and find someone better than him. Any woman his own age would not put up with this rubbish, that’s why he has chosen a younger woman. After you it will most likely be another naive hopeful.

Mercymymercyme · 04/07/2023 07:23

He doesn’t make you laugh and doesn’t ask questions about one. One of these alone is enough to end it.

You need to look at why you were hoping for a relationship to progress with a man who does not make you laugh and does not ask about you.

PrimalOwl10 · 04/07/2023 07:24

Call it a day you're young with no attachements. He's got a child and clearly keeping his options open. You deserve better.

whattodo22222 · 04/07/2023 07:24

Just to add OP, you said he's left stuff at your house. Have you been to his house?

GoldDuster · 04/07/2023 07:29

Forget what he says, concentrate on what he does. Apply this to humans in general.

doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy

Why are you keen for another day of this, let alone exclusivity? Text him and tell him you've decided you don't want to continue seeing him and his stuff is outside in a bin bag, unless you know where he lives, in which case do a drive by and drop it off.

Next.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 07:33

He’s half your age again, he’s boring, not funny, not interested in you and he has a child. Bin him.

You can do much, much better. Don’t pester to be involved in his boring and likely complicated life. You’re young. You have lots of time.