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Original poster

He doesn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive yet

151 replies

Goldenhour3 · 03/07/2023 20:56

Hi everyone,

A bit of background. I’m 24, he’s 36. We met on a dating app. We’ve been dating for over two months now - and have been having sex since the fourth date. A week ago, I asked him where he thought the relationship was going (given that we’d not spoken about exclusivity yet). He said he was looking for a long term relationship and was enjoying getting to know me, but that he didn’t want to rush into a relationship yet, because it didn’t end well when he rushed into a relationship with his last girlfriend. He said he wasn’t speaking/seeing anyone else. I told him that I wasn’t happy with that and that I’d prefer to call it a day. I also raised other concerns, namely that we don’t have a lot of time to see each other because of his work commitments (and child).

Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time, and that he’s going to drop some of his work commitments to see me, blah blah blah. Anyway, he’s not yet asked, and we’re still drifting along. We’re also both still on dating apps even though he’s said he’s logged out.

My last boyfriend was crazy about me, and asked me to be his girlfriend after a matter of weeks and it was a brilliant relationship (even though it ended). He told me he was falling in love shortly after. I can’t help feeling that that is what love and passion is supposed to be like rather than all these wishy-washy uncertainties.

On the one hand, he’s nice, handsome, thoughtful, introverted like me, and he was very determined to say all the right things when I said we should go our own separate ways. On the other, he takes 8 hours to respond to texts, doesn’t make me laugh, very rarely asks me questions about myself, and is wishywashy about exclusivity.

Do I just call it a day or persevere? Maybe he does just genuinely want it to “develop naturally”?

Sorry for the long ramble!

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 07:33

He’s half your age again, he’s boring, not funny, not interested in you and he has a child. Bin him.

You can do much, much better. Don’t pester to be involved in his boring and likely complicated life. You’re young. You have lots of time.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/07/2023 07:57

You're selling yourself short getting involved with a 12 years older man who already has a child by another woman at your age.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/07/2023 07:58

And as for the lack of commitment; the phrase from one of my favourite YouTubers comes to mind "not ready for commitment but somehow always really to fuck".

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2023 08:04

Op - the reason men his age go for women yours, is because you tolerate this crap, his age women wouldn't. It is an immediate (possible) red flag.

AssertiveGertrude · 04/07/2023 08:10

He’s too old for you !!!!

Celynfour · 04/07/2023 08:16

There’s nothing wrong with him only wanting to be in a casual relationship . He’s much older than you , has a lot of work commitments and a child . I’m older than him (and a woman of that matters ) with serious job and children and I would be happy with the scenario you’re describing because I don’t have time or energy for anything else .
the ONLY thing that matters is are you happy with it ?
The rest of it is a bit irrelevant . He’s been honest with you . For all of those people calling him a chancer and a loser and a prick - he has as much right to set boundaries as OP.
And OP gets to choose if that’s for her or now.
Work out what you want and need at your life stage and acknowledge that maybe you just want different things. And go and have fun and find the scenario that is right for ykh.

Celynfour · 04/07/2023 08:18

And as for ‘taking 8 hours ‘ to reply .
If that’s the benchmark for a relationship these days , I despair .

FOJN · 04/07/2023 08:30

Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time,

Right time for who? Why are you waiting for him to make that decision?

Stop accepting crumbs. If he can't decide he wants to expend his energy getting to know you exclusively after two months then he's just not that into you.

Don't give him more time or chances, he's stringing you along so that he can ditch you when he gets a better offer and not feel bad because he didn't make you any promises.

Throw him back and move on.

CornishTiger · 04/07/2023 08:42

A man who really likes you doesn’t leave you in any doubt about how he feels.

No maybes, no leaving you on read for 8 hrs, no when the time is right, no breadcrumbing.

There are red flags all over this guy. Don’t become the red flag by persisting in it.

12 years is huge at this stage of your life.

billy1966 · 04/07/2023 08:44

He's giving you the run a round.

12 years older? Ick.

Dump him.

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 08:45

You're 24. From someone who did exactly this - don't saddle yourself with someone with a kid if you don't have one yourself. It reflects poorly on him that he would seek out someone so young when those are his circumstances. He's too old for you, and you're not even that enamoured with him, which might have made the age gap and baggage seem worth it. You'd be a fool not to end it!

Onthelow · 04/07/2023 08:46

Find someone who acts like they can’t wait to see you.

SoWhatEh · 04/07/2023 08:48

You want something he doesn't want to offer. It's important to you. I'd move on and give yourself the chance to meet someone who really falls for you.

Original poster
Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 08:56

Hi all,

Thanks for all your messages. You’ve made me wake up and smell the coffee, so have sent a message calling it a day. I’ve offered to send his stuff back. Feel strangely good - I don’t want crumbs, I want someone that’s mad about me like my ex was.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 04/07/2023 08:58

Hurray!

Jongleterre · 04/07/2023 09:01

You are not in a relationship other than being 'fuck buddies' - I think that's the modern day term that's used for these sets ups.

He is t going to commit as he likes his freedom and you are there dangling on a piece of string for him.

You are young, don't waste your youth on him and find a man who wants the same things you want.

Original poster
Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
BadLad · 04/07/2023 10:25

Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time,

Blimey. Just becoming someone’s girlfriend now requires a proposal, does it?

Pretentious tosser.

billy1966 · 04/07/2023 10:28

BadLad · 04/07/2023 10:25

Anyway, he’s since made all the right noises, saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend but he wants to ask at the right time,

Blimey. Just becoming someone’s girlfriend now requires a proposal, does it?

Pretentious tosser.

This.

Waste more time if you like it's your time to waste.

SmartyPlants · 04/07/2023 10:30

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Reread your previous post (about not just wanting crumbs) and that is your answer. This is too little, too late.

romdowa · 04/07/2023 10:33

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

More bullshit 🙄🙄 just tell him his stuff is outside your place and then block. You are 24! Why are you putting up with this ? He sounds boring and weird. You can definitely do better

SpringleDingle · 04/07/2023 10:45

If he loved you, he would tell you
If he missed you, he would call
If he wants you to meet his momma
Then he would bring you home
Oh, there ain't no excuse
He ain't Mr. Misunderstood
Quit lying to yourself
If he wanted to, he would
If he wanted to, he would

Kylie Morgan said it so well. Quit listening to his lies and bullshit. If he wanted to he would! Walk away now or you'll be back here over and over again with the same issue. He won't commit and he'll fuck with your head.

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 10:46

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

You should think that it doesn't matter if he was going to ask you to be his girlfriend, he's not the perfect guy that fills you with joy and he's got tons of baggage that would have a HUGE impact on your life. You can do better!

Rockschooldropout · 04/07/2023 10:55

Goldenhour3 · 04/07/2023 10:25

He’s now sent me a 500-odd word text about how he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend when we went away for the weekend. And that he’s been reluctant to rush into a relationship because of his experience with his ex 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s also told me constant texting isn’t healthy and is actually toxic. He said he didn’t respond until 8 hours later yesterday because he was upset after going through old photos of his (deceased) parents. I don’t know what to think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ugghhh - what a load of absolute rubbish , he’s freaking out that his sex on tap is about to vanish “ask you to be his gf” how old is he ? 12 ?!!
Wave him goodbye , this one has headfuckery written all over it aside from the fact that he sounds about as exciting as an evening watching laundry dry

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/07/2023 10:57

This is such a palava and it should be really simple. Two months to even decide whether he wants to be exclusive or not is pathetic. Telling you he 'was going to ask you at the weekend' is risible. He is just saying what he thinks you want to hear to keep you on the hook. His ex is a huge red herring because YOU AREN'T HIS EX. The fact that he keeps emoting about her makes me think the reason he is hanging back on being exclusive is he's hoping she'll come back.

You need to be dating someone who knows what he wants and that what he wants is you, not someone who is willing to have sex with you and God knows who else and passes it off as being scared you are the reincarnation of his ex.

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