I can’t rely on DH

[Inthethickofitall]

I need some outside perspective here. It isn’t that DH and I have a bad relationship, we don’t, rarely argue, have a nice life. But I just can’t really rely on him because if I’m totally honest I don’t know that he sees me as massively important.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant. He said that he’d be around, he isn’t, he’s all over the country. He said he could take two weeks paternity leave, now he can’t. It is so hard at the moment as I’m really struggling in this last phase of pregnancy and feel weak and useless. I’d just really like to feel like I’m his priority!

You say you don't have a 'bad' relationship - but you don't have a good relationship do you. You can't rely on him and he doesn't see you as important even when you're heavily pregnant. He's a terrible husband.

Sounds a bit shit

but is it work related?

Not many women about to give birth are posting about not being able to rely on their husband - unless they have a pretty shit relationship op

@SweetAndSourChick3n the thing with statements like that is that they don’t take into account that most of the time, I don’t have to rely on him and he doesn’t need me to!

As far as I can work out, DH does tend to fixate massively on one thing sometimes, and it is as if the world at large ceases to exist when this happens. It’s annoying, I’ll grant you, but in isolation I wouldn’t say makes him a terrible person. So if you think maybe four years ago I could say DH, could you go to the shop and get X and he says yes and doesn’t I can go myself … bit annoying but no more than an eye roll. Then I’m in a situation where I can’t, and it’s not a mere eye roll, it’s beyond frustrating.

I don’t know - just feeling a tad vulnerable!

most of the time, I don’t have to rely on him and he doesn’t need me to!

that is about to change. Big time. In about a fortnight infact.

I am aware @Fiddlesticks82 , it is a second child!

So how did it go with our first and all the many times since then that you have had to rely on him?

and is all this related to work commitments?

Often, yes … it’s hard because he doesn’t tend to talk to me loads about work and I don’t fully understand what he does. I do think it can be quite pressured and that he has pressure put on him. I just wish he’d explain that to me, thinking about it.

First time - absolute shit show to be honest, not in all aspects. but that was in the midst of COVID and hard to say how much was that.

Good luck op

@Fiddlesticks82 maybe you want to be helpful. I don’t know. It reads like you’re really enjoying someone else’s shit situation. If that’s the case, it doesn’t reflect particularly well on you. Actually, I think regardless of your intent, your comments here just aren’t going to be helpful.

I am sure there is a traffic accident or someone at A and E you can go peer at.

Harsh as it is then op, no one can really advise or help. @Fiddlesticks82 is right. What would you like us to help or advise on?
He was shit the first time, you still got pregnant again the second.
No, he doesn't prioritise you.

It helps to post and to talk about how best to approach it. Even if no one can help - OK, but that’s preferable to a sneering ‘Good luck.’

As with many things, pregnancy can make you feel pretty vulnerable. I’ve been feeling pretty wretched for a few weeks now, and I know this isn’t what people are used to when they think of me. I’m normally pretty capable. I’m sure I’ll be fine after the baby, it is just that for the next week or so it would be nice to feel I am being prioritised a little more! Equally though the world can’t stop because I am heavily pregnant and I do get that.

Well, the thing is @Skipthissteppls , maybe that’s true but in isolation it’s neither comforting nor helpful. Is it?

Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? As in actually used the words "I feel unimportant to you", because I know if I was feeling that way it'd devastate my husband - is yours aware that he's making you feel so unimportant and vulnerable? A caring, loving partner wouldn't do that knowingly.

What are you looking for?

Just to vent without anyone else agreeing he sounds like a huge waste of space?

Or for people to tell you you’re being unreasonable and it’s normal to not be able to rely on the father of your child for anything ever?

@BreviloquentBastard this probably is what I need to do.

The problem is at least in part that it isn’t just about what he does - from my point of view anyway. If he said to me I am so sorry, I’ve been asked to go to X place on Friday. I’ll try and get out of it but if I can’t, I’ll make sure that … then that would be one thing. As it is it’s as if it’s just a normal day and I’m on holiday or something! It’s hard to express that in some ways.

It’s also hard because I know incessant moaning is really not good (although I feel I could!) and have had this drummed into me since childhood that people who whinge are dull so I tend to automatically go for the bright smile and ‘yes, not so bad thanks!’ when actually I feel awful. So in many ways it is my fault!

How can you not understand what he does for work?

Is he an undercover police officer or a money launderer??

I don't understand how you can have a loving and close relationship and don't know what the other one does.

The last thing I want is for a silly argument to break out, but surely it doesn’t need to be said that some comments are unhelpful.

If you think my relationship is dire, doomed for all time then say so. There is not an awful lot I can do at present but by all means, if it is your honestly held opinion, fine.

IMO, what is not really fine is jeering and sneering. This is relationships, there are people (I am not one of them) in awful situations. It isn’t hard to have a kind ‘tone’.

I frequently see threads I do not answer as I have nothing useful to say. It would be good if posters followed that. I may be putting on a bright ish exterior but I am struggling physically and mentally just now.

It's really sad OP that you felt the need to write that the world doesn't revolve around you because you're heavily pregnant. No it doesn't but your husbands at the very least should. However, I get the need to rant if you feel unable to bring this up with him. I'm guessing you have built a strong, independent personna partly due to the fact that you know you are on your own. So, my advice is to get yourself into that headspace. You can do this, you did it the first time with little support im assuming, you can do it again. He wont change, this is who he is but now is not the time to be dwelling on it. Good luck 💐

Well, I suppose I don’t understand what you don’t understand, to be honest.

I understand astronauts go into space but I do not really understand how they get there, to give a very glamorous example!

DH’s role is not as exciting as that, but it is fairly intricate and involves something I (and probably most people) don’t really know a huge amount about or give much thought to.

Just say you don't often ask him to step up, and often you can handle being second/third priority or whatever, but right now you need him to come through for you and critically, his family. Otherwise ask him what the point is?

Not quite @pillsthrillsandbellyache , I’ve been fairly independent from an early age, and I am bad at asking for help. It’s possibly a bad combination of personalities in some ways, I don’t like being vulnerable, DH isn’t great at reading between the lines …

I think your life is going to become much harder when the second baby comes. It is so much extra work having two.

You need a serious talk with DH. No 2 weeks paternity - that's illegal

He absolutely can take paternity leave. You need to have a proper conversation about how you are feeling and struggling. He is either ignorant to it, or doesn't care, and I'd really want to find out which! Ignorance can be fixed, if he wants it to be