I can’t rely on DH

[Inthethickofitall]

I need some outside perspective here. It isn’t that DH and I have a bad relationship, we don’t, rarely argue, have a nice life. But I just can’t really rely on him because if I’m totally honest I don’t know that he sees me as massively important.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant. He said that he’d be around, he isn’t, he’s all over the country. He said he could take two weeks paternity leave, now he can’t. It is so hard at the moment as I’m really struggling in this last phase of pregnancy and feel weak and useless. I’d just really like to feel like I’m his priority!

How is he as a father to your eldest?

Well I certainly didn't read @Fiddlesticks82 posts in the same way you did.

And I really don't know what you want from this

Just a vent?

OP, it sounds to me like you're a very capable person who doesn't like asking for help. And as a result, I suspect you've slipped into a habit within your relationship where he is quite happy to leave you to get on with things becuase it's easier for him and you have, previously, been okay with that. Just a guess, but I will put money on some the things you don't ask for "help on" including things that most of us would consider shared responsibilities anyway - cooking, cleaning, childcare etc.

Unfortunately, there is no doubt that a certain type of man actively looks for a woman like this. He might not even be aware he's doing it, but it allows him to carry on with his life, prioritising his career, his needs, his wants, with very little blowback while still having a nice life that includes things like a wife, and a house and children.

My advice is to talk to him honestly. If he's just oblivious (and not in fact a complete wanker) it might help. Be vulnerable. He' your husband so the one person you should be able to be vulnerable in front of. Tell him what you need and see what happens.

It may be that he simply can't or won't step up. But you have to try to break this relationship habit.

He isn’t self employed. One of the biggest problems with this thread has been people insisting I have said things I haven’t!

It still seems bizarre OP that he hasn't requested to not work away so late into your pregnancy or the fact you don't seem to have had this discussion with him.

It's not about knowing the full ins and outs of his job but with another child about a c section can be a lot harder and he should be preparing to help you and having those conversations with his employers.

Recovery from major abdominal surgery when you already have a small child is going to require the full two weeks off for your husband.

What is your husband's understanding of the surgery you may end up having? Surgery in general?

I'm going to assume he has never experienced surgery himself.

You need to speak up on your own behalf. Spell it out to him that he needs to take his full two weeks.

As an aside, I can't imagine a workplace where colleagues would be anything but utterly gobsmacked (and not in a good way) that a man had left his wife on her own to look after herself, the baby, and a small child one week after a CS. If he thinks he's earning brownie points for dedication to duty, he needs to rethink. Taking so little time when his wife needs him is going to create a horrible impression.

When you have a certain income level and up know a baby is on the way, likely by CS, you put money aside so you can afford to take two weeks off work. You make some sacrifices. You have at least 7-8 months to prepare.

You do this if you are a man who cares about his wife.

Can he not take holiday leave? Surely he’s entitled to that paid?