I can’t rely on DH

[Inthethickofitall]

I need some outside perspective here. It isn’t that DH and I have a bad relationship, we don’t, rarely argue, have a nice life. But I just can’t really rely on him because if I’m totally honest I don’t know that he sees me as massively important.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant. He said that he’d be around, he isn’t, he’s all over the country. He said he could take two weeks paternity leave, now he can’t. It is so hard at the moment as I’m really struggling in this last phase of pregnancy and feel weak and useless. I’d just really like to feel like I’m his priority!

https://joysauce.com/podcast/hairy-butthole/e50/ Here is a very good podcast on why people from certain childhoods insist on being seen as always “ok” and “just fine” and have such negative reactions to other people’s expressions of empathy.

It’s a fair point @MrsTerryPratchett . I just mean to illustrate it isn’t a snipey sort of relationship as a rule. There’s definitely nothing wrong with bringing things up respectfully and generally I can do this but this seems harder as it is more to do with how things feel than now they are, if that makes sense.

OP, I know from experience that it can be surprisingly hurtful to read some replies on threads I have started, somehow I didn't expect the written word of strangers to affect me as much as it did.

It isn't really worth engaging, hard though it is to resist.

I don't understand how you can be so confronting on here yet not ask for very normal expectations from your husband.
If he isn't any good at reading between the lines then you need to find the gumption you have on MN and be direct about what you need from him.

You sound completely in the dark about his job what it entails and finances, how is that? How did you not know that it wasn't financially viable to take paternity leave before now?

OP, you said you are usually independent and don't ask for help. It sounds like you mask your feelings for fear of being seen as weak or not coping? And that's how you are actually feeling at the moment? Apologies if I have that wrong.

Yes your DH should be able to tell when you are wearing your mask but if he's distracted or stressed with work then it will be easier for him to not acknowledge this as you usually cope well and he can pretend everything's fine. Whilst that works for both of you normally, you are particularly vulnerable at this late stage in your pregnancy. You want to feel seen and be supported.

In the short term, all you can do is sit down and have a really honest conversation with him about how you are feeling and tell him what you need from him. No blame or arguments, simply facts. How he responds will tell you a lot.

In the longer term, maybe think about whether counselling will be helpful to unlearn those patterns of hiding your feelings. Being clear about your own needs is not selfish. Open communication is key here.

You can use;

When (describe the behaviour)
I feel (describe your feelings with I statements)
Because (talk about core values, hopefully shared ones)
Please (ask for the behaviour you want)

"When you say you'll take paternity and don't I feel anxious/sad, because I want to be in this together/looked after/etc. Please prioritise being around for this period."

Then see what he says.

I don’t think I’m being especially confronting. If DH said anything like some
of the replies on here I’d be long gone.

My understanding was that paid paternity leave was a legal right-am I misunderstanding? Or is he self employed?

But thinking about it I do think the issue is we haven’t seen an awful lot of one another lately, strange as this may sound. He’s at work until 7, by the time I’ve sorted DC1 it’s half seven and it’s quite uncomfortable for me to sit down so I go to bed at half eight, not necessarily to sleep but so I can lie down. So maybe an hour together a day which isn’t great really.

I am also feeling a bit let down by all sorts of things, not just DH, and if I’m honest that extends to here. I mean yes there’s talking bluntly but surely (surely) people can appreciate coming at me with sneery comments and sarcastic comebacks is not helpful.

And all the talk about jobs. I mean, think, there are people who literally have a job involving shit, sewage works or whatever, or very dry admin jobs or jobs that involve high levels of privacy. Not talking about such things over the dinner table doesn’t mean you don’t talk!

Anyway, will have a think. There are some kind posts on here which I do appreciate.

OP. I never fought with my ex. He was tremendously self-centred. I did everything (sold to me as being 'part of the team') - of course that made me very busy, so I became 'boring' and he started playing away (drugs also involved by that point). So I ended it, and he barely even bothers to see the kids one daytime a fortnight.

Long story short, decide what you're prepared to accept, assert your boundaries, and deal with the fallout. Maybe your partner isn't the waste of air/shit father mine has turned out to be

@CurlewKate it is paid but not very much.

“There’s definitely nothing wrong with bringing things up respectfully and generally I can do this but this seems harder as it is more to do with how things feel than now they are, if that makes sense.”

What is the difference—to you—between “how things are” and “how things feel”? Do you think that there is some hard and fast distinction there? Like “I feel like I don’t matter” isn’t real, or not really important? What is more really important than feelings? Are you expected to just grind out this existence just coping with things like an automaton?

I get the sense that you were brought up to feel like you had to make a “rational” argument, stripped of emotion , to get any need met. So no asking for new shoes to match with friends or feel good, only ask for them if you gave worn out the old ones. No asking DH to stay home with you because you would like to snuggle on the couch and express anxiety about the shift from three to four in the household. You feel obligated to make a specific case why his day or his choices should be compromised—no one else is available to perform a specific task do he must do it. But that kind of legalistic case making is self limiting. Its demeaning. And it never really feels good. Instead of feeling loved snd cherished you end up feeling like a supplicant asking the bank manager for a loan, or an employee asking the boss for the gift of flexibility in a work situation

I second Mrs Terry Pratchetts wise advice, by the way.

What did you say when he revealed he wasn't taking paternity?

It is shit that you feel you can't rely on him OP, my OH is the one person in the world who I know has my back. My upbringing meant i was pretty much on my own from 16 and i dont let many people 'in' but my god, I love the fact that I have someone who, if I drop the ball, is there to pick it straight up. So he comes back at 7pm by which time you have got the little one sorted for bed... can that be left till he gets back so he can do it? It sounds to me like he is very much living his life as a non parent. Does he engage with parenting on a weekend?

I think you have answered your own question here.

You need to practice being good at asking for help starting right now.

You need to spell out very clearly what you need and why you need it.

You may also need to stand in front of the mirror and practice asking as well as telling yourself that you deserve help because you do.

If you can't rely on him, especially when you're vulnerable because you're carrying the baby you made together, then be honest. He isn't great is he...

Your should be directing your anger to your husband, not mumsnetters.

Literally feel like this could be me in this situation all just wanted to say your not alone.

All i can say is get support from those who can give it, I'm relying on my mum and dad a but to give me a break from looking after toddler once a week and i try to ask my other half to do something with the toddler at night, either bathtime or bedtime. But not both as prob would be asking too much if i did knowing my luck.

I think we just have to power through as best as we can and hope that recovery from giving birth isn't too bad.

Just try to get him to do one or two things that genuinly help you let evening or when he is at home. Got to tell him directly, your tired and pregnant and be honest about how your feeling.. please can you do this blah blah blah.

Was he like this with the first one?

Did he actually want another child?

What you’re saying here is it’s fine as you’re usually pretty independent. But that’s what you’d say about a casual friend. It’s not a relationship if it’s only fine when you don’t need anything from him! My Dh did used to be crap when I was sick and leave me to look after babies, I told him it was the end of our marriage if he didn’t change so I’d have divorced your husband for sure.

why can’t he take paternity leave? Do they not do paid paternity at all (is that legal?) or is he saying they won’t give it to him? You need to know this. Legally he must be able to take unpaid, do you know you can’t afford this or did he just tell you that? Have you looked at it yourself to see if you can afford it? Have you told him you need him and however hard it is to wangle he’s had 8 months notice and MUST WORK SOMETHING OUT SO HE IS HOME. Have you told him What is the point of you if you aren’t here when I and your children really need you? If we aren’t your priority the week after birth then I have imagined everything we have between us and it’s all a lie? Try being very very clear. We all need help sometimes.