I can’t rely on DH

[Inthethickofitall]

I need some outside perspective here. It isn’t that DH and I have a bad relationship, we don’t, rarely argue, have a nice life. But I just can’t really rely on him because if I’m totally honest I don’t know that he sees me as massively important.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant. He said that he’d be around, he isn’t, he’s all over the country. He said he could take two weeks paternity leave, now he can’t. It is so hard at the moment as I’m really struggling in this last phase of pregnancy and feel weak and useless. I’d just really like to feel like I’m his priority!

Fair enough @Inthethickofitall . Brace yourself, the newborn stage doesn't last long as you know. As long as he does his bit when he is at home! Don't be afraid to tell him bluntly what it is you need if he doesn't get it.

You need to talk to him about how you feel. It's one thing to make you feel unimportant if he's unaware of how you feel but to continue doing so once you've told him how you feel is another...

Sorry you are feeling anxious and vulnerable O.P, l can understand why as your partners attitude sounds very selfish. l would be reminding him that they are his children too and insisting on him being available to help out.
Does he actually know that you feel vulnerable and wretched when of course you should be feeling prioritised and supported? If not then you should share your worries. lf he refuses to help you then l hope you can get some support from friends or family, especially with a toddler to look after as well as a new baby.

Oh OP you have my sympathies. Ultimately this was why I divorced my exH. He was a selfish prick, and whenever I actually needed anything from him, he wasn't there. Or rather, he didn't care enough to make me his priority.

I truly hope that you have a very stern word bollocking with him that he needs to step up and pull his weight because there are 2 people in a relationship. If he isn't benefitting you being in the relationship, what's the point? Would the realistic threat of being dumped, and the subsequent requirement to parent 50/50 scare the shit out of him enough to provoke a change of attitude?

It's time to read him the riot act. Before your life gets ultimately more chaotic in 2 weeks time.

Op, I would urge you to bring this up quite seriously. You can be brief and let him know you don’t expect a response straight away, but you need to say what you need. It’s not just necessary for you, it’s necessary for your kids. It’s unfair to leave you alone managing two whilst he makes poor choices and doesn’t support his family.

You’ve literally described me and my DH to a T 😂 also 36 weeks pregnant with 2nd and I’m just communicating and (maybe) wingeing a lot, and he knows I don’t usually, so he’s showing me empathy and kindness until I get over it!

I would like to thank posters who have a kinder tone to their posts. I will try to answer properly later. @Hopskipandathrow well, to be totally honest, the ins and outs of what he does is pretty technical. Even if he explained it to me in depth it is unlikely I would understand it, because I am not trained (at all) in that area. But perhaps it is a sign of a doomed relationship. Who knows.

But of all the people in the world you shouldn't have to wear the fake bright smile it's him!

It's not moaning or whining to tell your significant other you're struggling. It sounds like you're not asking for much, just for him to have you and your child/ren in the forefront of his decision making, which is not a big ask at all. It's where you should be. He sounds like the sort of person who becomes laser focused and everything else fades to the background - that's fine when you're single but not fine when you're a husband and father and have a pregnant wife at home.

He needs to realise this and commit to making changes in his behaviour. It won't be easy at all, but why should you be miserable while he remains oblivious? That's not good for you, him or your children!

@Inthethickofitall First time - absolute shit show to be honest, not in all aspects. but that was in the midst of COVID and hard to say how much was that.

and then as it was not enough shit show the first one you decide to go for a second (?). You need to raise the bar with men OP, your partner sounds like a di-ck.

If you're used to being independent, finding yourself in a position where you have to ask for help can be really difficult, especially if you're not at all sure whether the help is going to come once you've had the courage to be vulnerable enough to ask for it.

That's not easy. If first time round was a shit show, you're probably worried number two will be too and it's unlikely he's going to morph into an interested focused partner if he can't be tasked with something as simple as going to the shop reliably. It doesn't matter what he does for a living, if he's focused on that to the exclusion of his pregnant wife and new baby, that's going to feel shit, astronaut or not. A repeat of number one probably feels really daunting, if it's any consolation I am also terrible at asking for help, my Ex was also very self oriented, and was a useless support, so I hear you. I realised I really was on my own and if I wasn't fully operational with a smile on my face requiring nothing of him then it all went to shit. The relationship only worked if there was no slack to pick up, and preganancy made this very starkly clear.

So Sandra. What do you suggest I do now? I get you understand everything about what made it a shit show - clearly, you do, right, so you know many factors were outside of the control of both of us.

I wonder if people knew how awful such comments are to read, if they knew their effects, if they would still make them? Probably.

@Hopskipandathrow i did …

Why can’t he take paternity leave? Isn’t that his right? What sort of industry is he in? I work in an investment bank and the execs take paternity leave when they need it.
you haven’t particularly described a great relationship if you don’t understand what he does for a living. Plus your trying to avoid an argument make it sound like you walk on eggshells around him?
From what you’ve described he wasn’t much different the first time around, so he’s probably just being himself.

Anyway look. The thread is not going to be helpful. At 38 weeks pregnant being told you’re a fool for being pregnant at all does not help. I will be fine but this thread is not going to help me be fine!

And yeah sorry what I mean is he can’t take paternity leave paid so we can’t afford it … sorry for being misleading. Was unintentional.

@Inthethickofitall If I were you, I'd start with the paternity leave. It's something concrete. Ask him why he can't take it. Then listen to what he says. He'll be expecting you to say "Oh yes, that's fine" or help him out. Don't. Just let him dig himself a hole.

I think you might consider looking hard at your childhood experience of being told and shown that asking for what you need = whingeing= trouble. Your posts have consistently expressed shame and self doubt about your desire to be cared for by your husband—your desire and critical need to have yourself and your children be cared for by the other adult in the household. You don’t seem to know this but being able to accept help, be cared for, demand consideration are healthy!

I’m lying in bed right now next to my dh of 28 years, two children, busy jobs. We are both highly independent functioning adults—but there was never a minute of my two pregnancies and labors, or a minute of our children’s lives, when I could not rely on him prioritizing us.

Your inability to speak up for yourself is half the problem. Your husband’s lazy egotism is the other. Work on yourself to try to understand what led you to chose someone so indifferent and uninterested in you. Would you have felt embarrassed or frightened of a partner who was more passionately interested in you, more attentive and attuned to you?

Something sad led to choosing this busy jerk. It will be scary and difficult to change course in the relationship. But if you don’t grow up and figure out what your needs are and proudly ask for them you will always be relegated to this appliance like role of silent helpmeet. You are not a Roomba, set to dust and dock itself. You are his wife and the mother of his children ! You are a human being! You deserve to be passionately cared for.

Well I am @Hopskipandathrow because some of these replies are bloody awful. So people actually want me to illegally terminate a full term pregnancy? No everyone says of course not. So stop saying sarcastically I shouldn’t have had another.

You mention 'not arguing' as the sign of a healthy relationship in your OP. I think this is the issue. Someone trained you that arguing in a relationship is bad. Arguing means two things:

That you care about the other person's opinion.
That both people will assert themselves to get their needs met.

Couples where no one argues, it usually means someone isn't getting their needs met. In this case, you. You will have to decide whether pretending to be happy, and therefore not arguing, is more important than getting your needs met. Forever. I know a couple who never argued and the man was utterly stunned when she walked out one day with no discussion. Left a note. It was glaringly obvious to me! He thought she was happy because she never asserted herself. She was miserable.

I'd suggest assertiveness courses but the first question is whether you actually want to change your relationship.