Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

432 replies

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:23

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/07/2023 10:21

My son bought me a very expensive box of chocolates and I said to him I’m saving these and I would be grateful if he didn’t just help himself and he agreed and then just did it anyway!

Bloody hell OP how Is he not under the patio yet?

katepilar · 02/07/2023 10:22

LittleOwl153 · 02/07/2023 00:11

The very facts that he LIES about taking stuff and HIDES his own stuff so no one can take it tells me this is a power play. Its no accident, no usual occurrence from childhood- its calculated. He knows what he's doing he just doesn't care enough about you / your kids to be bothered to respect you.

Show quote history

From what I understood from behaviour of my own family members these people dont necessarily fully realise what they are doing. They seem to be so self absorbed and only looking at their own needs, like a little child. They possibly have what drs would call a personality disorder which is not easy to treat with psychotherapy.

OP, you seem to have tried to get through him with no success. I would probably want him to get therapy if he doesnt want this marriage to end. I think you wanting a divorce might be the only wake up call for him.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:22

QueensBees · 02/07/2023 10:13

My DH is or rather was doing the same thing.
You might argue that with chocolate it’s not a real issue. But when it’s something you assume you have and find out at the last moment you dint have, it’s irritating to say the least.

eg I have a toiletry bag to go away at weekends etc… with toothbrush, small tube of toothpaste etc…
DH decided to use it then give it to dc.
So when the WE arrived and I finished preparing my stuff in the am, no toiletry bag. Cue for emptying the cupboard, DH denying he has touched it etc…

The person who had all the inconvenience was me. Not him.

And here lies the issue. When things are in common and have a set place, it’s fine. When they are not, it’s always the person whose stuff belongs to that ends up looking for it, replacing it and dealing with ‘make do’. It’s not ok.

Plus, the lies around that subject meant I struggle now to trust him when he w says ‘i didn’t touch it’….

Show quote history

Exactly this !

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 02/07/2023 10:23

...and if my Mum had brought someone into my home who stole from me, I'd be feeling VERY insecure.

ChocWeb · 02/07/2023 10:29

Totally get you OP, my DP is the same but is slowly getting better. I’ve brought my DC up to ask before taking something whatever it is because it’s respectful, so they don’t just take their siblings charger, clothes, belongings etc and 9 times of out 10 they’ll get told they can but it still doesn’t mean you just take it.

DP then comes on the scene and has the attitude that ‘why would I ask, it’s just a charger?’ His children are the same (obviously as that’s how they’re brought up) eldests phone broke so youngest gets told they’re having their phone taken off them as eldest ‘needs’ one so will be using theirs!

This also extends to treat food I’ve bought for myself, that he could perfectly well buy himself but because it’s there and he sees it he wants it and takes it! After a lot of discussions about it he will now ask before taking equipment etc, but the food thing is still a work in progress.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 02/07/2023 10:30

He's lying to you when he said he doesn't understand 'why'. You know this because he hides the things he buys and doesn't want to share. And note the horror about sharing his golf clubs.

He does get it. He just doesn't give a shit: what's his is his, and what's everyone else's appears to be his, too, if he decides he wants it.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:32

ImAOneWayMotorway · 02/07/2023 10:06

We honestly don't have "my food" we don't buy food for ourselves, it just goes in the fridge or cupboard and is there for eating. It takes us months and months to eat Easter and Christmas chocolate (which is for everyone no matter who received it), there's always some in the fridge so it isn't a novelty. Everything is just shared, at Christmas if family buy us a box of chocolate they tend to buy 1 per couple, we don't need 1 each! I honestly never realised people were like this over snacks. I honestly find this bizarre! Your house reminds me of living in a houseshare at uni and all having your own food cupboard, shelf in the fridge etc. You'll have locks on your cupboards with your name on next 😆.

Show quote history

It’s not uncommon or “bizarre” at all . My older children buy their own snacks a put them in a cyans ask other people me included to ask if they can have them . Everyone agrees to this including him , but if he just fancies it he takes it without asking.
just because you do things in your home doesn’t mean that how we do things is bizzare !

OP posts:
Brefugee · 02/07/2023 10:32

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:51

Yep , it’s been a constant battle between us for much of our relationship. He can be so kind in other ways but
he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people’s stuff.

Show quote history

he's a selfish twat, but frankly knowing he was like this, i wouldn't have married him.

Do you have DC?

JMAngel1 · 02/07/2023 10:32

I'm sorry but in a family everything belongs to family.
You're the one that's sounding selfish and frankly petty. A can of coke?

The only thing that my family knows is off limits is my skincare - anything kitchen related is fair game.

Brefugee · 02/07/2023 10:34

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:57

He said to me that because we are married we should share everything so I asked if I could borrow his golf clubs and he was horrified! 🤣

Show quote history

take them. Ask a friend to have them for 2 weeks. Then say "what? i just wanted them"

SweetStrawberrie · 02/07/2023 10:39

How are some people not understanding this?

My step dad used to be awful for it when I lived at home (paying full rent etc. before anyone comes for that angle and paying own bills). I would go to the shop on a Friday and get myself some treats to have over the weekend and they would be gone by the following day after I'd gone to bed.

Imagine, you go to the cupboard/fridge, you've spent 20 quid on nice food for yourself to have over the weekend and it's all gone. Now i'm 40 pounds down because I have to rebuy it all and pissed off because I brought them as a treat for ME.

I am not a selfish person at all, and will always share if i am in a room with my family eating said treats but I really don't expect my stuff to all be taken before I've had a chance, it's so rude.

Same with my brother when we all lived under one roof, always taking my money if it was on the side.

Not sure how any of the above is remotely complicated or bizzare.

Sounds like OPs husband sees everything under their roof as his.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:40

JMAngel1 · 02/07/2023 10:32

I'm sorry but in a family everything belongs to family.
You're the one that's sounding selfish and frankly petty. A can of coke?

The only thing that my family knows is off limits is my skincare - anything kitchen related is fair game.

I’m not selfish at all ! My son had bought a can of Coke to take to football with him and he put it in the fridge while he got ready . My husband drank the coke and when my son explained that it was for after football my husband just shrugged his shoulders and walked away ! Ands you think I’m selfish 🤣

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/07/2023 10:40

but that’s the thing, nothing is off limits to OP DH. If he felt like using your very expensive skin care he just would.

as far as he’s concerned, anything & everything in the house is his to take even if he’s been specifically asked not to take something

but he hides his own stuff away

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:41

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:40

I’m not selfish at all ! My son had bought a can of Coke to take to football with him and he put it in the fridge while he got ready . My husband drank the coke and when my son explained that it was for after football my husband just shrugged his shoulders and walked away ! Ands you think I’m selfish 🤣

Show quote history

If everything belongs to family why is your skincare off limits ?

OP posts:
Talia99 · 02/07/2023 10:42

WisherWood · 02/07/2023 09:37

If a woman posted that her DH bought chocolate but wouldn't allow her to eat it, the replies would be different

Oh not that old chestnut. FFS. If anyone of either sex said their DP/ spouse expected them to share chocolate my response would be the same - kill them with a spoon.

If you're not prepared to follow through with the threat of leaving him OP I'd be inclined to put a lock on the cupboard you put the treats in and/ or buy a lockable chest. You and the older kids can have the key/ lock combo. Your DH can't. He can be physically excluded. If the kids share the lock with him then their rights to it are forfeit. Try excluding him. Nobody likes to be excluded and it might be the thing that makes him think about what he's up to.

Or buy several lockable chests, one for each person (OP and each of the children).

monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 10:42

JMAngel1 · 02/07/2023 10:32

I'm sorry but in a family everything belongs to family.
You're the one that's sounding selfish and frankly petty. A can of coke?

The only thing that my family knows is off limits is my skincare - anything kitchen related is fair game.

But her DH hides 'his' things. In the context of their home, he does think that things can belong to individuals, because he hides the things he considers to be 'his'.

But he takes whatever he wants from others.

What's his is his and what's theirs is his.

How can you think that's remotely healthy or fair behaviour?

I'm baffled as to how you can call OP selfish within the context of their home!

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:43

SweetStrawberrie · 02/07/2023 10:39

How are some people not understanding this?

My step dad used to be awful for it when I lived at home (paying full rent etc. before anyone comes for that angle and paying own bills). I would go to the shop on a Friday and get myself some treats to have over the weekend and they would be gone by the following day after I'd gone to bed.

Imagine, you go to the cupboard/fridge, you've spent 20 quid on nice food for yourself to have over the weekend and it's all gone. Now i'm 40 pounds down because I have to rebuy it all and pissed off because I brought them as a treat for ME.

I am not a selfish person at all, and will always share if i am in a room with my family eating said treats but I really don't expect my stuff to all be taken before I've had a chance, it's so rude.

Same with my brother when we all lived under one roof, always taking my money if it was on the side.

Not sure how any of the above is remotely complicated or bizzare.

Sounds like OPs husband sees everything under their roof as his.

I find it bizarre that some people think that no one is allowed to buy themselves treats and to not have other people just take them !

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 02/07/2023 10:44

Is he trying to assert his dominancein the household? The shrug very much sounds like a challenge: "try and make me care, serf".

How does that make your son feel, do you think?

Thelnebriati · 02/07/2023 10:49

I'm sorry but in a family everything belongs to family.

But thats not what he's doing, is it. He thinks 'whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine as well'.

Is it a dominance display from the man of the house? My Dad used to do this, and he ended up taking all my savings.

MoyoGaza · 02/07/2023 10:50

OP you seem to agree only with people who share your views and frustrations and your beliefs about what ‘good manners’ are

  1. why is it important to you to asked first for ‘special things’. Is a bottle of wine or chocolate or anything like that really worth that much to you? Even if it’s a gift?
  2. By hiding his own stuff, he might actually be teaching you a lesson: if you don’t want something to be fair game, put it well out of sight and out of reach.
  3. please OP, stop judging him and let go of things. The really special thing is… yes Him - believe it or not. All the other bits and items and gifts from friends etc are toys to be released.
  4. Don’t let your frustration and sense of what you believe are good manner drive you into making decisions you might get regret later.
A part of me actually feels sorry for your DH, and I wonder he feels to live with someone who needs to be asked for permission for this item of food and that.
Netcam · 02/07/2023 10:51

@ChocWeb, chargers are a different story in our house! DS1 was always going into our bedroom and taking our phone charger because his was lost/broken. I bought him 2 more including a robust one to keep in his bag, he doesn't do it anymore. DH and I have our own phone chargers, toothbrush chargers etc but still use each other's sometimes with no issue. It's when they get moved and we can't find one it's an issue.

Brefugee · 02/07/2023 10:53

MoyoGaza · 02/07/2023 10:50

OP you seem to agree only with people who share your views and frustrations and your beliefs about what ‘good manners’ are

  1. why is it important to you to asked first for ‘special things’. Is a bottle of wine or chocolate or anything like that really worth that much to you? Even if it’s a gift?
  2. By hiding his own stuff, he might actually be teaching you a lesson: if you don’t want something to be fair game, put it well out of sight and out of reach.
  3. please OP, stop judging him and let go of things. The really special thing is… yes Him - believe it or not. All the other bits and items and gifts from friends etc are toys to be released.
  4. Don’t let your frustration and sense of what you believe are good manner drive you into making decisions you might get regret later.
A part of me actually feels sorry for your DH, and I wonder he feels to live with someone who needs to be asked for permission for this item of food and that.

the son bought himself, with his money, a can of coke to have after football when he'd be thirsty.
DH drank it then shrugged when son explained why he had it. A normal and caring and unselfish person would at least apologise and offer an alternative or money for a new one rather than shrug and walk away.

These threads are really bizarre.

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 10:54

JMAngel1 · 02/07/2023 10:32

I'm sorry but in a family everything belongs to family.
You're the one that's sounding selfish and frankly petty. A can of coke?

The only thing that my family knows is off limits is my skincare - anything kitchen related is fair game.

So it’s OK to have personal items so long as you think they are ‘worthy’. You are the only person who decides what falls into the ‘worthy’ category and anyone who doesn’t immediately accept you are the sole arbiter of this point is ‘selfish and petty’. OK then.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:54

MoyoGaza · 02/07/2023 10:50

OP you seem to agree only with people who share your views and frustrations and your beliefs about what ‘good manners’ are

  1. why is it important to you to asked first for ‘special things’. Is a bottle of wine or chocolate or anything like that really worth that much to you? Even if it’s a gift?
  2. By hiding his own stuff, he might actually be teaching you a lesson: if you don’t want something to be fair game, put it well out of sight and out of reach.
  3. please OP, stop judging him and let go of things. The really special thing is… yes Him - believe it or not. All the other bits and items and gifts from friends etc are toys to be released.
  4. Don’t let your frustration and sense of what you believe are good manner drive you into making decisions you might get regret later.
A part of me actually feels sorry for your DH, and I wonder he feels to live with someone who needs to be asked for permission for this item of food and that.

Manners and respect work both ways .

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 10:55

JMAngel1 · 02/07/2023 10:32

I'm sorry but in a family everything belongs to family.
You're the one that's sounding selfish and frankly petty. A can of coke?

The only thing that my family knows is off limits is my skincare - anything kitchen related is fair game.

Everything belongs to family and is fair game… except the one thing you don’t want to belong to family…

Yet don’t understand the Op’s stuff she buys herself, or a can of coke bought by a child to take to football isn’t fair game… really?