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Original poster

DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

432 replies

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:23

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 10:55

Tbh the moment he started taking stuff my kids had bought for themselves any affection for him would have died.

Taking things bought by children is the lowest.

Thelnebriati · 02/07/2023 10:56

MoyoGaza
I don't think having to hide things is healthy.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:57

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:54

Manners and respect work both ways .

Show quote history

It’s not about what the item is it’s about the intention. He takes things because he wants them !
we all judge people by the way they treat others , it’s what humans do

OP posts:
BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 10:57

what a strange post. Is he paying all your bills, housed you, worked hard and fed you when you were pregnant and has children? - if yes, then what is the revelation of this post? - that you selfish beyond any normal humanness and put a price on a can of coke paid by your husband. This deserves a comment of OMG and I even do not use the name of God in vain. This is how low you have fallen

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 11:00

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 10:57

what a strange post. Is he paying all your bills, housed you, worked hard and fed you when you were pregnant and has children? - if yes, then what is the revelation of this post? - that you selfish beyond any normal humanness and put a price on a can of coke paid by your husband. This deserves a comment of OMG and I even do not use the name of God in vain. This is how low you have fallen

🤣

Help, I think the Doctor accidentally dropped off someone from the 50s.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2023 11:00

MoyoGaza · 02/07/2023 10:50

OP you seem to agree only with people who share your views and frustrations and your beliefs about what ‘good manners’ are

  1. why is it important to you to asked first for ‘special things’. Is a bottle of wine or chocolate or anything like that really worth that much to you? Even if it’s a gift?
  2. By hiding his own stuff, he might actually be teaching you a lesson: if you don’t want something to be fair game, put it well out of sight and out of reach.
  3. please OP, stop judging him and let go of things. The really special thing is… yes Him - believe it or not. All the other bits and items and gifts from friends etc are toys to be released.
  4. Don’t let your frustration and sense of what you believe are good manner drive you into making decisions you might get regret later.
A part of me actually feels sorry for your DH, and I wonder he feels to live with someone who needs to be asked for permission for this item of food and that.

What planet are you from? Honestly, the mind boggles. You really don't understand the concept of respecting other people, do you?

If you feel so sorry for the op's husband, you should live with him.

Autumntimeagain · 02/07/2023 11:00

OP you know he hides what he's bought for himself, and I'm sure it's not hidden so well that you couldn't find it ?

So hunt his 'stash' down and eat/dispose of it ALL ! Every single day you need to hunt for his secret stash and do this ! Then simply shrug and walk off whenever he says 'Who's eaten/taken my crisps/chocolate ?'

Also definitely buy storage containers with locks (or buy second hand tabletop fridges for your kids to have in their rooms and put padlocks on them) and put a padlock on a kitchen cupboard for your stuff !

He actively shows he really couldn't give a shit about anyone else in the home but himself, does he ?

I'd also be picking up anything he leaves lying around and hide it too e.g car keys/ wallet/ loose change/phone charger etc (and hide your own somewhere he'd never look, like under the kitchen sink !)

It's only when you've made HIM be 'inconvenienced/irritated etc that he will even consider changing HIS ways to be respectful of his own bloody family !

CatRatSplat · 02/07/2023 11:01

@Fubar01 I agree with you this is wrong. Where does it stop? Will he start taking other people's more expensive items like phone or laptops? Will he start taking your body as his "because we are married"? That's why it feel wrong, because when you start scaling it up you can see the potential damage taking someone else's things can lead too.

Totaly · 02/07/2023 11:02

I get where you are coming from!

If DS buys a can of coke for after training then he expects that to still be there - he went to the shop and paid for it and was organised - now he doesnt have that drink.

DH, could’ve as a grown up, gone to the shop and brought is own pop of he wanted to.

Did you ask him to replace it? I would tell him to every time - at the moment he’s getting all the benefit and none of the work.

Totaly · 02/07/2023 11:03

Actually I would take his stuff and hide it - in the boot of my car and show him how it feels to be looking forward to something and it not being there!

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 11:03

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 10:57

what a strange post. Is he paying all your bills, housed you, worked hard and fed you when you were pregnant and has children? - if yes, then what is the revelation of this post? - that you selfish beyond any normal humanness and put a price on a can of coke paid by your husband. This deserves a comment of OMG and I even do not use the name of God in vain. This is how low you have fallen

🤣🤣 He doesn’t clothe and house me ! He doesn’t pay all the bills ! He takes things that other people have paid for with their own money that they have earned and doesn’t see why it’s a problem.
I think you have commented for a stir

OP posts:
Talia99 · 02/07/2023 11:04

The number of people in this thread pearl clutching because the OP doesn’t want to live her life exactly as they do is bizarre.

The ‘D’H is taking things he’s been told not to eat, stealing from his step children and hiding items (so clearly doesn’t actually believe everything is communal). I’ve never had to lay down the law like this with anyone I lived with because none of them are thieving twats who would act like the OP’s husband.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 11:05

Totaly · 02/07/2023 11:02

I get where you are coming from!

If DS buys a can of coke for after training then he expects that to still be there - he went to the shop and paid for it and was organised - now he doesnt have that drink.

DH, could’ve as a grown up, gone to the shop and brought is own pop of he wanted to.

Did you ask him to replace it? I would tell him to every time - at the moment he’s getting all the benefit and none of the work.

Yes he was asked to either replace it or give my son money to replace it . He did so after a week of me asking him every day to do so !

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 11:05

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 10:57

what a strange post. Is he paying all your bills, housed you, worked hard and fed you when you were pregnant and has children? - if yes, then what is the revelation of this post? - that you selfish beyond any normal humanness and put a price on a can of coke paid by your husband. This deserves a comment of OMG and I even do not use the name of God in vain. This is how low you have fallen

Why do you insist on assuming in every thread that if a man and a woman are in a relationship, the man must be the sole provider and the women must be a grateful subservient party?

OP works. She has said so.

'He fed you when you were pregnant' is such an unbelievably fucked up way of looking at a relationship that I struggle to understand someone saying it unless they genuinely dislike women.

Healthy couples are a team. If I am on (in my case a very short) maternity leave while my husband continues to work full time, he isn't 'feeding me while I'm pregnant'. He's operating as part of a time, as am I. He would absolutely hate the idea of someone describing our dynamic the way you have.

I really think you would benefit from some reading up on male / female dynamics in the modern world and misogyny, including internalised misogyny, in general.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 11:07

Autumntimeagain · 02/07/2023 11:00

OP you know he hides what he's bought for himself, and I'm sure it's not hidden so well that you couldn't find it ?

So hunt his 'stash' down and eat/dispose of it ALL ! Every single day you need to hunt for his secret stash and do this ! Then simply shrug and walk off whenever he says 'Who's eaten/taken my crisps/chocolate ?'

Also definitely buy storage containers with locks (or buy second hand tabletop fridges for your kids to have in their rooms and put padlocks on them) and put a padlock on a kitchen cupboard for your stuff !

He actively shows he really couldn't give a shit about anyone else in the home but himself, does he ?

I'd also be picking up anything he leaves lying around and hide it too e.g car keys/ wallet/ loose change/phone charger etc (and hide your own somewhere he'd never look, like under the kitchen sink !)

It's only when you've made HIM be 'inconvenienced/irritated etc that he will even consider changing HIS ways to be respectful of his own bloody family !

He gets quite annoyed when people use his stuff but tried to be “nice” when he complains about it

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/07/2023 11:07

Spot all the CFs who eat their kids' Easter Eggs and selection boxes at Christmas.

Original poster
Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 11:11

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 11:00

🤣

Help, I think the Doctor accidentally dropped off someone from the 50s.

Show quote history

This is without a doubt the weirdest comment I’ve ever read on
mumsnet ! This person is clearly here to stir the pot 🤣

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 02/07/2023 11:14

He doesn’t respect you or other people. Every single other person in his household is lesser to him.

this much you know and have worked out, you won’t be able to change him- because he has to want to change and he doesn’t.

so start the process of separation. Be clear to him why, that you’ve told him and shouted at him, you’ve tried teaching him a lesson by taking his things, but nothing has worked so you are now accepting you can’t make this a relationship you want anymore, only he can do that and he doesn’t want to. It might shock him into changing, but probably not and he’ll be telling the next woman about his crazy ex wife who left him because he ate her chocolate bar.

Begonne · 02/07/2023 11:14

I was primed to think you were being a bit unreasonable at the start of this thread but you’re absolutely not. In fact you have the patience of a saint.

I’m the slightly light fingered one in our house - Dh has had a double decker in the fridge since Christmas (his favourite and he rarely eats chocolate) and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve replaced it. I’ve bought multipacks, then eaten those as well. Personally I think he’s being very unreasonable to not eat the bloody thing or at least take it to work with him.

I was going to suggest, that if the relationship is otherwise worth saving, then accepting that he has no impulse control and putting a lock on the cupboard might genuinely be a way forward. But then I read about the shower gel. 😖

monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 11:14

Depressingly @Fubar01 that poster pops up on lots of threads to remind us women that men work for a living (because of course no women do) and pay all bills (because of course no women do) so we should be grateful for their very existence no matter how they treat us 🙄

bevm72yellow · 02/07/2023 11:15

You are the " giver" in lots of situations. He is " the taker". It may be like in other situations but you cannot see it clearly. You are not going to change him. He is teaching his kids that this is ok do this to a partner or family. What is his is his and what is yours is his too. You probably do many things to make his life easier or less inconvenienced then he laughs off, disregards or ignores what you say or want or need. You were brought up to consider others you need to learn to consider yourself and how others ( he)takes full advantage of that. Look at all the things you do for him....

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 11:23

What was his child hood like?
My DH is selfish in some ways, he was the first born of 4, probably got much more time and attention than the others, imv felt put out when the others came along wanting attention as he is quite disinterested in them/ their lives.
Also impatient with their failings.

What is your DH's childhood, perhaps the youngest so everyone got to the goodies first? Bullied? Very poor so treats were non existent? Or utterly spoiled so he is the only one that really matters???

Treacletoots · 02/07/2023 11:24

Every now and then I think I see a thread where the OP has married my exH.

He's selfish, self absorbed, and doesn't care about you or your feelings OP. He doesn't acknowledge that his actions can directly impact your emotions because he couldn't care less.

What value does he add to your life. Really? Does he ever do something nice for you without you asking? Could you count on him to be there for you if it meant he was put out?

If he's anything like my ExH then the answer is sadly no, and you would be better off jettisoned him like the bad meat he is and finding someone who doesn't believe the world solely revolves around them. Being single is definitely an improvement than being married to someone who just seems to detract from your life. He's a taker, he's not going to change, because HE DOESNT WANT TO. think about that.

LimeCheesecake · 02/07/2023 11:29

Btw - this thread reminds me of the diet ones where woman happily state they “can’t” have biscuits /chocolate / crisps in the house or they will “have” to eat them all. Doesn’t matter if they are bought for the kids or not. The woman who push their dcs to eat up all their selection box chocolate or are stressed out by all the Easter eggs -and just can’t cope with “they can have a bit each day for a few weeks, what’s the problem?”

When the problem is they lived with someone like your DH as a child so now can’t show restraint around treat food, having been trained to eat it all quick until it’s gone, don’t save some for tomorrow, because tomorrow it will have been eaten by someone else.

your DH is training your DCs to not save treat food. He’s training you all to only buy treats immediately before you plan to consume them. He’s training you all to binge because he will enforce the famine.

as he’s their step dad, I don’t think it’s healthy to make them live with him.

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 02/07/2023 11:37

I don't find this bizarre at all...it's the people trying to justify your husbands actions that are odd!

i live with my teenagers and their friends and partners in and out of the house and we've never had to sit down and talk about food etiquette because it's bloody obviously all - sure there's been the times on of them pinched an easter egg from another but they knew it was wrong!

Teens bring special stuff home - like drinks for a party or whatever i wouldn't just assume it's there for the taking! Likewise - i got a really beautiful hamper for xmas from my work and teens easily knew that the normal food in house was for everyone but this was special and if they wanted anything from my hamper they should ask!

He knows what should happen but either doesn't care or intrinsically thinks he's on a higher level to rest if u so the social rule doesn't apply.