Page 8 | DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

Fubar01 · 2023-07-01T22:23:49+00:00

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family me stuff without asking and either lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t! I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side. He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 09:58

rainbowstardrops · 02/07/2023 09:55

What a shame he doesn't put his treats in the treat cupboard for everyone else to help themselves to!
He doesn't because he knows he's being a selfish tosser.

I don’t get why he hides them. If OP and kids would never ever touch any food he purchased given they see that as theft, he has no need to hide it. Since hiding food serves no purpose in this house as they don’t share food and view eating anything thing bought by another person as stealing, it seems his hiding is more a hoarding or unhealthy food habit. He may have some disordered eating issues.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 10:00

Viviennemary · 02/07/2023 09:57

Food should be shared in a household.

So why doesn’t he share his stuff too

Kennykenkencat · 02/07/2023 10:03

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:57

He said to me that because we are married we should share everything so I asked if I could borrow his golf clubs and he was horrified! 🤣

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Why ask just take them. Put them up on eBay and sell them.

And when he asks why, tell him you wanted to

rainbowstardrops · 02/07/2023 10:06

I don’t get why he hides them. If OP and kids would never ever touch any food he purchased given they see that as theft, he has no need to hide it. Since hiding food serves no purpose in this house as they don’t share food and view eating anything thing bought by another person as stealing, it seems his hiding is more a hoarding or unhealthy food habit. He may have some disordered eating issues.

Hmm, fair point @Freefall212

ImAOneWayMotorway · 02/07/2023 10:06

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:50

im not talking about general every day food . Although he can be greedy with that and I just ask him to lay off and it’s not an issue. I’m talking about specifically things that people buy for themselves. My daughter likes a certain type of crisp and will buy those to take to college and he just takes them without asking .

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We honestly don't have "my food" we don't buy food for ourselves, it just goes in the fridge or cupboard and is there for eating. It takes us months and months to eat Easter and Christmas chocolate (which is for everyone no matter who received it), there's always some in the fridge so it isn't a novelty. Everything is just shared, at Christmas if family buy us a box of chocolate they tend to buy 1 per couple, we don't need 1 each! I honestly never realised people were like this over snacks. I honestly find this bizarre! Your house reminds me of living in a houseshare at uni and all having your own food cupboard, shelf in the fridge etc. You'll have locks on your cupboards with your name on next 😆.

Shopper727 · 02/07/2023 10:08

My dad was like this, a sneaky lying theif it’s not nice and why would you behave like that with your own family it’s weird and some sort of narc/abusive behaviour. I would not put up with it. It’ll make you bitter if you’re not already

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:08

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 09:58

My daughter likes a certain type of crisp and will buy those to take to college and he just takes them without asking .

How does your daughter feel about that?

She doesn’t like it and has told him this ! (Step-dad btw) she is a student and can’t afford to constantly replace what he takes . She now hides them under her bed !

OP posts:

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 10:08

This is ok unless you take the last one, ie the last packet of crisps, the last chocolate biscuit. If I go to have one and there are none left, then this is not ok. He needs to get this principle. It's very very selfish.

Kennykenkencat · 02/07/2023 10:09

I would be finding the stuff he hides and taking it. Doesn’t matter if you want it or not just take it and give it away or throw it in the bin.

Maybe have a system. If he takes one thing of yours you take 2 things of his

At the moment there are no real consequences to his actions

Bubblyb00b · 02/07/2023 10:09

I wonder if its to do with how much you and him earn. I've seen this before - guy is the "breadwinner" of the family and thinks everyhting in the house belongs to him. I would imagine he doesn't take stuff of people outside of the family, right?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 10:09

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:08

She doesn’t like it and has told him this ! (Step-dad btw) she is a student and can’t afford to constantly replace what he takes . She now hides them under her bed !

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Does he bring any good qualities to the family?

Are all of the children his step children?

usedtobeasizeten · 02/07/2023 10:10

Yes, I’d find his hidden stash and share it out….

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 10:10

Viviennemary · 02/07/2023 09:57

Food should be shared in a household.

He obviously doesn’t agree or he wouldn’t be hiding his stuff…

Kennykenkencat · 02/07/2023 10:11

I’d also raid his wallet

Because you wanted to.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:12

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 10:10

He obviously doesn’t agree or he wouldn’t be hiding his stuff…

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wWhy should food be shared ? If I go to work and want to buy a bar of chocolate to enjoy in the evening why should I share it ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:13

Kennykenkencat · 02/07/2023 10:11

I’d also raid his wallet

Because you wanted to.

See I couldn’t do that ! I just couldn’t bring myself to take something that wasn’t mine . But maybe I should!!

OP posts:

QueensBees · 02/07/2023 10:13

Bananatoastie · 01/07/2023 23:42

He's your husband... don't you share things?

My DH is or rather was doing the same thing.
You might argue that with chocolate it’s not a real issue. But when it’s something you assume you have and find out at the last moment you dint have, it’s irritating to say the least.

eg I have a toiletry bag to go away at weekends etc… with toothbrush, small tube of toothpaste etc…
DH decided to use it then give it to dc.
So when the WE arrived and I finished preparing my stuff in the am, no toiletry bag. Cue for emptying the cupboard, DH denying he has touched it etc…

The person who had all the inconvenience was me. Not him.

And here lies the issue. When things are in common and have a set place, it’s fine. When they are not, it’s always the person whose stuff belongs to that ends up looking for it, replacing it and dealing with ‘make do’. It’s not ok.

Plus, the lies around that subject meant I struggle now to trust him when he w says ‘i didn’t touch it’….

FOJN · 02/07/2023 10:14

He just doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do and why it’s a problem.

This is the problem. He is wants you to provide him with a satisfactory reason about why it upsets you but none of the reasons you give will ever satisfy him because he's selfish and wants to continue being selfish but is pretending that if you help him understand he will change. Decent people just stop engaging in behaviour they know upsets their partner without needing to understand why it upsets them.

It's about basic respect too, he doesn't respect you, he feels entitled to everything that it's yours. I couldn't live like that.

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 10:16

Why doesn’t he just do a massive shop and buy six months worth of crisps and chocolate and biscuits and drinks and other non perishables? Then he has all the snacks he wants. If everyone buys their own food, he should just fill his cupboard.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:17

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 10:09

Does he bring any good qualities to the family?

Are all of the children his step children?

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Not all step children , he is hard working and he does a lot with all the kids . If this was a one off then I wouldn’t care but it constantly happens day in and out . My son bought me a very expensive box of chocolates and I said to him I’m saving these and I would be grateful if he didn’t just help himself and he agreed and then just did it anyway!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:18

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 10:16

Why doesn’t he just do a massive shop and buy six months worth of crisps and chocolate and biscuits and drinks and other non perishables? Then he has all the snacks he wants. If everyone buys their own food, he should just fill his cupboard.

He does buy stuff for himself and we don’t touch it . But he still helps himself to other things . He definitely suffers from FOMO !

OP posts:

QueensBees · 02/07/2023 10:18

Btw @Fubar01 I agree with you.
Some stuff is personal and it’s normal and respectful to ask of you can use them.

People all have different ideas about what’s ‘personal’ and despite what this thread is saying, many many people will see a special chocolate bar as a personal item. There has been many threads on how people would hide their chocs, put them in a special box etc… so their DH doesn’t eat them.

The issue you have is that, if your DH has no issue going into your dd bedroom to help himself with crisps/money/whatever, he isn’t going to be amenable to having a box with stuff just for you either…

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:20

FOJN · 02/07/2023 10:14

He just doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do and why it’s a problem.

This is the problem. He is wants you to provide him with a satisfactory reason about why it upsets you but none of the reasons you give will ever satisfy him because he's selfish and wants to continue being selfish but is pretending that if you help him understand he will change. Decent people just stop engaging in behaviour they know upsets their partner without needing to understand why it upsets them.

It's about basic respect too, he doesn't respect you, he feels entitled to everything that it's yours. I couldn't live like that.

This is exactly what I say to him ! If I did something he didn’t like I would try my hardest not to do it again because I respect him ! Sadly he doesn’t have the same sensibilities

OP posts:

QueensBees · 02/07/2023 10:20

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:18

He does buy stuff for himself and we don’t touch it . But he still helps himself to other things . He definitely suffers from FOMO !

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No.
Thats being selfish and thinking he deserves more than anyone else - his stuff and everyone else stuff.

It’s not ok to take someone else present!!! (Regardless of the reason for that present)

ValerieDoonican · 02/07/2023 10:21

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 10:17

Not all step children , he is hard working and he does a lot with all the kids . If this was a one off then I wouldn’t care but it constantly happens day in and out . My son bought me a very expensive box of chocolates and I said to him I’m saving these and I would be grateful if he didn’t just help himself and he agreed and then just did it anyway!

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He really couldn't care less what you say or think could he?

He's a pig