Page 7 | DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

Fubar01 · 2023-07-01T22:23:49+00:00

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family me stuff without asking and either lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t! I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side. He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:33

NeedToChangeName · 02/07/2023 09:29

@Fubar01 you all buy your own biscuits? And put them in a communal cupboard? But don't share?

I think that's a strange way to live

If a woman posted that her DH bought chocolate but wouldn't allow her to eat it, the replies would be different

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Yes we do . It’s not a communal cupboard as in everyone can take from it . It’s a cupboard that those sort of things can be put in and everyone knows you don’t take anything that isn’t yours . My children don’t have a problem with it. It works well for everyone else but him .

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 02/07/2023 09:34

He is so rude. I would dump him. You have pointed out how you feel and he still doesn't adjust or feel like taking you opinion into consideration. He is not a long term partner.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 09:35

If it was a genuine not understanding why it can’t all be shared then his stuff wouldn’t get hidden away.

it would be in the cupboard and he’d be arguing that communal sharing was the way to go.

That it’s not shows that it’s not about sharing or thinking everything should be shared. It’s about him being Mr Important and not giving a fuck about anyone else.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:36

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 01:53

Had it been put in the wine rack / wine cupboard or put aside? If it had been put aside and he knew it was a special gift that she wanted to drink alone and that he wasn't to touch - then it was shitty.

I don't really remember where each bottle of wine comes from and who gave what to who. Again, for us, if we want wine, we open the cabinet and take a bottle. If my husband did the shopping, I don't need to ask him before I eat each item and vice versa. So it depends if her DH intentionally drank a wine he had been asked not to drink or if he just took wine without knowing he wasn't supposed to have this one.

If something is deignated as off limits and put aside and spouse is told that this is an untouchable for whatever reason, then we respect that - although I still will 'steal' a chocolate from his gifted chocolates. But he won't get mad at me for that (other than in good fun) because we share things. If he was upset and seriously threatened to leave me because I ate his chocolate or unknowingly drank wine he had been gifted, I would have a major problem with that.

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No it hadn’t it had been set aside to drink on a specific day, I would have offered every one some wine and they would have been welcome to it . But he knew this and drank it anyway

OP posts:

Appleofmyeye2023 · 02/07/2023 09:36

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 08:56

I’m not talking about general food or drink . I’m talking about stuff that you have bought specifically for yourself. My older children will buy treats for themselves ( I don’t buy treats for everyone) and we have one kitchen cupboard that they can keep them in and everyone knows you don’t take what isn’t yours . But he constantly takes stuff from it ! We have a rule in the house that if you didn’t pay for it you don’t just take it !
we both pay for household food and that is not off limits .

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Put a large lock on the cupboard door. No explanation. Give you and kids the key and advise them to lock immediately after accessing.
itll make a strong point that you don’t trust him but hey, he isn’t to be trusted

this is about a lack of respect for other people’s wants and pleasures, but also a drive that is stronger than the “shame” of upsetting his loved ones.. He is prioritising his , not entirely unreasonable, desire to partake of some of the food/drink items, above the fact that it will upset you and kids and deprive you and kids of things your looking forward to. And we can’t always have what we want at expense of others.

im not convinced it just selfishness. It sounds like an unmanagmable compulsion, an addiction to the items he sees and wants, and no ability to control that urge irrespective of the consequences.

instead of telling him he’s being selfish, treat it like a addiction and mental health problem with him, say that explicitly “ clearly, despite me explaining why this upsets us, you cannot control yourself and this compulsion is damaging your relationships in this aspect, so I’m locking the cupboard to help you control it”

WisherWood · 02/07/2023 09:37

If a woman posted that her DH bought chocolate but wouldn't allow her to eat it, the replies would be different

Oh not that old chestnut. FFS. If anyone of either sex said their DP/ spouse expected them to share chocolate my response would be the same - kill them with a spoon.

If you're not prepared to follow through with the threat of leaving him OP I'd be inclined to put a lock on the cupboard you put the treats in and/ or buy a lockable chest. You and the older kids can have the key/ lock combo. Your DH can't. He can be physically excluded. If the kids share the lock with him then their rights to it are forfeit. Try excluding him. Nobody likes to be excluded and it might be the thing that makes him think about what he's up to.

Harshbutfair · 02/07/2023 09:37

Then it sounds like you haven't agreed between you "how to run the house" in terms of resources. Have you ever had a calm conversation about this? Not - you are taking my stuff - a conversation about how you want to run things with various options being discussed? Because as PP said above, you're assuming the way you were raised is the default. It's clearly not working though, and it's clearly not the only way of doing things given some of the responses on this thread.

I asked if this was really the only issue in the marriage and from your reply I assume it is, in which case it's surely worth trying to resolve.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:38

GnomeDePlume · 02/07/2023 02:57

I would say it is fairly unusual in a relationship for everything to be communal.

In my house it would be normal for, say, gifted chocolates to be shared but that it is up to the recipient to decide when they are opened. It would be very rude for someone else to make that decision.

Thank you ! It’s about respect at the end of the day . I don’t ask him to ask me if he can have a sandwich! It’s just things that are specifically bought or gifted to one person and only that person decides who can and can’t have it owe when they decide to share it !

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 09:39

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:50

i do and have done in the
past , but then I feel like I’m being petty and stooping to his level .

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How did he respond?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 02/07/2023 09:40

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:33

Yes we do . It’s not a communal cupboard as in everyone can take from it . It’s a cupboard that those sort of things can be put in and everyone knows you don’t take anything that isn’t yours . My children don’t have a problem with it. It works well for everyone else but him .

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I don’t see the issue. As kids get older (late teens and beyond) they want to buy their favourite drinks and snacks occasionally. This cupboard is much much better than food and drink being stashed and eaten in their bedrooms. I think fubor is naive to think most people don’t have the odd thing they buy because it’s a special treat for them and they don’t want to share .

ImAOneWayMotorway · 02/07/2023 09:43

When you say other family members do you mean taking money off the side at his brothers or going in teen/adult children's rooms to take stuff/money that belongs to them? Or is it just you and your husband and he thinks you are married and acts like he is? The two situations are very different.

Assuming you are married and not bf and gf living together isn't everything just shared? I couldn't be precious over food, unless you are really poor just buy some more. The money thing we don't actually really use cash these days but our money is completely shared, it's impossible for him to take my money because it's his money too! I'd find it weird being married to someone who was selfish and polices the fridge/snacks, we'd just buy more if we eat them!

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:45

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2023 09:19

I'm sympathetic to you but one thing I notice is you keep saying 'I was raised to...' as if this provides the definitive moral line on domestic issues. Your parents are not in charge here. You are an adult, you make your own choices, adapt, discuss, negotiate with other adults around you, to create you own adult reality. Your home is the shared home of you and your husband, not an extension of the house you grew up in.

You sound stubborn and inflexible - much as he sounds greedy and selfish.

Might he be rebelling, in a childish way, against you acting like his mum / his perception of you as 'the mum of the house' and himself as refusing to be your child?

It sounds as though neither of you has the slightest interest in seeing things form the other person's point of view, or in adapting your behaviour. Are you ever able to discuss things? To acknowledge that it doesn't matter if you 'get' the other person's pov and feelings, you recognise that those ARE their experiences and feelings?

You couldn’t be further from the truth ! As I have said before it’s about respect and boundaries! I don’t take things that belong to other people because it’s disrespectful. And as I have already said if I was asked I would share . We have discussed this situation many times and he is aware of how I feel and I am aware of how he feels on the subject . I am the least stubborn and inflexible person. I just think that manners are important

OP posts:

Netcam · 02/07/2023 09:45

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:33

Yes we do . It’s not a communal cupboard as in everyone can take from it . It’s a cupboard that those sort of things can be put in and everyone knows you don’t take anything that isn’t yours . My children don’t have a problem with it. It works well for everyone else but him .

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I do understand where you're coming from with chocolate. We have 2 chocolate drawers in the pantry, one for me and DH and one for my teens. I keep them topped from the shopping and they get added to with Xmas and birthday presents etc. My teens write their names on theirs so they know whose is who's. DH and I would never eat the other person's chocolate as mine is all dark and his is all milk, but if we liked the same type we'd probably just share. But I think if chocolate was given as a present to one person it would be up to them if they wanted to share it in our house, someone would be annoyed if someone else ate it. So I can see how that would be annoying if you expected to be there.

Wine, on the other other hand, just goes into the communal wine rack, gift or otherwise. And all other food/drink in the house is communal.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/07/2023 09:45

Why do I suspect that OP DH never actually replaces any of the wine/chocolate/stuff he snaffles though - he just eats it & it never occurs to him to replace it because that would require him thinking about someone else’s feelings other than his own

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:50

ImAOneWayMotorway · 02/07/2023 09:43

When you say other family members do you mean taking money off the side at his brothers or going in teen/adult children's rooms to take stuff/money that belongs to them? Or is it just you and your husband and he thinks you are married and acts like he is? The two situations are very different.

Assuming you are married and not bf and gf living together isn't everything just shared? I couldn't be precious over food, unless you are really poor just buy some more. The money thing we don't actually really use cash these days but our money is completely shared, it's impossible for him to take my money because it's his money too! I'd find it weird being married to someone who was selfish and polices the fridge/snacks, we'd just buy more if we eat them!

im not talking about general every day food . Although he can be greedy with that and I just ask him to lay off and it’s not an issue. I’m talking about specifically things that people buy for themselves. My daughter likes a certain type of crisp and will buy those to take to college and he just takes them without asking .

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2023 09:50

So... has he ever agreed to your 'separate personal items' (including trivial food items) policy? Or does he feel that you're dictating? Is this actually just 'your rule / expectation'.

To be polite about using other people's stuff, you have to agree that it IS other people's stuff, to begin with.

Your approach is unusual, as you've seen here. Maybe he feels he never signed up to that.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:51

Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/07/2023 09:45

Why do I suspect that OP DH never actually replaces any of the wine/chocolate/stuff he snaffles though - he just eats it & it never occurs to him to replace it because that would require him thinking about someone else’s feelings other than his own

Exactly that !

OP posts:

Daffodilwoman · 02/07/2023 09:51

Bloody hell op you have more patience than I do.
I bet he is the type of person to rush up first at a buffet and pile his plate sky high. I also imagine if you are at a table and there is obviously one of each thing for everyone, he just grabs as much as he likes. I think you will have to have it out with him. Maybe say something like every time you pull this shit it makes you more unattractive to me. Do you know that will eventually mean it will get to the point where I really do not want to have sex with you?
If he still doesn’t listen perhaps start digging up the patio……only partially joking.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 09:52

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2023 09:50

So... has he ever agreed to your 'separate personal items' (including trivial food items) policy? Or does he feel that you're dictating? Is this actually just 'your rule / expectation'.

To be polite about using other people's stuff, you have to agree that it IS other people's stuff, to begin with.

Your approach is unusual, as you've seen here. Maybe he feels he never signed up to that.

My approach is perfectly normal, and yes he did agree to it when he initially moved in with me .

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 02/07/2023 09:55

What a shame he doesn't put his treats in the treat cupboard for everyone else to help themselves to!
He doesn't because he knows he's being a selfish tosser.

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 09:55

Surely he should just do a shop for all the foods he likes. He can buy whatever he wants and since that food is off limits to everyone else, he will have all his snacks there. He should just buy whatever chocolates and biscuits and food and wine and drinks he likes. Since you don’t share food and everyone does their own shop, and no one would eat anything he bought… he can have a house full of his foods.

Daffodilwoman · 02/07/2023 09:56

Also my dh would not dream of eating/drinking/using anything someone had bought me as a gift. Neither would I do the same to him. Yes we do share and yes I would offer things to him and he to me. But seriously if his father bought him an expensive malt whiskey as a present I would never dream of opening it and necking it to myself. It’s just rude and thoughtless.

Buildingthefuture · 02/07/2023 09:57

I couldn’t get worked up about this. I occasionally get irritated when DH eats the last whatever….but more so because he doesn’t tell me when I’m doing the bloody food shop!! When I am gifted a box of chocolates for example, I don’t expect him to ask me if he can open them….I think he probably would, but I just wouldn’t care if he didn’t? It’s not that important to me. The difference is though, that it’s important to you. And you’ve told him that on numerous occasions. And, that he hides his own stuff, so he doesn’t want people doing the things that he does! He does sound quite selfish. I agree about getting a lock for the food cupboard for which he does not have a key. That will solve your practical problem but it won’t turn him into a less selfish person, which I think is what you’re after?

Viviennemary · 02/07/2023 09:57

Food should be shared in a household.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 09:58

My daughter likes a certain type of crisp and will buy those to take to college and he just takes them without asking .

How does your daughter feel about that?