Page 12 | DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

Fubar01 · 2023-07-01T22:23:49+00:00

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family me stuff without asking and either lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t! I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side. He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2023 16:31

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 10:57

what a strange post. Is he paying all your bills, housed you, worked hard and fed you when you were pregnant and has children? - if yes, then what is the revelation of this post? - that you selfish beyond any normal humanness and put a price on a can of coke paid by your husband. This deserves a comment of OMG and I even do not use the name of God in vain. This is how low you have fallen

Your comprehension skills seem to be a bit skewed...

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2023 16:33

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 15:22

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !
He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people!
I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house .

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Do you mean that? Are you making plans?

Is it financially feasible?

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 16:34

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:57

He said to me that because we are married we should share everything so I asked if I could borrow his golf clubs and he was horrified! 🤣

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he hides things he buys for himself and then takes other people’s stuff.

These are the show stoppers

He takes things from others but keeps his things "under lock and key"

He bristles at the very thought of sharing.

This sounds like something that goes back to childhood and upbringing.

Was he deprives of his own toys, or food and basics, personal space as a child and fears shortage?

Did he have things confiscated from him as a punishment for bad behaviour?

Did he suffer from lack of affection growing up?

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 16:39

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 00:15

Can I ask why you’re asking ?

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OP you are right to question any vindictive actions suggested on herecwithout finding out more about his motives and having (possibly yet another) conversation with your DH.

Something underlying this behaviour may be buried deep so go easy on him and maybe seek professional help. Hiding possessions and trying to "pay him back" isn't appropriate or kind.

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 16:44

Just seen your update that you've decided its the end of the line. Sounds really difficult, clearly he's not up for an open conversation. Very sad.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 16:50

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 15:22

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !
He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people!
I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house .

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He does have a clue.

He just doesn’t care.

If he cared then he’d at least have been disagreeing and discussing it. Or he’d have been following tbt rest of you, but not thinking it was necessary.

The fact he just repeatedly ignored all of you shows it’s an issue of him not giving a shit.

Treacletoots · 02/07/2023 16:54

After hearing his response to you suggesting you've had enough I'm even more convinced you've got my exH. He said exactly the same thing, "so, you want a divorce so I have to do it, what about MY needs? You're the one being selfish" He couldn't comprehend ever that I mattered.

His surname doesn't begin with a K does it?

Treacletoots · 02/07/2023 16:58

As to what you need to do. You have to start divorce proceedings. Eventually he'll get the message, mine took about 4 months but did eventually move out, coming back most weekends to see if I'd changed my mind for the next few months or so,

Then when the court issued the decree nisi I got abuse in Klingon which apparently meant "you have no honour" over a text message. So it's not all bad news. That was the funniest story I've ever had to tell people, worth it's weight in gold.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 17:06

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 15:22

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !
He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people!
I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house .

Show quote history

“so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !

You reply "You don't have to take my word for jack-shit. It doesn't matter to me if you think I'm right or not. What does matter is that I DO have the right to decide for myself that what you do is wrong and whether or not I want to live with it anymore. I have decided I don't, this marriage is over".

sheworemellowyellow · 02/07/2023 17:20

I think it’s a bit dramatic to end a marriage over this.

If it really is about a lack of respect for you, and a disregard of boundaries, you’d be experiencing it in other ways too.

This is mostly about food and small change. Little stuff. This problem can be solved in a practical way, however beneath you it might feel: he does a weekly shop for all his treat foodstuffs; you all keep your stuff locked away; you agree a budget and one of you does a bulk buy of treat foods (I can’t wrap my head around a child buying a single can of Coke each time he has football practice: can’t you buy the lad a six pack and keep it in the fridge for him? It’s cheaper and easier)

You haven’t mentioned that money is tight, so it’s not like he’s eating your share of the food budget. He just doesn’t get, or doesn’t want to get this specific point. Yes that makes him a shit, but is it really worth divorcing over?

sheworemellowyellow · 02/07/2023 17:21

And yes we know about the “it’s not about the dishes” situation. This just doesn’t strike me as that because the problem is so completely localised. There doesn’t seem to have been any creativity around solving the problem, it’s just gone straight from “I hate what you’re doing and these are the reasons why” to “I’m leaving you because you’re not listening”.

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 17:27

sheworemellowyellow · 02/07/2023 17:20

I think it’s a bit dramatic to end a marriage over this.

If it really is about a lack of respect for you, and a disregard of boundaries, you’d be experiencing it in other ways too.

This is mostly about food and small change. Little stuff. This problem can be solved in a practical way, however beneath you it might feel: he does a weekly shop for all his treat foodstuffs; you all keep your stuff locked away; you agree a budget and one of you does a bulk buy of treat foods (I can’t wrap my head around a child buying a single can of Coke each time he has football practice: can’t you buy the lad a six pack and keep it in the fridge for him? It’s cheaper and easier)

You haven’t mentioned that money is tight, so it’s not like he’s eating your share of the food budget. He just doesn’t get, or doesn’t want to get this specific point. Yes that makes him a shit, but is it really worth divorcing over?

It is not about the items it’s about the lack of respect! As I have said previously if he asked I would say yes . It’s about him not being able to understand that other people don’t like it !

as for my child only buying one can of coke , he is 19 years of age and if he wants to buy one can of coke that’s his choice .

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 02/07/2023 17:28

He just doesn’t get, or doesn’t want to get this specific point. Yes that makes him a shit, but is it reallyworth divorcing over?
Yes it is, because only an arsehole with no respect for their partner would behave in a selfish way, be told that their partner finds the behaviour disrespectful, continue to do it. He clearly knows his behaviour is selfish and unacceptable because he hides his own stuff whilst taking from the children.

Women are socialised to be kind, smile nicely, that the men who treat them with disrespect don't really mean it, and that the men who dismiss their wife's feelings simply don't understand why such small issues are such a big deal to their wives (see also women are a bit hysterical and emotional for no reason).
Then women are told that they need to have a real reason or a big reason to end a relationship. That he hasn't really disrespected her enough to warrant ending the relationship, that maybe she should push her feelings to one side because it's only a small issue and he's probably amazing in other ways and so on and so on.

Most women stay too long in relationships with men who don't respect them, either by trying to soldier on, because they genuinely believe they're unreasonable for wanting respectful treatment, or they're trapped without the means to leave.

Talia99 · 02/07/2023 17:30

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 17:27

It is not about the items it’s about the lack of respect! As I have said previously if he asked I would say yes . It’s about him not being able to understand that other people don’t like it !

as for my child only buying one can of coke , he is 19 years of age and if he wants to buy one can of coke that’s his choice .

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If I were your son and I lived with someone who kept nicking the stuff I bought with my own money, I’d only buy one thing at a time - less in the house means less to steal.

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 17:31

Just divorce him then. You have told him that is the deal so act on it. Leave.

And I still don't understand why he hides his food. Given no one else in the house would ever steal his food, he can leave his out and it will go untouched so why is he hiding it?

Original poster

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 17:31

sheworemellowyellow · 02/07/2023 17:21

And yes we know about the “it’s not about the dishes” situation. This just doesn’t strike me as that because the problem is so completely localised. There doesn’t seem to have been any creativity around solving the problem, it’s just gone straight from “I hate what you’re doing and these are the reasons why” to “I’m leaving you because you’re not listening”.

i have tried everything I can possibly think of to resolve this issue, so it’s not gone from as you put it “I don’t like it to I want a divorce”

OP posts:

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 17:35

LolaSmiles · 02/07/2023 17:28

He just doesn’t get, or doesn’t want to get this specific point. Yes that makes him a shit, but is it reallyworth divorcing over?
Yes it is, because only an arsehole with no respect for their partner would behave in a selfish way, be told that their partner finds the behaviour disrespectful, continue to do it. He clearly knows his behaviour is selfish and unacceptable because he hides his own stuff whilst taking from the children.

Women are socialised to be kind, smile nicely, that the men who treat them with disrespect don't really mean it, and that the men who dismiss their wife's feelings simply don't understand why such small issues are such a big deal to their wives (see also women are a bit hysterical and emotional for no reason).
Then women are told that they need to have a real reason or a big reason to end a relationship. That he hasn't really disrespected her enough to warrant ending the relationship, that maybe she should push her feelings to one side because it's only a small issue and he's probably amazing in other ways and so on and so on.

Most women stay too long in relationships with men who don't respect them, either by trying to soldier on, because they genuinely believe they're unreasonable for wanting respectful treatment, or they're trapped without the means to leave.

Women are not socialized to be kind and smile nicely - at least not in the last 50 years. I was born in the 70s and don't know anyone who was socialized to be a meek, demure, kind, smiling woman. I have also lived in a few places and haven't come across that at all. Even if your personal / professional world is very small, if you are on any form of internet you will see many women not being kind, having opinions, being upset, asserting themselves, voicing feelings, making their own decisions. I am curious where you live that the women are still all kind and smiling and can't have their own feelings?

This feels like another post dropped in from the 1950s.

Bemyclementine · 02/07/2023 17:39

Fubar01 · 02/07/2023 00:32

He acknowledges that I’m upset but not what has upset me. He just doesn’t understand why it’s a problem.

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@Fubar01 he doesn't need to understand why, the fact that you are upset abd he knows that what he does causes it, is enough. Or at least, it should be enough.

Cantrushart · 02/07/2023 17:48

My stepdad was like this with anything that my mum had bought specifically for me. He would open it in front of me and cram as much into his mouth as he possibly could, then leave the dregs in the packet for me. It was childish jealousy. Could it be an extended version of this for your DH? Jealous of the gift from your DS? Special crisps for DS?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 17:56

I can't believe the posters who think a total lack of respect is not a good enough reason to divorce.

A lack of respect colours every aspect of a marriage. I would never stay married to someone who didn't respect me an whom I couldn't respect.

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 18:18

DH took off his jacket earlier and several coins dropped down onto the floor. I picked them up and put them in the coin tray on the table. We don't talk about "your money, my money", but I just wouldn't pocket them as if they belonged to me. DH will probably need some small change so will grab a few coins. They're not going anywhere until then.

I get you OP, when your nearest and dearest show such disdain and takes you and other family members for granted and is unwilling to address his shortcoming, you shouldn't have to put up with that.

SparklyShark · 02/07/2023 18:37

If he didn't understand why it was a problem he would not a) hide his own stuff, or b) lie about it

GnomeDePlume · 02/07/2023 18:44

"Our marriage is over because you refuse to take responsibility for your selfishness and greed. I no longer have respect for you"

Or more simply:

"Our marriage is over because I no longer want to be married to you"

You dont owe him marriage. So yes, he does just have to accept it.

QueensBees · 02/07/2023 18:46

sheworemellowyellow · 02/07/2023 17:21

And yes we know about the “it’s not about the dishes” situation. This just doesn’t strike me as that because the problem is so completely localised. There doesn’t seem to have been any creativity around solving the problem, it’s just gone straight from “I hate what you’re doing and these are the reasons why” to “I’m leaving you because you’re not listening”.

Are you expecting the OP to put 10 years if telling her DH that the way he takes things all for himself is disrespectful in the OP too?

Why do you assume that she hasn’t tried to dirt it out many times already?
Usually when people post here it’s because they are the end if their tether and have tried many things already.

LolaSmiles · 02/07/2023 18:48

Women are not socialized to be kind and smile nicely - at least not in the last 50 years. I was born in the 70s and don't know anyone who was socialized to be a meek, demure, kind, smiling woman. I have also lived in a few places and haven't come across that at all. Even if your personal / professional world is very small, if you are on any form of internet you will see many women not being kind, having opinions, being upset, asserting themselves, voicing feelings, making their own decisions. I am curious where you live that the women are still all kind and smiling and can't have their own feelings?

This feels like another post dropped in from the 1950s.

I didn't say anything about women being demure and can't have their own feelings.

Women are still taught from the time they're girls to centre men, to apologise for poor behaviour from men and tolerate absolute crap.

I have many friends who are strong, independent women who don't take shit. I'd count myself in that too.

Unfortunately you don't have to be on Mumsnet very long to see a fuck ton of male entitlement, too many women who don't believe they're worth more, and a worrying amount of posters who are full of excuses for men.

Just look at this thread. There's still people acting like it's unreasonable to expect to be respected in a relationship and the OP might be overreacting by standing up for herself.