DH helps himself to other people’s things without asking

[Fubar01]

At the end of my tether with DH he is constantly taking other family
me stuff without asking and either
lies that it was him or says he will replace it but doesn’t!
I’m at the end of my tether ! It can be anything like taking a chocolate bar or a can of drink to lifting change off the side.
He just doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed about it and I’m seriously considering asking him to leave .

It was a bit of both , had money so was spoiled then when there was no money had to go without . He has said he had issues around food and can be greedy but hasn’t sought help or tried to stop . He genuinely cannot understand why it’s a problem . Possibly some mental health issues but won’t talk about it.

Some of the comments on here are absolutely bonkers and the only way I can rationalise them is to think that some posters are being deliberately obtuse. Otherwise, I would recommend a good book on boundaries, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab comes up high in searches.

I buy expensive skincare. If everyone in my family starts to help themselves to my Sunday Riley night cream without asking I should be ok with that?

If my DD decides to go into my wardrobe and wear a shirt that I have just ironed for work tomorrow that’s ok?

I like to wear wigs as a protective hair style. If after my morning shower, my wig isn’t on the mannequin because my DD thought she fancied a new look that’s ok?

I run at the weekends and wear a GPS watch to track my mileage. If I go to retrieve my watch and it’s not there because my DH decides actually he wanted to use it on his run but didn’t ask, that’s ok?

Or is it just food that’s the problem? If I make myself a packed lunch before bed, pop it in the fridge and in the morning it’s not there because my DH got peckish in the night, that’s ok?

Batshit, the lot of you.

It’s really strange that because some people don’t agree with the way you choose to live in your own home that they think you are wrong !

If you chose not to have boundaries and house rules that’s fine for you , I would never tell you you can’t !

The issue here is that he seems to treat the snacks/change/whatever as communal but isn’t actually contributing anything himself so should therefore leave well alone.

I get it. I grew up in a house of very limited treats and we were all allocated one packet of crisps from the shopping each week etc. and it was world war 3 if anybody ate yours.

I buy the same household snacks and treats but if I get something different, DH or DD will always ask before eating/drinking as they recognise that I may have bought it for something special. If they need change and there’s some on the side they’ll check if they can take it as it might be earmarked for car parking or whatever.

OPs DH is being disrespectful in his attitude as he is acting like he is the only person who ever wants something and should therefore just have it without ever thinking of anybody else or offering to replace/restock the treat cupboard

He sounds truly dreadful.

What a prize you inflicted on your children.

Then you still have a child with him?

Awful.

He just doesn't care.
He is so selfish.

It's your poor children that you inflicted him that are to be really pitied.

There are some unexpected responses on here!

Op, as far as I'm aware, it's very normal for people not to use other people's treats and presents without being asked to share.

If I receive a nice box of chocolates from my friend for my birthday, my DH/DCs just wouldn't consider opening it, at least not without asking me or hinting heavily that I really ought to be sharing them!

If I have a bar of the chocolate I like (I don't like many) in the cupboard, the family know why it's there and they would have to be pretty mean and selfish to eat it.

When my DB bought me some fancy wine for a special birthday, my ex opened it when I wasn't there. It was utterly selfish and felt like he'd done it to send me a message - he'd figurately pee'd all over the special moment I'd planned for drinking it.

Your DH is thoughtless, thinks he can take things other people were looking forward to . had bought specially, but not share his own stuff, then lies about it afterwards. All bad enough, but you've spoken to him and told him it upsets you and the children and he continues to do it. I don't understand how anyone can think that's OK.

Honestly, I think you just have to decide whether you can live with it for the rest of your life or not. Without accepting that it's a problem and seeking help, he's not going to change.

He's trying to show you he's top dog. He gets what he wants, he gets the best of everything, nobody else is supposed to have anything unless he lets them.

I would dump him so fast he wouldn't know what had hit him.

Why your skin care then they all have skin

This. I’m 90% sure they are a troll but depressingly not 100% as they sound just like fundamentalist Christians in the US (see the Duggar family, the recent Amazon documentary ‘Shiny Happy People’).

Id start taking every single thing he bought for himself, get all the kids doing it too. Everything. He'll soon figure out what it feels like for other people.

But her DH hides 'his'things. In the context of their home, he does think that things can belong to individuals, because he hides the things he considers to be 'his'.

But he takes whatever he wants from others.

What's his is his and what's theirs is his.
This ^^

It's irrelevant what those of us do in households where common sense is used and there's not a fixed division of "my snacks and your snacks, my treats and your treats" because in the OP's situation her husband clearly isn't a believer in sharing.

He is a selfish and entitled man who wants to keep his own stuff to himself AND help himself to everyone else's stuff, despite knowing it bothers other people.

When my DB bought me some fancy wine for a special birthday, my ex opened it when I wasn't there. It was utterly selfish and felt like he'd done it to send me a message - he'd figurately pee'd all over the special moment I'd planned for drinking it.

'Dear ex, please replace the special bottle of wine my brother bought for me. If you don't, I'll have to consider not allowing you in the house again. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I walked into your house and helped myself to anything I fancied.'

Oh not that old chestnut. FFS. If anyone of either sex said their DP/ spouse expected them to share chocolate my response would be the same - kill them with a spoon.

A blunt one.

Heavily rusted.

I would be loading the cupboard with laxative chocolates repackaged in ordinary packets, a few days of the shits might start making him realise. Put them in & tell him they are yours & how nice they are to reel him in.

Totally agree.

He's a disgusting selfish pig.

The poor children he's been inflicted upon.

Awful modelling of selfish behaviour.

I cannot imagine how awful it must be to live in a house where you can have absolutely nothing in it that is yours.

Unbelievable.

Has anyone ever properly exploded at him? I mean an icy, shake him to his boots, explosion. What strikes me is his complacency - shrugging and walking away is so rude and disrespectful.

I'm just wondering what it would take to shake him out of his complacency.

This also makes me think of the guy who wrote the article about his wife leaving him because he left his cup on the side rather than putting it in the dishwasher. He did eventually see the light but by that point it was too late.

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !
He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people!
I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house .

I’ve basically told him our marriage is over and I cannot live like it anymore and his response is “so because you have decided that I’m in the wrong I just have to take your word for it “ !
He has absolutely no clue of how his actions impacted on other people!
I know what I need to do but I can’t physically force him out of the house
He DOES know the impact of his actions.

He hides his own things because he knows he doesn't want other people to have them.

He knows it bothers you, but does it anyway because he doesn't care that it disrespects you and bothers you.

He's slipping into DARVO here where he's probably about to paint you as totally unreasonable and irrational because you've ended a marriage over him having a can of coke/eaten a bar of chocolate/other trivial reason.

He knows the real reasons though. He's just annoyed you're challenging him.

I completely get you. My DH is a bit of a muncher and we settled on having a drawer with things in that he can help himself to. He sticks to this and won't touch anything I ask him not to. If he did I would be furious. It's not too much to ask that your items are respected.

"We are separating because of how you make me feel. Which is disrespected, demeaned and ignored. You clearly do not intend to change your behaviour. Well, I do not intend to start liking it, so I no longer wish to live with you."

Excellent response.

Well then live without or come to my house and I’ll share some of my secret stash. Currently I have Aero, Bournville and Fry’s chocolate cream.

However he can't "replace" the inconvenience od not having a can of coke for after football, or a bag of favourite crisps to have with lunchtime.

It's totally selfish and disrespectful.

I very rarely eat chocolate bars (because when I start I can't stop) - Mr Viper buys them every week. DD and I occasionally fancy one, but neither of us takes one without saying "Is it ok if I have one of your crunches?"

He always say "Yes - help yourself", but it's just common courtesy to ask, and that way if he goes to get one he isn't left disappointed because they are all gone. Similarly he wouldn't dream of taking something that I had earmarked for a meal/ friends coming round etc, without letting me know so that I don't go to get it and have an Old Mother Hubbard moment.

Perfectly normal in my house