Should I tell my sister - BIL called 2 year old DN a bastard and a cunt

[StupidMoneyQuestions]

Name changed for this.

It sounds quite stark in the title but I don’t know if I’m over reacting.

My nephew is 2 years old. His parents - my sister and BIL - seem to have it in their minds that he’s a badly behaved child, he seems to have been tarred as a naughty boy. I don’t think he is particularly, he does a lot of fake crying and has tantrums but he’s 2, that’s pretty normal, right? DSis is often very tense and snappy around him, she overreacts to his behaviour in my opinion. I don’t voice this opinion - you can’t really criticise someone’s parenting and maintain a relationship with them… - I hold my tongue and am nice to DN.

My DS is 2 as well, they’re a few months apart in age. I am classic PFB, perhaps - I think the sun shines out of DS. The boys spend a fair bit of time together as they’re so close in age. DN doesn’t want to play with DS quite often - he wants to play with older kids (his cousins are older) and DS is younger. Again, I think this is fine and quite normal.

We went away with DSis, BIL and DN a few weeks ago. In the evening, the boys had a bath together with me and BIL bathing them - this is not the first time they’ve bathed together. DN was being a grump, probably because he hadn’t napped that day and also because it was a really hot day. He wouldn’t sit down in the bath and kept taking toys from my DS.

This is where I wonder if I should say something to my sister or to BIL. In response to DN’s behaviour, BIL said “you’re such a little bastard” and then “you’re such a little cunt”.

He sort of said it with a smile and a laugh under his breath - he wasn’t spitting insults at the baby. And we all have fairly robust language a lot of the time. But I was really shocked by the use of those words, to a 2 year old. I know my 2 year old can understand a lot of what I say and often repeats words - I’m often surprised at how much he understands. And DN is older, approaching 2.5.

Am I overreacting to be shocked and want to say something to BIL or to DSis?

Anyone?

I don’t think that’s normal at all. I would definitely bring it up.

It’s not normal and it’s not nice. I would struggle to hold my tongue.

Your Dsis sounds like a shit parent anyway so she will most likely brush it off and have a go at you so no I wouldn't say anything

What made you start a thread two weeks later?

That's quite worrying. I don't like the sound of that.

What was your upbringing like, was your sister supported, is it possible there are any anger issues with either sister or BIL?

No that’s awful. Poor little thing. I’d tell DSis but frankly doesn’t sound like she’d care much.

Our mother was emotionally abusive. I was a teenager before I realised it isn’t normal to be really, really scared of your mum. We’ve both got a lot of baggage linked to that, I guess.

I'd not want any small child around language like that. I'd probably pull back and see them less frequently and for shorter periods of time. I'd try to keep any child of mine away from BiL. I'd not be bathing children together either.

I’m not averse to the c-word (one of my previous MN usernames even had it in it), but I find that completely shocking.

What’s worrying though, is the way your sister is likely to react to it. It sounds like she wouldn’t care, particularly.

I’m sorry about your upbringing.

Sounds like my DN. My DSis will simultaneously praise her and then bark at her. I ignore cos I’m not the parent and I think DSis does it to get attention. It’s horrible!

Oh dear I was worried you would say something like this

I think you are right to be concerned but the problem is it may be your sister will not want to hear it.

Trust your instincts though, it sounds like your senses were right.

The issue is not the OP's child, it is the verbal abuse towards OP's DN.

I’m curious as to why people think DSis wouldn’t care? She isn’t the one who used the language. She doesn’t really swear at all around DN - she’s just very snappy and tense.

Because you said this His parents - my sister and BIL - seem to have it in their minds that he’s a badly behaved child, he seems to have been tarred as a naughty boy.

Have you talked about your abusive childhood with your sister? What is her view?

She may be repeating family history.

That's really disturbing language to use towards a child. Well it's abusive isn't it. It's abuse. And doesn't bode well for what might happen behind closed doors that you don't hear.

How can you be shocked by a reaction that hasn't even happened yet and you don't know what it will be?

I find the c word particularly strong. I very, very, very rarely use it, and would never use it within earshot of a toddler.

As @wildfirewonder said - you said yourself that your sister ‘seems to have it in her mind that he’s a badly behaved child’, that your ‘DSis is often very tense and snappy around him’, that ‘she overreacts to his behaviour in your opinion’, and that you daren’t voice this opinion (even though you obviously think it’s needed), because if you did, she’d take it so badly as to damage your relationship with her.

Just because she’s not using the c word about him, doesn’t mean she is providing the level of care and security that is appropriate for a 2YO.

And sorry - I’m definitely not usually coy about actually using the word - but it’s so far from OK to use it about a 2YO, that I don’t want to type it out on the thread.

What?

I’m shocked by the BIL calling his son a ‘c**t’.

Poor little boy, he is still only a toddler at 2 years old! That is disgusting language to use about him, why on earth didn't you pull your brother in law up on it at the time? I would have told him not to use such vile language in front of my child, and point out its a totally unkind an inappropriate way to talk about his little boy!

Two comments stand out here for me as massive warning bells

@wildfirewonder
"Have you talked about your abusive childhood with your sister? What is her view?

She may be repeating family history."

And

@Mmhmmn

"It's abuse. And doesn't bode well for what might happen behind closed doors that you don't hear."
^
And I would add "what might happen behind closed doors that you don't see."

I would be concerned.^

I find swearing offensive and I think any parent who directs it at their chid is abusive …it’s an indicator of other problems!!

I have a friend who had a horrendous time with her son. She already had other problems and then her sons behaviour was so awful, she hadn't got the energy to try and hold her relationship together as well so they split up. She loved her son but the relentlessness of it just really caused her to be tense and always waiting for the next blow out. She really found it very difficult. She used to tell me things he'd done and I used to want to laugh or smile because they didn't seem awful to me. But the fact that it happened all the time made them huge things to her.
Then he suddenly changed and he's like a normal 2yo. Naughty but on a whole different level than he was before.
I don't like language and I never use it nor would be spoken to like that. If my husband was using language like that, I'd want to know so I'd definitely tell her. But I wouldn't judge my bil because none of us really knows how we'd respond to persistent bad behaviour until we're faced with it.

Is he Irish by any chance?