Should I tell my sister - BIL called 2 year old DN a bastard and a cunt

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Name changed for this.

It sounds quite stark in the title but I don’t know if I’m over reacting.

My nephew is 2 years old. His parents - my sister and BIL - seem to have it in their minds that he’s a badly behaved child, he seems to have been tarred as a naughty boy. I don’t think he is particularly, he does a lot of fake crying and has tantrums but he’s 2, that’s pretty normal, right? DSis is often very tense and snappy around him, she overreacts to his behaviour in my opinion. I don’t voice this opinion - you can’t really criticise someone’s parenting and maintain a relationship with them… - I hold my tongue and am nice to DN.

My DS is 2 as well, they’re a few months apart in age. I am classic PFB, perhaps - I think the sun shines out of DS. The boys spend a fair bit of time together as they’re so close in age. DN doesn’t want to play with DS quite often - he wants to play with older kids (his cousins are older) and DS is younger. Again, I think this is fine and quite normal.

We went away with DSis, BIL and DN a few weeks ago. In the evening, the boys had a bath together with me and BIL bathing them - this is not the first time they’ve bathed together. DN was being a grump, probably because he hadn’t napped that day and also because it was a really hot day. He wouldn’t sit down in the bath and kept taking toys from my DS.

This is where I wonder if I should say something to my sister or to BIL. In response to DN’s behaviour, BIL said “you’re such a little bastard” and then “you’re such a little cunt”.

He sort of said it with a smile and a laugh under his breath - he wasn’t spitting insults at the baby. And we all have fairly robust language a lot of the time. But I was really shocked by the use of those words, to a 2 year old. I know my 2 year old can understand a lot of what I say and often repeats words - I’m often surprised at how much he understands. And DN is older, approaching 2.5.

Am I overreacting to be shocked and want to say something to BIL or to DSis?

You have to stand up for that little boy. I suspect you feel the same way and that's why you posted. It's not right. In fact it's really, really wrong. Do what you can in the best way possible so that it doesn't come back on the child, or you for pointing out that it's wrong and getting shut out of his life in future. It was sickening to read, I really hope you can find a way to navigate this for the best for him.

Oops. Sorry. I should have said why are you worried by how her sister is likely to react. You don't know she wouldn't care.

I would tell her that you were bathing boys and BIL said this and this and you were quite surprised as they were strong words . Then wait for her reaction and if she raises a question

…anti Irish sentiment here? No he isn’t.

No one knows the sister except the op.

I think if the sister is already quite negative towards the child, the obvious worry is she wouldn't be minded to take the child's side.

Sorry I’m half asleep

if she's raises a question of DN’s behaviour. If yes, I would point out that these words were strong and inappropriate.

Never. It can be used more colloquially so just ruling that out.

Appalling thing to say to a child.

@CrazyArmadilloLady Actually, I'm going retract my both my comments and apologise to you. I misread your comment and put shocked instead of worried next to your response to the sisters possible reaction. I still think it's an overreaction but it's totally different to shocked so my comment was out if order. So I apologise for what I wrote and not reading your response correctly. Sorry.

This made me so annoyed honestly who actually thinks it’s ok to call any child this let alone a 2 year old I would have said something and I defiantly would tell her . 2 year olds are hard work but they don’t stay like that for long .. absolutely fucking unacceptable

I'm Irish and was wondering the same thing.

No worries at all!

You’re right - I don’t know how the sister would react. None of us knows anything about any of it.

But my reaction is to worry that she wouldn’t actually care that much, purely going on the info provided by the OP.

Awkward.

DH is Irish, and yes, the c-word is used colloquially. But everyone has the cop on not to use it about a toddler…..?

Definitely. Totally inappropriate to use it around a child. I don't use the word as it's horrible and actually don't swear at all, but I still wondered if the husband was Irish out of interest, not as an excuse iyswim.

A really difficult situation. Do you think Dsis is scared by Bil or suffering post natal/ depressed?
Either way who is the protective adult? It seems neither. I would be talking to Dsis. 2years old is a tricky age but is also very important developmentally and DN may be reacting to the abuse/ environment he sees.
Talk with her and soon.

I get you 100%. Very understandable. 🙂

I would never talk to my 3 toddlers that way. I actually feel sorry for the little guy yes they go thru bad tantrums etc but he also sounds very unhappy and tbh if there saying stuff like that to him he will feel he isnt wanted

Why would you even need to ask advice put your sis and her hunny straight and let them know you won’t allow that towards your DN had the world gone mad where people need to ask advice for a situation like this ?????

Listen to your gut OP, it's telling you this is not right and it sounds like it has for a while.

the fact BIL said it under his breath too shows he knows it's bad rather then this language just being normal for him.

if you have concerns but can't think how to say it to dsis, start taking more care of your DN for now and supporting your sis and build up to naming it when it happens, being snappy comes from high anxiety and being on edge, say Dsis are you ok? DN doesn't deserve that and I know you love him so I'm wondering if you're ok? - make sure your DN is getting love and positive interactions from you, defend DN when they are saying he's bad - this is emotional abuse he's suffering and he needs to know he's good and worthy of love and people who make him feel safe. If his caregivers can't provide it it has to be you - your sis needs to know it's not ok but find a loving way to do it because when she realises she'll have shame and pain

It sounds like they are really struggling and could do with some support around their expectations of his behaviour and parenting skills. Most councils have a service where you can self refer for some family support, talking through strategies etc It might also be that they need some support with their own mental health (especially if they had tricky childhoods themselves) Sometimes people are reluctant to get help as they feel there is a stigma/social services will become involved but this is not the case at all.
Obviously using that kind of language around young children is not acceptable. It sounds like the dad was expressing his frustration, but probably wasn’t thinking the children are getting to an age where they can understand. Perhaps you can have some sort of general light hearted chat when you’re all together next about implementing a swear jar now the children are older- as no one wants them repeating these sorts of words. I’d try really hard not to be too judgmental if you can. Some people just find parenting much harder. I was super lucky like you and loved parenting a toddler but I know from my friends and work that others really struggle. Please don’t step back from them as others are suggesting, I feel like you could be such a support and a good role model for them as you have a child a similar age.

You say your DC was in the bath too. I would have told BIL straight away that he's not to use such language in front of my child. I'd also be mentioning it to my sister and say you felt it was inappropriate language to use to their son and let her know too that you didn't appreciate the words being spoken in front of your child.

You should consider this as well OP.

That's awful. Poor little boy.

I would say something to both of them, because I would not want this kind to language around my toddler.

Your DN sounds like a typical 2 year old, it's a shame they both treat him so poorly.

Your poor DN...kids are not born bad but he will be if he's treated like that by his primary care givers. Do they understand the impact they are having on him? I'm still messed up 40 years later by the poor parenting I received & it wasn't as bad as that. Can you address it directly with them? They obviously have zero bond with him. They need to know that is not acceptable, someone needs to stick up for the little man

Your mother was and likely remains emotionally abusive too so it could follow that your sister went onto choose similar as a partner.

Someone needs to speak up for their child now. If this is happening in front of family members what is happening to him behind closed doors?. I would also contact the NSPCC and seek their advice.