Should I tell my sister - BIL called 2 year old DN a bastard and a cunt

[StupidMoneyQuestions]

Name changed for this.

It sounds quite stark in the title but I don’t know if I’m over reacting.

My nephew is 2 years old. His parents - my sister and BIL - seem to have it in their minds that he’s a badly behaved child, he seems to have been tarred as a naughty boy. I don’t think he is particularly, he does a lot of fake crying and has tantrums but he’s 2, that’s pretty normal, right? DSis is often very tense and snappy around him, she overreacts to his behaviour in my opinion. I don’t voice this opinion - you can’t really criticise someone’s parenting and maintain a relationship with them… - I hold my tongue and am nice to DN.

My DS is 2 as well, they’re a few months apart in age. I am classic PFB, perhaps - I think the sun shines out of DS. The boys spend a fair bit of time together as they’re so close in age. DN doesn’t want to play with DS quite often - he wants to play with older kids (his cousins are older) and DS is younger. Again, I think this is fine and quite normal.

We went away with DSis, BIL and DN a few weeks ago. In the evening, the boys had a bath together with me and BIL bathing them - this is not the first time they’ve bathed together. DN was being a grump, probably because he hadn’t napped that day and also because it was a really hot day. He wouldn’t sit down in the bath and kept taking toys from my DS.

This is where I wonder if I should say something to my sister or to BIL. In response to DN’s behaviour, BIL said “you’re such a little bastard” and then “you’re such a little cunt”.

He sort of said it with a smile and a laugh under his breath - he wasn’t spitting insults at the baby. And we all have fairly robust language a lot of the time. But I was really shocked by the use of those words, to a 2 year old. I know my 2 year old can understand a lot of what I say and often repeats words - I’m often surprised at how much he understands. And DN is older, approaching 2.5.

Am I overreacting to be shocked and want to say something to BIL or to DSis?

@PinkIcedCream get a grip, it's hardly abuse when wasn't even directed a child, said under breath and child doesn't even understand. just over kill on here i don't think people are honest or even live in the real world

again it's just language, some people find it offensive others not so much. the only time i use it is when driving and is very fitting for a lot of drivers. i just don't see a massive issue if he's not actively saying it directly to the child. if parents are saying they have never sworn under their breath i think they are big bull....

ABSOLUTELY it's a word used for 100s of years. Very powerful in the right context, especially if said in a cockney accent.

This isn't normal and if this continues and escalated throughout the years, that poor child will end up being heavily affected by both of their behaviour (sis & BIL)

Thank you for all the comments, including the ones telling me off for not calling him out at the time. I didn’t actually say in my OP how I reacted so you’re making assumptions there. Either way, it seems to be inconceivable to some of you that someone might not reply immediately because they’re so shocked. I actually can’t remember if I pulled him up but if I did it would probably have been to say something like ‘woah, bit strong!’ I certainly didn’t send him out of the room as some people say they would have.

FWIW by the way I’m Irish although I don’t live in Ireland, I’m in the UK. I also have worked in the past on cases involving offenders who have abused women and children, and with victims of domestic violence and abuse, so I’m not clueless here.

BIL isn’t abusive towards my sister nor, I think, is he emotionally abusive towards DN - it’s nothing like I experienced growing up. He had quite a hard childhood I think - dad in and out of prison then on long term sick for years due to a work accident, mum juggling six kids and what work she could get in a very deprived area. BIL is the youngest of the kids and they’re pretty mean to each other - aggressive ‘banter’ is a form of affection, I don’t like it. Plus two of his own siblings in law are Australians and swear like troopers in front of their kids. One of them has anger management issues and is aggressive to his kids (my DN’s cousins, BIL’s DNS). So maybe it’s normalised a bit to BIL, who respects his older siblings and siblings in law. Sorry, I don’t mean to drip feed. But some relevant family context there.

PP got it right - my sister had a horrendous pregnancy and birth during covid. Days of failed inductions and days of labour, alone without her partner who wasn’t allowed in until the end. Then months of being fobbed off for very valid health concerns by medical professionals. She has totally disengaged with the health service she’s so disenchanted and bitter about the experience. I had a tough time during pregnancy and birth - although nothing as bad as her experience - and had antenatal depression. So I couldn’t support her, I just didn’t have the capacity. I feel guilty about it as things keep coming out about how bad her experience was.

I think another PP made a very valid point when they said they are maybe embarrassed in front of other people by DN not being perfect. I think that’s spot on. DSis certainly wants DN to be perfect in front of others, but very little kids don’t behave perfectly - they throw and run around and don’t do as they’re told and have tantrums. DS does it too, just maybe less than DN - or maybe not, DH and I both worry we see him as perfect and are too soft on him. Whereas BIL and DSis get really embarrassed and worried about his ‘bad’ behaviour in public or in front of others. That’s maybe what caused the frustrated language.

I didn’t mean to suggest I’m a perfect parent. I’m not. I find parenting a two year old really difficult. But I never want my child to be scared of me like I was of my mum. And I do swear in front of my son sometimes - especially when driving… But I want him to know I love him unconditionally, as I never felt my parents’ love was unconditional. I want DN to know the same.

Those who have advised to speak to my sister but she won’t listen and will instead alienate me - I don’t see how that helps anyone. Someone had good advice about putting it in terms of behaviour of other kids, to contextualise DN’s behaviour as normal and not ‘bad’ - I’ll do this.

I’ll also do what other posters have suggested and be there for DN, as a supportive and positive adult who praises and loves him, and reacts appropriately to bad behaviour.

Thanks again

I think when you’re in a situation it’s harder to know if it’s normal or not. BIL is a kind man who really loves my sister and his son. It’s why it was so surprising.

It’s really, genuinely shocking to you, isn’t it, that some people don’t swear in front of - let alone: at - their children?

I mean, no-one’s claiming to be a ‘perfect parent’. Where are you getting that from?

But for many of us - clearly the majority on this thread - what the BIL did was absolutely not OK.

That you find this so unbelievable as to think people ‘aren’t living in the real world’ (I mean, what? Why….?) says far more about you than anyone else on this thread.

You’re really irate about it. I can only assume it’s a bit of an eye-opener for you to realise that behaviour that’s entirely normal for you, absolutely it is not for many other (imperfect, doing-their-best) parents.

It was said about the toddler in front of the toddler and another child. Appalling.